Friday, May 21, 2010

I had a dream...

That he was alive.

He was mad at me for making plans Fathers Day weekend and not including him.

He told me I should be more considerate of his feelings...I aploligized...he was still angry.

I was confused.

We talked ablout Zacks sleepover tonight and how I should have asked him...I was still very confused.

I asked him where was he he these last 9 weeks, why did he pretend to be dead.

He said he was just "testing" me.

I was angry.

I woke and called his number....the phone was no longer in service...it sank in, He really is dead.

Hes dead., its not some test, at least not one of his....he is Dead.

When I woke up I really thought, that everything that had happened these last nine weeks was the dream, but its not...he really is dead.

Fuck me.

Fuck my stupid ass Dreams.

Fuck this world.

I should have been more considerate...sweeter...forgiving...Fuck, Im such a bitch, Fuck Im sorry, Fuck.

Really I thought it wasnt real, its like i just found out for the first time ALL OVER again..dam this shit, Damit

7 comments:

firefly said...

Hmmm that dream was no fun at all. I'm sorry. It seems like when you can get sleep you have bad dreams. Ugh! You didn't do anything wrong. He was still angry in your dream even after you said you were sorry.

belinda said...

9 weeks honey, it's still early days. go easy on yourself. you know this wasn't your decision nor in your control. this was mikes choice. i wish it wasn't but it was and we are here to help you on your journey thru this.

X

sarahlynn said...

After my Mom died I had those dreams sometimes. Still do, matter of fact. They would make me wake up and cry, really freaked out, because they feel so REAL. Its odd, because even in my dream I 'know' she's dead - but I don't REALLY know it, you know?
*tighthug*
It is horrible. It is going to BE horrible. And I really, really wish it wasn't. Its only been nine months for me - only? - it still makes me want to... yeah.
Please take care of yourself, and realize that dreams are...something else. Can you take something to help you sleep?
*morehugs*
Sorry I'm not able to be helpful. I wish I were.
Take care of yourself.

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

This was not your fault. He made the choice to take his life, and it was a selfish choice in light of having three children and a wife. You have no reason, no reason at all to blame yourself! Please believe that.

It's just going to take time and talking and crying and screaming and everything to get through this. My husband lost his daughter and two grandsons (he's 17 years older than me) in a fire in 1995 and he still sometimes dreams about them, grieves for them and talks about them. There is no timeline on grief nor any one way to get through it.

But please please please believe this was not your fault, and you are not a bitch. Don't call yourself those names - you are a beautiful person who is going through such a hard time; I want to give you the biggest hugs possible.

Please take care of yourself. {{{Hugs}}}

Alexandra Rising said...

Wow, what a powerful dream. I think that it really speaks volumes about your process in grieving.
The dream itself is very interesting. I feel like someone from the psychoanalytic school of thought would find it very symbolic and meaningful.

I wish I could just give you a big hug.

jadedchalice said...

I have found you through other friends on blogger which we share in common.

I have read through alot of your blogs, and im so sorry, beyond words, i cannot tell you how much i feel for you and how much my heart reaches out to you.

I hope that with the love and support of everyone that this unbearable time will seem more bearable, and at the very least you will feel the warmth of love from others around you.

I dont know what else to say except if you need to talk, message me, im not always great at responding but when I do respond its with great compassion and all of my heart.

D

Zena said...

Thankyou guys so much...you have NO IDEA what it means to be supported by you all...I think trying to be so strong for my kids is wearing on me, I have such strong emotions and am constantly finding myself having to hide them...my family tries to be supportive, but even though its not the same they are grieving too...Friday morning I walked down stairs in tears...my mother asked "whats wrong?" "really bad, dream." I said..."Im having a hard time too" she said..."theres sugar on my floor..." (she a clean freak) but seriously I was like are you kidding, Mike killed himself and your worried about sugar?? His parents are picking up the kids for dinner tonight, (only the 2nd time since his death...I thought I wanted then to see them but since they called all I can see...is the "image" in my head...it just hurts so much...for all of of you who said you couldnt be supportive enough...know that you are, other then my tx team, no one seems to understand why Im not over this yet...thankyou guys, thankyou for caring, thankyou for understanding...just thankyou for being there...

with love and thanks,
Tara