Tuesday, May 4, 2010

My Body: Is it mad at me or Does it want to be my Friend???

I walked into K's office last night hands shaking, legs twitching, heart racing...oh yeah I was SCARED!!! You see I get weighed usually EVERY OTHER WEEK!! I see her one week in the am (9) and one week in the pm (5). She weighs me on the am session because I have this ENORMOUS fear of the scale ( yes that is part of the irrationality of Ed's) On the am session she weighs me then if I am willing which I have been the last few times we have breakfast together ( always a non fat latte from starbucks and sometimes REAL FOOD) but because of the situation ( the continuous losing of said body weight she and I felt it was necessary to weigh in even on the evening appointment, she felt she needed to know and I needed to now if the increased mp made me gain...so I took some deep breaths, took off my shoes and stepped on the machine that tells me how "good pf a person I am. I looked at her and she knew I was very scared, I was almost hyper ventilating, I think she had a moment and felt bad for me and said are you okay? are you ready? No I said but I need to k now if my body if mad at me or wants to be my friend? (now my body has every right in the world to be mad at me as I have treated it like shit for the last 15 years..) So I stepped on, okay she said ( she is very fast shes good at what she does and her scale is a very good machine, he does his job well!) I stood there she sat and smiled and said "so okay what do you what to talk about?" grinning all the while, I looked at her and said ummm "Hello!!"

"sit" she said

I did

"you lost again 2.5 Lbs"

I looked at her and was stunned....here it is 5pm I had eaten 2 meals 1 snack 4 glasses of H2O, 2 cups of coffee and a coke zero and it was still down, I was really in shock!

"you know" she said, "it's really most likely more then that seeing how its so late and what you have already eaten and water fluctuations and stuff"

I was EXTREMELY confused

"what are you thinking?" she asked

"I dont know" I said and really I didnt, because I knew what was coming next...and increase, now I have followed my mp increases and all for 2 weeks exactly, and for one week prior I had followed it about 88% of the time...

I couldnt figure it out, Does my body want to be my friend? Is it telling me "see you wont gain any weight by feeding me, dont worry I wont betray you, or is it saying ha ha ha, You dont like to eat so now I am going to torture you by continuously losing no matter what you put into me."

Needless to say I am left confused with and increase, and I am still confused this morning...I know all about the refeeding thing and hypermetabolic syndrom, but its never happened before when I needed to gain I would simply just have to eat a slightly elevated mp I would gain, my body would do this funky eat more-lose thing and well I just dont get it, I'm going to follow the new increased mp and get weighed again on monday...and I would just like to say "Dear body, I dont know what you are doing or what s happening to you, but if you are trying to be my friend, I thank you and if you are mad at me, then I am sorry and I ask for your forgiveness..lets make peace with each other, I will agree to feel you what you need, and not pull a fast one and you agree to stay where you are and not keep having to make me eat more...Deal?"

The thing is my ED like the fact I am losing, but I dont like the fact I have to eat more...oh Im so confused...

anyway I see Doc A. on thursday and K is emailing her to tell her even though there has been a pretty significant loss, I am eating very well ( cause she wont believe me) and I am having not having any physical symptoms so unless there is something wrong with my B/P or pulse an EKG really shouldnt be necessary. So lets pray Thursday morning I am not laying on a Table with my boobies exposed with electrodes hooked all over me while the nurse makes small talk...its not fun , I dont like am really dont want to do it.

okay I have more things I want to write about but they are on different subjects and Im late getting the kids ready so til we meet again..all my love,



firefly said...

I wish I had the faith do just do it and take a chance.

Alexandra Rising said...

Weigh-in's are the pitts. So scary!

Hope you are doing okay <3

Missing In Sight said...

When my body is being obstinate and not doing what I think it should be doing, I tell myself to trust my body, it know what to do with the food, and if I take care of my body it will take care of me.

It's SO, SO hard to put faith in the body because for so long I put faith in my ED. But try to trust your body. It's not out to get you. :)