well geez i dont know where to begin, i feel stuck, frozen in a sense, i feel like I amabout to cry and yet the tears wont come .I amjust on the verge, constantly on the verge of tears
I have stayed busy so far this morning and cleaned my house, and dressed the kiddies and we are takingthem to a fun park this afternoon but alas i am numb and havent showered or eaten anything but coffee yet today and it is after 11 so i have missed breakfast and it feels good. It makes me not want tocry so badly this numbing out without food it feels good. And it shouldnt. It cant or else I will relaspe and that is something I dont want, I cant do it yet I dream about it. About being thin again...i stare at the picture I have of me where i am emacitaed and I like it doest seem scary at all it seems good and therefore I feel like crying cause I am so fat know especially compared to what I used to be...I feel likecrying wherever I have to get dressed...I have been wearing the same pants for the last 2 weeks they are going to wear out and then I will be left with no pants and I will not buy any more cause I am to fat and I am disgusted y my self and it all makes me so sad.
Why cant I just be normal, why does recovery have to hurt so bad??
I can see myself slowly relasping ...slowly as so that no one notices and its what I want...but I dont and I feel so shitty for even thinking it...
It all sucks so much and I just need to cry it out and I cant seem to... and there is the crap with my dad and boy is it crap...he sent me junk email instead of a response to the one I wrote him and it leaves me to wonder did he get it/ Is he ignoring it? what ? what is goiing on? And that fustrates me even more and leads to the feelings of tears that elude me
I really feel like this all may not be worth it