Saturday, September 20, 2008

Tears

well geez i dont know where to begin, i feel stuck, frozen in a sense, i feel like I amabout to cry and yet the tears wont come .I amjust on the verge, constantly on the verge of tears

I have stayed busy so far this morning and cleaned my house, and dressed the kiddies and we are takingthem to a fun park this afternoon but alas i am numb and havent showered or eaten anything but coffee yet today and it is after 11 so i have missed breakfast and it feels good. It makes me not want tocry so badly this numbing out without food it feels good. And it shouldnt. It cant or else I will relaspe and that is something I dont want, I cant do it yet I dream about it. About being thin again...i stare at the picture I have of me where i am emacitaed and I like it doest seem scary at all it seems good and therefore I feel like crying cause I am so fat know especially compared to what I used to be...I feel likecrying wherever I have to get dressed...I have been wearing the same pants for the last 2 weeks they are going to wear out and then I will be left with no pants and I will not buy any more cause I am to fat and I am disgusted y my self and it all makes me so sad.

Why cant I just be normal, why does recovery have to hurt so bad??

I can see myself slowly relasping ...slowly as so that no one notices and its what I want...but I dont and I feel so shitty for even thinking it...

shit
It all sucks so much and I just need to cry it out and I cant seem to... and there is the crap with my dad and boy is it crap...he sent me junk email instead of a response to the one I wrote him and it leaves me to wonder did he get it/ Is he ignoring it? what ? what is goiing on? And that fustrates me even more and leads to the feelings of tears that elude me

Damit

I really feel like this all may not be worth it

Zena

4 comments:

firefly said...

I know the feeling of being in the only clothes that fit. Ugh wearing them out. Focus on feeling life. You can beat this thing, you just have to skip the behaviors of isolating etc. Take your mom on a little shopping spree. Get rid of the small pants. Take Care

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

Hey there,

You say that you can feel yourself slowly relapsing - make the choice to not allow yourself to go down this road all over again. It is a choice, Zena, and you can make a different one.

What have you been allowing yourself to do that caters to your ED, and what can you do to change it?

Love,
S.

kb said...

Zena,

I'm so sorry that you are struggling so much with everything and that (from what it seems) you don't have the support that you really do deserve. I hope you can see that you deserve MORE than this unhappiness.
What can you do for yourself, today, that will truly be 'taking care of Zena'?
- Kristina

firefly said...

Z: Gee I tend to focus on different stuff when I reread your blog. I'm sorry your dad is being an ass and don't responding to your e-mail. It's the important stuff and it's bringing up those old feelings of abandonment. Can you invite him to a therapy session with M for support too. On know M supports you on this one. Your dad can't just pretend his actions didn't take place. This is serious stuff.I'm sorry you feel all alone. You are not alone. Take care!