Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Letter to dad

I am unsureof how to start this letter and I am unsure of where it will take me. I dont want to come off as self rightous or accusatory , but there are many issues left unresolved between us at least for me.

I want to start off by saying that by you becoming a pastor has absolutely flabbergasted me and thrown me for one hell of a loop. I mean you never lived your life in the way that a man of god should live. You have been married and divorced three times. You have had affairs and have pretty much abandoned your own children during their formative years and you have never once apologized or even acknwledged that you were not a father let alone any type of standard parent.

I was taught ( not by you ) that being a man aof god mans many things, none of which you seem to exemplify. You are to be truthful, something you have struggeled with your entire life and at this point you seem to live in a fantasy world you have yet to be truthful with your self let alone your own children. you say wordsa nd then back them up with no action, and from where I am standing you have been like this your entire life.

I have asked you questions that I have known the answer to and you would out right lie to my face. I am unsure if it is a case of you telling the lies for so long that you actually believe them or that you are so oblivious to te hfact that you were never there for me. I am left to wonder what it is you actually believe. what you think and what your true values are.

YOu have shown that truth is not one of your values through your numerous lies.

Adultery is something you practiclly have a degree in, even up until a few years ago you were commiting Adultery...you were dateing a married women, maybe you still are I have no idea cause you are so untruthful.

As a child you ruled us through your fist and through fear, not through love and understanding. You threatened , lied and manipulated me throughtout my entire childhood.

You did everything in your power to make me feel sorry for you, to make me feel that you were the vicyim, but the truth is I am and if I allow myself to be I will continue to be your victim.

I have for my entire life craved the attention tha a father would naturally give to thier daughter but for some reason that never came easily to you. You always said the words " I LOVE YOU" but never acted as so. It has come to the point where I have accepted the fact that you will never be the father that I need, want or deserved but yet I still feel manipulated by you, you tease me with your words and empty promises. Words I want to believ, words I need and crave to believe, but I would only believe them if I were a fool, so I feel so foolish because I still continue to believe your false truths.

I see you for who you really are...a man. A man who threatened his children with fists and bricks. A man who didnt love his children enoughto be part of thier lives growing up. A man who committed adultery, more then once let alone it was with the partors daughter but that is besides the point. or maybe that is the point How can you claim to be a man of god when you have yet to ask for forgiveness for all your sins you have commited.maybe God has forgiven you but you have never apoligized to me you have righted no wrongs, you still continue to manipulate my thoughts and believes. But I will no longer play apart in the self destruction that your thoughts and words play upon me. I have been a fool inthe past but now I am standing up for myself...you dont love me you love you. I am okay with that but please dont try to fool me into thinking you are a man of god, perhaps if you said you had repented for all that you have done that you were eternally sorry for what you have done but you havent done taht you have played the mayter. You pretend taht all your life you have acted as a man of god and that my dear father is teh fartherest thing from the truth.

Love, Zena


So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...


Good for you, Zena, and I mean that with all my heart.

How did it feel to write that?

Are you planning on sending it? Or was this the e-mail you've already sent?

Love, S.

Zena said...

hey S,
i am going to read it to him if I can get him to come to a t session with me..he has kinda skirted the issue when I asked him before but S says to be a broken record and be persistant...SO I will try.

To write it felt well damn good!!!:)

I got to feel the anger, the anger that drives my eating disorder I need to feel more of it, but at the same time it is very scary true feelings always are...glad that when I do get to read it (if) it will be with S in a very safe place...thanks for the encouragement

Love, Z

firefly said...

Wow my dear Zena. You've had a busy blog week. I read all the I want an back stuff but my dear this is what life is about. If he comes to session then what do you want from him? If he is going to deny it all then why bother with him? He is still running your life. Let go let God!!!I think in your heart you know who you can count on. The people who really support you. I know the tease it presents for you because you so dearly want a father you didn't have. So when he comes over you are thinking there is my dad, Should I give him a chance. I know the guilt you feel that he gave money for Remuda. Tara, that was the least he could do