Monday, September 15, 2008

I would like to say FORGET RECOVERY

but i cant things are going to well

But I hate my body

maybe if I just lose a little wieght, just a little.

I cant stand my body did I say I CANT STAND MY BODY!!!!!!!!

I keep trying to figure out how to coexist in a body that isnt mine, this isnt me its way to fat, and this is not a distortion, i have gained well and beyond what was needed to be healthy and it doesnt seem to be stopping, WTF. How does it happen that one goes from being to thin to to fat, like that.WTF again.

okay why do I not want to forego recovery in hopes to achieve the perfect and I say perfect like that cause it never is perfect and everyone knows it.

1) cause my kids are 1st in my life now and I think they like it better that way

2) cause I can eat at a wedding and NOT freak out

3) cause no one stares and says " what does she have cancer"

4) cause me and M arent fighting over food

5) cause I can eat pizza at chuck e cheeses withteh kids

6) cause I can talk about real issues with S instead of just how fat I am

7) cause my team actually wants to see me and I get to tell them good news instead of being told I need to be in hospital

8) cause no one spends thier days worrying if I will die durning it

9) cause I actually remember playing with my kids instead of counting calories while they play

10) cause I actually have a list of why Recovery rocks

why does Ed suck

Cause he steals those other 9 things away from me

okay okay so recovery Rocks and Ed sucks but I am still fat



So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

Can you make a list of "I am" statements that don't include mention of weight, appearance or the eating disorder?


Thinking of you,

firefly said...

Zena: I know the feelings are the last thing to go. I'm so proud that you can see beyond ED'S That doesn't mean it will be simply but you can do this!!!!Think about enjoying your life right now. What decisions have you made right now regarding money and A going into therapy? miss ya! Sarah

zubeldia said...

hey honey, I've been meaning to respond since you posted this. I'm so glad youre reaping the life rewards of recovery. The body stuff is hard.. but you know, kiddo, you're okay. Your body will settle down, you'll find some peace.

How are things going with S, sweety?

Zena said...

thanks guys I am trying to remember what recovery is all about but it s so hard when the Ed voice is screaming at you.

Anyway I am still doing good, feel gross and fat but they say thats the last to go...blahhh

I emailed my dad and have yet to get a response...he emailed me back a bunch of junk stuff but nothing regaurding the situation, S and I have spent the last three sessions doing some serious work regaurding my dad....we are thinking of having him come in for a session but we still need to talk allot about it first...scary stuff. I guess this is what people mean when they say therapy is hard work huh??

we do quick behavior check ins in the beginning and end of session and spend the rest of the time working on real issues, I m not used to that but its good...good stuff

okay I have got to go I will write a proper blog later this weekend...

Love you all

Miss you F

Love, Zena