Thursday, September 25, 2008

well it happened

wow I had a rough session with S on tuesday and I sobbed my way through, recovery is hard harder then I thought. I recieved an email back from my dad and I will post it later but it was hard and completly invalidating and sadening. he called my mother crazy...sortof in a round about way...he said I just need to get my mind well..implying that I wouldnt have these crazy thoughts if i were well. Its all so sad and I have been crying allot.

i only see S once this week as I am going on a field trip with the Z man and I told S I was glad I wouldnt be seeing her twice as I wasnt sure I could really handle it. Good news is I now have four sessions where we didnt talk about behaviors...just the hard core issues. I am so sad. I am grieving the loss of a father I never had...its really very sad, I am sad and it hurts.

I dont know how to do this how to carry on with this man who is absolutely not what I need nor want from a father, yet this is who I have as my dad and i kind a just need to ajust. It aches in me and It scares me cause I know I am not done dealing with all the crap that there is to deal with, he needs to come to a session with S but I think I will be hard pressed to get him to come although he had agreed to it when I was in Remuda.

Thats another thing thats so ironic In Remuda he was the only one who had all these wrongs that I have done to him that I didnt apoligize for...I apoligized for allot and I thought itwas all covered but he brought up all this stuff like me not CALLING him when I was 15 or 22 or whatever age I was durning the times he NEVER bothered to call me...part of me just wants to give up the whole relationship...its just all so sad maybe though that would be taking the cowards way out

maybe just maybe I really need to start to use my little voice something I kinda did with the emails ( I sent him 2) as I didnt get a response after the first one oh well he sucks and I cant stop the tears

okay okay so you want to know about the food

well its going okay and just okay...a purge here or there nothing major and a missed mea or 2 but I always make up for it but today I feel sick the kinda sick thats just anxiety that leads to restricting and I dont know but I feel like I am going with it, Im just so sad I need a lift, like know ing that Ed is still there





zubeldia said...

Oh Tara, it sounds so hard with your dad. I'll be curious as to what he said. It was not your job to call on him when you were growing up, that was HIS job, to be THERE for you, not for you to seek it out.

Sweety, the eating and purging: I know that, for me, it's like a drug. One starving high and I am into the cycle. You can do this.. no shortcuts, my girl. You ARE doing this, and I'm proud of you.

Zena said...

he showed up today and it was awkward... he didnt mention the email but he did bring a book on how to heal my mind. ugh he thinks Iam nutso. he didnt even call first he just showed up something he rarely does and I didnt know how to act.

his letter was something along the lines of he will respect my wishes but now he will feel like I am constantly judging him, that he asked other women if they would have a problem with what he did and they said no ( hence Iam over reacting) he also went on to say that he has lost many relationships because he LOVED me to much ( he was never there in my life and if he loved me to much it was in the wrong ways) he claimed the women in his life were jealous of could they be he never saw me., He proceded to go on about how crazy my mother was and he sort of implied that it maybe rubbed off on me. He stated how there were so much more he could tell me but now was not the time and he went on to guilt me by saying that I never called him except when I needed something (money for remuda)and that he felt used.

He claimed that he has now been forgiven by god ( hes a pastor now) and that I cant keep holding this over his head, but really what I cant understand is why he thinks its my job to be the pursuer, Like you said Z it was his job, thankyou for validating me.

I just cryed with S over this whole thing cause it leaves me to wonder why I have put this man on a pedastal for so many years, why I have longed for his love when he obviously doesnt know how to give it, and besides that he doesnt think what he did to A was wrong so he will never admitt to having done wrong by me,

ANyway I have followed my Mp again eventhough I most definately dont want to and yes Z it is like a drug a very good one that is very harmful...sigh of discontent

I wish I had a real dad not the one I was given


firefly said...

Awww Tara: I'm so proud of you for dealing with the real stuff. It is really hard and you are doing it! You know our parents may have not been able to give you what you need but do you have someone in your life that can take that place? We call the concept family of choice. I can explain it more if need be.
I think you want him to say Hay I was wrong with A and you growing up. If it helps I do believe he was wrong and then throwing it back at you was just sick. Yes, he made sacrifices but that's a parents job. I think you need to figure out for yourself if it is worth having a relationship with him. That's a question only you can answer.
I'm just sorry that you are hurting. Please take care of yourself. Know that you are loved.
How did it go with the Z man. Did he show you good behavior at school? I know you said you were surprised he was good at school.
Please keep up the fight!!!!You are worth it!

Zena said...

oh guys I never thought REAL therapy would be so hard. I am really sad and M has noticed..depressed maybe even . I have screwed up my meds again and that makes things really hard, I wish I didnt need to take them to be well its so hard know ing you are dependent upon pills...three to be exact...three little pills that dramitclly affect my world. sigh of discontent...:(

anywho... Z man was incrediable at school, we went to the apple orchard and it rained BOO for rain but we had fun anyway...the kiddies got a tour of the cider mill and how tehy make cider donuts and the the lifts to lift the barrels of apples and it was really cool and the Z man was so good. He is so well liked and popular at the school all the boys and GIRLS want to play with him... he is so different there...I was very proud of him.

Now for some hard stuff. M thinks I play favorites with the boys and I dont think I do, but I guess I am maybe harder on A I expect more from her for lots of reasons some not all good I suppose. But she is a girl in a mans world and things are just harder for girls she needs to toughen up and not expect the world to just be the way she wants its..its a hard lesson but one I think she needs to learn in order to survive out there, maybe thats my skewed perspective but I worry if I am not hard enough on her then she will get the wrong idea of what the world is really like...cause M sure isnt tough on his baby girl...shes the little princess, which is fine but I guess its hard to watch seeing how I was never anyones little princess, its all so hard to know what is reality and what is just my skewed vision..ugh....I guess I should bring this up with S as well.

Speaking of I missed our session on Friday cause i was at the fieldtrip and I didnt want to go anyway but I think thats when you really need therapy the most when you dont want to go...I see her on tuesday and K said maybe we could do a relaxation session was just her suggestion but maybe shes right maybe all this therapy is just to hard on me, I dont know, I dont seem to know much anymore, everything feels heavy and hard...but maybe thats the med stuff.

oh and on the food front well lets see...a few purges... but they seem to be getting closer and closer together, I have really got to nip this in the bud...really I have just got to.

Love, Zena