wow I had a rough session with S on tuesday and I sobbed my way through, recovery is hard harder then I thought. I recieved an email back from my dad and I will post it later but it was hard and completly invalidating and sadening. he called my mother crazy...sortof in a round about way...he said I just need to get my mind well..implying that I wouldnt have these crazy thoughts if i were well. Its all so sad and I have been crying allot.
i only see S once this week as I am going on a field trip with the Z man and I told S I was glad I wouldnt be seeing her twice as I wasnt sure I could really handle it. Good news is I now have four sessions where we didnt talk about behaviors...just the hard core issues. I am so sad. I am grieving the loss of a father I never had...its really very sad, I am sad and it hurts.
I dont know how to do this how to carry on with this man who is absolutely not what I need nor want from a father, yet this is who I have as my dad and i kind a just need to ajust. It aches in me and It scares me cause I know I am not done dealing with all the crap that there is to deal with, he needs to come to a session with S but I think I will be hard pressed to get him to come although he had agreed to it when I was in Remuda.
Thats another thing thats so ironic In Remuda he was the only one who had all these wrongs that I have done to him that I didnt apoligize for...I apoligized for allot and I thought itwas all covered but he brought up all this stuff like me not CALLING him when I was 15 or 22 or whatever age I was durning the times he NEVER bothered to call me...part of me just wants to give up the whole relationship...its just all so sad maybe though that would be taking the cowards way out
maybe just maybe I really need to start to use my little voice something I kinda did with the emails ( I sent him 2) as I didnt get a response after the first one oh well he sucks and I cant stop the tears
okay okay so you want to know about the food
well its going okay and just okay...a purge here or there nothing major and a missed mea or 2 but I always make up for it but today I feel sick the kinda sick thats just anxiety that leads to restricting and I dont know but I feel like I am going with it, Im just so sad I need a lift, like know ing that Ed is still there