Friday, September 5, 2008

Dad part 2

I need to talk to my dad

I m scared

I dont know how to do it

its eating me and M apart that he grabbed her butt and tried to kiss her and I dont know how to do it.

I m scared

really fucking scared

sick to my stomach scared

why cant I just open my mouth and use my voice??

its really pissing M off! He wants to be the one to say something, he says its his daughter and it s eating him alive inside he cant sleep at night cause he s afraid that A wont know if something happened to her or not that she wont know what is a good touch and what is a bad touch...That she will suffer the same fate as I, that she she too will be damaged goods.


this is aweful

bloody fucking aweful

I need some balls anyone want to lend me theirs??


I dont know what to do or how to do it..I am thinking of emailing him..of being gentle and kind and just saying the following:

Dear Dad,

I dont know how to go about saying this because I am sure you didnt mean anything by it but we are teaching our daughter that no one is allowed to touch her in her private areas and A mentioned that that she wanted to know why grandpa did. She said that you grabbed her butt and that it made her feel uncomfortable. Now I am sure you had purely innocent intentions but its really not an appropriate way to touch her. She is young and impressionable and we dont want her to think that its okay for anyone to touch her except mommy or daddy and only when we are washing her.

I dont want you to think that I am angry because I am nothing of the sort but A was made unfortable and I know that is something that none of us want. So just try to be more aware of where you touch her, a hug and a kiss on the cheek is more then acceptable and A would know that is a "good" touch.

Love, Z

what do you guys think?? am I being to easy ?? should I be more firm?? I am really afraid of hurting his feelings and him not wanting to speak with me again, ofcousre A is way more important then any relationship I could or would ever have with him but there is this part of me that still feels like a child in his presence... am i taking the cowards way out?

I am i know it

but I dont know what else to do

i just cant confront him in person I will shrivel up and die for that I am sure

Love, Zena


So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

Hi sweet Zena,

This is so tricky.

First, the situation is incredibly difficult and painful. You DO need to say something, because A depends on you to keep her safe.

If you feel most comfortable setting those boundaries via e-mail, then I would advise you to do so. I didn't think it was a good idea for you to address it in person from the beginning (unless it were happening with a therapist).. reactions in situations like this can be difficult to anticipate, from you, M & him, and my fear would be of the situation escalating. So, I support your e-mailing decision.

As far as the content of what you wrote, I think it sounds very good. You get your point across, you explain where your concern is coming from, you stand up for A -- all of these things needed to be addressed, and they were.

I'm not going to pass judgement on whether or not you're "taking the coward's way out" or whether or not you're being "too easy" on him, because I know that I'm not objective and my own past would influence whatever advice I give you. I, like you, am inclined to be as nice as possible, to prevent rocking the boat so that he will still love me, etc etc etc.

I don't know if that's the healthiest thing, but I think.. if that's what you can do right now, then it HAS to be good enough.

Let us know how it goes, ok?

Love, S.

firefly said...

Gosh I know M's feelings of to kill this guy. Your dad had already made you feel inferior and then to his baby. I would scream! What he did was not right for you or A. Tara, you need t0 getthe kids in some kind of therapy. Kids have alot of things going on in their heads. I think the e-mail will help but he will want to talk about it more. Then you have the whole my dad's a preacher he is suppossed to change. The guilt of him paying for your treatment.Stay away from all that I really think a lot more needs to be said to your dad

Zena said...

thankyou so much for your gentle reply, the situation is very difficult and very painful and I have chickened out several times in actually sending the email, I wrote it a few times but have never sent it.

yes A does depend on me which makes the situation even more difficult, I almost feel if I just keep her away from him then I will be doing my part but I know thats not true at least deep in my heart I know that. It s my duty to let her know that the way she was touched is very wrong and that she has every right to say NO that doesnt feel good.

I get the sense that you know exactly what I am talking about and I feel comfort in that knowing that I am not alone in these feelings and situations makes a world of difference...thankyou.

you know its true, the guilt I feel is overwhelming, I wish over and over again that he never gave me the 15 grand towards remuda it just makes me feel shit every time I think of it, you know it s very hard...M and I were talking about putting A in some type of counseling, she freaked out over the weekend when she had a friend sleep over and her room was made a mess, I mean like an hour long crying, screaming, kicking tantrum, sure signs of some definate control issues...she just didnt want anything out of place and I know that comes from me as I was like that as a child and look where I am now...ugh, not something i want for my child especially not my only daughter...

I need to grow some balls and use them as this situation is starting to wear I me.

I was ment to see S this morning but I have three sick kids and wasnt able to see her, so now I dont see her til friday, suprizingly I am okay with it we exchanged voicemails and I felt some comfort in hearing her voice so I think all will be okay, we just really need to work on the dad shit...boy I really do need a good S session, I think it will do me a world of good.

Love, Zena

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...


I do, and you are most definitely not alone. Although I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to have a daughter to protect, and that emotional battle that would ensue between the paternal figure (however abusive and triggering he may be) and your own child.

I know that A will win - and has already. You are, in essence, standing up for both A and your little girl self while dealing with your adult feelings of what happened - which is why this is so difficult. Be patient with yourself, Zena, and keep talking.