Monday, February 14, 2011

valentines days

I would like to write a post about how spectacular I am doing and if I wrote this 4 days ago I could have, i have could have told you I went a week following my mp and not purging, that I was okay with the affair i am having, that I wasnt depressed, or anxious, or suicidal, but that didnt last long and I am a mess again, Im sure you expected this, wish I did....wish I knew what to expect from myself ...wish I knew what I could handle, what I cant, why I dont know my own limits, Im not sure, but I do know that THIS, THIS is not working for me...I thought I could hanle this but i cant, I kiss him and long for more, he holds me and I believe it will last forever, its valentines day and I remember the past, love that is real, that lasts that holds true despite the pain and anguish, its a cold hard reminder that this is my life, one of falicities, and untruths, my husband eho knew my every waking thought is gone and I am left with someone who can not give me his all, who does not not my secrects and is not him, I ache on this day, my insides hurt to the point of burning and still I long for stolen moments to pretend, to pretend that i am whole, that I am fulfilled...to acknowledge I am a sexual being and have needs is one thing but to pretend they are being fulfilled is something completely, a different form of denial...I accept what is given to me because I dont think I deserve or cant fathom actually having something real, but Im here, living in some crazy world where what is real or so seems to be is not and I am in that world, and fuck, it bloody hurts

Tara

3 comments:

Angela E. Lackey said...

Oh Tara, I'm so sorry. I thought about you all day yesterday and almost called, but then thought you must be with your children and family so I didn't want to disturb that. I know it is hard, but please find a way to do what is best and healthiest for you. You deserve to live and have a joyful and loving life.

Valentine's Day is so hurtful for some people; I spent it on the phone with my husband wishing so bad he would come home and yes, I know he will be home in a few weeks but in the meantime I miss him and you miss your husband and there is so much pain in the world (and I am crying as I write this) that I wish I could just make it stop for you, me, everyone. Someday we will be happy and live wonderful lives, and I hope all of this makes sense.

Love you!!!

Angela

Angela E. Lackey said...

P.S. I didn't mean he will be home as in we are going to be living together, but that he will be back in Michigan and we will be dating each other. I pray with all my heart that we will be together completely again; I feel so lonely and everyone keeps saying I am so strong and getting through this so well and I just want to say I am so lonely sometimes and it is hard not to want to turn to anyone just to end the loneliness instead of trusting that in the end my marriage will work out. But I will trust God that we will be together again, and I hope I am not setting myself up for a broken heart.

And someday you will be with someone who *deserves* you. You deserve so much love and kindness, I wish I could make things better for you right now, but I can't and somedays I cry for all the pain in the world and wonder why we all have to suffer like this and I get angry at God.

(Sorry for the rambling. I'm experiencing a little bit more anxiety this week than usual and I need to work on that.)

*Hugs*

Love you!!!
Angela

belinda said...

i hear you :(