Thursday, March 3, 2011

The last few days...

have been a pathetic the point where I was almost certified this afternoon, I was flabbergasted but it almost happened..

you see monday night my inlaws point blank on the telephone...said..."well you must understand we think you killed our son"

yuppp yep after a yr of working to rid those feeling of guilt, shame, pain, anguish and quilt I allowed then to take away all I had learned and come to believe, in a matter in seconds...long story short I hadnt slept since sunday...still thurday night and no sleep yet///between yesterday and the 12 hours earlier...36 hrs I took 30 something clonipin..apparently that is a suicide attemp...add that to a bout a little over a liter of voodka and in that time, I almost died they say....

I cant even talk right now about how much I am hurting

right now I just want to take the 15 I have stashed for emergency purposes:(

if you pay pray for kids are at thier grandmas...I have a bottle of voodka..pills prescribed and not...not so much to die...just t o quiet the noise


lisalisa said...

I dont know what to say...I am so worried... I wish I had a way to get ahold of you!!!! Please call your mom, a friend, text your T, anything! It was awful and hurtful for his parents to say that but its not true! Remember, their thinking is blurred by the pain of their loss. Listen to those with an objective opinion, who can look at it logically because they are not emotionally involved. Like you treatment team, and us. Believe us when we say it was not your fault. He was in pain but he had many options available to him on how to deal with it. He CHOSE to take his own life. It was his CHOICE. Maybe his parents are looking for someone to blame so they can look at their son as the "victim". As long as they are blaming you, they dont have to be angry at their son for his actions and they can continue to see him as innocent. they need to wake up and see that he made the selfish choice to commit suicide and it was not your fault! Indeed, you are so kindhearted I am sure you would have done what you could to prevent it if he had called you that night and told you of his plan. But he didn't give you the chance.
I hope you can be safe. I hope you can believe what I am telling you. It is not your fault!!!!


belinda said...

we've talked about this already but...

you know Mike made HIS choice. it is not yours. the parents are looking for blame because it is an easier option (than accepting that their own son, flesh and blood, no longer could hold on to this life)

for you, it sounds like an attempt and i am really quite surprised you did not get committed, i kind of wish you were, just so i know that you are safe. you can't continue like this, please accept the help that is offered to you.

what are you doing NOW to keep yourself safe in the present?


battleinmind said...

What they said is NOT TRUE. They probably just don't want to admit there son made that decision HIMSELF. You DID NOT take his life. That is a fact. Now time to focus on you,

YOU are worth so much more than a suicide statistic, than a hospitalised statistic. YOU deserve health.

Remember, Jesus is standing right next to you through all of this, even though it might not feel like it, run to Him. I pray you are able to turn to Him in this awful time. In him we find strength.

Love Ellie

In the Pink said...

Oh my gosh! His parents need to be in therapy. Please call your mom or someone who can physically be there with you.

Zena said...

Thanku for ur kind words...I am safe...thinking about maybe php for trauma...I'm stronger then this and will not allow my kids to hurt whether I like it or not I will be around for awhile

Love tara