Thursday, August 25, 2011

hmmmm

I am going to nursing school next week..yes i got in... I am moving on saturday first with my mom for three weeks then to a great apartment...my house still hasnt sold((boo))..but on the outside things are seeming to be going better...seeming...horriable things with R took place last week or so..accusations ...denials...lies...deceptions...intoxicated mistakes...and although right now on the outside i appear to have it all together...i feel i might unravel...i feel as though i may never have someone love me, as though I will always be second, that i am not good enough...i will go to school and get a job and move...but im so freaking scared...i will push forward, but it would be a bold face lie if i said i wasnt dying to run back to my Ed..I in fact cant wait for school to start for the main reason...i will not have to nor be able to eat breakfast nor lunch and dinner will be with my mom and there will be no drinking and that as u well know makes you fat so yes i cant wait for school...for future and dreams...but i cant wait for the weight loss that will occur...i havent had the ability to hold to ED law due to my inability to stop the alcohol, but now...alcohol will be gone and finally i will be thin again...

I cant wait for school

I just cant wait

5 comments:

Zena said...

I will not accept comments who dont have the courage to tell me who you are...if you know me and my story and would like to offer advice or tell me how distorted my thoughts are i welcome the challanges...because in some sense i know my believes are not always accurate...but do not think i am planning to fail at school, i worked for 3 months to get in and intend on working my ass off while there yes Ed is working overtime...but as anyone who knows me I somehow always manage to come out on top...i have a great support system, am always honest like my post and have a great will...so yes anonymous, i deleted you..but if you knew me and my heart and goals you wouldnt have been so harsh...speaking here in my moments of weakness and despair has what has pulled me through how dare you say what my values are

Anonymous said...

My comment so was not harsh.

And just because you "always come out on top" doesn't mean you always will. You should know that.

I'm just saying, if you're going through all this work to go to school, maybe you should work on NOT letting the ED in. Just focus on what you need to do. And don't you have children? They need their mother.

Go ahead and censor/delete me again -- I don't really care. You don't know me anyway, but I have read your blog at times so I know some of your "story." We just happen to have mutual friends and one pointed out that you posted a new (and somewhat triggering) post so I just thought I'd check it out. I personally wasn't triggered but I just feel bad for you.

Good luck with school.

lisalisa said...

I'm not sure I quite get this post; are you saying that you want to follow "ed law" and are looking forward to ging back to school because it will be easier to starve yourself? We have given each other alot of great support and advice over the past few years and I thought the point of it all was to break free from the eating disorder. Everybody struggles, but it sounds like you are welcoming the ED in with open arms, and I know you know better than that!

I am not trying to be a biatch. I am jut being honest because sometimes people need that more than empty platitudes and cheerleading statements.

XOLisa

Zena said...

It sure came across that way didnt Lisa:(, its not what I meant...it was me getting out what my head is thinking. last time I was in school 11 yrs ago i relasped terriably due to those reasons...not being able to eat lunch in front of people I didnt know, throwing myself totally into my work, being obessed with perfection...Im terrified of failing at school, so I guess my Ed is working in overdrive telling how to decrease my stress, S and I talked yesterday about my fears and my desires to numb out the anxieties by using ED...I do not want that to happen, except for the depression hospitalization in march i have been very stable for a while now...its very scary to think i actually might succede at something...not used to that...I was just venting my thoughts...no action has been taken...luckily for me I am moving today and will be staying with my mom for the first 3 weeks of school Im pretty sure that will get me over the hump of the change...yes part of me would love to say "come back and "help" me through this" but I also know its all lies...its deceit and I have worked very hard for me and my kids to start to create a future for us...but I would be a bold face liar if I didnt say the thoughts in my head the terriable fear I feel about starting school.

Angela E. Lackey said...

I think maybe you needed to get the thoughts out of your head. I often have these thoughts, too...then I go eat because I know I need to eat to be healthy and I need to be healthy to complete graduate school.

I know you won't throw away your chance at nursing school. You will *succeed* and be a wonderful nurse! Just let the thoughts out, say good-bye to them and ED, and allow yourself to reach your full potential. If I could do it...anyone can do it. I have struggled with anorexia throughout graduate school, but I have come out on top - a 3.88 GPA. This is because in the end, ED got the boot. We are both intelligent, caring women who are going to make it!!!

You will, you know. I have the utmost faith in you. As far as R - good riddance. You deserve so much more, and you will find so much more when you least expect it.

I am proud of you. You have admitted your feelings, and now you can move forward!!!