Friday, October 3, 2008

Sleeping onthe bathroom floor

seems comfy right...WRONG

A was sick last night throwing up god knows what and of course as she is only five she cant puke alone, I on teh other hand witch much prefere to puke alone but that is a different story...that is my story.

poor little thing but as we overslept as anyone who doest have an alarm clock in thier bathroom knows is bound to did the Z man but we good have skipped that as it was only pre school...anyway we were late and I didnt shower ( still havent and might not) anyway we only missed chapel so all was good saved a buck on offering and she didnt miss any important literary lessons that might occur in kindergaren..oh geez ...kindergarden is heavy duty stuff these days . she was learning about trapazoids and things of the like, hell she had to teach me what it was cause I sure didnt know.

Isaiah is coloring on my wall right now with Red crayon.

I dont even care of course M might care so I will somehow have to try to figure out how to either hide it or remove it and I dont feel like removing it....I will be 29 soon I want to be thin by then.

So thats where I am at.

i married Ed again last night...we decieded on no food except for egg white s and CHEESE...gotta have the cheese or it taste s so shitty.

Recovery is done da da DONE.

thanks dad for bring ing AN back dont want to deal with so either do I.

shit ...the kids forgot to brush there teeth ...oh well at least I brushed mine...although they are falling out and breaking ..once again thanks Ed.

I want another baby

but the H man has cut his nuts so I cant unless I steal someone and I know the perfect persons to steal..can you guess I am feeeling slightly MANIC...that is what happens when I dont EAT...I tried eating but it s so over rated... besides I weigh like 5003 pounds and that does not require food....

ever seen the utube SHOES.. well that s how I am saying food...real quick like its a game...yeah I feel nutty but ofcourse sleeping in a room where people either shit or puke may have something to do with it....myu kids sure do puke a llot... the baby puked in DD yesterday while I was getting my was so ooooooo GROSS...thankgod I didnt have to clean it up.

You know what I shouldnt have drank that energy shot its made me looopy.

my hands are cold and the baby s groweling at me...I need a hobby..oh yeah I forgot I have ED...all caus eI wiegh 5oo3 pounds

oh shoot me Id be better off....time to clean the house and definately the bathroom



Zena said...

you know what I quit...

I cant keep anything down not even my safe little eggs and I am still a fat cow so much for optimism...I need to lose 39 less then yesterday

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

You know, Zena.. this might sound a bit harsh, but I'm wondering why you're choosing to do this to your children. Why are you allowing your father to take away from YOUR CHILDREN their mother? This was clearly a choice, this relapse, from the content of the past few posts you've made, and it honestly just astonishes me that you would make the decision to put your eating disorder before your children.

Yes, your father's refusal to acknowledge the past abuse is hurtful. Yes, it's unfair to you. I would never say otherwise. But you have children of your own who depend on you to be their mom. I don't even know these children, but I do know that they deserve a mom who is devoted to them - not to her disease.


zubeldia said...

Zena, wow, I have never heard you speak like this. it's honestly terrifying. Sweety, this is YOU making a choice, this is not your dad. Your dad didn't bring AN back, you did. And while that might sound harsh, it's the truth. You're giving your power to your dad, and really, this is you. You're GIVING it to him, and you know, Zena, you are giving your kids a whole lot of misery.

I try very hard not to bring your kids into this, because you suffer, because you really do suffer and it's misery for you, but hon, you have had help, lots of it, you know too much to go back, so whereas before you had little choice now you have lots. I will say this: this is not okay. I have no idea how much your children with suffer in the long run. I grew up with a mother who was ed'ed. It was horrifying. And it wasn't even that explicit. She just binge ate and dieted a lot. this is different, Zena, and just as your parents scarred you, you are scarring them.

I know this sounds brutal, but what you're doing is simply not okay.It isn't. I don't know what else to say.

You are deeply unhappy, that's clear, but you are making a whole lot of misery for your family. it is so sad. But it's also tiring for everyone. You're going to lose everything, Zena, if you don't do something. This is your choice. This is your life. Only you can change this. But your choices have radical affects on others. And I dont think you can forget that.

firefly said...

I agree with both z+s What is going on with you and M? From what you told me last weekend it didn't sound good either.
We all make choices turn it around before it spins out of control. I still have faith in you but you need to live in the present and handle the abandonment of the past. Food is medicine. Take it like that!

firefly said...

Girl: Where are you? I'm worried!

kb said...


I don't know what to say here - I realize that I don't "know" you, I see you, or parts of you, through this blog, but the defeated tone, the sense that you are giving up and that you don't care anymore are too strong and too obvious to ignore.
I do wonder what other people in your life see. Do you want them to act because you are shutting down?
I know that it is a struggle, and I don't want to sound polly-anna-ish, but using the eating disorder to 'cope' is NOT coping. And you are not even using it to cope these days - it's just an escape and a method of self-destruction.
I hope you can reach out to others and find a way to make meaning out of all of this.

Zena said...

I m trying guys I am trying, I just had lunch but am feeling so defeated...I just bought another pair of pants size 6 i am just so fat I cant stand It ...I cant live in this body...

S, I don t know why I am choosing I keep having this fantasy that it wont effect th em this time or that I dont matter and they dont need me...all this past pain I am drudging up feels more then I can handle and I DONT want to handle it, i realize I am making ..have made a choice but with it comes a sense of relief...that while I deal with the pain I wont have to be present...I am not very good and dealing with feelings and thses last few weeks have been a true test to that.

i will have to think abou twhat you said cause it honestly stung an dalthough I knwo I ts true..that my actions have a deep impact on others ( my kids ) I simply at the moment dont care...I am too fat to go on like this and I cant stand being so vile and ugly and despondent..I love my kids more then life itself and I am deluded I suppose in thinking that they will get out of this unscaved... its for that reason I would prefer If I were dead, my pain is to much I am to much and it all hurts so much I cant hardly stand it. to go on withthis drudgery is just more the a bearable task.


I know what you mean food is medicine but right now it seems like poison...taking hold of my body and ransacking it i just cant bare much more.

thanks for stopping are so right I am not copeing ..Ed doesnt work anymore, its a figment of my imagination that I can be EDed and live, ofcourse right now living is not on my top teen list of things I want to be doing...although there are other parts to me the mom part where I am loving and kind and enjoy there sweet smiles but all that seems distant that I have realized what happened to me a Remuda...they made me fat!!!

Love,. Z

zubeldia said...

"Its true..that my actions have a deep impact on others ( my kids ) I simply at the moment dont care..."

Wow, honey, this is truly sad. Truly sad. You're fooling yourself if you think that your kids are unscathed by this. They're not. If you were dead then they would be crushed. Nothing would be the same for them... Think about how your own mum's suicide attempt impacted you.

I'm not sure if I hear any of your voice right now. I just hear distortion and pathology, and I know you're more than than. Bloody hell, Zena, you're taling about ruining your life because you had to buy size 6 pants. This is a very small size.

And you're sacrificing your entire family for a size. Zena, I know you will not like what I say. I have always stood by you, standing up for you when others have made comments about your kids, but, just as your parents caused you to suffer, you are causing your kids to suffer. I don't think that you're making excuses, I don't think this is intentional, but you are the only one who can make a difference to the life of your cbildren. It would be unfair if I said 'Zena, cut your dad some slack as he might have been abused when he was a kid', and it's wrong for you to use the reasoning to justify what you're doing here. You're an adult, Zena. You have choices. Quite simply your children do not.

Hon, yuo are at risk of losing your children... because of a pant size. I don't know what to say to that. Feelings will not kill you. This will. And it will dstroy not only you but all those around you.

I care for you, Zena. I really do. I have always been here for you, but I simply don't know what to say or do.

Zena said...

okay HOW do I stop what i have started...Z, you made me cry and I you touched part of me that felt dead. I love my kids and I do was spoken out of anger...anger at myself for letting this happen again...for letting Ed be my out. Yes they will not be unscathed...yes I know this I need to be reasoned with I need that dose of reality...but it hurts so much the pain seems unliviable. Its only been days since I made the choice to reunite with Ed ..not that he ever left but that I was fighting him now he has overtaken my thoughts and I cant rid myself of him. I knwo you have always supported me I know that and love you for that...I want to just hurts so much to try...Im deflecting and I know it...anyway I had lunch and havent purged so thats a plus at least it is for me not ED..and I get to watch a bunch a babies at church tonight so that should be fun..I wont have room for Ed thought swith a bunch a babies hangingn off me :)

LOVE, Zena

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...

Oh, Zena.

I know - I mean I know - how much this hurts. Really. Those aren't just words, that's a fact.

This woman I know, an amazingly inspirational woman, told me once that living well is the best revenge. It's true. You need to make the CHOICE to give yourself the life that wasn't given to you from the start.

You do not need to continue this abuse on yourself.
You have suffered enough.

I, like Zubelida, don't feel "right" throwing your kids in the mix here.. but, honey, the truth of the matter is that children learn by example. If you were negatively affected by the ways in which your parents led their lives, you cannot afford to be blind to the fact that your children are affected by the ways in which you are living yours.

At the end of your life, Zena, (which I hope will bemany, many, MANY years from now) think about what is going to matter to you. Will it matter that in October of 2008 you were wearing a size six? Or will it matter MORE that you got to watch your children grow into capable, successful adults - and that you will be surrounded by love instead of explaining your past actions and hoping they accept your apologies?

I think you know the answer, Zena.

How do you get out of this mess? One minute at a time. Pull out your meal plan and choose to follow it. Call a support if you're struggling with wanting to purge. Use a coping skill. Journal, play with your children, draw.

You have the tools. Now you have to make the choice to use them.


Zena said...

Oh Fuck

ED is so loud to today, i want tot eat some lunch but Ed wont let me how do I combat the voice...when all its telling me is today is a no food day... M wants pasta for dinner, I said fine I ll cook it but I wont eat it and he was like I will Divorce you...and all I can think is well at least I will be a thin divorce'e...I saw a women in the super market who was clearly Eded and she was so this and I was so jealous..I put back my yogurt and wanted to cry...I hate me I hate that I am thinking like this again I hate how distorted I have become, how does this happen how do I go from so pro Recovery to so ugh..hateing life....God I am so fat FAT FAT AFATTATATTATATTATA
ugh I am so angry that I let this happen FUcking Remuda

zubeldia said...

Honey, I know how hard it is. I do. What is not helping is blaming Remuda. It began a journey for you toward wellness. You can return to that path. Right now you are giving your power to distorted thoughts. Look, it may help you in some ways to conceive of your ed as a separate person, but hon, these are YOUR thoughts, and yuo have the capacity to change them, little by little. The woman you saw today is ill, honey, she is ill and sad and lost. Poor her/ And poor you, honey, because this is a dreadful feeling, but right now you are clinging to destructive thoughts, and that's where you need to practice some mindfulness.

Yes, the woman was thin. So what? What are you envious of? Her illness, her incapcity to look after herself properly? Are you envious of how she makes her life small, of how fear has her locked in this prison?

Zena, right now only you can make changes. You can eat lunch and keep it down and mindfully get through the afternoon. You can make and eat the pasta and connect with your husband and kids and get through the agony of the meal. You can do it. Just one moment at a time. When you have the distorted thoughts you need to observe them - to be mindful of them without engaging with them, without judging them = and then you need to eat understanding that the costs of anorexia are too much.

Eating disorders are costly, my friend, and the costs are not only to you. If you can write out here what the costs of your ed are... for you and others.

For me: ed behaviors will cost me my fertility, my bones, my health, my marriage, my friendships. Ed behaviors will make my life small, they will take away the joy, the pleasures, the spontaneity, the small pleasures.... It will cost my hsband his happiness, it will take away from my relationships in all realms and thus all those people will suffer along with me...

Honey, I know the voice is loud, b ut understand that this is your voice, it's part of your brain structure, and so you have the ability to change that voice. You have the skills and knowhow to do that, so, zena, here is where you lean on those resources, this is where you THANK Remuda. Here is where you say to your husband, I need help getting through dinner. Don't threaten me with divorce, help me, and I will help me too.

Here's what you do, Zena. And if it all seems overwhelming then remind yourself that your life is made up of just a series of moments. You just have to get through each moment..

Zena said...

okay Zubee,
you are so reasonable I cant help but listen to you. I made the decision to eat lunch and I have thus kept it down it was nearly an hour ago...I dont know about dinner yet but I am taking this one moment at a time .

Yes that women..that poor women I saw her and I was her..she sat agonizing over could tell she kept picking it up and putting it back and that used to be me I dont want to go back there so I suppose I should start to do some hard core work.

What Ed will take away from me:

My family, my childrens happiness, my future of watching them grow up, my health, my heart cant take much more. My life will be contained in this little AN box...of counting and recounting calories and dreaming things of negative nature. I wont be present, I will be alone. and I will still be sad.

I know they are my thoughts and I knwo they are distorted but they are there...being angry at Remuda is childish. They saved my life, I should be grateful so here is where the real work comes in..I need to stop focusing on Ed and start to focus on the trigger...the trauma work, I cant get over this Ed unless I deal with the real issues..the real issues seeming to be what I am running from, what S and I have been dealing with for the last three weeks..I will not waste a T session tomorrow dealing with behaviors I will pull my head out of my ass and do some real work if that means white knuckeling it for a bit then so be it...

Thanks Z you pulled my head out of my Ass....yes I wil keep thinking that that poor girl really cant take care of herself and I have been givena second chance, I have learned how to practice self care and that is just what I will do

Love, Zena