Its getting hard

I feel the pull of the AN voice ..swallowing is hard , nothing seems apitizing...and everything hurts. I ate my dinner last night and didnt purge which is good in fact I havent purged for like 10 days or something like that...but I guess its cause Im not really eating all that much. food has become the enemy again, like this thing to fear that will torture me in my head...yes I still feel like I 5003 pounds but thats not it...thats not what AN is about right I am trying to grasp some control over something the question is what? I am having a hard time getiing up and getting dressed...I think I am falling into a deep depression even with the meds...sigh:(
all I want to do is sleep and I am desperate need of some support, I feel all alone. < is sleeping and its like 12:30 here...the kids are running around like little monsters...they are whinning and fighting over everything...its bordering looniness...even the baby is gettin ginto the act, its pretty fustrating, I have yet to take a shower or do much of anything that I need to do, like some major heavy duty cleaning, my house should be condemmed...

I slept allot I should be so tired but allas I guess that s what being depressed does to you...it sucks the life out of you...

I saw S and K yesterday whew rough stuff...S was really supportive in saying she knew how hard this was for me but that I have to admitt that I am unable to control my AN like I used, that I get sick really fast that it takes over my body and mind and I get weaker and weaker and I will be in hospital by chistmas...and that i just wont have....I wont have that you hear you devilish ED I wont fall victim again!!!!

In other sad news one of my best friends friends died monday morning, he was only 23 yrs old..he had a heart attack...no one understands and its just so sad and it bring the reality of death so much closer to the forefront...he was a healthy active 23 yr old youth pastor and he dies in five min from a heart attack...its so very sad and scary very scary.

Its especially scary because I have been told on several occations that my heart isnt in the best shape after all the years of ED abuse...so it could happen to me , really folks it could happen to me and that scares the crap out of me...what would happen to my kids..god what would happen to my kids...

I am full of despair and I unsure of how to pull myself out of it, its scary when you get to the point where the anxiaty is so high you alomst feel paralyzed...I feel alone and scared and frozen and geez I just dont know what to do

Love, Z