Thursday, October 30, 2008

I want to post about...

how I wiegh 5003 pounds and I am a fat cow and that i would rather be dead then be this fat, but no one really cares that I Am a cow or that I exist really so I am just going to say that tomorrow is Halloween and I got the kiddos really cute costumes and trick or treating should be fun if its not to cold.

I missed a K and S apt this week due to sick kids, it seem s like there is always someone sick in my house and really its getting quite annoying.

All I want to do is sleep and starve but i cant well I shouldnt although I have been sleeping a little too much lately.

I just had breakfast and i feel like breaking my knee caps...yeah fun stuff.

I need to see S tomorrow despertly...I need to tell her how dissconnected I feel from everything how I want a connection so badly and I dont know how to achieve it. I also see K tomorrow which should be fun since I havent really done much of what she asked of me except for I had breakfast...ugh :(

thats it folks

I havent much to say

except I am a cow!!!!!!!!!!



zubeldia said...

Honey, it makes it extremely difficult to connect with you when you're in such a deep ed place. You wrote this:

"how I wiegh 5003 pounds and I am a fat cow and that i would rather be dead then be this fat, but no one really cares that I Am a cow or that I exist"

You have so much, Tara, you have so many worthwhile things about you. You are kind and intelligent and funny, and yet when you revert to this ed you lose all these aspects. Eds really do push people away. It's hard to connect with pathology and a disease... you simply get lost in it. I hear how alone you feel, and I guess I am wanting to say that it doesn't have to be this way.... But you need to know that your ed is like a shield. It stops you from conencting with people, hon.. You don't let anyone in - perhaps not even your kids. And this isnt a judgment on you, this is simply a reality of eds. Remember how connected you felt when you were doing well in recovery? With your kids, to K and S...

Just something to think about, babe.

Zena said...

I talked about connections with S today and we talked about how I am capable of having the connections we know that because in the past I have been able to be connected...but right now I am so frightened that I am useing the ED as A way to protect myself as you wrote a shield in a sense..and dig beyond that right now brings up a deep internal fear that I must overcome.

How to overcome that is the dilema right now but S and K and I have come up with a plan for the weekend and that s all that i am going to think moment at a time

thanks for your thoughts...really thankyou

love, Zena

DaftDragon said...

I SOOO sympathize with this post. I really hope you are able to face whatever demons you have to to get past it. In the meantime, I hope it helps to know there are people out there who often feel exactly that way. I seriously could have written that post. Zu is right, that is makes connecting hard, but it helps me to at least know that my strange disconnected head is something others have experienced...

Anyway, sending you hugs and good karma, best of luck!!!

Sarah said...

hi sweetheart, how are you?

Zena said...

im shitty to be honest is day 2 of no purging I know it seems like a small # but its been a long road to get here...I am either sleeping or cleaning niether which is conduciable to even behavior...ugh, I am feeling some serious disconnect with life maybe I would or others would be better off without me in it..but i havent quit yet I am still fighting one fucking miserable day at a time

love, Z