Thursday, October 2, 2008

forty pounds

then I will be at my AN wieght..thats what I need to lose by ummmmmm the end of january..thats my new goal... no more recovery just wieght loss

Recovery is to hard and the refeeding sucked so now hmmmm I just want to lose wieght

No more dad crap

No more hard past sexual crap

No more abuse

just pure, refined wieght loss

ahhhh relief comes in knowing the plan

i cant wait to disappear

Love Zena

ps dont be sad for me this is what I want...its what I need...I need AN back

gosh I feel so relieved

Love, Zena


Sarah said...

no. no, no, no. it is NOT what you need. you're not thinking clearly. talk to S about this.

sometimes the pain of the solution feels worse than the pain of the problem. but I promise you, the other side is worth getting to. it is worth getting through this to get there.

love you

Zena said...

It IS what I need I cant stand being in this body...I feel so relieved now that I have a plan...Recovery isnt worth or at least I cant remember why all too hard.

I dont knwo how to live in this body

all I do is dream about being emaciated again...I want it so bad...part of me knows its stupid but the other part is so excited to begin this journey again and to leave all the pain behind

I cant see anything but the end of the road being thinness

Im sorry to have turned so quickly but Ed is strong and fierce and he just wants me to be happy and thin...well at least thin...then I will be special and numb

Love, Z

Zena said...

of course I have stopped taking my med s so that might have something to do with it

but if meds mean I cant be thin then NO MEDS FOR ME!!!

Zena said...

back on the meds I saw SS today...we talked about the dad trauma stuff and the fact that I wiegh 5000 pounds...she says i am distorted I say I wiegh 5001 pounds..,we agreed to disagree;)

I just emailed S and told her I was falling back into AN and I wasnt sure that I could stop it..I will await her response...I told her I wanted to lay on her couch and starve cause there it is safe..and I need to feel safe, starvation feels safe...god I am so fat..maybe I need to lose 50 pounds ofcouse then I might be dead so we will go with 40...maybe i lost a pound today....I CANT DEAL WITH MY DAD...I cant deal with being this FAT


zubeldia said...

Honey, I don't know what to say. Nothing will get better through starving. That we both know. And yet I know the allure, the promises, but zena, this just cannot happen. You have a life, you can choose to move forward, you know too much to go back, and, IF you do go back then you will have made a choice, my friend. It will be more of a choice now than it ever was before because now YOU KNOW. You know what this does to you, what it does to your children, what it does to your entire family and, you know, you deserve more than this future you've mapped out for yourself.

What are you going to do, hon?

So I ran faster but you caught me here. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
firefly said...

Everyone has said how bad ed is. Please don't go there. You have to be strong. I'm worried about you. Do you need to go back to iop to deal with this stuff? Hang in there.