Wednesday, August 5, 2009

14 years

For 14 years i have had an Ed...it started my freahman year in high school so I guess it was really 15 years ago but I say 14 cause after a 6 month bout of anorexia...i stopped cold turkey...gained a bunch of wieght and felt so sick about O could stand it...My mother got remarried and I saw myself in teh pictures and about died.

It was then that my Ed truley began...I started off slow that no one notice, slowly cutting back here and there, and teh wieght began to fall off...I started to exercise, i joined a crew team(rowing) and my coach always emphasized the need to have a lighter boat so that we would move faster, my eating improved so that I would have teh energy to do the workouts, but after an hour of running for conditioning are stamia we would do an hour of heavy rowing sprints, long distancing, and erg work I would be exhausted but that didnt stop me, i would go for another hour long run after practice because I wanted to be the BEST and I was good, I was one of the best ...not to brag :) but really I was good even though I am short 5'4, but thus began my complusion with exercise, I wasnt really restricting too much but i was eating far less then would be required to maintain my wieght, so of course I lost again...and it felt good, to be strong and in control and productive...I excelled in my sport and although it was a spring sport I that lasted for four months I took up track durning the off season, would do our 90 minute practices and then return home to run again...i was on top of the world living on a exercise high...all the time...It was at that point I began to restrict my food again...I began very sick and my mom at 16 formed an intervention...my pastor a nurse and her sat me down and told me I would have to eat or I would die, this all came to furition after my mother causeght me changing my clothes and freaked out...your going to die she screamed and thus the intervention began...my first step to recovery was to eat granola...in front of them...I promised them it would stop and my mom and the rest of the intervention team believed me...It was then I begam out of control with the binging again...as we all know if you dont have formal tx and dont know how to eat, you begum disorded the other way...i didnt know how to be "normal"...crew season began and I realized I could lose wieght and still "binge" and be highly productive on my team...I became captin of my team and reached my target wieght even though I was still actively involved in my ED...sigh...thus continued my ED through complusive exercise...

I graduated highschool still very much involved in my disorder...then I got involved with smoking pot and drinking ...I took a year off from the craziness that surrounded me...I know I did it through numbing myself out in other ways (drugs and alcohol...i once again gained allot of wieght in that year as I had stopped exercising...I met my husband (boyfriend at time ) and we went to a bar ( hes nine yrs older then I ) one of his friends made the comment how beautiful i was and that I would be perfect if I was nt so "thick"...i was crushed and immediately went back to exercising...slow at first but quickly progressing to hours of running per day...i also started taking diet pills...i couldnt walk a flight of stairs without becomeing so dizzy and light headed I would pass out...it would happen allot..I though t i had a brain tumur or something...so I went to the doctor...immediatly she diagnosed with anorexia...and of course I fought her every step of the way...she looked at me and said " dont sas me, Im not your mom, Im your doctor you need help, but we cant help you til you want to help yourself"...and I decieded NOT to go back, after all I was still alive and of course miserable, but I didnt care I was thin...people started to ereally make comments as I became obviouly UNDER wight...I was asked if I had cancer ALLOT...it made me happy, sicking I know but I was glad people thought I was so sick, cause at least it meant that i was thin...sigh again...I started working at a nursing home where we forced to eat wwith our residents...I couldnt handle the food the anxiety became more then I could handle...I had heard about throwing up and I tried it and it worked...thus began teh purging...

I remember etaing dinner and then running to the bathroom, no one noticed at first and I thought I had it all figured out...starve durning the day ( worked 3-11) and purge my dinner...moer wieght dropped and I was confronted by my supervisor.."you have a problem she said.."you have an eating disorder and we are all very worried"...I was scared and denied it, after that I was on watch...all the time...so I had to be more careful and I was I would play would my food, and talk to the residents...tehn hide my food and throw it away...they ( my coworkers) all thought teh talked had worked...I was going to recover...blahhhh...I would never let that happen...I would never be fat again...i would nt let that happen...NOT ever...and I kept up the game until one day about nine months later I passed out at work, i was numb, i began to come to, but couldnt walk or talk or move...my pulse was so high they could count it, tehy thought I was having a heart attack...tehy called 911 and I remember being carried into a room, and the man who carried me, saying " oh my god she is a bag of bones...( I had been able to hide it through wearing oversized scrubs) I was at the hospital and my ability to move and talk returned...my mom and mike were there...and I remember the doctor saying she is sick she has an eating disorder she needs intensive tx...it was then I was sent to my first bout of tx (PHP)...I was 21 yrs old...and felt like I was 12, all decisions were taken away from me,i was forced to move back in with my mother for three months where I was constantly watched " I recovered" i gained some wieght and was given permission to move back in with Mike...I was 22 and started to lose wieght again ( I still was working at the same job)...I began to wake up at 7 every morning, go to the gym run 9miles...go home, go back to bed...go to work and go to bed and thus this cycle continued till I passed out one day at the gym...very scary...I was sick and didnt know what to do...2 days later I took a pregnacy test cause really be "that" sick again...It turned out..I was pregnat...shock of all shock as I hadnt had my period in forever...a miracle...I rolled around on the floor for ahile crying in hsyterics...because I was going to get fat again... I went to the doctor and was told I needed to gain 40 pounds or we would both die...I got a grip...pulled myself together..and dropped my Ed for the sake of my precious baby girl...i knew she would be a girl from day one...and I was free...I ate what i wanted..lots of cool ranch doritos :)...I thought my life would be free of the prison I had lived in for so long...but alas I gave birth and looked at myself in the mirror and collasped...with shame..I stoped eating in the hospital...and thus began my eating disorder again...i started running and complusivly watching what I ate and within 6 months was very sick again..when ALyssa was 7 months ols I became pregant with Zack...stopped my behaviors for teh most part and gained teh expected 25 pounds...as you can guess...he was born and Ed ran ramped AGAIN...I was able to maintain a fairly low wieght but not to low where I needed tx...till I got preganat agian...I couldnt do it again..i could go through the process again it was killing me I restricted and purged and ran my whole pregnacy...I didnt gain the wieght I needed..tehy put me in PHP again for 13 weeks...well actually I skipped a part before I got pregant I was in PHP for 12 weeks and got pregant my last week there...I had reached my gaol wieght and immediatly got my period back and got pregant...not the best timing...Isaiah was born...and I relasped even harder...11 weeks after he was born I was placed in refrew for 4 weeks..i didnt gain any wieght but learned how to eat agian...or so I thought....I relasped 2 months later...and went back to php...and that cycle repeated for a year..IOP PHP every other month til april of last year when I became so sick I almost died...I was placed in the hospital for 10 days with a feeding tube and a constant companion on bed rest i wasnt allowed to leave the hospital til I found a tx center will to take me...I was released and went to remuda ranch for 45 days..that was one year ago...I left at my goal wieght and very uncomfortable in my new body...I relasped 2 months later and have been in and out of IP short stays and php s ever since...this is my first REAL attempt at recovery...and I have to make it work this time...I will make it work...I am in recovery for the long hall...and I will trust the process soemthing I have NEVER done before!

SO folks thats my Ed story...on to a new chapter of my life...The RECOVERY chapter!!!

Love, Tara

8 comments:

Just Eat It! said...

It makes me sad to read how long you've had to struggle with this terrible disorder. I see so many similarities in the stories of people with eating disorders: interventions, treatment centers, collapsing. I hate what the eating disorder does to us. I'm so happy that you are starting the recovery chapter of your life. I hope that the next fourteen years are better than the past for you.

firefly said...

T: I found your history update interesting. Hmmm I can't remember some parts of my journey. Maybe because it's been forever. It made it sound like you didn't have ed for a long time. Kind of weird. So the forcing you around didn't work. You can do this! Oh you never said when your treatment team came into the picture.

PTC said...

Wow, I didn't know you were in and out of the hospital so many times. That's scary. You got pregnant so easily too, weird!

Charro always says to me, when talking about pregnancy, "you don't want to pass this on to your children." I thought of that while reading this.

Flushed said...

Wow. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. You have endured so so much. Thank you for sharing that with us.

XO
Flushed

lisalisa said...

Z- I have always been inspired by your courage to fight this illness! Look at all you have been through, and how well you are doing now, even if it is uncomfortable! Thank you so much for sharing your story. You amaze me!

Zena said...

my tx tean came into the picture when I was 21 after my first PHP stay, I had to be relaesed to someone and they found me the best...My mom, Mike and my tx taem in four winds...my home away from home..hahaha... yes I hate that my history seems so horiable and yet I am able to condense it to so little...those were just the bits and pieces of my life with the Ed that I remember...some of it was a complete blur, but ofcouse that was due to malnitrution... Ed has stolen my youth, my entire twenties but I am dertemined not to let it steal my thirties...that said...

I restricted today..for the first time in a while...it felt...good...scary... but good I am positively devastated over a friends loss, and I feel horriable it is affecting me this way...I need to be strong for her but i am so or feeling so guilty for being here when her loved one is not...I know it doeant make sense but we all know Ed twists things...I had lunch and a snack and am determined to eat some sort of dinner even if its its really late...I am so frightened...she must be terrified... how to help her through it...I am at a loss..I feel so helpless...NO need to TRUST THE PROCESS...but I am sofrightened...I need comfort and I feel that in hunger...crap..I HATE EDS...I need to fight harder..

Love, Z

now.is.now said...

Wow, Tara - you are a fighter! I really think *this time* will be different for you. I think you are in the process of closing the ED chapter of your life. I'm so glad you're trusting the process and I have every belief that that will pay off. You'll go backwards and it'll take a long time and it won't be lots of fun, but it will pay off. You are determined and, you're right, you HAVE to stay on top of this and fight hard. And you will - I know you will!

This post is inspiring me. I am not a good example to you right now, but you're inspiring me to have a snack before I go to bed. You're re-inspiring me to trust the process. I don't want to relive my history just like you don't want to relieve yours. And that is why we trust the process because what else is there to do?

you're a rockstar, my friend!

now.is.now said...

I responded to your comment on my blog but then made a new post so u might not see it... just wanted to tell you.

YOU ARE GREAT!