Tuesday, August 18, 2009

So Ill say it...

FUCK it I am crying...



I want another baby...like for reals...and I cant have one...I mean I can but M cant he had his stuff snipped...and I am longing...longing for another wee one to hold and nurture and to mold into a vital menbe of society...it seems like every one in RT and in BT (blogtime) is either having a baby ( meaning being pregnant) has had a baby...as in just gave birth or is contemplating having a baby...i can do NONE of those ansd it make SO SAD!!!

Isaiah is 2.4 years old...he is my baby...and you know what he is not getting younger, in fact quite the opposite ...he is getting ...shock to say...older...and really I freaking HATE IT !!!! every gosh darn minute of it...I dont thinkI would feel so bad if I thought that maybe some day it could be a possiabilty but its not, and to think that at 29 I have had my last childbirth really sucks...and needless to say i have never really been well durning my pregnancys (except where I ate cool ranch doritos while pregnant with ALyssa)..they were always soem sort of a stuggle whether it was to gain enough or not to run to much or not to freak out over every gained pound.. i dont knwo I guess I just want a chance to do it right..you know??

and I feel like right NOW I could and as time progresses I would get better at doing it right!!!

BUT I know it can NEVER happen and really that just plain old SUCKS!!


a lovely whine by Z....hug me ..hold me...tell me I can I have your kid...just do something cause this feeling blows...I WANT ANOTHER BABY!!!

and until I get one....Isaiah is NOT allowed to grow...do you hear me GOD....Baby man can not age....like ever..

okay Love you all..will pay for your babies and have a nice night...I may have to snuggle with the babes cause I am SAD!!!

Love Tara

12 comments:

firefly said...

z: I know the feeling cuz you know my situation but let's speak of reality of things. You are just starting to recovery with your ed. I don't think that right now would be a good time to get pregnant especially since you had a hard time being pregnant. Next you and M are having difficulty with your marriage. Do you want to bring a child into that? Ummm money is yet another reason Right now isn't a good time. Don't write it off totally just try to get a few good years of recovery under your belt. My old t used to say you need to give your body time to recovery before you get pregnant. Second, you need to figure out what you are going to do about M. If you decide to stay with him there are options. Maybe you chose adoption. You never will know what your life will bring. Don't say it's gone for good, just work on those other things first. I'm also wondering if it has to do with not having any kids in the house and thinking you need to have another one in order to stay home.

Just Eat It! said...

I agree with firefly. Focus on YOU first, and another child later. Your health is imperative if you want to have another kid. Think of another child as something you can work towards.

PTC said...

I have to step in and ask the obvious question, why would you want to have another child with your husband when you guys (from what it seems) don't have the best relationship. You talk about how he doesn't love you and how mean he is to you and how you should leave him. That's all.

I'll leave out all the other ED stuff.

Blu said...

I am definitely the jerk talking about having another one...but trust me that is a long way away and I have a LOT to do before I would really go forward with it.

Of course I agree with everyone else, focus on yourself and blahblahblah- you know you need to do that. But I see something a little different. I see your intense desire to nurture as something wonderful. Think back a few months ago when you felt like you could barely look at your kids, let alone nurture them. You've slowly opened up, and have been able to reconnect to them. Now, you're not only connected to them, but feeling like you have so much more to give. I think that's a great feeling that you can use in two productive ways.

First, you have three kids to spread that love to. Three to snuggle with, to kiss and hug, and yes, to rock back and forth even if they're 2! or 4! or 6!! They are yearning to be held as much as you are yearning to hold, just remember that they're STILL babies, just because they can talk doesn't mean they're not your babies.

Second, I think it would be so great if you used a little of that nurturing energy to nurture yourself! I know it's not the same, but that kind of kindness that's pouring out of you right now, try, just once, to be kind to yourself, and say some nice things that need to be said.

Last thing! The idea of adoption, in a few years when things have settled down for you and you're loving the calm, not the chaos, could not be a better choice. I know it might not seem like it, but if you've ever held a baby who is in the foster care system and has no one to love or care for them, you will feel the unbelievable purpose in loving that baby. just a thought...

You are always in my thoughts.

Zena said...

I know you are all right on EVERYTHING!!! I know I cant have another baby...but I have been feeling this way for a while and had to get it out...its that longing to care for the baby and to finally "get it right this time" if if I could have another baby I knwo now is not the right time...but I guess I just love babies...maybe I will volunteer to hold babies in the nicu or something...to get my baby fix in...BLU: you are not a jerk by any sort of means...there are babies every where i turn...or pregnant women, about to give birth..at the beach at the park at church and yes on blogger...I thinkI was maybe trying to give myself soemthing else to focus on other tehn recovery...I know now is the time to focus on my kids( the ones I already have and myself..its just teh thought that at 29..I will never be pregnant again...I will never have my perfect pregnancy...and birth...it makes me sad but I guess I need to refous my life to whats in front of me NOW!!!...Im good at avoiding things and I guess another baby would be a distraction from what is really going on in my life...and maybe subconciously as distorted and embarressing to admitt...it would be an excuse to relaspe...you are all right NOW is not the time to bring new life into this world...but awww I just want to snuggle with a newborn...I guess Ill go hug my babies...even though they are all yelling and screaming and being jolly...maybe the baby will snuggle with me...he still loves his cuddle time...maybe I can bribe him with watching sponge bob..that usually seems to work...dont worry guys I will not get pregnant or try to convince M to reverse his vesectimy...I will settle with what i got...good kids a home and the love i get from my dear ones...i guess it all started when the kids started asking what privalages they would get when they were 10 and I thought 10...shit...that s only 4 and 5 years away and look how fast time has flown by...it feels like alyssa was born YESTERDAY..shit I can still feel the labor pains :)...oh well a girl can dream cant she...and if anyone wants to give me thier baby for a day or two I would be grateful...Zuby if you are reading this...I WANT RAFI!!!! He a beautiful baby...but I guess to me they all are..okay am getting long winded...just know I KNOW you are all right...NO babies for me...sigh

Love, Z

Eating Alone said...

Ok as a guy, and from a guy's pov, just because he's "snipped" doesn't mean it's permanent. I know guy's that have had it reversed. And I think biologicaly he's still generating and a fertility doc could get them out and well put them in you.

I total agree with the other's about getting better first and concentrating on the ones you have. And fixing the marrige first. Just wanted to give you a ray of hope.

Blu said...

If you had facebook you could have read my post yesterday which read: 'Anyone in the market for a 10 month old baby boy? He is currently teething and sleep deprived from a weekend at Grandma's- comes as is.'

I think holding babies in the NICU is a GREAT idea. If they have a program like that near you I think it would be nothing but good all around for you, and for the babies! Look into it!

Zena said...

Rays of hope taken!!! thankyou David!!! it helps to know that maybe one day in the future I might be able to have another child if we both wanted too...but yes there are other issues pressing, SO I suppose i should work on those...guess I was just thinking or dreaming out loud...sigh..

Love, Tara

Flushed said...

I don't know what to say other than I really wish you all the best because that is what you deserve.

Luv~n~Hugs to ya =)

Zena said...

blu...sold..Ill take him and I promise to give him back when he like turns five and tells me hate me cause I wont buy him another tranformer :)

how are you doing sweets??

stay strong...babies change and we unfortunately have to change with them for some reason they dont understand that the world doesnt revolve around them...silly huh??

oh well welcome to motherhood...you are agreat mom and I have a feeling even if I begged you wouldnt give me you beautiful little man...or would you?? PLASE!!! :)

Love, Tara

zubeldia said...

i feel for you, tara. I don't know if we'll have more children (I plan to.. I want to), but having the ability to bear a child somewhat removed (if you stay with M and you stick to your initial plan) must feel pretty awful. EVEN if you didn't choose to have another, there's something about that choice being taken out of your hands which is a little heartbreaking.

And if pregnancy has not been something youve enjoyed, and if you think that it could be even better, then that must make it harder. I had such a difficult pregnancy and I am almost frightened to be pregnant again because of the extreme sickness and nausea, but I had a wonderful birth and I am just loving this little guy, and everyday he gets bigger, and almost everyday I wish again for the little newborn.

So I hear you. However unfeasible pregnancy is, and however much it makes no sense to have another child, the longing is there and it just plain hurts.

Love, Z

Zena said...

thankyou Z for getting it!!! I logically know that I cant have nor do i need more kids, although if i could I might seriously consider it...but thats not the point..the point is that its not an option anymore...I cant even dream about getting pregnant cause its not possiable...I feel like part of me, part of being a women has been stripped away...and there is NOTHING i can do to change it..it just makes me very sad. I will ofcourse keep loving and nuturing the children i have and I know there are many great experiances to look foward to, many new things they will do and learn and every moment will be exciting, there will be many more firsts in our lives...but..although I never liked being pregnant...I lOVED giving birth, most women feared the pain...I loved the excitement of bringing new life into the world...oh well whats done is done...now I just need to except it...blahhhh

love, Tara