Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Not now...please not ever...

yesterday started off inocently....i woke up....had my coffee...took my meds...blogged...and somewhere between the bathroom and the kitchen ED showed up. "Dont eat til yor so hungry youll puke" he said..."what?' i couldnt have heard that right, so I went on my merry way poured another cup of coffee and went and sat on the couch to watch sponge bob with the baby...its a secrect so dont tell any one BUT I LOVE SPONGE BOB, I think its hilarious, but anyway...so now its 10...been up since 7, figureed it was time to make breafast...so i went back to the kitchen and again I heard teh fucking voice...louder this time "I SAID NO FOOD!!!" what? i thought again where is this comeing from , i turned around to see if so other force like maybe an alien invasion had come down to earth and was saying these things to me...nope no aliens....what was I going to do...by now there was a full fledged war going on in my head...breakfast...no...but...no...but...I said NO!!! now its 10:30, practiclly lunch time...okay not really but was like just wait...see by now I knew it was ED and it was starting to piss me off, I mean who is he to tell me what to do? well I knew full well who he was ...he was my long time friend, comfort, great love of my life...now turned nemisis. so i made the eggs (2) counted the calories, counted how many caloried were in my milk from my coffee and thought phew...im okay Im under...thats when it happened...the magic number was given to me...from where it came from i dont know but it was there blasting into my brain, screaming at me...feeling weak and very pansied ass i couldnt take the screaming in my head so i listened...and I counted....what i could have for lunch, when I could have it...dinner...what it was to be and when....(eggs...my old safe food was the order of the day) (2) for lunch around 3 after I ofcourse had seen K and told her I would follow my food plan...teh plan to keep me strong and healthy and thinking clearly, i told her about the voice fighting that was goign on in my head...she takled to me...she even talked to Ed...and I left cofindant I would eat a propper lunch and that would lead to a proper dinner but I didnt...i ate the stupid eggs again...went to teh grocery store, bought soem diapers and gas and some crap for the kids to eat...got home...its now 6:30 and of course Iam hungry cause all I had eaten was four eggs and 2 cups of coffee..and you know what i started to feel powerful, strong like...like wow I could still do this...so you guessed it i had (2) more eggs for dinner and added a baked potatoe...I was under the magic number Ed had told me earlier in the day and I felt GOOD!!! My friend was back!!!

I was planning on chilling with him just for a day...but we all know ED doesnt work that way...he moves in quickly and quitely...or sometime not so quietly as evidence from the early morning screaming session we had had earlier in the day...so here I am up drinking my coffee and thinking okay just one more day...Ed likes to hand around even when he is an unwanted guest...hes rude like that, he has no manners and is bossy...I mean really he not someone I would choose to be friends with, so why am i letting him hang out with me...whats goign on that I feel out of control, so I am letting this dude give me some...

the kids are starting school soon...while they are excited I am scared always am...I freak out dont know why but I did it last year and ended up in the hospital but I can NOT and will NOT allow this to happen, I am stronger now...i know more...I am wiser (wise mind)...

well it doesnt change or help things that I feel fat ( like as in king size killer whale fat)...and he promised to help me with that...and I know he can, I mean we have done it before many a times...but IT CANT HAPPEN!!! I need to kick his ass to the curb...the only problem is I dont want to...i want to feel like I felt yesterday...I want to feel in control...i cant go down this road..I know where it leads...and its NO WHERE GOOD!!! NOT NOW.... NOT EVER... I wnat to tell you I will follow Ks nutrition plan...but I DONT KNOW, I mean...fear is gripping me ( like as in that old fear if you let go "Ill leave you forever fear" and i know you are all probally thinking let it go...in fact you are probally SCREAMING THE COMPUTER...SAYING WTF IS SHE THINKING? the thing is folks i am not thinking...I am being lead....I need some help today...I need some good old fashioned adice on ass kicking ED, it took allot of arguing with ED this morning to even write this ....to ask for help..but I am doing it...I cant promise I will follow my Mp but I also know that magic number is only magic if I want to be in the hospital or dead...and that is not what I want...so some good old ass kicking is in order...got it in you folks..feel like kicking some ass today...I dont ...so could you just kick it for me...I mean please my peeps...Im sending out an SOS before I lose all control ( which is far from happening but we all know its just a matter of time)

hit me with it folks...i need it...like for reals ...i think if I dont stop it today it might be to late...EDs an alluring little devil...I have been avoiding posting this cause well I felt liek I needed to be strong but the thoughts have been there for awhile and now teh actions are following and this can not happen...not now NOT EVER!!!!


love you all

Tara

15 comments:

Eating Alone said...

Not fair Tara! I'm having a breakdown now your ED just got jelouse of mine!

You told me "give him an inch and hell take a mile thats how he works...he a devilish bastard and enjoys to watch us suffer...I am with you counting and recounting todays numbers but we have to be strong...i am trying to be strong..if not for me then you guys" I'm doing it for you! You do it for me! Do it for your kid's. Do it for your bank account! A hospital stay cost's a lot of money.

Yes he's a mean one. Yes he's tricky. Let him yell about the magic number all he want's just make your meal and say this only has X calories in it I can eat it.

Last night I knew I was low, so instead of fish, low calorie I had "RED MEAT" (the horrors), a grain and a fat, and 2 servings of vegies. You can do it to! I just told myself "this is only 100 calories". It wasn't but I told myself that and ate it. You can do it!

now.is.now said...

okay, slow down for a second. I would like to speak to Tara's wise mind. Get your wise mind ready. Having your wise mind listen does NOT mean that ED will go away so you can just tell ED that he needs to just sit still for a second while your wise mind listens...

You know you can't play with the ED for even an hour. You know the more you play, the harder it gets. You know you end up EXACTLY where you DON'T WANT to be. And yet, it's still tempting. I don't care if it's tempting. You shouldn't care if it's tempting. You simply cannot AFFORD to listen to ED. Do things that aren't tempting, Tara. You are capable of that. You've been strong since you got back. You've had A GOOD summer. You took your kids to the beach. You followed your MP no matter what most of the time. It's not that you never struggled, but you were always able to remember who you are and what you want and you were able to do the hard (healthy) thing.

You should not allow yourself to think today. You need to follow your MP like it's your job. The more you do it, the easier it will get. ED will scream at you, and you will calmly notice, and you will shrug your shoulders and call him a weirdo and move on to your next meal. You will keep your focus on your kids.

Don't be overwhelmed. Just do the next right thing. Eat lunch now. Make it an eat it.

Doing the same thing (listening to the ED) will get you to the hospital. Yes, you'll feel great for part of the time, but then your life will be ruined. You're stronger than that! You dont' need that much instant gratification!

Doing a different thing (not engaging in the ED, eating well) will be hard but it is the only way for you to be happy (ultimately), your best person, and the best mom possible.

Keep us updated. Stay calm and act well.

lisalisa said...

first of all , i must confess that I, too, am a spongebob fan.

Second, i want to share with you what I have been thinking about lately in case it helps. I have been thinking more about "health". You know, eating healthy foods, gentle excercise, deep breathing, crap like that. Even (gasp) limiting artificail sweetners and diet soda! I know, I know, sounds crazy. But my thought is, I might just accept the fact that I'm always going to be "aware" of what I'm eating and semi-obsessed with food. Why not channel it into something good? I know that the restricting, bingeing, and purging is making me feel like crap, low on energy, and i'm not even losing weight anyway. So why not try something different? After all ,you only have one body. Why not treat it right.

What i would say to you is, eggs are healthy. That's good. but just eating eggs all day does not provide your body with what it needs to function at its best. You need a variety of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains (of course I know you know this).

Just think how good you will feel if you stop the cycle of self- abuse and start treating your body right! It might even help balance your emotional states (i'm hoping it does this for me). And if you remember my "doomsday" post, I'm thinking about those things, too. I mean, with a new flu pandemic waiting to hit this fall, you don't want to leave yourself vulnerable to getting really sick. That would be miserable.

Please don't read this and think that I'm condoning restrictive eating. I'm just saying it's ok to be healthy and, well, be healthy.

Hope I made sense.

Zena said...

I loveyou guys!!! update:

I ate breakfast...it was a struggle but I am trying to use my wise mind...its 2:30 and no lunch yet ...i am trying to fight the Ed voice but the bastard is a tricky one..your comments all made me feel better...letting me know i CAN do this!! Im not hungry but I know I must eat NOW to prevent a binge...so here is me going..."trusting the process" lunch here I come...I am not happy about it, i feel liek I am betraying part of myself if that makes any sense...but i will do it cause that is what I have to do...sigh...Im really NOT hungry...but i guess it doesnt matter


Love, Tara

lisalisa said...

just read my comment and decided it was totally lame and didn't come out at all how i was thinking it. It sounds like I was lecturing you in nutrition, which is not what I meant at all. My mind was just all over the place when i wrote it.

Good job challenging yourself today. Remember, you are not betraying anything when you nourish yourself, except maybe ED, but he is a bastard, so who cares :)

Blu said...

I didn't get to read through the other comments, just your post but I wanted to quickly say something...so sorry if someone already said this...

I just wanted to say that I know you're a great mom. You are a fantastic mom and you love your kids dearly, but that is not enough to feel whole and feel complete and happy. You need more, and you deserve more, and the world deserves to know you and adore you like we all do! Someone said that to me once, and it could not be more true for you now.

You are stressed that your kids are about to go back to school, and leave you. What will you do all day? if it's just you and the baby at home, how will you stop yourself from giving into hanging out with your old best friend (ed)? You need to, for lack of a better phrase, get a life! Trust me, I only say this because I needed to get a life BAD. I hate going to the playdate things sometimes..but I drag myself there because I need it and Miles needs it. and you know what, I have never felt worse after going. i am always glad I got away from my house and my isolating thoughts for a while. i always feel refreshed, and like a member of the real world. A little more myself. So please, find something, anything to schedule, to make time to go to so that you have a chance at beating this. You can't win if you're all alone and the only comfort or entertainment you find is listening to ed.

Oh, and I think of you often even though I don't say a lot. I'm so glad you're doing better, I've enjoyed your silly days and fun things and quitting smoking and all of it, please keep going. Don't fall back into the trap, you can do it- but you can't do it alone in your house with a two year old all day every day, you know?

Zena said...

Lisa your comment was NOT all over teh place...in fact it was very inspiring...i just read your new post ( will comment later) but really follow what you wrote, have some faith in your self and know that the words you speak have value...not just for your self but the ones you speak them to...(ME)

thankyou my darling...you are dearly loved and special

Love, Tara

Zena said...

Blu,

we posted at the same time..lol...

I know I need to "get a life" my T tells me teh same thing..in just those words :)

i need to make friends...real ones that dont beat into doing things like straving or B/P ...I thinkI have been having some weak moments but I still know what is real..RECOVERY and its teh only way to go...i mean really what choice do i have...live with ED or live a LIFE...Iam going to find a play group even if it kills me...even if I have to tackle someone down to play with me and my kid...I mean I dont completely suck right...Ed says yes...but you guys think differently of me so Ill go with you guys...Ed is retarded...and as far as I can tell has never led me anywhere good...although i can say he led me to remuda where at least they had yummy food:)

Love, Tara

now.is.now said...

Yeah, Lisa, your comment wasn't lame at all! You have this really awesome, relaxed, attitude lately and it's positively affecting all of us. Your comment was helpful and inspiring (to me).

Tara, great job at breakfast. Did you eat lunch? If not, have a small snack before dinner. It's so worth it to not binge.

Blu, great advice. No one can do this alone. Whether "this" is fight an eating disorder or even just be happy. We can go through life alone. We all need to use our voices and stand up for ourselves and get ourselves what it is we need. Zena, you need people and nutrition. If you can't find any local people, pick up the phone and give an old friend a ring or a relative. If that doesn't work, go stand at the park and spark up a conversation with someone. People and nutrition will keep your brain sane.

Tara, you're not alone. All of us are doing "this" together. Imagine you're about to conquer whatever it is you're afraid of (dinner, a phone call, a play date). And Imagine that there are millions of other people out there who need to find the courage to do the same thing you need to do (eat, call, arrange a play date). Now, imagine you and all the other people in the world working up the courage to do it together. You're not alone. There are so many people who need to do the same things you need to do. We are all in this together. Kay? It's not just you and your thougths. If's all of us - there with you - umphing ourselves through the fear and discomfort.

And, no, you do not suck. You have been someone who never stopped believing in me (at least you didn't let me know if you did haha). Why do you think so many people read your blog? (Stalker readers out there, put some comments up so Tara knows you're here!) We read because we are invested in you. We are not invested in your eating disorder or your bipolar disorder or your marraige or your motherhood or anything else. We are not invested in you as a soap opera. We are invested in you as a person and your personality. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US is pulling for you. If, tomorrow, you woke up and had no eating disorder and everything in your life was "perfect" and you never felt a "hard" emotion again.... WE WOULD STILL READ! Because we see the real you that is loving and intelligent and hilarious and unique.

So, imagine all those people out there who need to pick up the phone and get socially connected. Imagine all the people out there who need to put themselves in public and have a conversation. Imagine all the people out there who need to nourish their body with yummy and healthy food. (I'm one of those people, btw). Now, together, the millions of us will "umph" oursleves through the discomfort. We'll prepare the food, have the conversation, and choose to be part of the rest of the human race.

Zena said...

Laura.....I LOVE YOU!!!!

words can not express how deeply you tough me and how much I care for you!!!

I never stopped believeing in you!!! and I never will!!!! WE TOGETHER WILL WIN THIS WAR!!! you have just inspired me to eat dinner...yes you Laura inspired me once again...I had a small snack at 4:30 and was going to call it dinner but you know what K nor you nor the rest of my dear blogger friends would approve of that so now that I am making my kids dinner...I thinkI will make self something too...i cant promise it will be perfect but i am not aiming for perfection here i am aiming for foward movement...so here we are all together...moving foward!!!

Yes we can all DO THIS!!!

ALL OF US CAN BEAT THIS!!!!

SO lets all lock our doors and nail our windows shut, check teh caller id and tell ED BO ONE IS HOME!!! he doesnt deserve our company...and really we dont deserve his!!!

ROCK on Ladies and gents...today(tonight will be an ED beating ASS kicking kinda night)

Okay

Im doing it...I am walking into teh kitchen right now..

#$#%$$# you ed

loVE, TARA

Telstaar said...

Tara... I want to just give you some hugs... *huggles*

I want you to know that no matter what is going on, that you are loved for being you. You are not loved for succeeding or not, for being thin or fat, you are simply loved.

*huggles with love*

xoxoxo

now.is.now said...

Still not alone.

Together - with all the millions of other people who are faced right now with this same problem - you are joining hands with them and eating breakfast. And then... then you're going to have yourself a day - where you are doing your very best to stay socially connected.

belinda said...

trust in the process
it is hard
but not too hard

life is precious.
love you.
x

Flushed said...

I get it.

The strength is in you Tara, read through your blogs, there is evidence of it there;in this very post even. Sometimes knowing what you DON"T want is a start. You don't want ED, you don't want to be in the hospital, you most certainly don't want to be away from your kids...all that and so much more should be reason enough to stick to the MP (or close to it).

I love and admire the fact that you are able to differentiate between yourself and ED.

You've come so far, made so much progress, gained so much strength. Don't turn back now Tara, just keep going. One meal at a time. One day at a time.

I believe in you! I'm rooting for you Tara!

XO

Dee said...

Tara....the key is NOT to be loyal to "Ed"...be loyal to YOU as a champion!! You are a fighter and you are a WINNER!!

you are doing good fighting!!

Safe hugz!