yesterday started off inocently....i woke up....had my coffee...took my meds...blogged...and somewhere between the bathroom and the kitchen ED showed up. "Dont eat til yor so hungry youll puke" he said..."what?' i couldnt have heard that right, so I went on my merry way poured another cup of coffee and went and sat on the couch to watch sponge bob with the baby...its a secrect so dont tell any one BUT I LOVE SPONGE BOB, I think its hilarious, but anyway...so now its 10...been up since 7, figureed it was time to make breafast...so i went back to the kitchen and again I heard teh fucking voice...louder this time "I SAID NO FOOD!!!" what? i thought again where is this comeing from , i turned around to see if so other force like maybe an alien invasion had come down to earth and was saying these things to me...nope no aliens....what was I going to do...by now there was a full fledged war going on in my head...breakfast...no...but...no...but...I said NO!!! now its 10:30, practiclly lunch time...okay not really but was like just wait...see by now I knew it was ED and it was starting to piss me off, I mean who is he to tell me what to do? well I knew full well who he was ...he was my long time friend, comfort, great love of my life...now turned nemisis. so i made the eggs (2) counted the calories, counted how many caloried were in my milk from my coffee and thought phew...im okay Im under...thats when it happened...the magic number was given to me...from where it came from i dont know but it was there blasting into my brain, screaming at me...feeling weak and very pansied ass i couldnt take the screaming in my head so i listened...and I counted....what i could have for lunch, when I could have it...dinner...what it was to be and when....(eggs...my old safe food was the order of the day) (2) for lunch around 3 after I ofcourse had seen K and told her I would follow my food plan...teh plan to keep me strong and healthy and thinking clearly, i told her about the voice fighting that was goign on in my head...she takled to me...she even talked to Ed...and I left cofindant I would eat a propper lunch and that would lead to a proper dinner but I didnt...i ate the stupid eggs again...went to teh grocery store, bought soem diapers and gas and some crap for the kids to eat...got home...its now 6:30 and of course Iam hungry cause all I had eaten was four eggs and 2 cups of coffee..and you know what i started to feel powerful, strong like...like wow I could still do this...so you guessed it i had (2) more eggs for dinner and added a baked potatoe...I was under the magic number Ed had told me earlier in the day and I felt GOOD!!! My friend was back!!!
I was planning on chilling with him just for a day...but we all know ED doesnt work that way...he moves in quickly and quitely...or sometime not so quietly as evidence from the early morning screaming session we had had earlier in the day...so here I am up drinking my coffee and thinking okay just one more day...Ed likes to hand around even when he is an unwanted guest...hes rude like that, he has no manners and is bossy...I mean really he not someone I would choose to be friends with, so why am i letting him hang out with me...whats goign on that I feel out of control, so I am letting this dude give me some...
the kids are starting school soon...while they are excited I am scared always am...I freak out dont know why but I did it last year and ended up in the hospital but I can NOT and will NOT allow this to happen, I am stronger now...i know more...I am wiser (wise mind)...
well it doesnt change or help things that I feel fat ( like as in king size killer whale fat)...and he promised to help me with that...and I know he can, I mean we have done it before many a times...but IT CANT HAPPEN!!! I need to kick his ass to the curb...the only problem is I dont want to...i want to feel like I felt yesterday...I want to feel in control...i cant go down this road..I know where it leads...and its NO WHERE GOOD!!! NOT NOW.... NOT EVER... I wnat to tell you I will follow Ks nutrition plan...but I DONT KNOW, I mean...fear is gripping me ( like as in that old fear if you let go "Ill leave you forever fear" and i know you are all probally thinking let it go...in fact you are probally SCREAMING THE COMPUTER...SAYING WTF IS SHE THINKING? the thing is folks i am not thinking...I am being lead....I need some help today...I need some good old fashioned adice on ass kicking ED, it took allot of arguing with ED this morning to even write this ....to ask for help..but I am doing it...I cant promise I will follow my Mp but I also know that magic number is only magic if I want to be in the hospital or dead...and that is not what I want...so some good old ass kicking is in order...got it in you folks..feel like kicking some ass today...I dont ...so could you just kick it for me...I mean please my peeps...Im sending out an SOS before I lose all control ( which is far from happening but we all know its just a matter of time)
hit me with it folks...i need it...like for reals ...i think if I dont stop it today it might be to late...EDs an alluring little devil...I have been avoiding posting this cause well I felt liek I needed to be strong but the thoughts have been there for awhile and now teh actions are following and this can not happen...not now NOT EVER!!!!
love you all