Thursday, August 27, 2009

short and sweet

all I have to say is that after 3 days with ED my life is a mess...I am a mess(thoughts) and its just not freaking worth it!!! I am going back on my MP as of dinner tonight....I dont care if Ed tells me Im a big fat cow...I dont care how loud he screams to do bad things to my body!!! IM NOT LISTNING!!! I swears...thank god I see S tomorrow! She knock some sense into me...ugh..I forgot how miserable Ed makes me...glad I remembered before it was to late...door locked, window SUPER GLUED shut, I am turning off my phone and there is no way he can reach me now...and even if he does...I ll just tell him my peeps are comeing to kick his ass ( you guys) youll do that for me right?...youll risk a black eye or 2 to kick his ass right?? yeah I knew you would!!!

out my friends..I got dinner to prepare!!

love you all and hope you are all well and fighting!!

Love, T


Eating Alone said...

I've got your back T. I can handle you ED much better than mine. I'll be strong for you, you be strong for me! That's work right? Switching ED's? Is that allowed? Ok, so here is the deal, I'll follow my meal plan, you follow yours. No listening to the door and pull down the blinds. No ED here.

Go eat dinner, so will I.

Zena said...

you got it!!! Its a cooking!!! Well fight together...its a war we both need to win!!!!



zubeldia said...

zena, babe, I've been reading your posts and I'm wondering how useful it is for you now to assign the ed a voice. I know it's a popular therapy device and I know you've theorized the ed in this way for a long time, but I don't know if it's working for you right now. I can speak for myself in saying that it was a way for me to relinquish some responsibility. You're forming these thoughts. You work hard to keep ed logic alive, and you work hard to keep the ed. I know it seems as though you don't, but think of the thought constructs you have to repeat again and again. Think of the behaviors.

I have known you for a long time. I don't know what it will take for you to get better. I know you have the potential, and I know you have had moments of freedom, but honey, you continue to build your own ed prison and it's sad to watch. Very sad.

My hope for you is that you can cultivate new strands of self, one that is far away from the ed. My wish is that you can construct an identity for yourself outside of this. It is so entwined with your sense of self, my friend.

Think what you could become, Zena, without this shit. Think about the mother you could be, the partner, the friend, the person... You can't ever know your full potential when all you can think of is how many eggs you can eat/not eat.

What can we do to help that doesn't enable this part of your identity to thrive?

Alexandra Rising said...

"I forgot how miserable Ed makes me...glad I remembered before it was to late"

I think that quote is very important and should be preached to all adolescents who are struggling with body issues.

JD said...

Read what Zubeldia has written to you, it speaks volumes and should be taken into serious consideration.
How many times can you do this Zena?
You have proven you can do this on your own.
You have proven you do not have to fall back on this.
I agree that you don't need to give the ED it's own identity. Those thoughts are inside you and the more you set them outside of you the harder it may be own them.

Zena said...

Okay...i am trying to think what to write so I dont sound defensive or anything but really can we give credit where credit is due? I have been in strong Recovery for three months...with a few slips here and there the last one lasting 3 days...but I and here is the (butt) I pulled mysself out of it...I recognized my distorted thoughts and behaviors and realized it wasnt working for me. Recovery is not a straight line it has its ups and downs, how we make it last is by pulling out of teh downs quicker and quicker each time and learning from it...which is what I did...I know that giving the Eating disorder a persona is not for everyone and some people think its away of escaping responsibility for thier actions but I dont feel that that is teh case for me...I give the eating disorder its own voice casue its NOT what i want...yes i realize they are MY thoughts and MY behaviors but if I didnt seperate teh healthy me vs the distorted me then i would constanly feel defeated by myself... and I cant see how that would be benificial, it really empowers me to fight th eeating disorder voice when i seperate the 2...I am by no mean shirking my responsibility for my actions but I am useing my healthy voice to be rational and use my wise mind...I dont think I am explaining myself very clearly...but whatever...Im trying.

I know that there is more to me then my ED, there is also the mother...the friend...the wife...the daughter...all roles that I am trying despertly to fill...and really as of late i am doing a pretty good job being all those things...the book "life without ED" is the basis for the seperating the identitys(voices) and it works for me...but that doesnt mean I can throw up my hands and say opps wasnt was ED, and I have no responsibility...cause I know thats not is ALL my just helps (me) to seperate the thoughts...I know its not for everyone but it helps me fight harder to think i am fighting another entity...cause i am not my eating disorder, I am much more...if i had someother dreadful disease i would fight the disease, not myself...thats what i am doing...i am fighting the disease..its just how I do it...and really although you guys may not think so, it is working for me...i am 100% better tehn I was 4 months ago and I believe I will continue to get better and fight even harder if need be to stay healthy...its become my number one be a HEALTHY mom...and i cant do that with my Ed hanging around!!

okay i have to grab some breakfast and go see S..Ill talk to her about what you guys said...all advice is greatly taking into thought...its just well right now this is working for me and if its not broke ...why fix it...I am sure there will come a point where i am ready to move even more foward with my recovery and maybe there wont be a need to seperate the identities...some day I hope and in fact know there wont be 2 voices in my head...there will only be one and it will be mine, the healthy one the one that just wants to live without any strings attached...okay I am getting really longwinded...better get ready.

much love,

Blu said...

I haven't left a comment because i'm not really sure what to say. But I'll give it a try...

I think that you are definitely making progress, taking steps, and for that I am soo happy. You have more energy, are SO much more optimistic, and are really comitted to fighting. All of those are awesome things. I think though, that's there's a next step to be taken, whenever you are ready to take it. I think that there is somewhat of a danger, like other people said, with being so identified with the ed. It has been your entire identity for so long, and I totally understand that. And right now, your identity is: woman who is fighting her ed with everything she has. That's great for right now. That will be great for a little while longer. But, at some point, maybe the identity needs to change to: woman who lives her life, and used to have an eating disorder.
I know that will take time, and I think it's so important for people to be patient and not push you. You will take the step, when you're ready. But for now, 'woman who is fighting her eating disorder with everything she has' is definitely not a bad identity.
I always think of you and wish the very, very best for you. Have a great day today!

Eating Alone said...

Hey your doing good. You slipped but you asked for help. That's what your supposed to do. I try and identify ED as a different person as well (I loved that book and can't wait to read her new one). That is just a tool that I use for now to recognize the unhealthy behavoir and help counter it. I just assume that your like me, you know that one day you will be free but it's not today. That's ok, we fight and do what we need to do in the moment, allways striving to get a little better.

And a three day slip, that's not so bad. You recognized and stopped the behavior. That's what you need to do. And that said I'm doing a little better today. I even had a shake and bake pork chop and baked potato last night. How is your meal plan going?

lisalisa said...

Hey, I just wanted to pop in to say that you, tara, are doing GREAT and kicking ED ASS! I know you have ups and downs but even in your downs your attitude is still SO much better then it was a few months ago when I met you.
I am so glad you are realizing that here is no place in your life for ED and it's time to cut him loose. Unfortunately there is some lag time in between the realization and the actual behavior change (don't I know it)but you will get there.
Keep on keepin' on!

PTC said...

Wish I knew what to say...

zubeldia said...

oh tara, I don't want you to think that i don't see what an everyday struggle this is for you, but in the years Ive known you, you have been in this position many, many times. Months of doing better - which come about only because every meal is fight, a struggle, an internal fight against a vicious eating disorder. What is missing, imho, is any real paradigm shift. I dont see you cultivating other aspects of yourself. I see instead a woman whose everyday existence is lived in relation to an eating disorder. I see someone who suffocates parts of herself just so the ed can thrive EVEN when you're doing better behaviorally.

I wasnt suggesting either that personifying the ed was an intrinsically bad idea, but I wondered how it's serving you, because you're still in the place where everyday is a massive struggle, where every bite you eat is agonizing. From here it looks as though most days are white knuckle days.. making deals with yourself, with ed logic, with others with eds, and I can;t see how this is different from three years ago.

You've mentioned you've been diagnosed with BPD. Do you think your ed is symptomatic of that? And, this is a hard question to pose, to what extent are your relationships with others based around your ed?

You deserve more, that's all. I just want you to know that. But I also want to suggest that maybe saying kudos to eating eggs is not the kind of support that is going to help you get better.

With lots of love.

JD said...

I also wanted to say that I realize what steps you have made in the last few months- but I too, have been reading your blogs for a long time now, not just for a few months...and have seen you go through this cycle of doing well for a few months and then not so well. I'm in no way saying that is what will happen this time around, and by all means, I want to see you be able to stay on this path and continue to move forward this time, for good. As I know you are more than capable to do so.
I too, like others have said in their own words, wonder what the next step will be for you. I think at some point it is necessary for us, as people with ED's to be able to make the switch from barely surviving each day, each meal, each bite being excrutiating to-- living our lives, going about them with work/school, taking care of our children, enjoying the days as they pass, learning new things and each day/meal being something that just is and to someday it being something we even enjoy again.
The hope is that someday we can become a person, like Blu said- who USED to have an ED. The hope is that is can be something of the past, not a struggle every single minute that torments us relentlessly and causes us to focus on this while avoiding our lives, the lives of our children, partners etc.
That is what I see happens with you. It seems like the investment is just as strong into your ED when you fight it minute by minute at this point instead of just living.
If you put all that energy into other things, creative things perhaps- think of all you could do!
But my concern is Tara, is time and time again, you will do well, make steps- which is great- but in that time there is still an unbelievable amount of focus on the ED and the behaviors. You have to make deals with yourself to get through the day, you have to rely on others to fight your ED voice, you rely on your T to help you fight the urges, you have to set up plans for yourself minute by minute at times to avoid behaviors.
I am in no means undermining your pain and struggle- I am just pointing out the facts that you have had many years in and out of treatment, at times long term and have been able to learn skills etc.

What do you think it will take for you to be able to do these things on your own -and- what is it that prevents you from moving forward to a place of leaving the ED behind you where you can have days/weeks where the ED isn't there at all? said...

Hey, T.

Just wanted to give you a hug, to encourage you to stay socially connected, and to eat well. I just read all the comments and am processing them all, trying to figure out what I think so that I can give you my opinion. Obviously you've done well this summer. Obviously personifying the ED has helped you do well. And, of course, as others have said, there are next steps to take too.... Anyway, I'll come back and comment again. I need to think about this. But, for now, I believe in you and I don't think yo8u need ot feel "ganged up on." I think everyone here is rooting for you and believes in you.

Have a healthy day!

Zena said...

I have been thinking allot about what you said...and after some great thought i can see why you think what you do. While I have had a few slips this summer aalot of my summer has been great, it has not been days filled with agonizing over food. There have been many days ...weeks at a time where i just got up followed my MP and lived my life. i soent allot of my summer playing with my kids at the beach, at parks, reading and simply just being. I know exactly what you are talking about when you say the "next step"...I would have to say that would be "living" right? finding other ways to fill my days other then fighting the ED. I have to say I thinkI am on my way to doing that, perhaps part of my problem is I dont usually share my success just my struggles and failures.. So I can see how it can come across one sided that i am constantly struggleing with ED thoughts...yes tehy are there, sometimes more then others, sometimes I agree with them and disobey them sometimes I just plain out disagree with tehm and move on and yes there are the times I agree and obey.

things keeping me in recovery for realthis time are: my kids, not just because i love them but because they are happier when I am happier, they are not worried all the time "when will mommy leave again" I think they see a great difference in me, I think people in my real life who see me on a daily basis see the changes. My kids feel safe again, and that is a priceless feeling...

I maybe...maybe might be taking care of a one year old this year...and suprize of all suprizes might be getting paid for it!! i have been thinking allot about what I want to do with my life when my youngest is in school full time...possiably getting a degree in early childhood development, I mean my passion is children!!! I love them, they make me happy, I love watching them grow and learn,and I know that is something icant do with my Ed hanging around...even just a little bit...thats not to say that i dont struggle...I still have a terriable body image that sometimes gets so bad it inpeads on me living my life, but most days i just take a shower, move on and ignore it, it may be soemthing that may not ever go away, I dont think I am going to be one of those people that one day wakes up and "loves" thier body, but I do think I will learn to live with it, without tryingto mutilate it through my Ed.

i have dreams now about my future and my Ed is not part of them..befoere i could never see mylife without didnt matter how long I was in tx for, I was not ready to give it up at those points...i feel liek I amfinally ready to start living after 15 years of hell...I will be thirty this year (cry) but with that new decade. I will believe will come a new life...I have things I am looking foward to in this year like my sisters wedding next september...I want to be present at it...not wallowing over the food. I thinkI have made some really important strides in starting to learn to live beyond the ED, no I am not fully there yet...but i am in the process...and one thing I can tell you with complete honesty Iam "Trusting the Process" to get me there...i hope i explained myself so that you can see that although I post allot about my struggles, I have made allot of living...something I could never have said a year ago,

Love, Z

zubeldia said...

Tara, it's so good to hear this voice. It really is. A voice which articulates a future, which draws out and makes manifest other parts of the self. and, truly, a voice that REALLY does counter the ed identity.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if you got that degree, if you could work with children and share your nurturing. You have SO much to offer, which is why I challenge you here. You can move beyond this, babe. I KNOW how hard it is. You know that I do. Even with great things happening ed logic is hard to contend with.After all it's oriented our mind for an awful long time.

I believe in you, Tara. I know you can take the next step.

With love,

Zena said...

thankyou Zuby,
I really value your oppinion, it really means allot to see you believing in me...and yes it would be great to get my degree...i thinkit would really be something I would greatly enjoy...I have always settled on the fact that I would have to be a nurse cause thats what my mom wants for me...but its not what I want...I dont care if I dont make allot of money...I just really want to be is teh Raf man doing...( Ilove all the pics and u tube videos...he really is a looker) you are really VERY lucky!!!

Love always,

Dee said...

Tara know that as your fellow bloggers and friends, that we will walk next to you...hold your hand, lend our shoulders and even our ears to listen. Know though, that you must be loyal to YOURSELF and not to ED. Don't be loyal to the abuser, or to the disease. YOU have proven that you can do this!

Blu said...

I've been totally out of it lately with my little sister visiting...she just rant to the store to get brownies to make, so I checked in...

"it didnt matter how long I was in tx for, I was not ready to give it up at those points.."

Do you realize what a huge statement that is? If you really meant it, really thought it through, I think that was the best thing I've read in a long time. It DOESNT matter how long you are in tx, if you're not ready to give it up you're not ready and yes, you will spend your life in hell. But you are saying, finally, which I guess I just never really 'heard' you say you ARE ready! There will be some hard times, but I hope that those times are when you are struggling with who you are, what you want for your future, decisions about what is best for your life and the lives of your children, what to do for their birthday's and surprise them with for Christmas--not what you eat in a given day.. I could go on and on, I am so happy that you're thinking about going to school for early childhood many things!

I hope you know, and really believe, that one day when you are sitting around thinking how long it's been that you've had a disordered thought- I would love to hear what else you're doing! I will never tire of hearing what great and beautiful ways you are contributing to the world. Gotta run...brownies and a Weeds marathon calling.... ;)

JD said...

Tara- it was great to read your reply! I wanted to get this emotion out of you...and am so happy to see Tara standing up for herself! I am glad that you have seen in yourself your strength and found your goals and I know you would be great working with kids!!!
When you do something that is your passion, it is amazing how much fun work can be ;)
Challenging your ED is hard, but well worth it! This time around though, Tara was challenged and you got pissed! You were able to defend yourself- who you are and what you are capable of doing- which is A LOT!

"My kids feel safe again, and that is a priceless feeling..."

Love this...

firefly said...

I'm wondering what is going on? It has been a week. Hopefully this is a good sign that you are living life ed free. Are your kids back in school?