Thursday, September 3, 2009

A decision!!!

okay my internet shit the bed yesterday...so sorry I wasnt around but i did do allot of thinking....starting in january I am GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!

early childhood education....as you all know I LOVE KIDS... want em...need em...love em...gotta have em...

SO I am going to teach them!!! I am SOOOOO excited!!!! like for reals, havent felt this good or confident about anything in a LONG LONG LIKE FOREVER TIME!!

I will start slow... a class or two on the either the weekends (if I am watching that baby) or early afternoon a couple days a week if i am not...I CANT WAIT!!!


am I nervous..ummm yeah...I mean every time I went to collage i was forced with a medical withdrawel cause of stupid things like passing out and what not....but NOT anymore... I am in recovery and part of Recovery is thinking about the ummmmm....FUTURE....something i have NOT allowed myself to think about...even for a second...but here I am thinking about the future.

I really am SOOOOOOOOOO excited, I cant beleive it... I couldnt even email S my decision ysterday cause ummm NO INTERNET....I mean we talked about it but it was just talk.... NOW I AM SURE... guess Ill suprize her tomorrow...

okay yesterday was a shit day...starting right after my Pdoc appointment...walked out to a flat tire....so yeah my day went great from there...Ill spare you the details...just know that even if my internet wasnt dead i probally would nt have been around anyway cause I after sitting on my bum for 2 hours waiting for mike to get there and then the fixing of the tire...i had to run around like an idiot trying to get stuff done like Alyssas physical...where after I had a melt down cause they told me she is bordering on being overwieght...yes she a little chubby (very little) but she is built like a rock...lots of muscle and big boned..BMI s dont take any of that into consideration...anyway...i had a momentary flip out, ran to the store to buy all "healthy" food and teh whole time imagined what would happen if I tried to control my daughters food...ie shell bee IP by 9 cause Eds run in my family and Ill give her a nervous breakdown...so i collected myself...kinda... and decieded to just offer her better food choices..I needed to do that anyway...BUT I WILL NOT MAKE HER NOR I NUTS OVER THIS!!!

okay I mean you have all seen her ...she s NOT fat...right??? and even if she were...there are worse things she could be...like a childhood serial killer or freak it...she could be really sick like with something bad... like cancer...not just bordering on bordering being overwieght...

okay Ill leave now cause Iam working myself up...did I mention I am going to school...eyes on the prize Tara...eyes on the prize!!!

love you all

tara

18 comments:

Eating Alone said...

Tell the doctor to get stuffed! Guess what kid's come in all shapes and sizes. GRRRRR... I so pissed at the doc now. This obsession with weight is totaly out of control. Let kid's be kid's. If she is healthy and exercises like she should she's fine. True some kid's don't get out and play anymore and that's not good but please don't make her nut's about the weight. And let's face it bordering on being overweight? what the heck does that mean.

Sorry, I'll get down off the soap box. I love the teaching idea. Good teachers are hard to find and ones that love it and kids make all the difference.

Sorry for going off about the doc like that. Teasing in grade school and HS let my ED way out of the box. I know it's not the only reason but it certainly helped bring it out.

Zena said...

Get back on your soap box...I need to get mad and fight for my daughters right to be a kid...she is into sports, runs around, plays, swims, take gymnastics and does base ball...the doc completely freaked out...and its not like she suddenly gained all this wieght she has been the 95 percentile SINCE SHE WAS BORN!!! nothing has changed...thanks about the teaching thing..I AM VERY EXCITED!!!!!!

I finally have a goal and direction and a dream...

Love. T

lisalisa said...

First of all, thats awsome that you have a plan to go back to school! I'm so glad for you that you are ready to step forward in your life and accomplish something that you have always wanted to do! You are an inspiration!

Second, I totally get the fears about your daughters weight. I know you want the best for your child, and you don't want her to grow up overweight and be mad fun of and all that. On the other hand, you want her to be healthy about food and her body and to love herself nomatter what.
At one of Annie's WIC appointments last year the nurse made the comment that her weight was high in proportion to her height. Well i really kind of freaked about it and imagined my daughter was doomed to be overweight her whole life blah blah blah. By the way, she was only 2 at the time. But since then i have thought about it and realized that I am not happy obsessing over my daughters food or weight, and it was getting in the way of me seeing her as the perfect, beautiful, wonderfull child of God that she is. I also realised that if I restricted her "junkfood", I would set her up to be a closet eater and have guilt about food later. THis is what happened to me. My mom never let us have chips of candy or junk growing up and I would sneak my own money to school and buy it there and always feel very guilty about it. Even now it is hard for me to keep snack foods in the house because I am always super aware that they are there and feel like I have to eat them quick before they are taken away, which is totally irrational.
So anyway, what I do with Annie is have one snack between lunch and dinner, and dessert aat night , and sometimes a snack in the morning. She tends to want to eat all day long but I try to stick to snacktimes. i also started giving her water instead of juice, because she was drinking ALOT of juice before and juice is king of empty calories. What I mean is, I would rather she have an apple then apple juice, because the whole fruit keeps her fuller longer. I have also noticed that she doesnt ask for snack as much if we are busy and doing something fun. on days when she is in front of the tv for a long time she seems to want to eat constantly. i think she wants to eat because she is bored. SO when it is possible, I have activitied and things for us to do.
Ok now it sounds like I AM restricting her but I swear I am not. Just yesterday we went to the candy store and bought jellybeans. I let her have some of them, and then told her she could have the rest after dinner. I guess what I am trying to say is we follow the 80/20 rule, where we eat healthy 80% of the time and eat "fun foods" 20%. It seems to work well.
Arrgh, sorry this has turned into a super long comment. i just wanted to share my own experiences with this and let you know you are not alone.
I just wanted to share one more thing. I once asked a therapist how best to feed my daughter so she wouldn't develop an ED. She told me that it wasn't the food, that raising your daughter to be emotionally healthy was more important. Then she wouldn't need to use food to manage her emotions. This seemed to make sense (except how do you raise your daughter to be emotionally healthy if you are still trying to figure it out yourself).

now.is.now said...

You wrote "eye on the prize, Tara" at the end of your post - and that is so awesome! I think going back to school is a WONDERFUL thing. And, what's even more wonderful is that you're going to be patient with yourself about it and start off slow! Focusing on the future is so much more fun than focusing on not being eating disordered. That's where I am now - wanting to just focus on the future. Problem is, I sitll have to focus on food - but I believe there has to be a way to focus on food (read: health) AND focus on the future at the same time. This is a really positive thing for you, Z, and I'm really happy.

As for Alyssa - please don't restrict any type of food or tell her that she needs to worry or anything. That doctor is an idiot. I think it's smart of you to offer more healthy choices and keep it in your mind, but the most important thing is that she is getting her nutrients, she's getting activity, and she's happy. She doesn't need to be bogged down with worry about her weight. You're a good mom - I know you won't bog her down with that - that's not what I was trying to say.

Glad you have your internet back :)

belinda said...

best news!
i am so proud of you :)
this is what it's about tara
you go girl. x

JD said...

I'm very glad to hear about your plans!!! Going back to school is a lot of fun- so many new things to learn about and so many new people to meet! You'll have a great time!!

And as for the doc appt. with Alyssa- I wouldn't even give it another thought if I were you...
You made a very good point, she is healthy. That's all that matters.
If you get concerned even a little, she'll see it and she'll get concerned too. I wouldn't change a thing in regards to her diet. She'll grow to fit into her weight anyways...she's so young!!!
No worries!

Zena said...

Thanks everyone...in regaurds to school...I am pretty excited!!! this is the first time in 9 yrs that I have been healthy enough to attend school, I withdrew for the last time when I was 21...okay so 8years(will be 9 by the time I start)after a mishap in the nursing lab room...passing out and stuff...they told me to take a medical leave and seek tx, and I have been in and out of tx since...anywho I was taking nursing and you know what...its all in gods time cause if I actually became a nurse I think I would be miserable...anyway i have some credits to go toward my NEW degree and I am going to talk to someone from thier admissions office in a few weeks to see what classes I need and what will best fit my current scheduale...really I cant believe I am actually doing it...i mean its always been a dream...but ED was always to important to give up so now that I am MOVING FOWARD....away from Ed and onto life...i also think by keeping Ed it was away for me to not move foward...cause really i was scared...afraid of allot...but thats another post...

anyway about Alyssa and the doc...we will be seeing a new doc at least for her... i dont need nor want someone telling me to put my kid on a diet cause thats what she essentially said (side note...same doc who OFFICIALLY diagnosed my ED... ten years ago)...I dont know yesterday I was ina tizzy...today i am trying to be reasonable...and (((Lisa))) I am following your advice...she happens to eat allot more when she is bored...so we just had dinner...she asked for a snack...i told her at snack time...7:30...shell want one before she goes to bed and shes not hungry now...so at 7:30...shell get her bed time snack and thats it...so far no fussing...i will not deprive her but i will also not allow mindless eating because of boredom......okay so she just asked to on the bouncy bounce..i said no...she asked for a snack after..im rethinking my answer...shes bored...okay Ill let them bounce...then snack...okay

peace out yo!!!

love T

PTC said...

That's very exciting. I'm happy for you. It will give you something to look forward to.

Flushed said...

That's Magnificent!! This time, THIS TIME you will be Aces!! I'm so happy for you Tara!

Blu said...

I am so so thrilled to hear about you going back to school!! I myself start next Wednesday! I have to admit, I'm a little scared, but so looking forward to working towards a future that is going to make me happy.

I have to comment as well, about your beautiful little girl. I agree with everything everyone else said, and am SO proud to see how you have reacted to it. Miles has always been in the 95% too- he is a BIG, healthy boy and i love it! You should be so proud of what a healthy, athletic little girl you have.

Our children are a direct reflection of us, and Alyssa is SUCH an unbelievably lucky little girl to have a mom who says f you to idiots who are concerned with the weight of an 8 year old. You are so so so RIGHT to focus on her health, and that's it. Who wants a scrawny little girl who can't stand up to her two brothers? ;) I've only seen one picture of her, and my only thought was, 'man that's a cute little girl'- look how happy she is!

You're awesome, and are beginning to surprise me everyday with the change in your thinking and your ability to move forward with your life. You are an inspiration.

zubeldia said...

woo hoo, congrats, Tara!! So happy for you. Keep us updated about your plans. I think imagining a future for yourself is KEY to recovery. For me it was wanting a child...

I hear you on the Alyssa front. My little guy is quite the chunk, and even though I' exclusively breastfeeding on demand, I've wondered if I am setting him up for some ed.

I think, though, that this is very tricky. On the one hand you don't want Alyssa to develop an unhealthy attitude around food and dieting, but, as you've mentioned many times, she does seem to be developing, PERHAPS, binge eating, which is as painful and as serious as anorexia. Eating for comfort is very normal, but as we all know, eds take make many forms. I was deeply unhappy growing up, and my eds began at a very early age with bingeing. Since I was so active I didnt gain much weight, but the eating was out of control.

But it's hard, Tara. I don't know how I'd react. Alyssa is active and healthy... but I think that making some healthy choices available for EVERYONE - so that it doesnt become about ALyssa, per se, might be a way to make the entire family healthy. And, you never know, it might help with your ed as you try more explicitly to model good behaviours around eating and health.

Love, Z

Feisty Frida said...

wow, that is so great! I know you'll be fantastic!!!!
xoxo
FF

Telstaar said...

Hey chick!

So glad to hear about your ideas on schooling! Shoot for the stars hunni! You can do it!!

I'm still here, sorry I've been so absent. Love ya sweetie xoxo

firefly said...

Tara: I'm so glad you made this decision. Dr.s I would be upset with them too. I'm glad that A will see someone different. What is going on with you? It is unlike you to not blog. I'm worried.

firefly said...

Tara: Where are you?

Blu said...

I'm wondering where you are also...everything okay? busy researching school? Mad because I haven't posted anything in forever? Ok OK I will! Just come back..

lisalisa said...

Where have you been? I have been wondering about you and hope you are ok!

Blu said...

still thinking about you...maybe you could just pop in and say- 'i'm cool..check ya later...' ?... take good care of you.