Thursday, August 13, 2009

So i realized...

Its been three days since I blogged..i have been so busy in everyone elses lives..blogs..i have forgotten about me, whichin the grand scheme of things seems to be what I do...I mean really who a I..to need space... attention..love..I am no one...just some one who is living in this so called world...not much happening in my life...we are reading ALLOT..they(thekids) are really into it...alyssa is doing so well and Z man is not far behind her..we went to walmart today and bought three new books...loook here they are right now asking me to read..I should be EXCITED and reallyI am...i just want a moment a moment to be mine...oh well so my life is consumed by others who are not me..is that so bad? no not really...I mean S says it is...she says i need to cARVE OUT AN HOUR A DAY TO SPEND ON ME...and blogging doesnt count...she said I need a life...a life outside of my kids and definately outside my Ed....but i find that really hard...I mean Iam either my kids mother or the chic with the ED...take your pick...lately I have been my kids mother..BUT I havebee really wanting to be teh chic with the ED. It gave me an identity...I mean after all its been 14 plus years..and I have only been a mom for 6 plus so who wins out...apparently my kids cause I am sticking to the mom thing as much as it SUCKS being fat..>i am a better mother fat...everyone agrees and I am sure you all do to...but you have to kno where this is going ...i have to test it out..to see if me and Ed can hang and be a good mom...today was /is the test...I restricted...and geez it felt GOOD...but and although I was still a good mom today...(cause I felt a live and light and free) I know it wont last...it will end in tragedy...it always does..me and ED we no longer get along..I fall fast and quick...and really who needs that...certainly not my kids..certainly not...me???

I mean I feel I DESERVE TO FALL...after all I SUCK...I am fat and lazy and ugly and above all USELESS...but as S would say iam verbally abusive to myself ..so I cant listen to my emotional mind..cause that s like talking out my ass...I need to listen to my WISE mind and say FUCK IT ALL TO HELL...recovery no matter how fat it makes me is worth it..I mean the pros far out wiegh the cons....i mean really I would be foolish not to see it....so folks one day with ED makes me happy...life with ED makes me ummmm...sad...miserable..and USELESS...well that sounds familiar doesnt it...okay okay,..me and ED are breaking up tomorrow...just give a day to feel you know free and light and productive and well usefull...I know its a joke you dont have to convince me... just let me live in my small little world for one day..just one day PLEASE...


I wish I wasnt so screwed up but well you signed up for my craziness when you decieded to read..tough luck to you all who think i m stupid...or useless or whatever...it s me..Im here an dI am ready for a fight...against ED...not you..but really canI just do it tomorrow...Im too tired today..sigh....

alright I will sign of before I press DELETE!!!!

Love ME

6 comments:

firefly said...

Stop the insanity! You let ed pounce on you all day. The verbal abuse is the worse. umm you know you just can't pet the monster for one day. Once you let him out of it's cage you can't get him back in. It's like me thinking well I just won't let it get that bad again but maybe if??? I really can't go down that road and neither can you! What is going on with you and Mike?

Eating Alone said...

Yeah, you've been having a bad day. Just think how much better you feel when you don't let ED beat you up. It's also scary that you know about this "wise" mind thing and still do the emotional? mind. That was supposted to help me get to feeling a little better.

Try and carve out some time for yourself. Don't give up!

now.is.now said...

TAra! Have you not read anything in my blog in the last little bit?! (I know you have because you've been commenting). Don't you see what happens when you "hang out with ED" for one day? I am of the fall fast and fall hard variety too - and it is NO NO NO GOOD. Don't even start because once you start you have to go through the fall until you hit the ground and then commit (again) to climbing out of the hole!

You do need an identiy besides Your Kids' Mom and besides The Chic with ED - but, for now, stick with the Mom one and stay far away from the Ed one.

You are going to be a success story! And eating disorder success story! And that story will be written faster if you don't flirt with ED.

It's alwywas the dream... "I'll restrict AND be a good mom." I told J, "I'll restrict AND be evolved." She looked at me and said, "That's like the heroin addict who shoots up AND still has his job AND is still a father so, see, no problem!" FALSE. DEFINITELY A PROBLEM. AND EVERYONE CAN SEE IT.

And about the whole identity thing... I know you've been the Chic with an Ed. I have too. And I know the allure to that identity and it's so compelling but, think about it, it's not actually a cool identity to have. People do not want to be around you as much when you're consumed with the ED idenitty. It's COOL to not have an ED. Right? RIGHT!

So - stop the experiment now. I did a similar experiment the other day and J told me, "Go take a science class if you like experiments." LOL!!!!

I'm not yelling at you if it seems like that. I'm just trying to stop this before it gets out of control.

Make a Pros and Cons list of restricting and then use your wise mind to judge it. It is all cons! All!

ANd - ps - you are not fat. YOU ARE NOT A FAT MOTHER. I'VE SEEN A PICTURE MISSY!

Love, love, love!!!!!
Laura

ps: you stand by me always and I'm standing by you too. And I'm going to try to do my best to remind you why you should NOT even flirt with restriction. I KNOW OYU CAN DO THIS

I HAVE SO MUCH FAITH IN YOU IT'S UNREAL. I KNOW YOU WILL BE A SUCCESS STORY. AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO PROVE ALL DOUBTERS OUT THERE WRONG.

YOU WILL BE AN EATING DISORDER SUCCESS STORY - WHICH WILL MAKE YOU AN EVEN MORE AWESOME HUMAN IN THE END.

BE A SUCCESS STORY, TARA!!!!!

(HUGE HUG)

Telstaar said...

I don't know why, but for some reason this post amused me! WHAT THE?!?!?! CLEARLY you are in HUGE amounts of pain and I'm amused? I think something is wrong with me...

But I think this is why...

You wrote really early in the post that you are either a mother or the chick with the ed... but to me, you are Tara. Tara also happens to be a mother and have an ed and be compassionate and caring and inquisitive and maybe overdisciplined(?) but you're still Tara!

And so I think for me, the rest of the post... it was like you were speaking about someone else! But that person wasn't Tara, that person wasn't you! It was ALMOST like that was your idea of who you are but you're so lost in trying on the REAL Tara, that its easier (understandably so) to cling to the image of the chick with the ed, or the mother...

But you're TARA!!!!!! Getting the picture yet???

Please know that I'm not trying to be mean or hurtful in anyway, I really love you and it is sad to know that you are hurting so deeply, but you're not one thing... you're Tara and I love you.

xoxo

lisalisa said...

I know you have said befor that you need to do it for yourself, not the kids, but I did want to remind you of a quote you had on your blog awhile before, only because it has helped me so many times.

"I wish she loved me more than she hated herself"

Think about it when you feel the urge to skip a meal. i think it is very powerful. As for finding an identity, i can totally relate! Who are we with out our EDs? I'm still trying to figure it out. And more importantly, how do we get our needs met without our EDs? I think I will have to post something on this soon. DO you ever feel like if you get better, no one will notice you or care about you? That you will no longer be worthy of concern or help? I do. I have to remind myself that I (we)are important and deserving of love and concern just because we are, and not because we are sick. we will not be abandoned the moment we get well. Hell, I have even worried that if I get "too recovered" noone will read my blog anymore because it will not be interesting! What a bunch of lies ED tells us!

Z, you are important and wonderful and interesting because YOU are YOU! You can win this fight! Believe in your ability to grow and change! You can do it!

PTC said...

Not a good path to go down. It's never just "one day."