Thursday, December 16, 2010

I woke up hungry...

and my ED is haveing a field day, hunger, its what I long for that feeling of emptiness, for weeks now I have had no hunger so its been so easy to not eat, but when I m hungry ( starving actually) I feel this High when I am able to stay "strong" and not eat, It would be easier to eat if I wasnt feeling "powerful" from not eating, its so odd how mt eating disorder works, I feel Like I dont have a typical ED, which I am sure is insane, Im sure others ( many) feel the same way. Running always takes away my hunger so maybe it will be easier to eat after I run, how backward is that, running='s no hunger, shouldnt it be the other way around, one would think. Im so not normal, or so it seems. Does anyone else feel this way, am I alone in this or does someone else relate, right now I feel very alone. I keep thinking if I hadnt woken up sometime between 3:30 and 4 I would be hungry at 10:30am., besides if it was mon...wen...or fri I would have run by now, but I cant run til 11:30 (babysitter needed) so I will have to wait to 1 to eat, then I wont be hungry and it will be hard, but maybe easier then now, omg, I make NO sense, someone slap me!


Zena said...

Im a complete moron for even thinking that a day and a half of eating/drinking boost would help me feel more free...Im a fucking dumbass, still hungry...and still unable/refusing to eat, if I didnt have to pick up A and Z in 40 min from school I would medicate and drink it but I have to be awake and I is in the tub, and Z sees Dr.N today at 3:30 thankgod...oh if you are new readers A is alyssa, Z is zack, and I is Isaiah, my 3 spectacular children....damit, it feel like a lost cause, I can probablly eat soem thing around 6 but it wont even come close to replace what I burned running...grrrrr.I hate me!

Sia Jane said...

You can change this.
You do have that choice.
And maybe I am not the one to judge...but you have a family, people who love and need you.
You have a purpose, a reason, a motivation to get better.
This will just get worse and worse, because over the weeks it has deteriorated and rapidly.
You need to take control of this before it absolutely destroys you and those around you who love you.

Lisa said...

I'm fighting this bitch of a monster as well. For long as I don't start eating for the day- I'm okay but once I take that first bite....

I also am not hungry after I run...but I haven't had the energy to run lately.. >.< AND it's freezing here.


flaweddesign said...

i am SO similar in that when i'm hungry i feel more powerful not eating and when i'm not hungry i feel more powerful eating. it's backwards. i think for me it's just proving to myself that i can go against nature. i don't HAVE to do anything. i don't have to give in. i am stronger than it. i also revel in my hunger...except today.

Zena said...

Im making dinner right now, Im edgy, and short, I know I need to eat, its optional, Im fearful of eating, and loseing the hunger and also, Im always afraid if I eat I will keep on beans and brown rice along with some clonipin, studying for zacks test, doing A's homework with her and baths, should prove a good distraction, This will not over take me, i will not allow it ( I talk a good talk, but now need to act...) feels like a lost cause the amount of food is so little compared to what I really need but its the step I need to take, yes, I rapidly decline, I have had this nasty disease for 16 years, my body doesnt hold up well to starvation anymore, I have had injury after injury the last 3 months since I started running again, yet I continue to run, I hope my rice is ready soon, I will lose all courage, I will do this, I have to...deep breath, swallow pill, and just eat it already!!!

love to all of you who take the time to read, and through all my craziness still respond and comment, it really means so much

Love love, Tara