Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Scared

that its become so easy to just not eat, to ignore hunger ball day til it becomes nil, til the emptiness becomes safe and comforting and til eating the next day seems pointless, futile a waste of time, half a meal and a couple drinks has become the norm, I fudge my food journal, unless I have done well, I dont want my tx team to think Im not trying, because I do, the extra calories come from night eating, which happens usually after numerous days of not eating...and the cycle continues...where will I be in a month or 2, I know this the route to the hospital,medical or phyc, either way I dont want , my kids cant handle it, I can not and will not do that to them, why is it so hard to ignore my feelings and do what is right, am I in complete denial of how ill I am...S says so.I dont want people around and when I am I make sure Im not sober, I ignore phone calls and textsI dont even answer my door if someone knocks...my world is my kids, the gym, the grocery store and target and the many appointments I/we attend each week...Im afraid of what I am becomeing, but I cant reach out to family and friends, they will think I have failed...hell, I think I have, I need something, bigger then me, God can you hear me?? Im so afraid.

6 comments:

lisalisa said...

Hold on Z.... I slacked off on praying for you but will definitaly start again TONIGHT! God is there, he loves you, your family loves you, we love you! Yes, the anxiety and depression is awful, just do what you casn to make it through this, even if it's awful, even if it sucks. Eat, even if you aren't hungry, even if you feel sick to your stomach. I know, easier said than done, but numbing yourself through starvation won't help in the long run, the pain will just surface later....

So glad you got your computer back! Keep writing...we are here...

XOLisa

Telstaar said...

He hears your pleas dear one, but you gotta reach out and I think that means doing the hard work. No more cheating on the meal plan, you gotta eat it. Please hunni, you need to, i cannot imagine your body can manage much more and your children need you.
I am praying hunni xoxo

In the Pink said...

(HUG)*KISS*(HUG)
please be kind to your body even if it means just drinking a glass of soy milk.
Tough Love
Eat something, stop starving yourself, and call your doctor.
You can do it.

Angela said...

I'm in exactly the same spot right now. I'm afraid, but I don't know what to do to get out of this rut. Isolating is not good, but it feels so hard to reach out. I've been in this place too many times, and I worry about what everyone will think. Two winters in a row I've been in the hospital, and I want this year to be different. I can't do this to my family yet again. The only advice I can offer is to keep thinking about your kids and your family. Sometimes when you can't do it for you, you can do it for those you love. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

You need to eat. Remember that picture you posted for me - LIVE? You need to eat to live, and be there for your children. I know you are in a lot of pain, but there is no other way to get better. (I'm trying to remember this for myself, as I am restricting a lot right now too.)

God will hear your prayers, He does hear your prayers, and I will continue to pray for you.

*Hugs*
Angela

Eating Alone said...

Praying for you and yours. Please be honest, you don't do your kids any good by lying to your tx team.