Thursday, December 9, 2010

I may be loseing my mind

I spent all morning cleaning, doing laundry, playing with little man, reading with him, doing crafts, I thought, hoped, prayed that that today was going to be a better day, my sister showed up at 11:30 to watch little man so I could run errands, and go to the gym, and take Zack to the pdoc, I walked into the office and of just took over me, that exhaustion where you just need blankets and somewhere to lay down, I took him in, told about our week went back to the waiting room and curled up into myself for the rest of the session ( Its also where my pdoc is so they know me and know my issues, so no word was said as I sat freezing with my head in my lap) my pdoc came out and rubbed her hand through my hair, "do you want to come in for a few minutes??" "no" I shook my head "Im fine"....Im so not, existing in this choas of my head is making me really feel as if I am losing my mind, Im fuzzy and jumbled, a million thoughts and none at all, I ate a yogurt and am now freaking out about it, making me want to curl into that ball all the more, I should have waited, but I was dizzy, so really that meant I needed to eat, I have to make the kids dinner soon, dinner I wont eat, maybe the baked potatoe, maybe, I wish I wish I didnt have such mixed emotions all the time....panic or manic, depressed, exhausted, afraid, paralyzed, jumping like a bunny...I NEED TO BE STABLE, damit, please GOD help me be stable....sigh..I need to go help them with thier homework and make dinner, and baths, and my energy has been zapped, plus I have these like what feeling like these needles shooting up my legs, not all time but its bothersome..

ps, to all my beautiful readers who have been leaving me such caring comments, I feel so blessed, I really truely do, it lifts my sprits, and truely I love you all.

Love, Tara

6 comments:

Eating Alone said...

You should eat with the kids. Think how much better you would feel, physically, if you ate. I know the mental would be screwy but maybe we have to heal the body first.

Keep warm up there. It's going back into the high 50's low 60's hear next week (Brrr) but we are getting into the hight 70 this weekend so that will be ok, a little cold but livable.

belinda said...

ok, hmmm...
so i think the thing about fear is that we do everything in our conceivable power to avoid it (hence the following ocd, restrictions etc). what if we let ourselves FEEL and experience the fear?.....

i'm thinking about it too ;)

the fear can't harm us but our behaviours can. i understand the feelings and fears with being perceived as a failure but i think that is more a projection of how we feel about ourselves. i have never seen nor thought of you as a failure, more likely to be a fighter, a survivor and a strong woman. you know i struggle with the failure concept too, would you see me as a failure? ;) (i know the answer!)

re the e/d.
fuck shit.
it's horrid.
you know it only leads to one sad and lonely place. is that what you want people to "see"? you want them to see and be shocked at your sadness, your loneliness? i think anyone in your world, while they are not going to experience the grief and the struggles as you do (simply because they are not you).. they do know that this is hard. you don't need to starve yourself to show them that babe.

i challenge to you to look at what you think you have really failed? i mean REALLY... because i've known you for quite a few years honey, and i'm not coming up with a thing.

get on chat soon (skype!)
miss you
Xx

Zena said...

B, I think I need a new skype thingy, its not on my computer anymore, not that I can find. I need you, I really am sinking fast. and my mother has noticed now , which means more pressure to not sink even further then I already am, I am afraid, she wants to help me, my anxiety and depression, is so bad, I just do the same thing, routine then crawl into myself, at this rate, I give myself 2 months then I will be forced into the H, and that is NOT where I want to go, EVER again.

David, I try and fail, and damit, its bitter here, so so cold, I want 70's, shit I take 40's or 50's...

Love you both

Tara

firefly said...

"When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go, only 1 of 2 things will happen, either He'll catch you when you fall, or He'll teach you how to fly..."
Girl, Start fighting you can do this!

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

You can do this. Remember - LIVE. Do this for yourself first. You deserve to get better. Don't let this win. Don't allow your eating disorder take away everything. Remember this is your story, and you can write it so you win and have a beautiful life. But you have to make the first move. You have to eat.

(I would have posted sooner, but my computer has been in the shot until today.)

*Hugs*

Zena said...

Sarah, That was beautiful!!

Angela, I try to remember those words, unfortunately, livng is the last thing I want to do, Im trusting god to see me through this season, just wish he would hurry up already