untitled

Im not sure I can do this anymore. Its all to much. To much pressure. Im not used to being responsible financialy, to be going to school so that I can get a real job, I couldnt get out of bed, not til after 12, sure I got up to get the kids breakfast but it was hell then I layed back down, I called my pdoc at 11:30 last night feeling very manic, she told me to take extra risperdol, and hence I was snowed this morning I was also up til 2:30 in the morning, I have laundry to do, and drug cards, and a final on thursday and clinical tomorrow and tuesday, and I dont know when I will get to wrap presents, and I wish I could go run, I feel weak and I keep having dizzy spells, I havent purged since tuesday, K scared me, and it takes me white knuckeling most days, I bought a yoga video, havent done it yet, but I will try to, Im very depressed, with boughts of brief mania thrown in for fun, I hate that I have such disordered food issues, I hate food and its power over me, I hate that I have dug my own hole again, I hate that I am 500 pounds at least it feels that way, I hate that my kids do nothing but fight and zack blames everything on me, he rages at me all the time and most days I just want to run away, I hate that he killed himself, I hate that I am single parent and really hate that I hate my life, because its no way to live, Im not sure how I will make it through the week, Im actually not sure how I will make it through the day, im just so completely overwhelmed and just well sad, and the hard part is I cant curl into a ball, I actually have things that need to get done, and somehow I have to muster the strength to actually them., sorry so pathetic but I needed to write and be honost with myself causes im dying inside

Tomorrow never comes

every night before I go to bed I tell myself I will start tomorrow. Tomorrow I will follow my mp. Tomorrow I wont purge. Tomorrow I wont run to much. Tomorrow I wont Binge and then vomit...its always tomorrow, today was pretty bad Ed wise and I didnt realize how bad it was til I nearly passed out in the bathroom at the restaurant we took my kids so that they could get ice cream after thier christmas musical (which was awesome by the way, Isaiah was in it for the first time and he was just sooooo cute)., I had coffee this morning, school all day, ran 8 miles, target shopped, took some laxitives, showered and went to thier play for 7, around 9 my face felt hot, I had floaters in my eyes and felt unsteady, I literaly felt my face go from hot to drain into a cold, clamy state. Im exhausted. I will be up all night because the laxitives will kick in around 2 in the morning, so TOMORROW I will feel even worse, I hate the tomorrows, the what will be's. Will I be ED good or normal people good, can I recover for good, or will the next 18 years of tomorrows be like the last 18, will I even make it that long...Im filled with such hatered for myself, The only reason I took the laxitives was to cause myself physical pain, I promised K I wouldnt purge until I see her Wed, she laid into me and gave me a really graphic description of what could happen to my kids if they were to find me passed out in a pile of vomit, I never think it will be me, but it could be, it could be me, so I found a new way to hurt myself.  Im trying to make a life for the kids, but killing myself in the process, my girl Bella suggested "that I might be afraid if things go right" and she might be right, cause really my life has been a train wreck for the last 15 years, abusive relationships, drug and alcohol abuse, ED, abusive marraige, husbands suicide, its always been something, and now Im taking some control over the direction, but Im also sabatoging it, I dont know whats going to happen, I really dont, but I do know that Tomorrow is going to come whether I like it or not, and its up to me what Im going to do about it.

shame

doing something that you are completely ashamed of....and having an eating disorder dont mix because the two "feed" off each other, I found out today that I did something (which I dont care to mention) incrediably horriable while being extremely drunk the other night and ED has loved every minute of it, I have yet to eat today, and seeing thats its nearly 9 I most likely wont, well I had milk in my coffee...I started clinical rotation today then ran for an hour and as soon as I stopped running like the second I stopped I was flooded with the shame all over again...im humilated, I want to hide, but I cant, I have to face these people ( who by the way think what happened is rather comical, I however do NOT) so being somewhere unfamilar mixed with shame and a little guilt thrown in for fun, my ED is having a field day and it has just right now dawned on me that the 4 day holiday I get this week comes along with thanksgiving, you know the big holiday that revolves completely around FOOD!!! for hells sake I cant catch a break, I would really like to go to bed wed and not wake up til mon. but that wont happen, thankgod I see S tomorrow, she will be thrilled with my behavior after nearly 2 weeks of doing well, im such a fuck up.

I can post again...

I think I can say that at least for right this minute I am going to be okay. I have followed my mp since wed. It was really tough to hear what my team had to say, S was very worried and upset, where she couldnt really keep it hidden ( I have been seeing her for 10 yrs) she said she thought by christmas I would be in the hospital (medical) and she was afraid that since I refuse to make an apt with the Ed doc that I might not get the help in time, considering what happened 3.5 yrs ago with my heart and it pretty much failing to the point that I was admitted for 12 days at the age of 28 on the cardiac floor, well that says allot, then after seeing K on wed. she was getting kinda snippy and I point blank asked if she was mad at me and since i have been seeing her for 5 yrs she was like "No, I am just so fustrated that I cant help you, nothing I say or do helps, you dont text me when I ask you to, you dont call, you dont bring in the food to eat with me and S, its like you just want this to happen." and the thing is I dont, I feel completely overtaken by my ocd, stuck, frozen. But my kids and school and OUR FUTURES depend solely on me, and I will not let them suffer because thier mother cant get a hold of her own mental illness, I have a good hold on the bipolar, the meds are finally working anxiety is supper high but Im not manic or depressed, but that will only last so long without eating, the meds need protien to work, anyway, I feel a bit more confident, im still very ritualistic, and everything must be just so, but I am eating, my dinner is actually cooking right now, I was meant to have some Wang bowl from chipolties but I walked in and couldnt I didnt know how anything was made so I am making the pretty much same thing here, rice, black beans, chicken, salsa all on a salad, kinda nervous as its a ton of food, but she says I need it, I already talked with her today and if I run the 6 miles I need to eat for it, so I m gonna.

okay lovers, wish me luck and that I stay this strong

Love, Tara

Maslow's theory and the idiot girl who knows nothing.

Friday Nov. 4th was a pretty horriable day.  Last class of the day and we were discussing Maslow's theory. The pyrimid of the hierarchy of human needs, the bottom tier being basic needs such as oxygen, food, water ect. The top tier being self actualization. Pretty much feeling complete in life, socially, finacially, emotionaly...you feel like you will continue to evolve, but are content in your life, you have high self esteem, you are not worried about things like what people will think of your oppinions, you are comfortable. YOU ARE HAPPY WITH LIFE.

Well this twit of a girl ( who happens to know about mike and his suicide) took it apon herself to state that she read a "study" that people who have reached the self actualization stage feel that they have completed everything there is in life so they KILL THEMSELVES.  Which if she even had bothered to read the lecture she would have seen that in that stage we still CONTINUE to evolve.  Well as you can imagine I became very upset and tried to state my case that suicide is something that occurs when someone who has a mental illness reaches thier breaking point, you never hear of someone killing themselves because they are just so dam happy right? Yes, this girl was a fuck wit and I was highly upset by her "theory" but even more upset that she refused to listen to any other statements regaurding her not only ignorant but highly WRONG statements. I all of the sudden burst into tears, and ran from the room.  I couldnt stop crying.  I was unbelieveably triggered and nearly had a panic attack in the bathroom, I cried for a full on 30 mins at school, thankfully I had some wonderful classmates who helped me through a very difficult time.  Unfortunately I have been having flashbacks and panic attacks all weekend, I can not stop the thoughts, Im not sure why this triggered such a reaction, I have talked about Mikes suicide at lenth and am able to talk about it and able to educate others on mental illness but this, this statement took away everything that I believe to be true, people suicide because they seen life has nothing to offer, that thier pain will never end and they can not see a way out, NOT because the were so freaking happy.

I think maybe part of it was that she was giving such misinformation, so skewed from the truth I couldnt handle hearing one more word and add that to the fact that she KNEW my story and how sick Mike was and still proceded to carry on with this nonsense, with no regaurd for my feelings and no problem argueing with me just to make herself seem more knowledgable. It was a combination of rage and grief swirled into one horriable moment,  and I felt completely out of control.  I hate that this girl had so much power over me and that her false statements impacted me so much but they did and they still are.

I shook while driving to school this morning with the thought of having to face this girl who knew how much she was hurting me and continued to do so, I want my head to stop spinning, I want the rumination to stop, I have been trying to ground myself all weekend but havent done so well, my one and only consoulation is that she is now hated by the entire class as now EVERYONE knows about mike, but also what a complete ass she is.

so thats the story of Maslow and the idiot girl

The End

Thankyou but I will be taking a break.

until I am doing better, I will be taking a break, Im embarassed to say how Disordered I have become, I dont want to trigger anyone, and really Im just quite ashamed, I will be back however when I am able to pull myself out of this.

Love and best wishes to all, I will continue to fight!!

Love, Tara

It takes a toll

nearly 17 years of disordered eating totally makes your body weak and unable to "bounce back" quickly, it also has the same effect mentally, my compulsions old and new have been consuming me, compulsively drinking numerous quarts of water a day to be "clean", certain numbers for certain meals (cal) miles run, mashing the 4 food choices I have into mush so it doesnt even resemble food (S pointed that out to me last night when she asked what and how I was eating my food)...I spent half of second class thinking about what I will weigh December 22, why that date I dont know but thats where my mind for a good hour today. Physically Im just a bit tired but my mind is exhausted, I know this is all anxiety related, its got to be, my grades are still good I am averaged a 95 in all three of my courses, but I am slacking, its not showing yet but it will, im just tired, I will be studying a solid 3 hr block tomorrow evening for a large exam on friday, I have barely even looked at  the material.  K wants to weigh me but  I refused, usually I get upset but eventually comply, but not today or last week, i wouldnt do it, I see no need, I know I dont eat even to enough but Im to afraid to deviate from what feel sorta okay, and yes I have lost quite a bit of weight Im still not underweight so I see no point, tells you have fucking fat I got :( anyway I just feel really lost emotionally not sure how Im going to muster the courage to fight harder, Its like Im so afraid of doing poorly in school I become paralized  and focus on numbers all numbers, Im probably not making any sense but can any students or former students tell me how they managed to preform well in school and not let it drive their perfectionistic obsession with numbers over take your mind, because numbers are constantly bombarding me, and not just the drip rate factors and medication doses and grades but all the other ones too im sure you know what I mean.

much love, Tara

The stress of school and maintaining a "good enough" average is wearing on me, I make mostly high 90's but when that 86 or 84 comes around I beat myself into the ground.  I feel like a circus clown, juggling the kids, housework, classes, studying, bills, the sale of my house, running, Recovery and if I drop a ball(one of those things) everything will crumble, well I did, I dropped a very important ball, I have let my  Recovery become the last thing I bother with, I stopped following my MP cause I was to "busy" to plan, and because I became manic, then crashed...I became and am obsessed with numbers, all numbers not just calories, grades, my pulse, my blood pressure, time, where there is a number I am obsessed, strange compulsions have come about like drinking excessive amounts of water ( very knew to mean I used to restrict fluids as well) I was always dehydrated, now I am over hydrated, hypotonic to be exact.  my K level dropped ( I didnt go to DR, just had excruciating leg cramps, so I forced myself to drink Gatorade, like the real stuff not the G2, and dt pepsi, cause well there is sodium in that....anyway...I have tried unsuccessful this week to stop with the negative thoughts, intrusive thoughts, compulsion's and the like, I will only drink 64 oz of O2 today, and a gatorade, and I will eat 3xs, something, even if they are spaced really far apart and I will not purge, I seem to manage 2 small meals but somehow the third raises my anxiety to new level...I will practice the three Ds Delay.. Decieding ... Distract....Delay by decieding what I need and distracting by doing what it is my body or mind really need, it may just be something as simple as resting as I dont do that much anymore.on a positive note cause this post sure needs one the kids and I went shopping and the house is now all Decorated for halloween, it look soooo cute and Im so glad we did it, its normalcy, they arent used to me being around so little and its something we always did, and it made them happy and I dont think the candy hurt either..."just one more piece ma??" I heard that line all night...it was okay though, any who, off to start my day, pray it goes well and I shall pray for your.

oh ps I havent had a drink in lets see...since Aug 27th and I feel pretty dam good about it !!


Love, Tara

Its bad

I am not ready to talk about it yet...I will but not yet, I just needed to put it out there that I will  cause if i dont fix this, I WILL FUCK EVERYTHING UP!!!!!

crap

Im okay dont worry I have just got tangled in this web and need to untangle myself and when I do I will not be humiliated ... because right now I am hanging my head, not quite sure what to do

super crap

Bad day

I must tell myself it is just one day, that one bad day does not mean it will spiral into many strung together...I saw S today, but I dont feel much better which is odd, I cried, I think she wants to support me in this school thing but doesnt want me to feel like I "have" to do this, that I could always change studies, or go part time instead of the 32.5 hrs a week I go, plus studying plus being an only parent, but thing is if I DONT do this I will feel like an epic failure and most likely will nose dive...all this crying and self doubt, being so critical of myself, feeling like a complete retard, all of it stemmed from getting an 84 on an exam, its a far cry from the high 90's and 100's I had been getting, I have 2 big tests tomorrow and my confidence has been jarred...Im scared, weepy and feel at a loss...and ed is having a field day  and that I am sure is playing a role, as I did study tonight but really wished I could have gone to the gym...sigh...I promised S I would eat dinner, so I am off to do that now...before I just say screw it.

Tara

Stability?? and some other musings

Since removing the Lexapro on saturday my mood since monday has been well relatively stable...I feel okay, I think, I feel like I am waiting for the bottom to fall out...I have been very between the kids and school, keeping the house up, the gym, homework, appointments for ALL of us.....just general life. I didnt have school today and my day went like this up at 6 (thats sleeping in) get kids ready, make them breakfast, calm zack down from a panic attack, gym, shower, 4 yes 4 loads of laundry washed dried and put away, cleaned my car, grocery shopped, put everything away, cleaned the floors, studied, picked up kids, back to target to pick up scripts and do a little shopping (rain boots for the kids and a sweatshirt for me) make the kids dinner, help them with thier homework, give baths, make their lunches, watch tv with kids for half hour.....an hour ago I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open, but I must have gotten a second wind, blahhhh, I need to get up at 4 to study as I have several tests tomorrow and got to wrapped up in daily living things to study enough today....

Mike has been weighing heavily on me, I am grappling with the "how could he possiably be dead?" question, it seems unreal, some days it feel like a life time ago he was here, and some days it feel like hours, it all still haunts me and the more I am going through school and knowing I will actually have a career the more it piles on  me that he is not here,and would I have actually done this if he were still here...would I have had the motivation?? I mean it was something I always wanted to do but never did...why did I wait???  I bet hes angry with me, for just having been such a lazy bitch while he was alive, only caring about my disease, and the kids, I wasnt nice enough to him, I sure as hell didnt save him, I was a lousy wife, he wasnt a great husband but  maybe if I had been better he would have tried harder to quit drinking...and I still come back to almost three and a half yrs ago I just about died, so how in this world am I the one who is still here, my heart nearly quit, I was laid in a bed with a tube shoved down my nose cause even with my heart rate at 22 and my QTC line so prolonged that I could have went into cardiac arrest at any minute I still refused food....and yet I am the one still here, doing fairly well considering it all...It all just drags at me, I still cry allot, well some weeks allot and some not at all....is this the healing process...I dont know some days it just feels like hell and some days I actually think I will make it...ofcourse, I have great guilt in actually thinking that I WILL make it....I suppose though I need to get over it because at shit as it makes me feel I am the only one left to raise our babies and that needs to be done, so I guess Im here at least another 14 yrs, most likely longer as it would still be traumatic for an 18 yr old boy to lose his mom....

dont know, Im not suicidal, I just think about death allot...and the fact that it WILL all end at some point, it could be tomorrow, but it could also be 50 or 60 years from now, I suppose I should gear up for the latter no matter how daunting that seems...I just noticed something...Im actually thinking and preparing for the future....I havent thought about anything but making it through the day...minutes....until just recently....maybe there is hope for me yet???

just maybe...

Love, Tara

its official

I have been dx Bipolar type 1 and I am devastated...I saw pdoc tonight and she wasnt shocked at my feeling about the dx, shes relieved and hopes that with removing the anti depressent and keeping the two mood stabilizers and anti anxiety on board I will stabilize....I have this heightened awareness, and a curiosity for so many things...we were talking and i was reading this HUGE book she has on herbal medication (there are thousands and thousands) she let me take it home and said i could read it til my heart was content and bring it back when i felt I had read or learned enough from it, I took it and im excited to start looking through it maybe i can find some herbal medicines that could replace the pharmacological ones i am on...not likely but i could research....hopefully i will have some time this weekend....I made a diagram of a cell tonight...out of cake, its red velvet cake and blue frosting and numerous molded candies to represent the different parts, it was extra credit so I did it...it didnt have to be cake, it could have been playdoh i just have a draw to food products :)
anyway, I have been up since 4:30 am and really should get some rest...and try not to think that I have been labeled with a disease that makes others think you are insane....sigh...im really very upset about this.

love, Tara

Bipolar

every time Pdoc says it I cringe, I hate it, and after not drinking for quite somte time the episodes have gotten pretty bad...when I used to get manic I would drink so I could sleep and it would depress me so for a long time I was able to skate under the radar with a Bipolar 2 dx.  I prefer that much more, but my pdoc could never understand that when in hospital they would up my lexapro and I would get manic so much so they(hospital)they would constantly be giving things to do, art work  and their paper work and taking me on walks and more art and I would get home and resume to my drinking and the mania would disipate but I have drank only a handful of times since march and the episodes have become obvious, to the point that when I crash its horriable and I am ashamed at the things I have said, although being able to work for hours on end is pretty nice...to bad you always crash....anyway I dont know, Im pretty upset about this dx I know I shouldnt be but I am, my ED is popping up and eating has become difficult, more because when I am up I have no hunger and when I crash Im so low I dont want to eat, I have saw K last night and am going really hard to follow the mp, its just hard when your hunger cues dont seem to be there...anyway, I did get my paper done last night I was very energentic, took my pills around midnight, woke up a few times and today am just feeling blahhh, although I did clean my house from top to bottom, the bleach still smells on my hands, guess i should have worn gloves...okay guess I should shower now.

love you all

Tara

Encouragement

This whole playing with my meds is just sucking the life right out of me, I I feel like a walking zombie, Im sooooooooooo Tired, Im going to go get some no doze because my eyes are burning and I need to stay up in class, I got a 98 on my micro final but was pissed it wasnt a hundered, last night S said to me "its a marathon Tara, not a sprint" I need to remember that and perfection really isnt the goal, its to graduate, a patient isnt going to ask did you get a 98 or an 85, as long as I do my job right, anyway, Im completely exhausted and really really depressed, S thought that I would be in the fetal position by today, but Im pushing through it took every oz of strength I had NOT to leave class early, but that would have been giving in, and I wont.  Its not a sprint its a marathon...I just need to remember that and pray this depression passes...BIPOLAR SUCKS! But I am strong and will manage, I just need some encouragement cause right now Im feeling really shitty.

Love Tara

Where there is mania...

There is always a horriable crash...

I have crashed

I feel absolutely horriable, I left lecture 2 xs today to cry, I called my pdoc on lunch, you knew this would happen, and added MORE risperdol ( I HATE RISPERDOL) but it works, In  my tears I said maybe I should just taking them (my meds) so I could be manic again , because that sure beats this, she assured me you always eventually crash and that it would just be even worse, she asked me if I needed the hospital, I adamently said, appartently her and S spoke and because I was soooo manic last week they anticipated this crash, she asked if I was suicidal, ofcourse I said no, but honostly at the time I was, I had my mom come stay with me this afternoon, I just didnt feel safe...I cried mysrlf last night, deep long sobs...somehow I managed a 98% on my micro final, which is good cause if i wrecked my average it would have sent me off the deep end, ofcourse I wanted a 100 but thats just my perfectionism...pray this med works and that things go well with S tomorrow, I really just feel so low, I cant even manage a fake smile, and with all these mood swings, my eating has been nil, I need to fix this all school is to important to me, I despertly want to do well, I need to, I started reading "intuitive Eating" I have had it forever but never read it....im  not sure how to really apply it as my hunger and fullness cues are just messed up, and I have no real foods I crave, even when I would B/P it would just be whatever was on hand, i never bought binge food, it never tasted good, it was more about the purge, anyway Im depressed and just want to feel better...please dear god just let me stabilize.

Cant comment...GRRRR

Im sorry guys I have been trying for days to comment on peoples blogs but it just wont let me, it keeps saying my account is not authorized to comment..I cant imagine why, its getting super fustrating, because I see so many people struggeling and I want to reach out , I write realitivly long comments and then they wont publish, Im supper fustrated, if anyone knows how to remedy this please let me know because I am getting so annoyed, know its not that I dt care but rather blogger being a twit!


Love Tara

Crazy couple of weeks...

So this is the end of week three for school, its going well I have so far had 5 tests, ending two courses, these are intensive courses, as we complete the LPN program in 10 months, 6.5 hrs school per day and about 2 hr study time every day, among all my other responsibilities, My appointments, the kids, laundry cleaning kids homework, cooking etc...I wake up at 4:30 every morning and most days dont return home til 6 or 7, several nights it been 9, alyssa has started hip hop and ballet which doesnt end til 8:30 on tuesdays, so we get home late that day because we all also have therapy that day, with it all though I have recieved a 94 in my nursing theory course and 95 in my A and P course and a 88 in micro, but the last one could change as we have a massive NYS state today which if not passed by the second time kicks you out of the course....

Anyway until this week I was getting pretty much nil sleep like maybe 2 hours a night, that combined with massive loads of studying, kids, responsibilities, gym  etc, I turned massively manic, to the point where my Pdoc was like if we dont get this under control we are going to have a problem, so my meds were changed, and within a couple days I leveled out I am now getting about 5.5 hrs to 6 hrs a night i ma still struggeling to take my pm meds as I have some wierd, not so much fear but feeling that "Im going to miss something"...very odd but I am trying....with the mania came some definate food struggels , the need to eat felt nil, hunger wasnt really there, so I am struggeling to get that back on track...working on it.

Mikes Birthday was tuesday that was a very stressful day but, an offer came in on my house that day and we did some negotiaing and we setteled so in 4 days my house will be sold pending no issues are found with the house ...yeah!!! didnt get what I wanted but I so needed to get from under it!

and lastly I am moving into my new place tomorrow so I need to do a bunch of packing tonight and moving stuff around,I am slightly still manic...maybe you can...okay I gotta go get to school.

will write soon


love you all

Love, Tara

No sleep

that about sums it it up, I am averaging about 3 hrs of broken sleep a night, fall sleep about 11...11:30 and wake an hour later ...wake for an hour sleep for an hour ...wake ...sleep, this morning I was so sick of it I just got up at 4 and studied til 6...while I have never had very good sleep hygiene I am trying and its just getting worse, clearly my meds arent working and I know if this continues I will crash and burn, the lack of sleep make me hypomanic, evening are the worst because although my body is tired I feel like I must keep moving, I started exercising about a week ago and you would think that would help but nope, I study and my ocd doesnt allow me stop except for at certain points, thank god I see pdoc tomorrow, I can not afford to burn out this early, I cant even look foward to the wekend because no matter what I cant sleep, and it doesnt help matters that my kids seem to wake up durning the night so if per chance I am sleeping they wake me up...IM SOOOO FUSTRATED!!!!!

Does anyone have any ideas to aide in sleep, Im going to buy melatonin today, I hope its okay to take with my reg meds, oh and intrusive thoughts of M are back, this is all proving to me most difficult.

Love Tara

Suicide Prevention week

It started yesterday but better late then never, September 4th through the 10th.

As you know this hits very close to home as haveing had M actually succede in his suicide and me haveing on horriable drunken occations overdosed the most recent haveing been in march.

Please Take a moment to reach out to those you love and even those who just seem lost, you never know if your kind word or gentle smile will give someone just a bit of hope.

Feeling suicidal is probablly one of the worst feelings in the world, its not so much about wanting to die but wanting to end your suffering, it is not a sign of weakness, just of a very hurting soul. Everyones tolerance for how much suffering they can endure is different and haveing other mental illness plays a huge role in being suicidal and actually attempting and succedeing at suicide...Please if you are feeling suicidal, desperate and alone reach out, I implore you...Your pain seems so much more then you can bare, BUT it can get better with talking and treatment, and possiably medication, please before you take that final and permanent action...

If you live in the U.S. you can call 1-800-273-8255 thats 1-800-273-HELP
                                   or
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

If you live in Australia the help line is LifelineAUSTRALIA 13 11 14
                             or
www.helplines.org.au/


Please reach out..YOU ARE VALUABLE...and  WORTH THE FIGHT!!

Love, Tara

burning eyes...

I didnt go to bed til after midnight and i was up at 5 am yesterday, Alyssa was scared and felt the need to wake me up at 4:30 am. Im going to be exhausted later, school starts at 8 i need to be there by 7:45...to fingerprint scan in, how wierd is that they take attendance by scanning your thumb, guess i really have been out of school a long time :). Its an excellerated LPN program so over the next 10 months I will be taking 14 courses re:32.5 hours of classes per week, I am purchasing my books today and it has been suggested by my A and P teacher to read the first 10 chapters by wendsday...really 10 chapters?? im going to have quite the work load, they said its not possiable to do well without doing at least 2 hours of studying per night.
im a little overwhelmed the kids start school on thursday which means they too will have homework and reading and dinner and baths, then my studies. my mom plans on helping I just hope it all works out, its going to be an intense 10 months, but I know it will be worth it, clinical starts Nov.21, our first rotation is in a nursing home there are 4, but my second rotation is in 2 of the 3 major hospitals here in the good old capitol of NY, Im soooo excited, I cant wait to work at Albany med center, you get to do your rotations on 2 out 5 units, Obstectrics, med surge (like I could be in a OR...surgery really??) Pediatrics, Trauma or ED (emergency Department), I would LOVE to help a women give birth, pediactrics seems like it would be hard, it would be really heart wrentching to see children suffering, but ED, that would be exciting I think, there are children there too ofcourse, but still it would be cool.
After I graduate, sit for my boards and get a job I plan on eventually continueing my Education, I know this is going to be hard but Im actually pretty excited about learning and being around other adults.
I have been a little manic lately due to the lack of sleep so I will need to keep an eye on that, Lunch was difficult yesterday soooo many people, I went to my car and drove to rite aide and found a marathon bar and dt mountain dew and ate in my car...not sure what i will do today, thats going to be a challange i will have to overcome, there is a Mr.sub next door, where i could get a 6 in turkey and veg sub, im sure i eventually will its just going to take some time. I have started walking again, i need to watch that too to make sure i dont get obsessive, but its also important to get in some exercise for my health and sanity:).
I had to fill out an emergency contact and medication list...that was embarrassing, the meds I take are pretty classic for bipolar, so its going to be obvious, need to make sure my mood stays stable, I dont to give them any reason to think Im not capable.
we have two courses Im really excited about mental health (lol) I will ace that:)and nutrition and wellness ( I could probablly teach the class on nutrition)...

hmmmm what else??

I think thats about it for now, my eyes are still burning so I think its time for one more cup of coffee...oh yeah last night I re read all my blog posts from 2010 to march of this year...I have come soooo far, I cant believe 6 months ago I overdosed, thats the furtherest thing from my mind now, im actually excited...lets see how I feel while Im reading those 10 chapters :)

Love to all,
Tara

first day of school

Its been 11 yrs since I have had a first day of school, 11 yrs...at the moment I am seemingly calm. I am hoping that I sleep tonight and dont wake up at 3 in anticipation of the day, I always wake up numerous times a night but usually I take an extra sleep med and am able to fall back to sleep but I wont do that if I wake tonight out of fear I wont wake up on time. I dont have to be there til 8 but I am waking at 6, and leaving at 7:15, its only 15 min away but I want to stop at Starbucks get my grande non fat latte and be early, I have this horrendous fear of being late.

So anyway, on my last post...I want to explain where all the ED thoughts came from and why they are unfortunately still here...my childrens T Dr.B has been doing allot of research on how to help children with mood disorders who have not had much success with medication...Zack has been officially dx with "mood disorder w/bipolar traits" he has been on numerous medications, many he was allergic too, a few that there were no benefits from, and one that worked but caused him to gain 20 pounds in 4 months so he had to come off it, that was at the end of april...so here we are of another new med with seemingly no benefits :( so she suggested a "mood" diet minimal sugar, no processes foods, no artificial sweeteners, hormone free, organic produce, no red or yellow dye, no fast food...just allot of NO'S, and that is just the tip of the iceberg she hasnt even got into ratio's yet, needless to say I have been hyper sensitive and completely anal about everyones food intake, what it is, whats in it, where its from, what nutrients are in it, I have been spending quite a bit of time grocery shopping, planning and preparing food, ...in addition to the diet changes, she also suggested more structered exercise times, while she thinks that thier active play is wonderful and extremely beneficial to their health

hmmmm

I am going to nursing school next week..yes i got in... I am moving on saturday first with my mom for three weeks then to a great apartment...my house still hasnt sold((boo))..but on the outside things are seeming to be going better...seeming...horriable things with R took place last week or so..accusations ...denials...lies...deceptions...intoxicated mistakes...and although right now on the outside i appear to have it all together...i feel i might unravel...i feel as though i may never have someone love me, as though I will always be second, that i am not good enough...i will go to school and get a job and move...but im so freaking scared...i will push forward, but it would be a bold face lie if i said i wasnt dying to run back to my Ed..I in fact cant wait for school to start for the main reason...i will not have to nor be able to eat breakfast nor lunch and dinner will be with my mom and there will be no drinking and that as u well know makes you fat so yes i cant wait for school...for future and dreams...but i cant wait for the weight loss that will occur...i havent had the ability to hold to ED law due to my inability to stop the alcohol, but now...alcohol will be gone and finally i will be thin again...

I cant wait for school

I just cant wait

Bella

words spoken and not
Lives weaved together like that of soft knit blanket, its warmth giving life to our deadened souls..
the tales mirror one another, the love and pain shared by both
The story never starts as a tragedy, its a love story through and through
love of two souls brought together through a fear, kept together by love and joined together through death
My soul is breathed air into through your words
My heart is lifted through your care
To think I might lose you too crushes my spirit
To hold you and walk into the sand doons gives me hope
You are priceless, worth more then diamonds
that glisten in the sunlight, beams of beauty, shimmering into the sky
To show you of your worth, the stringent value of you being, the truth of you soul,
I would give anything to see you find peace in yourself
We will find peace together
Together we will find our ever present purpose, know our truths and begin to accept love as we have learned to love from one another
I will take a deep breath of the same air
And say all will be well.


All my love, Tara

Fathers day

I dont know why I thought the day would pass as "just another day"...nothing about my life the last 15 months has been just another day, everthing is always harder...I woke up with a knot in my stomach, hoping the day would just dissapear. But it didnt. Alyssa wanted to go to the cematary, we bought ballons and we sat at the grave for a good hour...I was ready to leave but she wasnt, 100 questions later I told we had to go. It was heartbreaking, she wants to buried next her dad, what 8 yr old thinks about her own death like that, I still cant believe he is really dead, gone forever, Its days like these that make me think I will never really be whole again...the night flashed through my mind in bits in pieces, like one broken up nightmare. Screaming, thrashing, lights, sirens, people in and out, crying, watching my sleeping children, praying morning wouldnt come, it was allso surreal, throwing myself on top of the coffin, trying them to prevent it from being lowered in, someone dragging me away, carrying me to a car, yelling at me to get it together.

some days it feels like yesterday and sometimes it feels like its forever, today is one of those days that it feels like it just happened. Wounds are reopened, fears of the future, and nightmares of the past, all surface like the tides of ocean...in and out the scenes come in like the crashing of waves. You can make footprints in the sand, and the water rushes in and erases them. If that what these lifes are???Just footprints in the sand waiting to be erased. I refuse to believe that, but days like today make all to easy to want to my footprint to be erased, all it would take is one crashing wave...

It never really goes away...sigh

for the last couple of weeks I have been physically sick, very sick...I went to the doctor yesterday after much fight as I loath going, ( R said he wouldnt talk to me if I didnt go and the blah blah of if you care about me you will go...wah wah) I went and I am no on antibiotics, cough syrup with codine and steriods and my lungs are sucky right now...

last week, maybe thursday, maybe wenesday, when I really strarted feeling the exhaustion of being ill, I just kinda lost my appitite, I also stopped taking my rispirdol (S knows as of yesterday and I will tell pdoc next week)...rispirdol makes me hungry, makes me eat ALOT, and slows down my metabilism, it does the same for my son, thats why he is no longer on it, it happens, its a side affect and in turn I have gained wieght, and am well DISGUSTED...its funnt how after doing well with body image (dispite the weight gain) after feeling more stable (much more) since ip in march that My ED would just slip right in again, at full force I might add...after my doctor apt yesterday, I ran some errands got my meds and took my darlings to see Mr. Poppers Penquins ( FREAKING FANTASTIC movie see it you wont be dissapointed), we got out around 7, and I hadnt anything all day by the time I got to the food court I was dizzy shakey and seeing double, bad thing in general but when you have three kids in tow its a bit scary...I finally got thier food sat them down and walked to subway...first problem they didnt have my bread ( should not be a big deal but totally was) I had to have honey oat instead of whole wheat and all I could think was "the honey in this bread probablly doubles the calories" totally irrational (I can see that now)...turkey and veg (6in)on honey oat, thats what I ate yesterday and festered on it ALL night...can you feel sick from eating and better from it all at the same time?

my concern HOW THE FUCK CAN ED JUST FALL RIGHT BACK IN AFTER AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME ..... REMISSION?

I can not get sick again, I have to much going on, I have a test in a week for the nursing program, I need to be on top of my game, its reality now I need to get a degree, get a life and move on.

Am I self sabatoging cause I am really scared? I have a feeling I might be, with my all or nothing thinking ( If I dont make the top 15% I am doomed to be a failure for the rest of my life)...S and I talked yesterday how there are OTHER programs, and maybe I could test again, but either way its not the end of the world.

But it feels that way, not eating should NOT be so easy, ED should fuck off, I need a reality check, and i really need you guys to tellmanage to get t me how you through stressful life situations and not fall down the rabbit hole, its time to create a new path, the old one is getting well old...Im ready but scared as hell at the same time,,,its normal right, healthy fear is normal?

yet I fear it will paralyze me and stop me in my tracks, its really not an option this time, I wont be sick anymore, yet right now I am so stuck...so torn..

Help please

Love Tara

Stuck in the past but moving foward

Im trying to anyway...Im trying to get into nursing school in the fall, there is a test I need to take in 2 weeks and I need to be in the top 15% to get into the program, Im making strides with the kids, Im down to once a week therapy, every other week K (dietition) and every other week pdoc, seeing them all so often was just so time consuming, expensive and really I feel like right now I cant be bothered, it keeps me in "sick" mode, it makes me feels helpless and needy and I dont want to be those things...on the other hand I feel the ED pulling at me, I havent eaten much the last few days, anxiety is up and Im generally exhausted, scared about going back to school and really missing my husband, like terriably, I miss having a partner, Im so lonely, so so deeply lonely, I cry cause Im alone....things with R are still the same nearly 6 months of this, its so stupid on my part, but again Im lonely and still afraid of a real relationship, its my way of keeping myself safe, he gets jealous and protective, both feel good yet scare me, I think I have forgotten the bad parts of Mike and seem to be only remembering the good, I want my kids to have a dad, I want their dad, when Isaiah grows up he will say my dad died when I was two, hes four now and really I think he may have forgotten him, he hasnt mentioned him in months and months, I guess its good cause hes not in as much pain as Alyssa, but he wont remember him when hes older either and that saddens me very greatly, its been 15 months, I seem to go through phases where I am busy and trying to move forward and then I seem to get really stuck in the past, missing him and of that night...

anyway, I have missed blogging tremendously, I need to start writing again, I have missed you all, this entry may have seemed blahhh, but im doing better then I was three months ago, just sad lonely and instead of using my healthy coping skills, The Ed feels very alluring...very very alluring, but my logical mind knows that if I want to go school I MUST stay healthy, it just has to happen, I will do my best and keep trying to move forward, after all, the past is gone and cant be relieved, I really have no other choice.

Love you all
\
Tara

when you have lost all hope...

of being normal

Its hard to accept to take in what you been through and what you have done.

I have been having a secret affair for 4 months, and I love him and he loves me and it can never be because its so wrong.
I miss when hes not here and feel guilty when he is

I love seeing him lay on my couch
but know its not real

I deserve better...something real


but he doesnt hit me, and that I have never had
I want so bad for it to be real

but reality is it can never happen

and for that I heart broken

Lessons....

My dear friend Bella has a private blog( I think), she is spectacular and amazing and perfectly wonderful. Are lives mirror each other, we have known each other for 5 years, and though we have never met face to face I have to say she is the most amazing women I know, her strength, courage, love, generosity of time, love of her babies ( Roxy, poppy and swiz, shout out to the furry kids), determination, beauty, inner and out, AMAZES me....

We have both suffered great loss due to the suicide of our partners

suffered with an Eating disorder for many many...to many years

love great jokes, good music, flamboyant gay men and a good stiff vodka

We both feel each others deep pain, and greatest joys.

We hurt hard, and love even greater.

She is amazing

I would encourage everyone to email her for an invite, her blog is called truth and bone and can be found on my blog role....this is what she came up with with inspiration for dear Ben (im stealing this because its wonderful and helpful and I feel you all should do this as just doing it this morning has helped me....


State for your day

your highlight


your lowlight


what you learned today


what you are grateful for today


and what you are good at that you did during the day


the title of this post is "Lessons from Ben" and although is short, I think its brilliant, and wanted to share with you all, and if her blogs not private ( I really cant remember) CHECK HER OUT!!!

Share with us yours...here are mine from yesterday


highlight: talking to bella cause I missed her very much


lowlight: learning that there might not be much else they can do med wise to help stablize my mood


what I learned: that if I just start my day it might not be as bad as I anticipate


what I am grateful for: that my mom is awesome and helps even with small things that seem to much for me right now


what I am good at: being a good mom, as hard as it is to admit my kids have been through hell this year and they may hurt hard but they love even harder and that says something for me.

Thank you my dear girl, I hope you dont mind me sharing this I just thought it was so wonderful it needed to be reposted.

xox

Taking a break

I am okay, in a sort of detached way, I dont want anyone to worry, I just havent anything to say...I do, just to tired to say it, Life is as it is...I muddle through, good days and bad days, but nothing makes me happy...Im sure qs soon as I press publish, I will want to write, but right now its been two weeks and I cant bring myself to write...im tired, but I will press foward, I will still read everyones blogs, but right now I just cant be bothered...to be...real, it just hurts to much.

Much love to all, thank you for always supporting me, being there and commenting.

Tara

Bloggers Block/Fuck Faces

There are words swirling around in my head, tons and tons of words, but when I go to put them "down" they get stuck, stuck in my head, just swirling around with no where to go but to drive me mad! Im am going to try to get it out at least some of it, I am going to try to break it down:

The x in laws:

March first, I texted them that we were having a small family party for Alyssa's 8th birthday and invited them to come....Backdrop...Alyssa didnt have a friend party because they told her they wouldnt come to it, she deceided on a family party, in hopes they would attend at least that...so I text them, inviting them to the party, they respond, "we will be unable to attend, we will take her and give her, her present a different day"...Alyssa was devastated, she was crying and wanted to speak with them, so she called, they informed her "they had something else to do", I text them back, what is wrong with you, why wont you come to alyssas birthday party, again they text back with the something else to do BS, I was pissed at this point because really if you cant change your plans ( which now that I see the whole picture there were no other plans) for your 8 yr oldf grand daughters birthday then you are a fuck face and should be slapped, Alyysa is sobbing and really upset this whole time, which really fueled my intense anger, I texted them back you are selfish and clearly have other reasons, but "if you change your mind your mind you are still welcome"....no response, alyssa is devastated, she calls they upset her AGAIN, I get on the phone yelling (in my room ) what is wrong with you, you are her last connection to her father and you cant be there for her, taking her out a different day isnt good enough, its not what she wants...Big Dilhole interupts and says ( heres where I lose my shiz) "well YOU must understand we BLAME YOU for Michaels death, and WE dont want to be around YOU" I lost It, was swearing, tried to say my piece and they hung up...I was shaking and crying and convulsing all because I INVITED them to MY daughters Birthday. I eventually pull it together and text the fuck faces and tell them " obviously you cant put aside, YOUR feelings for what is in alyssas best interest, you are selfish and no longer allowed to see my children." MInd you I was flipping pissed, hurt, fustrated, scared, shamed, guilt ridden, angry, you name I was feeling it, BUT even with what they said to me, I ofcourse know what is best for my children is to HAVE a relationship with thier grandparents (even though it has for the last yr been a sporadic and superficial one)....they never text me back they say thats not fair, they dont fight me on it, which just fuels my assumption, that the kids are not that important to them and I am a murderer. Fast foward to March 10th, my daughters birthday, I hear from them in a certified letter sent from family court, yes they took me to court and had the summons delivered on my daughters birthday, they are suing me for visitation. This all in my oppinion could have been worked out if they had communicated with me but thats not how these passive aggressive fuck faces work, they said awful things about me in their petition, namely I have anorexia/bulimia/bipolar, and they need to be awarded visitation " to ensure their grandchildrens safety and well being" lets just be honost here...they dont even know who their teachers are, their doctors, ANYTHING that happens in their daily life, they know NOTHING and Help NONE, they pick them up take them some where to play for an hour, get them dinner and bring them home every other week at the most,made me they lied in the petition, they made me out to be crazy and they called me a murderer!

Yes I am pissed.

I have court at 9 am on friday, My sister is an attorney so she is taking care of thing, I have the kids doctor involved and most likely nothing will take place on fri, it will be ajorned unless they agree to my terms which cause they are fucks will probably just fuck me around for a while, still my anxiety is through the bloody roof, Im a hot mess on the inside, but Im trying ( successfully) not to let it pour through onto my children, I dont speak poorly on their grandparents, I dont talk about them at all and either do they, they havent seen them in over a month and they dont seem to care, but what eves I have to deal with this, one more bloody thing, plus the whole you killed him thing....been working for over a yr to rid myself of the "what ifs" and all the guilt that goes along with it and they actually believe that its my fault....which led to the not sleeping for days and the "over dose"....

I will continue this post, later on, I think its gonna take some time to continue with this, and my darlings need to get ready, we have a pine wood derby race for Zacks Boy Scouts...think mini cars, mini race track, lots of little boys...he had to help make the car so hes pretty excited...


okay lovelies, til later

Tara

goes to show you

I had forgotten or didnt realize that I had been posting all the drama that had unfolded since the beginning of march...I just went to read what I had posted lately and saw that I was writing during that time, not that understandable, but still I was there...I dont remember it though, it kinda all seems like it was a dream...

Goes to show you just how fucked in the head I was...

and

today

I have done nothing but play video games with Isaiah, watch him play some imaginary game with star wars, watched Dora the explorer, and oh yeah, catch up on like a zillion blogs, I read allot, didnt comment much but read allot...

Im feeling a bit confused today, not sure why, keep thinking about his parents and court and its throwing my anxiety into a tizzy..

blurgggggg


smoke then shower

we ALL have therapy today!!!

much love

Im Home

seeing a little more clearly..

Dealing with horrific nightmares, due to no longer self medicating, and things once again resurfacing ( OH JOY)

Im home, thank god

back to trying to make things okay

It was a much needed break .... learning how to self care again was very important...Im trying...

Im trying, flat this morning...

but much better then I was

Tired I think

Drinking coffee with no splenda

I will post a real post soon...

just wanted to let everyone know Im going to be okay, and yes I am home

oh and 10 days no smokes

almost


KILLED ME

:) :) :)


Love, Tara

Hospital

Im going Ip friday

for trauma, suicidal thoughts and attempts and detox and a med staightout all much needed

thats all

just thought Id let you all know I gave in

let go of my pride

and decieded my kids deserve a mother who isnt trying to off herself at every turn...

no computer

no phone

no smokes

I hope I am heavily medicated

or it just might make me crazier

okay

peace out

try to update tomorrow on real feelings

right now

not sure how I feel

catch 22

I want out
but It seems that I have so much to live for
I dont to go IP
but I would like the safety it provides...from myself
Im exhausted....but...cant sleep
I spend my days betweens mania and depression...rapid cycling
hell I think
Its all a catch 22 because if I die I wont know if there is more for me out there
but if I live its all such pain and work
Im so tired
I wish I could just die for a while then come back when I am ready to fight
but it doesnt work that way
its a catch 22
and I am undecieded as to which way I want to go
I am a mom
but if I wasnt
I would just take the out
because really
the misery
out wieghs
the joy
for now I will go on
day to day
doing my job
praying for old age
when death is acceptable
its going to be a long life
and Im already so tired
what happened
last week I was excited to live
now
I dont want to

Im debateing

whether or not to go IP/PHP something for addiction, trauma depression and suicidal thoughts....I hate the hospital, but living this life....full of pain, fear and anxiety, numbed by voodka, somehow doesnt seem right..

first though I will have to get thin...

because as you know no one is worth help unless they look like a victim of famine

I have thought about cutting...but thats an addiction too...better not to start something that could just end it, as I seem to take every thing to far....


MENTAL ILLNESS SUCKS

I want more

...the "suicide attempt" has left me well feeling...well sad, that it didnt kill me or put me to sleep, that I would have to take so much more to snuff my being from this world and I will most never get the chance with pills again...its also left me feeling manic, like I am invincable nothing can touch me I am a super power, who can take 36 clonipin...nearly a liter of voodka and some other odds and ends pills and still be standing...me thats who. blurgggg. I have the bestest friend ever who gives my heart a reason to live to hope and to soar...I dream of kangeroos, of holding her and watching the waves crash...but thats 7 months away, so I breath and hold tight and try to believe I will be okay.

Rey didnt go to work last night, my mom took my kids and he stayed the night we made love for hours and I fell asleep in in his arms...I slept for 3 hours, safe from the world and close to another warm body...

I want more


whether it be connection...death...or sleep...its all so romantic...love...death...peace

whatever it is I want more

The last few days...

have been a pathetic mess...to the point where I was almost certified this afternoon, I was flabbergasted but it almost happened..

you see monday night my inlaws point blank on the telephone...said..."well you must understand we think you killed our son"

yuppp yep after a yr of working to rid those feeling of guilt, shame, pain, anguish and quilt I allowed then to take away all I had learned and come to believe, in a matter in seconds...long story short I hadnt slept since sunday...still thurday night and no sleep yet///between yesterday and the 12 hours earlier...36 hrs I took 30 something clonipin..apparently that is a suicide attemp...add that to a bout a little over a liter of voodka and in that time, I almost died ...so they say....

I cant even talk right now about how much I am hurting


right now I just want to take the 15 I have stashed for emergency purposes:(


if you pay pray for me...my kids are at thier grandmas...I have a bottle of voodka..pills prescribed and not...not so much to die...just t o quiet the noise

Somethings changed

I dont know how are when it happened but somethings changed...I WANT more, more then the life with ED could give me, I am amazed by my own STRENGTH, its been nearly a yr, I have been ALMOST hospitalized several times...but almost is what I said, I have pulled myself out numerous times, this year I know everyone thought I would crumble and die within myself, that I wouldnt be able to carry on, shit I thought that I wouldnt be able to carry on, and allot of times I didnt want to, I wanted to take the easy way out, but I didnt and I think that I am so much stronger then I ever thought I could be, I fight for whats best for my kids, I am doing everything I need to do for them and I am doing it alone, ALONE, I am parenting better then I ever have before, dealing with issues I never dreamed that I would have to deal with...but Im doing it, I Am doing it, me, by myself, something I never thought I could do. Oh dont get me wrong ED is still there, but Im ignoring it, Today for example it was time for breakfast and I wasnt hungry any other time I would have just waited til I got so hungry I couldnt stand it then say it had been to long so I couldnt eat even though I wanted to, BUT today I ate cause it was time to, I still cant stand my body but I am not focusing on it ALL day...I look, I pinch, I think well "just a little..." then I think nope, feeling this way, not living in constant fear and chaos is worth a little extra around my middle, so what Im not the thinnest, Im definatly not the fattest either, and you know what, Im okay, and every day I will become more okay with who I am, who I am changing to, and eventually who I will be...I have realized that changing into someone who is not sick is OKAY! For the first time in maybe 16 years I dont want to be the sick one, I want people to have faith in me, to respect me for my strength, my courage and my abilitys of which I have many but have always denied...something has changed, and I like it, I like who I am becoming and cant wait to find out who I will become tomorrow and 20 years from now.

Somethings changed and you know what I do believe I like it...yup I do!!!

Love,

Tara

I have an anouncement!!!

ARE YOU READY!!!!????







I am going to AUSTRAILIA!!!


in OCTOBER


TO visit my baby girl BELLA



I cant wait



Im checking out flights now



and



the clincher




we have agreed unless we are both healthy it wont happen....



I have never been more motivated in my life....



yes my kids




but




for me


I never have had it



and now



I do




I cant freaking believe it




my mom is going to watch the kids, I am looking at flights, Im going to see my girl and we are both going to be healthy, I have never ( except the birth of my children) wanted anything more....can you believe this...


Im going to fly 22 hours ALONE....but Im not even scared...cause the what ME wants is so much greater then what the illnesses want...



Thats right folks..Im going to Australia!!!!



love you all


with love and extreme excitement


TARA

So excited!!!

ITS EDAW!!! and Im so excited cause I just DECIEDED that Im going to be 100% healthy no later then october because I am going on a very special trip!!! what a great week to really dig into recovery!!!!

Im starting by going back to journaling ....following mp, making purging a non option, nixing the drinking, and just generally trying to love me for me!!!

It might sound like a lot but I will go slow, I just have recently seen the bigger picture and for the first time in a while really want to be here to live my life....Bella...7 months((hugs))

what are you guys doing for EDAW???

love love

and....

being in love...


feeling love...


and giving love...

they are different...

so really, someone tell me

the top 2, whats the difference

and lust

where does that fall into play


really I need to know cause I so

CONFUSED

love, Me

hmmmmm

Im not pregnant, didnt know that was a worry of mine, well it totally was, we have slept together like 15 or 16 time since the last 2.7 weeks and I was late ( as usual) as was panicking I was pregnant, can you imagine, I cant, totally, I just I mean Im really fertile even though I am NEVER regular, and he apparently has super sperm so the thought of haveing a child not married, having an affair and dealing with all those repercussions was and is not something I want to deal with...I mean we are protecting ourselves but still shit happens and I dont believe in abortion, he knows that, can you imagine that happening, omg I would die..Im drunk, but just wanted to say, thank the good lord Im not with child, for numerous reasons! 1) Im not pregnant 2) I couldnt be drunk if I were 3)I dont have to deal with all the horriableness if I were pregnant and 4) I dont have to get a fatter cause IM NOT pregnant!!!!!!!

okay Im having another drink to celerbrate...what you gonna do??


Love you all

me

valentines days

I would like to write a post about how spectacular I am doing and if I wrote this 4 days ago I could have, i have could have told you I went a week following my mp and not purging, that I was okay with the affair i am having, that I wasnt depressed, or anxious, or suicidal, but that didnt last long and I am a mess again, Im sure you expected this, wish I did....wish I knew what to expect from myself ...wish I knew what I could handle, what I cant, why I dont know my own limits, Im not sure, but I do know that THIS, THIS is not working for me...I thought I could hanle this but i cant, I kiss him and long for more, he holds me and I believe it will last forever, its valentines day and I remember the past, love that is real, that lasts that holds true despite the pain and anguish, its a cold hard reminder that this is my life, one of falicities, and untruths, my husband eho knew my every waking thought is gone and I am left with someone who can not give me his all, who does not not my secrects and is not him, I ache on this day, my insides hurt to the point of burning and still I long for stolen moments to pretend, to pretend that i am whole, that I am fulfilled...to acknowledge I am a sexual being and have needs is one thing but to pretend they are being fulfilled is something completely, a different form of denial...I accept what is given to me because I dont think I deserve or cant fathom actually having something real, but Im here, living in some crazy world where what is real or so seems to be is not and I am in that world, and fuck, it bloody hurts

Tara

It was a good thing???

really?? Friday S and I were deep in conversation, trying to figure out how I was going to keep myself out of the hospital...I kinda looked at her in complete distress, and was like "Im not going, so I need to figure this out."

Okay she said then lets do it!

and we talked, sometimes I wanted to cover my ears and close my eyes because it was just so hard ( sometimes I did), but then she finally asked the question that made me cringe "Did you feel anything, are you feeling anything??"

after what seemed like hours, I closed my eyes and whispered "yes"

she started clapping, no joke, clapping, bet you are wondering why??

Cause I FELT something, I wasnt completely dead inside, I wasnt so numb that I couldnt feel, did it feel good and horriable at the same time, yes, but I was feeling it...

let me back track.

Last Sunday I took all the meds S had given me for the week, my mom took my kids cause I hadnt slept in days, and I swear I just wanted to sleep, but if I am honost I have to admitt that a part of me hoped that those pills would do more then put me to sleep. I take 5 medications 3 of which are taken 2xs a day, it was about 70 pills ( I took throughout the day, not all at once) S wanted me to in the hospital, we spoke on the phone and I was about 5 mins and 1 breakdown away from having the crazy police called on my ass...by tuesday I was convinced I would end up in the hospital, I had a major breakdown fearing for my kids, that I was caught between a rock and a hard place, I needed the hospital, my anxiety was so out of control, I wasnt sleeping or eating, peeing was overwhelming, and honostly I wasnt the best person to be taking care of my kids, I clearly couldnt take care of myself let alone them, my mom was over allot over those 5 days, but couldnt be there full time if I went to the hospital, so I really really needed to get my act together or really what I needed was a miracle, I decieded to eat dinner last tuesday night because I was so anxious, so distraught and fearful and I knew that I was only making everything worse by not eating, I sat down and ate that frozen dinner, I didnt feel any better, but no worse so I did it the next day only I started my meal time at noon instead of 7 at night and I ate 3 times that day...and have since last wenesday, Last Friday I was still in a really bad spot...the difference was I was taking action and responsibility for myself, if I ended up in the hospital it wasnt going to be because I was refusing to eat therefore making my meds not work and everything else just a plain mess...I acted and still acting and it feels good.

anyway, so while we were talking and I realized that what might have set me off was not just sleeping with R, but perhaps the fact that the guilt I felt for actually enjoying it ( at least in the moment) I have for as long as I can remember denied any need for anything, I didnt need physical contact, or touch or love, I didnt need food, or new clothes, or anything, i didnt have the same needs that everyone else had ( except I did, I just wouldnt admitt it, I tried to supress it all and deny myself of any type of needs or wants, but when I slept with R, and enjoyed it ( which is apparently what normal people do when they have sex:))I was OVERWHELMED with tons of supressed emotions, that I hadnt felt in years, it was so overwhelming that I felt like I was dying, but guess what?? I didnt die, I m still here, and working harder at trying to name the emotion and then have an appropriate reaction to that emotion ( still really early on in the process but I am trying).

Im okay, and thinking S is right, It might not have been the right thing, but it was definately a good thing...

feelings good or bad are meant to be felt, Im slowly learning its okay to feel something good, and that when I do feel something good, I dont have to feel bad about it.

Amen to realizations

Love, Tara

Im so depressed, I cant breath, I cant move, Im desperate to just disappear, I dont want to live anymore, its not worth the pain, I lost my love, he hurt me so much and I dont know how to live without heartache, so I have allowed myself to create new heartache, new pain, Im jealous and sad , I feel manipulated, stolen moments of comfort are not worth this pain, waiting for the moments I feel cared for and the pain Im creating, hes probably, done this before, Im sure he tells me all lies, he will never leave her and I really dont want him to, I just want something, I cant figure what it is, why cant I find real love, one that doesnt hurt, its me, Im so not worth care, I have yet again proved my worth is of no value, I just want the hurt to go away, it never will, I feel destined to live in this limbo...of living but wanting to die, please dear god take me in my sleep, Im so not okay, I cant even describe how much this has screwed me up, and I was already fucked up,Im not sure how I will do this, I just want to leave this world, "I have such strong feelings for you, your eyes are so beautiful, I want you, Im going to leave her..."lies I should have never believed...and now I am broken hearted again...Im so broken

I deserve death

see previous post as to why

slut pretty much sums my sorry ass off


If I were her and I found out I would be pissed

but she will kill me...she s big and WILL cause me harm

fuck

I am in Hell

Physical and emotional Hell...This man makes me feel something, something I havent in a long time, some need is being filled, cared for maybe, its wrong, very wrong, but I am drawn to the attention and nuturing and physical touch...and he helps me with my kids, but its still wrong and its so hard.

but its taking its toll I have slept 7 hours since thursday, and yesterdayI was the first day was able to eat since thursday night...

Im a mess and need to fix this, I feel like such a slut for this but... I really just crave the touch.

Im so sorry I have let you all down

this is not who I am

stupid is stupid does

I have done something I am to embarressed to even tell you guys, I cant not even believe what I have done, perhaps Mike was right, I am no good and cant be trusted, I need support, I know I am being cryptic but really Im so ashamed and my feelings are so conflicted, Im so loney and I know I have put myself in an awful position, I just needed human touch. and now I must deal with the fallout..

Hey

Borrowing my nieghbors computer which makes me super uncomfortable because I am always afraid they can somehow find my blog or other stuff I am working on, anyway, Iam in complete shit, S and I are going to start doing BCA's again ( Behavior chair analysis ) because I am really going down hill...my days...Coffee, Starve, gym, and then night rolls around and I B/p several times, Im in a fog, dont really remember much or what I did most days, I saw S on friday and she was like "I havent seen you this confused in a while and every time I do, it leads to you being in the hospital." I got mad and sad "no freaking way" then she pulled out the " well you are not safe right now and you are alone with your kids, you have no backup and you are falling really fast, I cant even communicate with you because you keep forgetting what you or I said." funny I can remember it now....hmmmmm but she was right, I was lost, Im falling asleep at any point and time durning the day because my body is just giving out...my mom came to watch the kids yesterday so I could workout, she arrived to find me half asleep on the couch, " I thought you would be jumping at the bit to get out of here and you are sleeping, whats wrong with you?" I ofcourse popped up threw on my workout clothes and went for a good run and some wieght training, but truth be told it was all such a n effort, I was exhausted, but the upside is I am sore since I added wieght training to the regime ...Im pretty messed up right now and see her point as to where I will be in a few bits time if I dont figure out and end this relaspe, I B/P 3xs last night, I woke up at 3am which such a dry mouth it hurt, but my throat was so raw it hurt to drink the water, my coffee has gone down easier this morning but Im shakey and well I know I need to turn things around just feeling very unable, I say everyday TODAY will be the day to do it right, but I always fail, I would feel better even if I just ate minimally without the purging, its so draining, sucks the life right out of you. I have to get my labs done monday, kinda nervous I have put it off for almost 2 weeks but my ED doctor ( how ironic is this) goes to my gym, we usually go opposite times, me in the morning and her in the evening but after T last week I went at night and guess who was behind me my WHOLE run, thats right Dr.A...I was so embarressed to be engaging in my Ed with my doctor watching SUCKS, we made small talk and I hightailed it out of there, but first she made mention that she hadnt recieved my labs...hmmmm I said "I forgot" right, I just wanted more time cause I thought I could fix my labs with a few days not purging but that hasnt happened so I guess I should just get them done...okay I know I am very scattered, I think I am heading for some hypomania, more then likely cause my pm meds get purged every night, Im shaking right now but will probablly be sleeping some time this afternoon, okay off to get ready for church.

Love to you all, thankyou so much for all your care and concern you are all such beautiful souls

love you, Tara

I am about to say screw it

not that I havent completely engrossed myself in listening to the neverending bitch voice in my head that tells me what a worthless peice of shit and a pathetic loser of a human I am, but really its right, my husband killed himself cause I fucken went off and left him ( yes he was abusive, but he fucken didnt deserve to die) I am fucken selfish bitch who should fucken suffer, I ran and starved all day yesterday and ate 2 (meals) and purged, just to rid myself of the hate, like I was pulling all the bad out of me, but its still here...the bad, the disgust, the loathing , the grief, shame, guilt...Im not numb enough, I want to drink, to take to many meds, to just make it all go away...its not just the number although that was the trigger...its the pain, and Im about to say screw it all. I wish I were dead

I am...

an ugly fat piece of ugly worthless shit, and should be shot, slain or at least punched in the face HARD!!

Yes they coherced me to get on the Wii Fit.

Someone fucking kill me now...seriously, i can not describe how completely fucking disgusted I am with myself...I HATE me...I want to die!!!

like literally want to die, I will not eat, I will run, I WILL make myself small...I will disapear...

I am full of complete despair

loathingly yours

FAT ASS

Wii Fit Plus

my kids got it for christmas ( not by me)...long story short, they love it,a nd I now have a scale in my house, I havent used it, but Im so tempted, I havent known my wieght in nearly 3 yrs, it will become an obession, and if it higher then what I think it will send me into crisis mode...they want me to play, but the repercussuions for me to be "evaluated" by that board...are they worth the damage, to my mind, I shouldnt let it tell me my worth, its like a super scale, that will verblize how fat I am, bmi, wieght, wii age, shit that will all play tricks on me, its pretty accurate, the kids were just at the doctor and it was the exact same wieght on the wii as in the doctor, dam technology, what should I do, I guess I know the answer, I just need confirmation Im not being a bad mom by not hopping on the board, they want me to, but I know it will drive me mad...deep sigh...fucking ED wrecks EVERYTHING!!!

more random pics

Please see previous post for some more random cuteness :)

Some Random xmas photos

so you know me and photos dont mix ( getting them on blogger)

lets see, I think think the first one is of Isaiah in the snow, The second is me, first thinghey x mas morning, the next one is of alyssa posing in front of the tree, then its Zack playing webkinz (on MY computer, which they always have) and the last is of the tons of xmas presents under our beautiful tree!

its been a while since I posted any pics of the kidos so enjoy!

Love, Tara

a branch fell in!

I have been doing allot of thinking lately, soul searching, trying to figure out who and what I am and will one day become....I have been left with allot of unanswered questions, Im struggeling, to put it mildly, but tonight my nieghbor ( a guy...whose married but unhappily and seems to like me, I have no interest for numerous reasons, so no worries there) but he said something to me a bit ago...they know that I have an ED and I have been running allot, they know I was running even though I severly injured my right knee, that I was in allot of pain but kept going, I lessened my running and after the 3 days I took off for christmas, my knee feels sooooo much better.

Anyway I have had a very sick little girl the last few days and have been only able to run 2xs this week, I feel aweful about it, he asked me to babysit tomorrow, and I said yes but not til after my apt and some severe makeage up of the running. He simply stated " No just run what you have been doing, your knee will act up again, you will be in a ton of pain again, its not worth it, dont listen that voice in your head that degrades you, for you my dear, the world is an oyster, stop looking, the pearl is right in front of you"

He reached out to me, he handed me a branch, he cared, something I so long for, the branch fell in, and Im going to use it to climb out of the deep, dirty hole.

Dont you just love it when the most unexpecting person hands you a branch.

Love, Tara

Proverbs31.org

I promise this is not going to turn into a blog all about God, altough he does play an intrical part in my life...I heard this question.."If the Biblewere written today, Do you think you might might be in it?"

Ofcourse, me, like many of you are thinking well Duh..NO, Im nothing special. But see thats the whole thing, God loved to put everyday, broken people into the bible...He forgave them, he healed ethier brokeness, and they went on to live very spectacular lives, some doing nothing more then being healed and raising and careing for thier familys. Some ofcourse becomeing Kings and the like, but other went on living very spectactular, ordinary lives.

We were not meant to live this life, muddeling through, praying for the day to end, wishing that we were someone else, anyone else...WE ARE WHO WE WERE MEANT TO BE. Our lives are spectacular and ordninary all at once, IF the Bible were written today, would you be in it, and how would you want your story to end??

I had for a very long time thought I must have done something very wrong in this world for my life to have taken the path that it has, that I shouldnt have to struggle they I have for all these years, but in fact I am comeing to believe that, that may not be true, God allows us all to struggle, Ofcourse the fact is when the rubber meets the road do we call on him to help through our struggles or do we try to face them alone and then become angry with him for not helping us...God does allow us to struggle, so that we might lean on him, and when asked how we struggled we can say "I struggled well"

My eating Disorder,The traumas that have occurred have ravaged my body , mind and soul, I have turned inward, questioned and even become angry at God for not healing me, for dealing me the had that I have been dealt...but...perhaps if I had asked for help, perhaps if I hadnt been so determined to destroy what he gave me, perhaps maybe if I had opened my heart and not spent all my time engrossed in the obessions that I engaged in perhaps then I could have leaned on God and then I could have said by now, I have "struggeled well"...

I know in my heart that I have a purpose for my life, for years I have spent with my head buried in the sand, not wanting to hear anything that might actually help me...2 steps forward, 3 steps back, until I had fallen so deep into the hole behind me I couldnt get up, I refused any help that might have been offered, hell I didnt even yell for help, no one could help me because I wouldnt let anyone in, I dont even think I wanted help , I was perfectly content to stay right where I was in the darkness and dirt of a deep hole, I am no longer willing to stay in that hole, I will claw my way out if I have to, but the fact remains, If I reach out my hand he (God) will take hold and help me out, it wont be easy, I will have to work, struggle, cry, get dirty and fight my way out, but I will and when I do I will be able to see all that I can and will become...

So maybe, just maybe, because I AM ordinary and broken, I would be in the Bible if it were written today, maybe not, but I am going to choose to live that I may be included in those glorious stories, and I know my ending is going to be great, because we dont struggle for futile nothingness, its all in his great plans.

NONE OF OUR STRUGGLES ARE OUR FAULT, BUT HOW LONG WE DECIEDE TO STAY STUCK IN OUR OBESSIONS, WELL THATS UP TO US.

So, my question to all of you, might you be included in the Bible...if perhaps it had been written today?

Love, Tara

Dont Give up!!!

I was listening to christian radio ( a and per usual) this morning and I heard something along thses lines.

"God never forgets you! when you are in your darkest moments, when you can not see a light at the end of your tunnel, God has not left you. He is standing by your side, your own personal cheerleader, your savior, holding your hand through the darkness. Whatever battle you are facing, when you want to give up because it feels never ending. DONT! Dont give up, there will come a day when your struggle will no longer be in the forefront of your mind, when you arent living moment to moment, when you are finally free. Fight for your freedom, know that you are never alone, and DONT EVER GIVE UP."

I so needed to hear that this morning, you can subsitute God for your higher power, or whatever your faith believes, I choose my God to my my Lord and Savior, for he will save me, from me, from all that frightens and , haunts me, because even when I want to give up on me, he never will...So I cant Give up, I need to fight, we all do, one day we will see the light at the end of the tunnel, it will be bright and glowing and leading us through the darkness...and we will be FREE!

Love, Tara

Dr.A

Saw the Ed doc today, apparently I have heart palpitaions, I was unawre of, she I guess heard them when she listened to my heart..duh..

need more blood work.

Sick of this merry go round.

I really need to get my shiz together, I mean I know I have a shit heart, it almost crapped out 2.5 yrs ago, now even though my wieght isnt low my body cant handle restricting, I will not go back to medical or residentional, so I really just need to step it up a notch, ... tonight dinner and boost, this shiz needs to stop.

My kids already lost one parent I sure as hell will not let them lose another to a mental illness.

amusing thing today, at least I thought so K, my N brought me in coupons for boost, meaning I need to drink at least 2 a day, plus dinner and 2 snacks..anyway...coupons, really, I just laughed, but I did take them cause well that shiz is expensive...oh and my mom brought me the same coupons..haha ...the universe is trying to tell me something.

Boost it up baby!

Love, Tara