Sunday, January 9, 2011

I am...

an ugly fat piece of ugly worthless shit, and should be shot, slain or at least punched in the face HARD!!

Yes they coherced me to get on the Wii Fit.

Someone fucking kill me now...seriously, i can not describe how completely fucking disgusted I am with myself...I HATE me...I want to die!!!

like literally want to die, I will not eat, I will run, I WILL make myself small...I will disapear...

I am full of complete despair

loathingly yours



battleinmind said...

wow hun, that's a lot of self hate. Just wanted to say base your worth on God's love for you, NOT NOT NOT a silly number on a scale. No one will love you more if you are even thinner.

lisalisa said...


Seriously, I heard those things talk to you. Like, if you dont use it for awhile it will say things like "do you want to get fat?" and crap like that, so it is actually worse than just a scale.

I know your kids would be sad if you got rid of the fit but seriously, they'd get over it. Dont feel like a bad mom for getting rid of a toy, you are actually doing something good for them and you. They need a mom that is healthy. Plus, kids dont need a FIT! Think of all the unhealthy messages it will give them! There are other wii games that will get them moving without being overtly fitness oriented.

Out of curiosity, who would give a recovering anorexic's kids a Wii fit anyways?

You are.....

a beautiful daughter of God, a mother, sister, daughter, and friend, a fighter, wise, carring, compassionate, unique, strong, and brave.
The Wii fit doesn't know any of this.

Zena said...

Thankyou both very much for encouraging comments, I cant even decribe how I am so full of loathing for myself I cant even describe how aweful I feel and my head that wont shutup, I went for a 6 mile run and still my Ed is screaming not enough, I might just go on the fucker to work out more...I hate myself right now so much, the the thing is I knew better, no number would ever be right, but I did it to make my son, who has allot of emotional tons of anger, sister bought it for them, she made me promise I wouldnt use it, and I agreed, I didnt want to but gave into him, now Im in hell, Im starving, but my ED is so loud right now, its not worth the berating I will get if I eat, I wish I could disappear.

battleinmind said...

My advice will only be this, get out of a possible relapse as soon as possible, I know that hellish voice, try and remember all the hard work you have put into getting this far in recovery, and imagine what will happen to your emotions in the long term if this relapse continues.
Thinking of you,

Z. said...

I hate to see you are feeling like this... Maybe it will help to remind yourself of your own beautiful words:

Zena said...

You are all so wonderful, I wish I never had this stupid Eating Disorder...I loath myself right, I did over 8 miles yesterday,e and still my head is not please...I hope these feelings of hate and disgust dissapate, but right now, I cant describe ( although Im sure you all know) the thoughts and feelings that are ripping me apart, all for what...a number???

Eating Alone said...

Yeah that wii fit thing is not a good thing for you.

Just remember that you are not weighed by the scale. God loved you enough to Die for you right? Do you think He cares how much you weigh?

Climbing back down off the soap box.

Lisa said...

babe- you're worth so much more. throw that fucking piece of shit out the window--- well not really bc those things are wicked expensive but

you're SOOO much more than a number. You deserve better. You aren't any of the things you said/believe.

I hope things have gotten better since :)


Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

Please get rid of the Wii. Please. Your kids will forget about it in probably two seconds, and it is obviously a trigger.

Remember - you are not a number. You are a child of God. God loves you and wants you to get better. Ed is evil.

You do not deserve the self-hatred you are going through.