Sunday, January 23, 2011


Borrowing my nieghbors computer which makes me super uncomfortable because I am always afraid they can somehow find my blog or other stuff I am working on, anyway, Iam in complete shit, S and I are going to start doing BCA's again ( Behavior chair analysis ) because I am really going down days...Coffee, Starve, gym, and then night rolls around and I B/p several times, Im in a fog, dont really remember much or what I did most days, I saw S on friday and she was like "I havent seen you this confused in a while and every time I do, it leads to you being in the hospital." I got mad and sad "no freaking way" then she pulled out the " well you are not safe right now and you are alone with your kids, you have no backup and you are falling really fast, I cant even communicate with you because you keep forgetting what you or I said." funny I can remember it now....hmmmmm but she was right, I was lost, Im falling asleep at any point and time durning the day because my body is just giving mom came to watch the kids yesterday so I could workout, she arrived to find me half asleep on the couch, " I thought you would be jumping at the bit to get out of here and you are sleeping, whats wrong with you?" I ofcourse popped up threw on my workout clothes and went for a good run and some wieght training, but truth be told it was all such a n effort, I was exhausted, but the upside is I am sore since I added wieght training to the regime ...Im pretty messed up right now and see her point as to where I will be in a few bits time if I dont figure out and end this relaspe, I B/P 3xs last night, I woke up at 3am which such a dry mouth it hurt, but my throat was so raw it hurt to drink the water, my coffee has gone down easier this morning but Im shakey and well I know I need to turn things around just feeling very unable, I say everyday TODAY will be the day to do it right, but I always fail, I would feel better even if I just ate minimally without the purging, its so draining, sucks the life right out of you. I have to get my labs done monday, kinda nervous I have put it off for almost 2 weeks but my ED doctor ( how ironic is this) goes to my gym, we usually go opposite times, me in the morning and her in the evening but after T last week I went at night and guess who was behind me my WHOLE run, thats right Dr.A...I was so embarressed to be engaging in my Ed with my doctor watching SUCKS, we made small talk and I hightailed it out of there, but first she made mention that she hadnt recieved my labs...hmmmm I said "I forgot" right, I just wanted more time cause I thought I could fix my labs with a few days not purging but that hasnt happened so I guess I should just get them done...okay I know I am very scattered, I think I am heading for some hypomania, more then likely cause my pm meds get purged every night, Im shaking right now but will probablly be sleeping some time this afternoon, okay off to get ready for church.

Love to you all, thankyou so much for all your care and concern you are all such beautiful souls

love you, Tara


Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

I am praying for you. Call anytime you need to.

You can still turn this around. There is always hope.


Lisa said...

I'm here for you. You can message me here/fb/email anything or even text ( my number is on my fb ) and I'm here. I understand the fog after b/p. It puts me to sleep sometimes.

Things will get better- i know that sounds cliche and soooo far from what it feels like right now but cling onto that little bit of hope if you can.

love you, seriously

belinda said...

i'm falling apart too
miss you heaps
stay safe
i'm only a text away

big love. x

Angela said...

Know that I'm thinking of you, and hoping that you can get things turned around. Sending {{{HUGS}}}

lisalisa said...

I still believe in you! You are stronger than you think (or else you wouldn't have made it this far)!


battleinmind said...

My prayers are with you.

Philippians 4: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."


Eating Alone said...


Stay safe, please.....

Zena said...

your all so beautiful,

i am trying super hard, Im failing but now I have the threat of hospital over my head, I have 1 month 2 at most to pull out of this relapse or my team will do every thing in thier power to hospitalize me, S says shes worried Im so compromised that i could have a heart attack anytime ( my heart nearly failed 3 yrs ago) Im having the same symptoms, I cant seem to get anytime behavior free, if I m not starving , or running Im B/p, this madness has got to stop, Im exhausted and really just realized how serious this relapse was last friday, Im pretty sad and am having flashbacks but Im trying to ground myself, DBT is back in the deal, Im doing BCAs like no tomorrow, one for every behavior, its 3 a day, 1 for the 3 meals I skip,( I lumb them into 1) 1 for the the compulsive exercise and 1 for the multiple times I B/P every night at 10pm its ridiculous but S says its good cause she sees how much knowledge I have to really use my tools, now just to actually do it.

Love you all