Monday, January 10, 2011

I am about to say screw it

not that I havent completely engrossed myself in listening to the neverending bitch voice in my head that tells me what a worthless peice of shit and a pathetic loser of a human I am, but really its right, my husband killed himself cause I fucken went off and left him ( yes he was abusive, but he fucken didnt deserve to die) I am fucken selfish bitch who should fucken suffer, I ran and starved all day yesterday and ate 2 (meals) and purged, just to rid myself of the hate, like I was pulling all the bad out of me, but its still here...the bad, the disgust, the loathing , the grief, shame, guilt...Im not numb enough, I want to drink, to take to many meds, to just make it all go away...its not just the number although that was the trigger...its the pain, and Im about to say screw it all. I wish I were dead

7 comments:

flaweddesign said...

oh dear hun...i'm so worried about you. i wish you hadn't stepped on the wii fit thingy as it seems to have triggered so much in you. :( wish i could give you a big hug and take away all your pain (not that my hug would do that...i mean just in general). stay strong. your kids need you. you're an awesome mom. (((((hugs)))))

Lisa said...

babe :( I am feeling for you. Triggering things can come so quickly and take forever to go away. You're a strong and beautiful woman. You can do this. I'm here for you

xoxo

jadedchalice said...

i know what its like to feel this way, and the thing that hurts even more than feeling this way, is feeling like no one cares that you are feeling this way.
Im so sorry you are hurting so much sweetie, you deserve so much better than this pain you are living in. I just wish I could hold you while you cry and just show you how much you truly are loved, i wish i could pick you up out of the darkest place and show you love and a reason to smile. All i know is I hope you stay with us and that i send you so much love.

D

Eating Alone said...

Hug! Please just grab a hammer and the Wii Fit and smash that hate right out of you!

Angela E. Gambrel Lackey said...

I understand wanting to get the bad out - but you are not bad. You are a child of God and wonderful and beautiful! Smash the Wii and tell the voice in your head to shut up. And please, please talk to your therapist. I am so very worried about you.

Your kids need you. You need you - whole and healthy. Remember what you said to me - LIVE.

lisalisa said...

I know you feel guilt about your husband but let me remind you of this: each year thousands of men are left by their wives/girlfriends, and they do not kill themselves. I hope I said that in a way that makes sense. What I mean is, yes, you left him (for good reason), but he had many ways he could have dealt with that. He CHOSE suicide, but that was his choice, and it was not something you caused.

Love you!

belinda said...

A note from Tara:

Her son dropped her computer and again she is without (as it is broken). She said she is ok, holding on. I will post any updates as I receive them.

Xx