Sunday, May 15, 2011

when you have lost all hope...

of being normal

Its hard to accept to take in what you been through and what you have done.

I have been having a secret affair for 4 months, and I love him and he loves me and it can never be because its so wrong.
I miss when hes not here and feel guilty when he is

I love seeing him lay on my couch
but know its not real

I deserve better...something real


but he doesnt hit me, and that I have never had
I want so bad for it to be real

but reality is it can never happen

and for that I heart broken

7 comments:

Angela E. Lackey said...

I'm so sorry...You do deserve better.

{{{Hugs}}}
Angela

flaweddesign said...

hun i've been thing about you lately. glad you posted. you do deserve better. you don't deserve to be a secret. i've been there and it's just draining on the self esteem. you deserve WAY more than just not being hit!!!!! so much more. you deserve some one who loves and cherishes you and protects you even from yourself. xoxo

In the Pink said...

Be kind to yourself and put you first. You deserve more than an affair. Best wishes.

Zena said...

Thankyou all so much, I wish I did, sometimes I feel like I do (deserve more) I know I want more, I want a partner, someone to help me, be there for me, lift me up, make me laugh, someone to cook for and make a home for, ... Im going to look for a job because I am so depressed about not making my own money, I plan on going to school soon...I thought maybe early education, because the hours are perfect for my kids, but its not much money, maybe nursing, maybe a LPN to start with I need something that makes me feel whole, I am pretty low these days because I assume my own choices are poor, I am trying to be productive but all I did today was sleep with alyssa ( who is sick)...my eating is getting a bit tricky again, I dont eat much at all during the day, I do eat dinner and try to eat various things but I have been counting again, always a sign things will go down hill, I do need to lose some weight, I just wish I could do it in a way that wasnt harmful to my health but I dont know any other way...I should start to exercise again, but Im to lazy ( depressed) besides it just becomes obsessive...I notice that when I am sick of all the other crap in my life I turn to ED, notice I went from talking about what I want to talking about ED, its easier in a way...Im sipping on coffee right now and because I havent been awake all day it means I wont eat til dinner, im not hungry anyway...just sad, I think I may start writing again...it feels better to get it out, I miss blogging and reading about everyones lives, Im just so paranoid I will be found out...okay time for a smoke, thats something I would also like to change.....sigh


Love, Tara

kris said...

I know that I don't know you as well as the other people who posted here, but I can tell just by reading what you write that you deserve better.

You've been through so so much and I think it's understandable to need a companion and have someone you can lean on for a while. Maybe this guy is there for you until you build the strength to move on and find someone else or be strong on your own. Either way, you sound like a wonderful person and you deserve the same in return.

((hugs))

belinda said...

my darling girl,
i miss you so much. we've lost touch and my heart hurts.

you deserve the world my girl, nothing but the best. i wish R could give you that but it's not that way :(

i hear you, i do, i get what you are saying about wanting to be making dinner for someone (or someone doing it for you), to come home to peace not war. i get all of it.

i think a job for you is a fabulous idea and could do you wonders. i'm a big believer in earning ones own cash being good for the self esteem.

i love you so much
contact me soon (via blog, email or text). i feel lost without you.

x

firefly said...

Worried about you. Blog to let us know. I haven't been blog world much but I miss you hugs!