Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Stuck in the past but moving foward

Im trying to anyway...Im trying to get into nursing school in the fall, there is a test I need to take in 2 weeks and I need to be in the top 15% to get into the program, Im making strides with the kids, Im down to once a week therapy, every other week K (dietition) and every other week pdoc, seeing them all so often was just so time consuming, expensive and really I feel like right now I cant be bothered, it keeps me in "sick" mode, it makes me feels helpless and needy and I dont want to be those things...on the other hand I feel the ED pulling at me, I havent eaten much the last few days, anxiety is up and Im generally exhausted, scared about going back to school and really missing my husband, like terriably, I miss having a partner, Im so lonely, so so deeply lonely, I cry cause Im alone....things with R are still the same nearly 6 months of this, its so stupid on my part, but again Im lonely and still afraid of a real relationship, its my way of keeping myself safe, he gets jealous and protective, both feel good yet scare me, I think I have forgotten the bad parts of Mike and seem to be only remembering the good, I want my kids to have a dad, I want their dad, when Isaiah grows up he will say my dad died when I was two, hes four now and really I think he may have forgotten him, he hasnt mentioned him in months and months, I guess its good cause hes not in as much pain as Alyssa, but he wont remember him when hes older either and that saddens me very greatly, its been 15 months, I seem to go through phases where I am busy and trying to move forward and then I seem to get really stuck in the past, missing him and of that night...

anyway, I have missed blogging tremendously, I need to start writing again, I have missed you all, this entry may have seemed blahhh, but im doing better then I was three months ago, just sad lonely and instead of using my healthy coping skills, The Ed feels very alluring...very very alluring, but my logical mind knows that if I want to go school I MUST stay healthy, it just has to happen, I will do my best and keep trying to move forward, after all, the past is gone and cant be relieved, I really have no other choice.

Love you all


Lisa said...

I'm glad you're back hun. We need to chat more on fb :)

Also- the nursing school thing - CAN I DO IT TOOOO? Im glad you've got your foot in the door and that you're shooting for things again.

Moving forward is a great thing. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!



kris said...

It sounds like you're taking so many positive steps forward -- and I'm really happy for you there! I also thought that reducing the number of doctor appointments helped me in my recovery. Like you said, having too many seems to make you feel more sick and less able to live a 'normal' life. It's still good to have them there every once in a while to fall back on if you need them, but nice to have some freedom to live on your own too.

I'll keep my fingers crossed about the nursing test!! And, don't worry too much about top 15% stuff, sometimes the numbers they give are just approximations that help their program sound better; I imagine that they'll also look at your other qualities and what else you bring to the table. Best of luck!!!


battleinmind said...

I'm so glad to read a post from you! Was wondering how you were. I'm off to nursing school in September as well :) So glad you are making progress, God's with you every step.

Angela E. Lackey said...

I'm sorry you are so lonely. That is one of the worst feelings in the world. But you deserve a real relationship, and hopefully you will see that some day.

You are always in my thoughts and prayers.