Sunday, June 19, 2011

Fathers day

I dont know why I thought the day would pass as "just another day"...nothing about my life the last 15 months has been just another day, everthing is always harder...I woke up with a knot in my stomach, hoping the day would just dissapear. But it didnt. Alyssa wanted to go to the cematary, we bought ballons and we sat at the grave for a good hour...I was ready to leave but she wasnt, 100 questions later I told we had to go. It was heartbreaking, she wants to buried next her dad, what 8 yr old thinks about her own death like that, I still cant believe he is really dead, gone forever, Its days like these that make me think I will never really be whole again...the night flashed through my mind in bits in pieces, like one broken up nightmare. Screaming, thrashing, lights, sirens, people in and out, crying, watching my sleeping children, praying morning wouldnt come, it was allso surreal, throwing myself on top of the coffin, trying them to prevent it from being lowered in, someone dragging me away, carrying me to a car, yelling at me to get it together.

some days it feels like yesterday and sometimes it feels like its forever, today is one of those days that it feels like it just happened. Wounds are reopened, fears of the future, and nightmares of the past, all surface like the tides of ocean...in and out the scenes come in like the crashing of waves. You can make footprints in the sand, and the water rushes in and erases them. If that what these lifes are???Just footprints in the sand waiting to be erased. I refuse to believe that, but days like today make all to easy to want to my footprint to be erased, all it would take is one crashing wave...

2 comments:

Lisa said...

oh huney :(

I'm sorry that things have been so difficult for you.

Hang in there okay?
xoxo
-Lisa

Angela E. Lackey said...

I'm so sorry. Please call me if you need to.

{{{Hugs}}}
Angela