How was your christmas???...MINE BLEW!!!!

well m lovelies I hope you all had a wonderful christmas...with all the gifts and wonder and joy that the birth of christ can bring you!! I hope you all sipped egg nog (I personally have never tried it but that shouldnt stop you)...any who I wont keep you in suspence I am sure you are all wondering why OH why did my christmas suck...well it wasnt cause I could feel the presence of our lord or anything or that the kids didnt get enough from santa cause lordy did they...mucho stuff let me tell you!! but alas I spent christmas eve in the ER of the major medical center in our area...yes its a wonderful place I have spent many a days AND nights in that wonderful place...oh the care is impecable...but its not really where I would like to spend my cristmas eve ya know?? NO NO NO it tis not I that was the patient but my precious baby girl :(

you see it started wednesday night around 8:45 pm alyssa was playing the WII and suddenly when it was time to go to bed... alyssa got into bed and started complaining of a terriable headache...now you know Alyssa is a drama queen so my first thought is okay lets pray...she readily agrees and we pray and I assume she is just over tired and will feel better in the morning I mean no way did I think she was really sick I mean she was fine just five minutes earlier...but I have great luck so I should have know what was to come...she starts to cry "mommy it really hurts its pulsing" okay I think well lets get some tylonal that eals everything ( kinda like windex in "my big fat greek wedding") if you havent see the movie then watch its funny and then you will know what i am talking about! anyway...I go down stairs to get the said tylonal... I walk back up the stairs and she runs past me flying into the bathroom....yes blowing chunks big ones all over our porcilin bowl...it was fun and the poor thing starts to cry...no biggie I think her headache just made her nausaus... all will be better in the morning.

well you know I have shit ass luck so I wake up around 4 m and check her...her temp although she did not have one when she went to bed was now 104.5 yes...so i have orange motrin for kids thats all I have left she wont take it...ONLY PURPLE...aka grape flavored...grrrr..run to my moms room ( thankgoodness for moms) " mom you gotta watch alyssa I need purple tylonal ...she stumbles out of bed to watch alyssa...I run to pricechopper (thankgoodness they are open all night) scan the the shelves find grape motrin ....run home and pour it down her throat... I being naive think all will be well...oh silly me...silly me... 8 am fever down feeling safer...let my gaurd down...fever rises again...only to 102... give motrin fever breaks... all is well...so one thinks...suddenly around 2pm i check her fever (now all the while her head still hurts really bad...she cant lift her head off the pillow) so I give her motrin... nothing happens...temp still goes up...4pm fever 104.5...and the poor child cant open her eyes and when she does she starts saying funny stuff...not making any sense...saying funny ( well really not funny...but you know what I mean)...medicine not working..I call pediatrition ...her advice after I tell her all alyssas symptoms...if fever and or halucinations dont stop in 15 min GO TO ER...Im thinking her swine flu vaccine didnt work...shes thinking mennigitis... I tweak...call mom...shes five minutes away...20 min go by still high fever still acting wierd...I rush her to ER...they rush us into a room cause I guess menigitis is not something to fool around ...her pulse is 134 high for a 6 yr old...bp is high...shes upset Im upset and did I mention she has been continously vomiting since 8:45 the previous night...so yes she is also dehydrated...oh this is fun stuff Im thinking... they load her with motrin and tylanol...something to make her stop puking and 1oz of gingerale every 5 minutes ( after the puking stopped)...they took urine samples ( yes shes dehydrated) but since the puking has now stopped thanks to the anti-puking medicine... 5 hours later after her vitals stabilize they discharge with the conclusion she as a severe dangerous viral infection ... they give her a does of tamiflu... give me a script to fill the tamiflu...but no med incase the puking starts again cause apparetly she s to little to take it on a regular basis... so we get home ( NO PHARMACY is OPEN on christmas eve at 9:15pm) stupid asshole ER docs... 10:15 pm...the puking resumes and I am not a happy girl.... I give the anti fever meds every 2 hours so fever stays away... 6:30 am no puking for 3 hours no fever yeah I think its gonna be over soon... she wants to go to her dads to see what santa brought her there ( that was the deal he has them christmas morning I get them at 2) so I warm up car back all meds and tissues and crackers I can think of dress her wrap her in blankets and drag her to her dads...I give him strict istructions on what to do and to call if she she takes a turn for the worse... no phone calls I assume all is well.. I start cooking for chhristmas dinner..listening to christmas carols... thinking all shall be well...12:15 pm call from ex..."shes really sick, i gave her the medicine but all she wants to do is sleep and now she cant breath...grrrrr things r getting even better...bring her home I say " I can take care of her just as well as you can " he says...asshole...now her being sick is about him...( did I menntion he texted me all morning how this was the worst christmas of his life, How could I have left him...he deserves another chance...im selfish...his life is ruined ad I dont cant...numerous texts all while his sick daughter lies in bed moaning) 2:00 pm he brings me the kids... I give her more motrin...some sprite(which she wont drink) cover her in blankets and pray over her ...she seems to be feeling better...okay i think...its gonna be okay...we sit down at 5 to open presents ( there is allot) it takes an hour for the 3 of the kids to open all their gifts....she sits on couch trying to smile...shes sick and weak...and I carry her upstairs try to make her comfortable...give her more medicine...cover her up and she falls asleep...I go down stairs...take turkey out of oven get all other items warmed up and served...step father says grace...I got up to check on alyssa shes still sleeping...check her...fevers back up...great give her more medicine....she goes back to sleep..I start to clean up gifts and wrapping paper and the dinner table ( that I didnt eat at)....check on boys they are good no signs of illness...they are laughing and playing....9:00pm put tired boys to bed...finally lay down...3:00am....alyssas up...and yes she puking....now I know she is dehydrated... 8:00am call on call doc....fill tamiflu precription....buy every pedialyte and gatorade product known to man...doc says if she doesnt pee in next 8 hours she has to go back to er for iv fluids and possiable admission....I tell her this and while I am at walmart getting script..I find anti puking medicine thats okay for kids....score one for mom....K get home doing 1oz of gatorade every 10 min...she is not happy and is not making it easy...with 1 hour and 40 min to spare she pees...not much but enough to keep her out of ER...whew...sigh of relief...sunday she still feels like crap still wont eat and will only drink if I either give her medicine ( cause it tastes bad) or threaten her with hospital...it works barely....I think she is better cause I give her a shower some more medicine and she is able to sit with me and make bracelets... we watch matilda (its a good movie) her father calls its his day...( we go through I can take care of her just as well as you can thing...blah blah blah) I bring all three of them to assholes...9:15 monday morning I get a phone call when are you comeing to get them shes still sick and now Im gonna get it....jackass....take some meds and move on our daughters sick...I tell him Ill be there by 11 ( I had an appointment with K...another story will get to that later) pick up kids she feels like crap...zack doesnt like all the attention alyssas getting so now hes "sick" too....we go home after stopping for lots of tissues and gatorade...now her fever has broke but shes nnot moving...nor drinking ....nor eating...and now green stuff is flowing from her nose...like a freaking faucet...it was so gross...her nose is raw from all the rubbing and wiping...and I am exhausted! yesterday...I think great now she has a bacterial infection...call doctor...take her back...glands still swollen full of green crap BUT it is comeing out and she is still sipping enough gatorade to keep her semi hydrated...instructions keep doing what I am doing this will get better shes on the tail end...if fever or vomiting return...go back to ER....last night she was clearly feeling better ( aka fighting with Zack...so Im thinking well shes better for the most part and then I think... I liked her better not moving on the couch...:) ) so I put them to bed and I think the death sickness is finally over...a breath a sigh of relief....and then my little man comes to me and says "head hurts...head hurts" ...i check him fever 101 crap.. give him baby tylonal bring him upstairs annd put him to bed....5 min later he pukes....ALL OVER....here we go again.... like seriously god if your listening we have been through enough...let Isaiah wake up well.... I CANT TAKE ANYMORE!!!!!...we were up at 4 with fever and crying... he is sleeping now....and I am trying to breath!


So that was my christmas:( oh you want to know about me well that will have to "weight" til another time... my but hurts from sitting and clearly this post is long enough and full of enough depressing news no need to bring you anymore down...hey guys..I know you all had to have had great christmas's I mean I took all the bad enough for all... so could you let me know how great your day was... I could really use some holiday cheer...cause really

Losses

I havent had a computer for a few days and I had intended this post to be an update about what has been happening in my life..cause really allot has been going on...Im still purge free...which is good...really struggling with intake and have been really enjoying my time spent with the boost...sarcasm...in a major way!!!

But really I feel something much more pressing needs to be talked about...and this I know will really hit some of us in a more personal way and is majorly difficult to talk about but really I have to talk about because its causing my insides to ache...in the last 6 months I have known of 3 people that were either directly connected to me or connected to someone that I care deeply for and these 3 people have taken their own lives...all by the same method....most recently my future brother in laws best friend killed himself on monday...he was to be the best man in thier upcoming wedding this fall and now both my sister and her fiance are devasted...I say this to point out that yes the poor souls that ended thier lives were despertly suffering and obviously not in their rational mind. They ended what in most case is a temporary problem with is what is obviously a permenant solution. Their pain was ended but those that remain their pain is just beginning...my sister and her fiances family are devasted...as am I because I can relate to the feeling of just not wanting to deal with my own pain anymore and I am sure that many if not all of you have at one time or another have dealt with those feelings...lucky for us we were provided with the care and support that we needed so thatwe didnt take those drastic measures...or (did) we...

I mean really folks lets face it. What we are doing to ourselves is suicide...yeah it takes allot longer that taking a bunch of pills or tying a rope around our neck but it has the same result! WE WILL DIE!!! I mean what will it take to get it through our thick skulls THIS WILL kill us for some it may happen slowly over years..or maybe we will die a sudden heart attack but the result in the end is the same...we'll be dead. And that my friends is irreverciable there is no coming back once your dead. I hate to be such a downer but really I feel this is something that I had to say. Eating disorders are a vial and disgusting disease.... we need to fight harder, we need to do whatever it takes to survive. we were put here for a purpose... and I can gaurante that it wasnt to suffer the way we have been suffering. Its time for us to live. Its time to be free!!!

I m sorry if I sound like Im lecturing you that is not my intention...i just want you all to know how valuable you all are and even when you dont feel like you are worth fighting for know that you are invaluable to your loved ones...if the thoughts wont leave you alone just imagine someone you love staring at you over your coffin.

I love you all...please keep fighting!!!


Love, Tara

3 months and 6 days

PURGE FREE!!!!!

I have allot to say but want to see if this private thing worked....if you were able to get in and read please leave me a comment and let me know so I can update on my life...you can also visit me on facebook...Tara Bovee Mackey theres no pic yet...but there will be one soon...just dont get to personal...if ya know what i mean...im parannoid lately...although Mike has been blocked from my profile.. Im still a little nervous...hope you are all well... and if anyone knows lauras (NOW IS NOW ) email let me know.. i want to invite her too...okay love you all!!

Love, Tara

going private....

I hate to do this but I feel it necessary if I am going to be able to continue to write my true thoughts and feelings...could any of you who would like to be invited please email me at mackeytara6@gmail.com


Love,Tara

do you really think these people care about u like i do i dont think so. im glad your happy,but your crazy to think all these people on this blog are your freinds. i love you and would die for you. we had problems i admit that but you always put your blogger freinds before me. do they love you and would they die for you or our kids.i miss you and am in treatment to get better. i love you more than anything in this world besides our kids.your friends on your blog dont even know me. to all you people on her blog you shouldnt judge me you dont even know me.tara i miss you and am nothing with out you. i miss our kids. you where sick for a long time. i tried my best to cope. iguess i failed. how many of you people on this blog have husbands or kids and how did they deal with your disorder.i need another chance im sober and sorry i need you and miss you i cry myself to sleep every night. if your happy with out me thats good i wish you the best of luck.im not happy with out you. my world feel a part when you left.

hi tara im glad your happy. im not

Im alive and actually HAPPY!!!!

okay I know I should have been a better friend to all of you and tried to let you know what was going on but due to circumstances I just couldnt...but now I have computer access and I am back....SOOOOOO much has been going on....soso much. I didnt mean to worry all of you but I had to go into seclusion. do some major thinking and overhaul my life.... I have left MIKE...for good...we are getting divorced, something needed to happen for a long time but i just didnt have the guts...it was either stay with Mike and keep my ed or leave and become free...believe me I still struggle but I am doing so much better!!!!!

I have so much to tell you guys but Isaiah needs me right now....

I will be back tonight

I LOVE YOU ALL

and I am so sorry from the depths of my heart that I scared you all...I promise NEVER to do it again...I swears!!!

LOVE, Tara

Im sorry

I know that, that does not even begin to say what i mean...meaning i am sorry for leaving you all hanging thinking bad thoughts like maybe she is in the hospital or dead or something...I mean really the way my last 2 weeks have been going I might have been better off dead...seriously things have been ummmm shit-tastic!!!

The kids have started school...all is well there...they love school...I have been sticking to a quite a strict scheduale....and they have been doing better...BUT the weekends come and all hell breaks loose like no structure...crazy choas...mosters fighting and yelling and wreaking havoc on my sanity...which i might say is ina very fragile place right now...like yesterday I had a serious meltdown cause my 3 not just 2 but 3 children decieded to take ALL thier clothes all of there drawers and throw tehm around thier rooms...so yeah I FLIPPed...I mean I spent all week doing approximently 35 loads of laundry washing drying and putting away everything that we all own and they singly handedly destroyed all my hard work in about 5 minutes...so yeah maybe my lamictal had a momentary laspe in working and I flipped...and threw a toy against the wall ... no one was there except me and my anger... I dont know why i got so angry but I did and I felt terriable and of course that affected my food but I digress...you know what apon pondering my anger it was most likely directed at my husband who has although not in the last week been a ass has ofcourse had his moments ...to the point that a week ago I was SERIOUSLY thinking about filieng for divorce...like for reals...but we are going to marriage counceling and hopefully we will figure stuff out...

So anyway ...to top off my tremendoully wonderful two weeks I wrecked my car on friday...like with all three kids in the car...I rear ended some really nice dude on my way to bringing the kiddies to school...so maybe that was why I was so angry....things have been a mess and my desire to write has been nil...but now that I am writting... I thinkI will be writting allot more...cause I have allot more to say...i have to get ready for church but I have not even begun to explain how crazy the last 2 weeks have been...guess its a good reason NOT to stop blogging cause man have I got allot to catch you guys up on...but I must end on a positive note...tTHE 3.5 hours of me and baby time has been TERRIFIC!!!!! we laugh and tickle and read and it stupendous!!!

okay my sweet lovelies I have missed you so and whether you like it or NOT I am back and will catch up on all your lovely lives a bit later today...just thought I would let you know I have not been eaten by lions ...at least not yet although that might be in the realm of possiabiltys seeing the direction my karma has been going ...

Love you all Tara

A decision!!!

okay my internet shit the bed yesterday...so sorry I wasnt around but i did do allot of thinking....starting in january I am GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!

early childhood education....as you all know I LOVE KIDS... want em...need em...love em...gotta have em...

SO I am going to teach them!!! I am SOOOOO excited!!!! like for reals, havent felt this good or confident about anything in a LONG LONG LIKE FOREVER TIME!!

I will start slow... a class or two on the either the weekends (if I am watching that baby) or early afternoon a couple days a week if i am not...I CANT WAIT!!!


am I nervous..ummm yeah...I mean every time I went to collage i was forced with a medical withdrawel cause of stupid things like passing out and what not....but NOT anymore... I am in recovery and part of Recovery is thinking about the ummmmm....FUTURE....something i have NOT allowed myself to think about...even for a second...but here I am thinking about the future.

I really am SOOOOOOOOOO excited, I cant beleive it... I couldnt even email S my decision ysterday cause ummm NO INTERNET....I mean we talked about it but it was just talk.... NOW I AM SURE... guess Ill suprize her tomorrow...

okay yesterday was a shit day...starting right after my Pdoc appointment...walked out to a flat tire....so yeah my day went great from there...Ill spare you the details...just know that even if my internet wasnt dead i probally would nt have been around anyway cause I after sitting on my bum for 2 hours waiting for mike to get there and then the fixing of the tire...i had to run around like an idiot trying to get stuff done like Alyssas physical...where after I had a melt down cause they told me she is bordering on being overwieght...yes she a little chubby (very little) but she is built like a rock...lots of muscle and big boned..BMI s dont take any of that into consideration...anyway...i had a momentary flip out, ran to the store to buy all "healthy" food and teh whole time imagined what would happen if I tried to control my daughters food...ie shell bee IP by 9 cause Eds run in my family and Ill give her a nervous breakdown...so i collected myself...kinda... and decieded to just offer her better food choices..I needed to do that anyway...BUT I WILL NOT MAKE HER NOR I NUTS OVER THIS!!!

okay I mean you have all seen her ...she s NOT fat...right??? and even if she were...there are worse things she could be...like a childhood serial killer or freak it...she could be really sick like with something bad... like cancer...not just bordering on bordering being overwieght...

okay Ill leave now cause Iam working myself up...did I mention I am going to school...eyes on the prize Tara...eyes on the prize!!!

love you all

tara

short and sweet

all I have to say is that after 3 days with ED my life is a mess...I am a mess(thoughts) and its just not freaking worth it!!! I am going back on my MP as of dinner tonight....I dont care if Ed tells me Im a big fat cow...I dont care how loud he screams to do bad things to my body!!! IM NOT LISTNING!!! I swears...thank god I see S tomorrow! She knock some sense into me...ugh..I forgot how miserable Ed makes me...glad I remembered before it was to late...door locked, window SUPER GLUED shut, I am turning off my phone and there is no way he can reach me now...and even if he does...I ll just tell him my peeps are comeing to kick his ass ( you guys) youll do that for me right?...youll risk a black eye or 2 to kick his ass right?? yeah I knew you would!!!

out my friends..I got dinner to prepare!!

love you all and hope you are all well and fighting!!

Love, T

Not now...please not ever...

yesterday started off inocently....i woke up....had my coffee...took my meds...blogged...and somewhere between the bathroom and the kitchen ED showed up. "Dont eat til yor so hungry youll puke" he said..."what?' i couldnt have heard that right, so I went on my merry way poured another cup of coffee and went and sat on the couch to watch sponge bob with the baby...its a secrect so dont tell any one BUT I LOVE SPONGE BOB, I think its hilarious, but anyway...so now its 10...been up since 7, figureed it was time to make breafast...so i went back to the kitchen and again I heard teh fucking voice...louder this time "I SAID NO FOOD!!!" what? i thought again where is this comeing from , i turned around to see if so other force like maybe an alien invasion had come down to earth and was saying these things to me...nope no aliens....what was I going to do...by now there was a full fledged war going on in my head...breakfast...no...but...no...but...I said NO!!! now its 10:30, practiclly lunch time...okay not really but was like just wait...see by now I knew it was ED and it was starting to piss me off, I mean who is he to tell me what to do? well I knew full well who he was ...he was my long time friend, comfort, great love of my life...now turned nemisis. so i made the eggs (2) counted the calories, counted how many caloried were in my milk from my coffee and thought phew...im okay Im under...thats when it happened...the magic number was given to me...from where it came from i dont know but it was there blasting into my brain, screaming at me...feeling weak and very pansied ass i couldnt take the screaming in my head so i listened...and I counted....what i could have for lunch, when I could have it...dinner...what it was to be and when....(eggs...my old safe food was the order of the day) (2) for lunch around 3 after I ofcourse had seen K and told her I would follow my food plan...teh plan to keep me strong and healthy and thinking clearly, i told her about the voice fighting that was goign on in my head...she takled to me...she even talked to Ed...and I left cofindant I would eat a propper lunch and that would lead to a proper dinner but I didnt...i ate the stupid eggs again...went to teh grocery store, bought soem diapers and gas and some crap for the kids to eat...got home...its now 6:30 and of course Iam hungry cause all I had eaten was four eggs and 2 cups of coffee..and you know what i started to feel powerful, strong like...like wow I could still do this...so you guessed it i had (2) more eggs for dinner and added a baked potatoe...I was under the magic number Ed had told me earlier in the day and I felt GOOD!!! My friend was back!!!

I was planning on chilling with him just for a day...but we all know ED doesnt work that way...he moves in quickly and quitely...or sometime not so quietly as evidence from the early morning screaming session we had had earlier in the day...so here I am up drinking my coffee and thinking okay just one more day...Ed likes to hand around even when he is an unwanted guest...hes rude like that, he has no manners and is bossy...I mean really he not someone I would choose to be friends with, so why am i letting him hang out with me...whats goign on that I feel out of control, so I am letting this dude give me some...

the kids are starting school soon...while they are excited I am scared always am...I freak out dont know why but I did it last year and ended up in the hospital but I can NOT and will NOT allow this to happen, I am stronger now...i know more...I am wiser (wise mind)...

well it doesnt change or help things that I feel fat ( like as in king size killer whale fat)...and he promised to help me with that...and I know he can, I mean we have done it before many a times...but IT CANT HAPPEN!!! I need to kick his ass to the curb...the only problem is I dont want to...i want to feel like I felt yesterday...I want to feel in control...i cant go down this road..I know where it leads...and its NO WHERE GOOD!!! NOT NOW.... NOT EVER... I wnat to tell you I will follow Ks nutrition plan...but I DONT KNOW, I mean...fear is gripping me ( like as in that old fear if you let go "Ill leave you forever fear" and i know you are all probally thinking let it go...in fact you are probally SCREAMING THE COMPUTER...SAYING WTF IS SHE THINKING? the thing is folks i am not thinking...I am being lead....I need some help today...I need some good old fashioned adice on ass kicking ED, it took allot of arguing with ED this morning to even write this ....to ask for help..but I am doing it...I cant promise I will follow my Mp but I also know that magic number is only magic if I want to be in the hospital or dead...and that is not what I want...so some good old ass kicking is in order...got it in you folks..feel like kicking some ass today...I dont ...so could you just kick it for me...I mean please my peeps...Im sending out an SOS before I lose all control ( which is far from happening but we all know its just a matter of time)

hit me with it folks...i need it...like for reals ...i think if I dont stop it today it might be to late...EDs an alluring little devil...I have been avoiding posting this cause well I felt liek I needed to be strong but the thoughts have been there for awhile and now teh actions are following and this can not happen...not now NOT EVER!!!!


love you all

Tara

Im quiting

recovery is to hard..I dont wnat to do it anymore..I have been in recovery for three months and it sucks...i am to fat, i feel gross, i cant stand my body..i want to be thin again...I may quit therapy too...and seeing K and eveythingelse that goes along with Recovery from an ED!!!!






Okay okay ...im not quiting Recovery but i am quiting something....





SMOKING!!!!


GOT YA!!! :)

did I scare ANY of you?? Did anyone start to freakout with all the thoughts this chic will never get well?? BET YOU DID!!!

well I am quiting smoking TODAY!!! NOt cause i want to or cause I am afraid of dying of lung cancer or anything but because it is SO dam EXPENSIVE!!! and we are super poor...and M doesnt get paid til thursday read...6 days away...so i figure NOW would be a good time to quit...so be prepared...Im gonna be a bitch...Im gonna be a tell you like it is...sit on my hands and slap my face kinda of girl at least for a little while...

so now I am working on two bloody things..recovery from an Ed and a smoking addiction...blahhhhh

did I at least get your shorts in a bunch??

that was my point...I wanted to shock you!!!

okay peeps here is to day one...wish me luck and hope I dont piss anyone off to much or maybe i should say...hope they dont piss me off to much...okay world get out of my way...Im on my way to a smoke free life...damit all...

one more vice down the shitter....

it will be good for...at least that s what I am telling myself....


encourage me...love me...tell me how strong and great i am ...just because...I wnat you too!!!

love you all

Tara

So Ill say it...

FUCK it I am crying...



I want another baby...like for reals...and I cant have one...I mean I can but M cant he had his stuff snipped...and I am longing...longing for another wee one to hold and nurture and to mold into a vital menbe of society...it seems like every one in RT and in BT (blogtime) is either having a baby ( meaning being pregnant) has had a baby...as in just gave birth or is contemplating having a baby...i can do NONE of those ansd it make SO SAD!!!

Isaiah is 2.4 years old...he is my baby...and you know what he is not getting younger, in fact quite the opposite ...he is getting ...shock to say...older...and really I freaking HATE IT !!!! every gosh darn minute of it...I dont thinkI would feel so bad if I thought that maybe some day it could be a possiabilty but its not, and to think that at 29 I have had my last childbirth really sucks...and needless to say i have never really been well durning my pregnancys (except where I ate cool ranch doritos while pregnant with ALyssa)..they were always soem sort of a stuggle whether it was to gain enough or not to run to much or not to freak out over every gained pound.. i dont knwo I guess I just want a chance to do it right..you know??

and I feel like right NOW I could and as time progresses I would get better at doing it right!!!

BUT I know it can NEVER happen and really that just plain old SUCKS!!


a lovely whine by Z....hug me ..hold me...tell me I can I have your kid...just do something cause this feeling blows...I WANT ANOTHER BABY!!!

and until I get one....Isaiah is NOT allowed to grow...do you hear me GOD....Baby man can not age....like ever..

okay Love you all..will pay for your babies and have a nice night...I may have to snuggle with the babes cause I am SAD!!!

Love Tara

so I realized...part 2

I broke up with Ed along time ago and I am not going back not even for a day...we dont mesh anymore..one day with him leads to a life of hell!!! ummmmm so not worth it...yeah really SO NOT WORTH IT...

So yesterday after i met with S "ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THEN WORDS" is what I came away with and she said I talk a good game but ummm flounder on the actions part...so I went homme and had lunch...berries and yogurt..yummo!! snack around 4 and dinner at chuck e cheess casue my kids hada birthday party there so yes dinner was pizza!!!

So I told ED to fuck off I didnt need him any more...and although I dont entirely believe it...I am going with my rational and wise mind and its telling me I knwo the truth and I am sticking to it...

O I had a laspe in thinking...it happens to the best of us...but I have regained my wise mind and am ummm ate even though it was fucking hard its not as hard as living with ED...this I kow for sure so instead of being a willfull ED chic...I am being the wise mother that my kids so need and deserve...today.breakfast any minute...lunch with kiddies..beach...and cleaning and umm it looks like a BBQ is in order as its suppossed to be HOT!!!

tommorrow teh last of Z mans birthday partys and hoffmans and it looks like it will be HOT for that too...busy weekend NO time for ED...so ED buzz off I have a life!!!

and Im not taking any of your crap!!!

oh yeah cheer me on a and join the "NO ED BAND WAGON" Im on board...whos with me??

Love you all my peeps

Tara

So i realized...

Its been three days since I blogged..i have been so busy in everyone elses lives..blogs..i have forgotten about me, whichin the grand scheme of things seems to be what I do...I mean really who a I..to need space... attention..love..I am no one...just some one who is living in this so called world...not much happening in my life...we are reading ALLOT..they(thekids) are really into it...alyssa is doing so well and Z man is not far behind her..we went to walmart today and bought three new books...loook here they are right now asking me to read..I should be EXCITED and reallyI am...i just want a moment a moment to be mine...oh well so my life is consumed by others who are not me..is that so bad? no not really...I mean S says it is...she says i need to cARVE OUT AN HOUR A DAY TO SPEND ON ME...and blogging doesnt count...she said I need a life...a life outside of my kids and definately outside my Ed....but i find that really hard...I mean Iam either my kids mother or the chic with the ED...take your pick...lately I have been my kids mother..BUT I havebee really wanting to be teh chic with the ED. It gave me an identity...I mean after all its been 14 plus years..and I have only been a mom for 6 plus so who wins out...apparently my kids cause I am sticking to the mom thing as much as it SUCKS being fat..>i am a better mother fat...everyone agrees and I am sure you all do to...but you have to kno where this is going ...i have to test it out..to see if me and Ed can hang and be a good mom...today was /is the test...I restricted...and geez it felt GOOD...but and although I was still a good mom today...(cause I felt a live and light and free) I know it wont last...it will end in tragedy...it always does..me and ED we no longer get along..I fall fast and quick...and really who needs that...certainly not my kids..certainly not...me???

I mean I feel I DESERVE TO FALL...after all I SUCK...I am fat and lazy and ugly and above all USELESS...but as S would say iam verbally abusive to myself ..so I cant listen to my emotional mind..cause that s like talking out my ass...I need to listen to my WISE mind and say FUCK IT ALL TO HELL...recovery no matter how fat it makes me is worth it..I mean the pros far out wiegh the cons....i mean really I would be foolish not to see it....so folks one day with ED makes me happy...life with ED makes me ummmm...sad...miserable..and USELESS...well that sounds familiar doesnt it...okay okay,..me and ED are breaking up tomorrow...just give a day to feel you know free and light and productive and well usefull...I know its a joke you dont have to convince me... just let me live in my small little world for one day..just one day PLEASE...


I wish I wasnt so screwed up but well you signed up for my craziness when you decieded to read..tough luck to you all who think i m stupid...or useless or whatever...it s me..Im here an dI am ready for a fight...against ED...not you..but really canI just do it tomorrow...Im too tired today..sigh....

alright I will sign of before I press DELETE!!!!

Love ME

Frozen Waffels

silly Title but thats what my kids are eating right now...I know gross...they are wierd..it wasnt thier breakfast..they had breakfast...bagles and cream cheese...but now they are eating FROZEN WAFFELS....

I am sick...like I feel like I am going to puke...to much coffee...sadness...anger..depression...All those feeling that SUCK!!!

SO UMMMM I asked Mike to leave cause he had another freak out Saturday night...He wont leave...grrrrr...i just wont talk to him....hes crying saying hes sorry all the same crap I have heard a 1001 times....I am NUMB..well maybe not cause I feel sick so i must be feeling something...but really I DONT want to do this anymore...I wnat to be FREE!!!!!!!

Free of this bullshit

FREE of ED

Free of living in this NIGHTMARE...

he doesnt love me...he says he does but who would treat someone they love like this...no one I know...except well...HIM...BASTARD...

He says he wont drink...bullshit...If he leaves and goes to his parents he wont drink cause they wont let him... SO WHY WONT HE LEAVE??

WHY wont this nightmare END...???

seriously what did I do in this life to deserve this crap...tell me?? will you please...cause I am about to quit...oh wait I cant cause I have kids and they need me cause I guess they need someone to get them frozen waffels...

CRAP....I NEED SOME GUIDANCE...Like for REALS...

should I just say okay and let him try again?? or should I just say enough is enough?? I m leaning to the latter but ...there is always a but...I have nothing ...no money...no house... no insurance...I am a stay at home mom for goodness sake...maybe I should just suck it up...

or maybe I should just cry or scream or maybe...

I dont know maybe I should eat a frozen waffel??

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Love, Tara

Support needed...floundering

yesterday was a bad day very restrictive...Ill spare you the details......just know some encouraging words would be appreciated...thats it..jsut need some loving today...

oh and this is me...fat and all..it may not stay up long..but I fired i should put a face to teh name..

Love, Tara

14 years

For 14 years i have had an Ed...it started my freahman year in high school so I guess it was really 15 years ago but I say 14 cause after a 6 month bout of anorexia...i stopped cold turkey...gained a bunch of wieght and felt so sick about O could stand it...My mother got remarried and I saw myself in teh pictures and about died.

It was then that my Ed truley began...I started off slow that no one notice, slowly cutting back here and there, and teh wieght began to fall off...I started to exercise, i joined a crew team(rowing) and my coach always emphasized the need to have a lighter boat so that we would move faster, my eating improved so that I would have teh energy to do the workouts, but after an hour of running for conditioning are stamia we would do an hour of heavy rowing sprints, long distancing, and erg work I would be exhausted but that didnt stop me, i would go for another hour long run after practice because I wanted to be the BEST and I was good, I was one of the best ...not to brag :) but really I was good even though I am short 5'4, but thus began my complusion with exercise, I wasnt really restricting too much but i was eating far less then would be required to maintain my wieght, so of course I lost again...and it felt good, to be strong and in control and productive...I excelled in my sport and although it was a spring sport I that lasted for four months I took up track durning the off season, would do our 90 minute practices and then return home to run again...i was on top of the world living on a exercise high...all the time...It was at that point I began to restrict my food again...I began very sick and my mom at 16 formed an intervention...my pastor a nurse and her sat me down and told me I would have to eat or I would die, this all came to furition after my mother causeght me changing my clothes and freaked out...your going to die she screamed and thus the intervention began...my first step to recovery was to eat granola...in front of them...I promised them it would stop and my mom and the rest of the intervention team believed me...It was then I begam out of control with the binging again...as we all know if you dont have formal tx and dont know how to eat, you begum disorded the other way...i didnt know how to be "normal"...crew season began and I realized I could lose wieght and still "binge" and be highly productive on my team...I became captin of my team and reached my target wieght even though I was still actively involved in my ED...sigh...thus continued my ED through complusive exercise...

I graduated highschool still very much involved in my disorder...then I got involved with smoking pot and drinking ...I took a year off from the craziness that surrounded me...I know I did it through numbing myself out in other ways (drugs and alcohol...i once again gained allot of wieght in that year as I had stopped exercising...I met my husband (boyfriend at time ) and we went to a bar ( hes nine yrs older then I ) one of his friends made the comment how beautiful i was and that I would be perfect if I was nt so "thick"...i was crushed and immediately went back to exercising...slow at first but quickly progressing to hours of running per day...i also started taking diet pills...i couldnt walk a flight of stairs without becomeing so dizzy and light headed I would pass out...it would happen allot..I though t i had a brain tumur or something...so I went to the doctor...immediatly she diagnosed with anorexia...and of course I fought her every step of the way...she looked at me and said " dont sas me, Im not your mom, Im your doctor you need help, but we cant help you til you want to help yourself"...and I decieded NOT to go back, after all I was still alive and of course miserable, but I didnt care I was thin...people started to ereally make comments as I became obviouly UNDER wight...I was asked if I had cancer ALLOT...it made me happy, sicking I know but I was glad people thought I was so sick, cause at least it meant that i was thin...sigh again...I started working at a nursing home where we forced to eat wwith our residents...I couldnt handle the food the anxiety became more then I could handle...I had heard about throwing up and I tried it and it worked...thus began teh purging...

I remember etaing dinner and then running to the bathroom, no one noticed at first and I thought I had it all figured out...starve durning the day ( worked 3-11) and purge my dinner...moer wieght dropped and I was confronted by my supervisor.."you have a problem she said.."you have an eating disorder and we are all very worried"...I was scared and denied it, after that I was on watch...all the time...so I had to be more careful and I was I would play would my food, and talk to the residents...tehn hide my food and throw it away...they ( my coworkers) all thought teh talked had worked...I was going to recover...blahhhh...I would never let that happen...I would never be fat again...i would nt let that happen...NOT ever...and I kept up the game until one day about nine months later I passed out at work, i was numb, i began to come to, but couldnt walk or talk or move...my pulse was so high they could count it, tehy thought I was having a heart attack...tehy called 911 and I remember being carried into a room, and the man who carried me, saying " oh my god she is a bag of bones...( I had been able to hide it through wearing oversized scrubs) I was at the hospital and my ability to move and talk returned...my mom and mike were there...and I remember the doctor saying she is sick she has an eating disorder she needs intensive tx...it was then I was sent to my first bout of tx (PHP)...I was 21 yrs old...and felt like I was 12, all decisions were taken away from me,i was forced to move back in with my mother for three months where I was constantly watched " I recovered" i gained some wieght and was given permission to move back in with Mike...I was 22 and started to lose wieght again ( I still was working at the same job)...I began to wake up at 7 every morning, go to the gym run 9miles...go home, go back to bed...go to work and go to bed and thus this cycle continued till I passed out one day at the gym...very scary...I was sick and didnt know what to do...2 days later I took a pregnacy test cause really be "that" sick again...It turned out..I was pregnat...shock of all shock as I hadnt had my period in forever...a miracle...I rolled around on the floor for ahile crying in hsyterics...because I was going to get fat again... I went to the doctor and was told I needed to gain 40 pounds or we would both die...I got a grip...pulled myself together..and dropped my Ed for the sake of my precious baby girl...i knew she would be a girl from day one...and I was free...I ate what i wanted..lots of cool ranch doritos :)...I thought my life would be free of the prison I had lived in for so long...but alas I gave birth and looked at myself in the mirror and collasped...with shame..I stoped eating in the hospital...and thus began my eating disorder again...i started running and complusivly watching what I ate and within 6 months was very sick again..when ALyssa was 7 months ols I became pregant with Zack...stopped my behaviors for teh most part and gained teh expected 25 pounds...as you can guess...he was born and Ed ran ramped AGAIN...I was able to maintain a fairly low wieght but not to low where I needed tx...till I got preganat agian...I couldnt do it again..i could go through the process again it was killing me I restricted and purged and ran my whole pregnacy...I didnt gain the wieght I needed..tehy put me in PHP again for 13 weeks...well actually I skipped a part before I got pregant I was in PHP for 12 weeks and got pregant my last week there...I had reached my gaol wieght and immediatly got my period back and got pregant...not the best timing...Isaiah was born...and I relasped even harder...11 weeks after he was born I was placed in refrew for 4 weeks..i didnt gain any wieght but learned how to eat agian...or so I thought....I relasped 2 months later...and went back to php...and that cycle repeated for a year..IOP PHP every other month til april of last year when I became so sick I almost died...I was placed in the hospital for 10 days with a feeding tube and a constant companion on bed rest i wasnt allowed to leave the hospital til I found a tx center will to take me...I was released and went to remuda ranch for 45 days..that was one year ago...I left at my goal wieght and very uncomfortable in my new body...I relasped 2 months later and have been in and out of IP short stays and php s ever since...this is my first REAL attempt at recovery...and I have to make it work this time...I will make it work...I am in recovery for the long hall...and I will trust the process soemthing I have NEVER done before!

SO folks thats my Ed story...on to a new chapter of my life...The RECOVERY chapter!!!

Love, Tara

sooo...

I am blocked...

I have been a bad blogger...but I cant think of what to write about...I mean I have lots of ideas but i just cant write them right now...know I am reading though and will be back as soon as my drive for writting has returned I am doing okay...fat but okay :(

oh and I really hate recovery right now but I hate ED too...oh the pains of it all...okay much love to you all...maybe ask me a question and it will get me thinking...

Love, Z

Zack...continued

Zack...

zack through the years

Zacks second christmas

Am i lazy??

Since I stopped my compulsive exercise all i do is clean the house, play with kids,use the computer, and ummm lay sround like I did today..I FEEL so LAZY!! which if you know eds its a BIG trigger..to feel like a lazy sloth...which is what I feel like!!!

I know in my head I would NOT be able to exercise normally right now even if I really tried and I know that I MUST NOT exercise but still I feel like a crap head and ummm shame to say at the same time I am enjoying the NON RIGID life style of a compulsive exerciser...and its scary...like big time scary!!!

Will I becoem so fat sloth who hates to move and its a chore..I feel like I must be viligent and I cant let myself relax caus eif I do who knows what might happen..i for sure dont..le sigh...

I read about all these Eded people ALLOWED to exercise and think "why cant that be me" why cant I be normal..why does exercise have to be have to be such a trigger...crap it pissing me off...

LIke massively

i am sick of Ed


I am sick of being so not in control with my body when will it ever end...food, wieght, body , exercise..ugh..its not fair...really its NOT fair

i am really on this Its not fair mentality

Blahhhhh

feel for me folks cause really I am feeling pretty bad about it crap I want someone elses brain...

I am so lazy

or at least feel that way...

Love, Z

nine days and counting

unfortunatly I am counting...fucking everything, and over thinking EVERYthing..just had my breakfast ...banana with PB...yummo..but I didnt do the starch...well I had coffee..2 cups and counting...

everything is well counting..how many calories are passing my lips...how many days i have been symptom free...how many pounds I feel i have gained... allot..will my body every settle out at it SET POINT..and how long will that take...so afr nine days and still not settleing out, how many times I mispell a word and have to go back and retype it..so far seven and I have just begun make that eight...le sigh...SO i am a bad speller...so what ...what you gonna do about it?? Nothing I hope..maybe i should just eat the toast...or I could save it for my evening snack ...ugh i dont know ...i am not making much sense...okay...lets digress

Saw K on thursday...and she was so pleased NO SYMPTOMS..we talked about my "broken eyes" and my body image distortion....which I of course disagree...MY EYES ARE NOT BROKEN ...thankyou very much..I see everything quite clearly and I KNOW I am fat...but I am learning to deal with it...okay NOT fat HEALTHY but it FEELs fat even though fat is suppossedly NOT a feeling..it sure feels like one...blahhhh we talked about my dedication to REcovery and how well I am doing. She hugged me and gave me 2 stickers...yes I like the stickers...dont laugh..they make me feel good ...they are little smilely faces that sparkle ...yeah for things that make you feel good...baby boy just climbed on my lap to huggle and kiss...everyone say awww...i love baby hugs...so now i am typing one handed..oh the joys of mother hood. anyway we didnt wiegh cause I told ehr I would crumple to the floor an die so next week is teh big day...oh well on more week....

saw S yesterday and she knew all about how well I was doing cause mytx team talk to one another..for joys...SO because i cancelled my session on tuesday cause I was to fat we talked about body image..fun...she asked me what i liked about my self and I tried to hold it in...for reals i did,but I broke down, sobbing...there is nothing...I amfat ugly and stupid...she looked so sad and said see your eyes are very broken...I see a very beautiful girl and that made me sob even more, cause really what am i missing..why do people tell me i am pretty and I see so much uglines, we talked about feeding my soul and learning to love myself...she wrote down a list of things i need to say to myself to rebut my negative thought...oh joy again...I dont believe anything on the list but I will try maybe i will do it here later...butI dont know we are going boating and then to the beach for a BBQ ...it should be fun as long as I dont freak out over the food which most likely I wont...cause I am used to eating and as longas we eat on schedule I should be okay...

I know this was boring and all over the place but I felt like I should update..well you probally didnt care anywya but there you have it folks the life in times of my Ed appointment..yes my life is exciting...sarcasm

okay peep I am out

love you all

Z

2 sides of the same coin!!

I dont know why but I was thinking again this morning..i know I really need to stop doing that:)

but this is what came to mind...Back in my ANA hayday or HAZEDAY...whichever you choose to call it I used to use this quote to keep me "strong" to keep me exercising and to prevent me from eating...

"Its not the burning in your lungs or the aching in your legs, its the voice inside you that yells cant...but you dont listen...you just push harder, and you discover the person you thought you were is NO match for the one you really are!"

and that quote when you look at it really look at it also about REcovery...

Are you willing to find out who you really are??Dont listen to the voice...just push harder...and one day you will find out the person you thought you "were" really is NO match for who you are...

Keep fighting girls

TRUST THE PROCESS!!!

okay out my peeps

Love, Z

Rinse, Lather, Rinse, Repeat....

Okay I know its a process...I know I know TRUST THE PROCESS..my new mantra...dont get your shorts in a tizzy I am still following my mantra...NO WORRIES!!! I swears:)

But really did anyone ever telll you RECOVERY is boreing...you do the same thing day in and day out.

You wake up

You eat

YOu do chores

you live

YOu eat

you play

you eat

and you wake up just to do the same thing over again.

you eat

you eat and dont purge


and you eat

you attend appointments


You do the RIGHT things

and you know what

you do it again and they say eventually you do it with out thinking

and then what

you do it again and again

and you know what RECOVERY IS BOREING!!!!

Its not exciting..Im not breaking any rules

Im not living on the edge

Im not being.....ME

Who am I anyway??

I mean really if I am not ED who the hell am I?

okay okay this can not be a be a negative screw REcovery post and it s not I swears, but its a question for reals WHO AM I??

I m bored

I am used to living on the edge...defying nature...living on the edge of death and now I am normal..sorta....

How does one fill ones life without ED leading it??

I finished dinner only to be left to sit with it...no purging ...just sitting...If I wasnt so fat I wwould take to running the streets naked//:) but really does this get better...is recovery easier after a bit...does it always feel so mundane ... so repeative...SO SAD

cause I think that is what has setteled in...boreing, pathetic...SADNESS

yes I am fat

but Iam in Recovery

and I am sad I cant lose wieght

so here we go folks...I am in Recovery ..Rinse. Lather. Rinse...Repeat

sigh....

Love, Z

HI

My Name is Tara

I have an ED

I am in RECOVERY

I will fully REcover...I dont know when but I do know how...

I will TRUST THE PROCESS!!!!

the end

I cancelled my session

just now I just did it...my stomach is swirling...why did I just do that? I have allot of reasons and I am going to dig into them right now cause really i cancelled cause I am to fat to be seen,at least thats what I have been feeling the last hour and a half I have been awake...ohhh you are probally wondering what session...my session with S, you know my therapy lover. My T whom I love and adore and teh T who would never just me, yeah I just cancelled on her..left her a voicemail, she willbe thrilled when she gets it...I told her I didnt even want to do a phone checkin...i told her I would email her later...what is wrong with me...I DONT CANCEL SESSIONS!!! thats what people who dont want to REcover do and I WANT TO RECOVER... I mean I have lots of logical reasons I needed to cancel, Like I dont have a sitter...I forgot M is working durning the day this week and I waited to long to ask his dad to watch the kids so I as out of luck there...and my mom has to work so NO GO THERE... and ofcourse there is the whole shower issue which by the way I HAVE TO DO TODAY...regaurdless of whether or not I see S.

I am taking the kids to the park today...oh look whos getting off the subject... here I go avoiding...seriously I know I am going to get a good tougue lashing from you guys but really I just couldnt do it today...I cant deal with issues you today, I dont want to talk about anything that matters today...all she would hear is that I am to fat and what a waste of a session that would be...I would be wasteing her time and mine and what would the point of that be..now really guys... lets be serious shall we...its not like none of you havent done it before...so come on dont judge me...maybe I just needed a T break just for a teensy while..I ll see her friday I swears...I just cant face the world today.

On a good note which is how I like to end...followed my food plan yesterday...and continued my three day purge free streak...today will be day 4...

crap maybe I shouldnt have cancelled

Oh well

to late now

Love, Z

MONDAY

Hmmmmm...what to write? what to write?? How shall I start my day?? I have actally started it 2 hours ago as baby boy work up early...i have just had my berries and they were delish..i am now sipping on my coffee pretending i am in a clean, serene enviroment...maybe some where ZEN like...in the mountains breathing in the fresh mountain air..to bad i am scared of hieghts :)

So i could start by saying the loathing of my body has yet to go away and i am thinking about slicing parts of it off with a knife but and heres the but ...I dont like blood. So that option is out...le sigh...

I could say I am going to restrict til I pass out..but like option A there are some problems with that one as well...one that would not be in a Recovery mindset and two I could not risk that as I am alone with the children. and I already ate my berries...

I could say...ohhh yes I know..i will follow my MP..now why didnt I think of that before...I did but i didnt want to mention it as ED is pretty pissed off at how fat i have gotten and he really wants me to lose wieght before grandma gets here ( ie...chic who hate s fat..values thinness and "health" above all and really trigers me into wanting to be perfect)

I could talk about how noone cared about how fat I was at the party..NO ONE focused on me and if they did think it they didnt say it out loud, those wonderful closed mouthed family members.

I could talk about the fact that I yes I went into a pool...fatness and all...I wore shorts and T-shirt but no one said anything...again..So I guess noone cared, or if tehy did they once again get there mouths shut!!!...DO I get credit for going in the pool even with clothes on?? I think I should..but who am I?

I could talk about how my house is a mess and I am actually pleased about it cause it gives me soemthing to do this morning and for that I am grateful..at least I wont spend my whole morning sitting on my ass in front of the computer...and creates I knwo bad bad but it creats some choas and I kinda enjoy that...secretly ..alittle..hush hush.

I could talk about how on my last purge two days ago ANOTHER piece of my tooth broke off and how my mouth is falling into decay and I really need to get to a dentist but I am SCARED...cause then they will know for sure I have an ED and I hate explaining it to new health professionals..but really kick me in the ASS on this one guys cause I really need to go before my whole mouth falls out:(

I guess there is a lot I could talk about but really I dont feel like it...all i want to say is I am a fat ASS...but I wont...ohhh wait I just did..i wont say it again, I swears...I will try to remain positive today even though I feel like shit...i will try to follow my MP even though I am fat ( opps just said it again...sorry) I will Not b/p today cause well my teeth hurt and that would just perpetuate the ED. SOmething i am trying NOT to do. i will clean my house. take teh kids to the beach or park or maybe both and TRY TRY really hard to be a better person...maybe I will do a good deed or something...maybe we all should...lets try to have a good day folks...i think we all deserve a break from the negativity...at least all that I am bringing into our little land of blogs...i will try to be a good girl ..I swears...

okay peeps..Im out

Love, Z

Fat

Is ozzing out of my pores

I hate is I caught a glimps of myslef in the mirror and almost died..I swears..this CAN NOT BE HAPPENING!!!

I am frantic

I need to Restrict

Just berries and cottage cheese all day

NO BINGING

I am back to counting every morsel that goes in my mouth

I am a fat pig

i have to got a party today and all I will eat is berries

Binging be damned

I know This is not very recovery orienated but I cant help it

I AM GROSS!!!

FUCKING GROSS

GROSS

GROSS

I HATE ME

I HATE THIS ED>>>I MISS ANA

FUCK

I NEED TO CALM DOWN

BUT I CANT

I AM GOING TO CRY

LIKE FOR REALS

I AM GOING TO BREAK DOWN AT ANY MINUTE

Here come the TEARS

FUCK I JUST WNAT TO BE NORMAL!!!

Z

Flat on my FACE!!!

I really wanted to say FAT on my face but i help back and offered soem restriant...yesterday was a bad day. I failed miserably at thet new plan and am feeling quite in the depths of despair in the moment..I feel shit for my actions and wish I had a fairy god mother to pull me out of this funk..blahhhhh if you couldnt tell I B/P last night for the third time this week, i am turning into a hefer and not feeling so ummm good about it, really i feel a might shit and would be feeling like drowning myslef if I didnt have this whopping fear of seeing my self naked in the tub, guess thats a good thing at the moment, i feel like writting a poor pitiful me post today and sobbing in my shoes for a good hour staight, but alas how much good would that do anyone...not even me I dont think.

So i bet you are all thinking well there she goes falling off the deep end again but i am not, I got up and had breakfast amongst not only the screaming voices of my children but that of my Ed as well...but I told the children to shhhh and the Ed voice to fuck off and I ate my breakfast in a haze of muffeled voices. Yes I could still hear them but I was unclear of exactly what they were saying...mostly i was trying to listen to Ks voice saying if you start the day off right you lessen your chance to binge, so although the better half or should I say the demon half of me was greatly disagreeing with even the idea of breakfast i did it, and I am now sat here decieding what i should do next...the dishes maybe...yes the dishes...they need to be done as well as a few loads of laundry...how did that happen I have been very diligent on keeping up on it, but we did go to the beach three days in a row so that leaves you with allot of towels to be washed

What I need to is to get my sorry ass away from the computer and start doing something but i cant bring my butt to move...maybe if soemone said you could go for a run then I would jump up, but I dont hear that voice anywhere, so I am not so close to jumping...maybe I waddle to the kitchen, with my fatass following behind me...can you believe I am being so self depricating, well I can cause since IP I have gained a grand total of 10 yes 10!@@@!@@## whopping pounds, noone, not one single one of you would say that, that is acceptable, I DIDNT NEED TO GAIN WIEGHT, I was in my range, I swears i was...Now I bordering tipping out of my range...those bastards, dont they know extra wieght makes people relaspe...but I will NOT relaspe I will prove every one wrong cause as much as every fiber of my beign is sayng LOSE LOSE LOSE..I know exactly where that will get me...with one ass in the hospital and te hother hanging out the door, yes thats how big my ass has gotten...it can be in two palces at once...grrrr

i am so pissed....

I need to regroup

some one talk some sense into my fool head casue I am very VERY fustrated!!! And this whole normal living thing is starting to get on my nerves...maybe I need a good old kid scratch fest to break the mundane normalcy I am livimg in...NO NO NO!!! I dont want that..I just want to be ED free and thin...I want the best of both worlds as th egreat hannah MOntana would say...why cant I have both...why just one??? BLAHHHHHHHHHHH

I am so pissy today

Z

Back to Basics

So I saw K this morning..and well Have a confession to make..things have been a little tricky on the food front lately:( so sad to admitt but honesty is the first key to Recovery right? So our plan...Basics Breakfast, lunch, mini meal, dinner..what tis a mini meal you ask well its more then a snack and less then a meal so there you have it a mini meal. hpth not so sure how I feel about the idea about a mini meal before dinner, but I shall do what i am told til my Ed brain releases the reigns a bit.

So we talked about my 2 episodes of purging in the last week and how last night another bit of one of my poor broken teeth fell off...soo soo sad:(

We talked about being on track with the other NON ED things in my life, such as the BEACH going!!! the house cleaning, the disciplying of my children, all things that are going well in my life..yeah for things that are going well!Right?

So anyway back to the basic thing...I didnt realize how far from the abndwagon I got til she asked me "the QUESTIONS" Like what did you have for breakfast? answer...ummm I was a bit taken aback like I did nt expect the question or anything...ummm nothing I said..it was then 10:07...well you missed teh breakfast window..now what?? well I said i can have it when I get home...Im think good reply...she thinks...it will throw off the rest of your day. I think quick on my feet...well Ill eat at 11, then 2:30 then 5:30 then 8:30, she kinda gives a half smile but says she will go with it today..and only TODAY tomorrow back to the basic scheduale of B..then L...then MM ...then D..so I agree..whew...that was a close one!

So she gave me back my basic MP, not the desprtly skimpy o ne from 3 yrs ago but the one from when I left my last IP stay...not the one I just had but the one before that...are you following me so far:)

SO whats on the menu...ohhh lots of good stuff like fruit and veggies and protiens and fats and ohhh yes the dreaded STARCH!!!@ which must be incorperated DURNING the day instead of in these subjective binges I am having at night..yes I told her..go me...she says and I trust her, that if i will just incorperate these HEALTHY starches into my diet, then the mini binges will not occur and I can stop obsessing about how fat they are making me cause really guys I hate to admitt it but they are driving me BANANAS!!!

Okay so goal for today: FOLLOW Ks MP exactly..I am already on the right path because I ate at 11...okay 2:30 here I come...remember HEALTHY STARCHES are good for the body!!

Okay wish me luck!!

Love, Z

Chaos Interupted!!!

So after my mini meltdown yesterday over absolutely nothing I recieved a very encouraging e-mail from a dedicated reader( shout out to Britni)who got me a thinking...yes I know very hard to do but it happened...thats right folks I thought.:)

What did I think about about you ask? Well I shall tell you. I got to thinking about my patterns, my Bi-Polar and the way that I tick. I know DEEP stuff!!

I got to thinking about how I live on the edge, on the edge of emotions...Really UP or Really down... I know how to deal with those feelings teh feelings of being complete is the aspect of having everything perfect or having everything crumbling down around me, and yesterday was one of those days that, although I had everything seemingly perfect on the out side, my insides did not know how to deal with the calm that was brought on by being on top of my game if you will. I mean I am so used to either sleeping on my couch, curled under the covers crying or flying high accomplishing things. ANd yesterday although I had made a list of things to do, none of it really needed to be done as I had done it all the day before, and really that seemed to be the problem, No CHAOS to fix...hmmmm thoughts...

I grew up in a house where crap was always about to hit the fan, never knowing what was going to happen around the next corner, and you know what I got used to it, i adjusted, I grew accustomed to the chaos, it felt okay. I even created this lifestyle as I grew into an adult. at 15 I created, or delveloped my eating disorder...choas...I began to drink...chaos...I began to do things that I cant bare to mention here as for fear of judgemnet. And what did creating all this chaos do for me, well it created a safe haven if you will, I knew what to expect..NOTHING, nothing would ever be the same from one day to the next, and that felt OKAY, cause I knew nothing would ever be the same.

But now things are different, very differnt. I have a home, three chidren, a husband an Ed that i am getting under control, i am on the right medication(finally) and things have well calmed down, and you know what its VERY scary, cause I have STABILITY, holy moly now what to I do. How will I live without the chaos, I have got to learn to be okay with the on going normalcy of general day to day life.

I need to accept the interupted choas of the last 29 yrs of my life and move on to normal. I can not let the day to day ho hom of life throw me for a tizzy, after all This is what life is about...living NORMALLY. and yes i have allot of questions on how to do that....what to expect...I mean I need to expect that things will be normal, of course there will be days when crap hits the fan, but then there will be days like yesterday where things are pretty much normal, where there is no wrench thrown into my plans, where i must accept that this is life...life with the choas interupted...and I guess part of me must mourn the loss of my chaos filled life. That I must accept that I will NOT be in tx every 3 months, that my house will be clean and orderly, that my kids will not listen but they will accept thier punishments. That I willlive a so called NORMAL life, and that, that to will one day feel okay. I am not there yet, by no means, I have not completely accepted or mourned the loss of my choas...that I am working on it, one step in normal time.

Cause although the choas makes me feel "normal"...its not what I truely want, because if I have choas surrounding me then I can not recover...and afterall folks that is my ultimate goal...RECOVERY.

Love, Z

Must gather myself

okay I am kinda off the balance beam right now...

Shaking as you will. cant quite gather my thoughts to even type correctly but I am here to try and collect myself to focus on living my life and getting on track with the things I NEED to do today. I need to clean my Kitchen floor, I dont NEED to but I want to cause if I wait til tomorrow it will be gross so thats next on my list, or should I say first on my list casue all I have done today is the dishes.

geez if I could just stop shaking I think I would be good...what is my problem??

I thought it was cause I didnt have any smokes but I got some so we should be good on that front...I ate breakfast..late...quite a bit late..well just now which is lunch time but at least I ate right??

okay so what shall I do??

Clean Kitchen

clean bathroom

take shower

clean living room

do laundry

take kids to beach

I WILL accompli

well I will acomplish all these things on my list or I will be a failure for the day...well thats kinda black and white but really I wont feel right unless I do it all...ALLLLLLL!!!

ohhh and Lisa I wrote a list of meds if you wnat to check it out...couple posts down...Love you all...wish me luck

Love, Z

Mood swings

crappolla i am having one of those days ( funny after I just wrote about all my wonder drugs) where I am feeling sorta kinda blahhhhhhhh. like ohh I just cant wait for the day to be over blahhhhh...I wake up feeling well UP!! like I have been feeling the last week or so and now that lunch time has rolled around i want a quick fix,i want to feel better, at least better then I do right now. i dont know what my dealio is but i feel so icky, yucko!!

Well lets see...i went to see S this mornign and she kinda crushed my little recovery bubble, SHe pointed out ( when I pointed out that I didnt think i had ann Ed any more) that i do still struggle...me struggle NOOOOOOO way, I know that is a thought that has not been entertained by any of you, right?

SO heres what she says I still struggle with, READY here goes reality:

restriction....at this point in time its mostly carbs, but i do still greatly struggle getting them in, at ALL, ( with the exception of those subjective binges i have been having).

restriction...of fluids...why I do this i dont know i guess its just to hold onto the ED in some way... I barely drink anything but coffee and since i have no soymilk, I am now drinkng it black...yeah, or neah which ever side of the fence you are on about caffine.

Body image...yeah my is in the toilet, i walk around in baggy capri pants and big T-shirts, I feel like a rummaging elephant and it doesnt feel so hot, but liek a good little Recovery girl i am trying to ignore teh screaming voices that tell me i am to huge to live.

self care...oh did I forget to mention i refused to shower sunday, not casue I was depressed but because I couldnt bare being naked looking at myself...GROSS!!!! on all fronts, body and ummm yeah...not bathing.

anxiety...Is usually through the roof and I just ignore it til it becomes debilitating...what did she say " ummmm well I just see you on a slippery slope, pretending how well you are doing, not that you are not doing far better then a few months ago but you are far from Recovered"

Way to burst my BUBBLE S.

I was feeling like i didnt even need T anymore, now I feel like I will be there forever, which was something else we discussed, my fears of what would happen if i FULLY Recovered. Like my entire support team ( Ie, Tx team) would disappear. She assured me that it wouldnt happen, that even WHEN I do recover that her and K would always still be there when I needed them, maybe we could even have coffee together, that would be nice...coffee with S...hmmmmm, now there is a thought to ponder.

Any way I guess I am just feeling kinda floundering around you know, like in limbo, and I dont like that feeling,I like UP, or DOWN...I have never managed balance...i guess that is what iam trying to find its just hard..at least with up or down i know what to expect with this...this middle..I just dont know...

okay I know suck it up, pull up your boot straps and live, right?

Okay heres to me living even though I dont know whay I feel except kinda sucky and kinds okay...maybe I will go vacum...

out my peeps

Love, Z

Quick and boreing

AS promised my here is a lovely Drug list and what they are for be forewarned I take quite a few meds so here goes it:

Depression: Lexapro...20mg one time a day in morning, the wonder drug that has gotten me out of the miserable funk I have been in for many a months. It has made me feel like ummm well me again, i feel like the terriable wieght that was glued to my shoulders has been lifted!!!

Anxiety: a blog roll if you will....The wonderdrug catagories of benzos

clonazepam: .5 mg 2xs a day morning and night, its my saving grace and prevents me from wanting to crawl out of my every growing skin:0, It calms me down so I can think and I mean think not thought racing!!!

Vistaril: 25mg three times a day one with each meal, well actually thirty minutes prior to a meal...guess its suppossed to make me more realxed, I suppose I would notice a big difference if I didnt take it, which i would never do casue Iam a good little patient;)

anti-physcotics: or my Bi-polar meds. Lamictal 100mg 2 times a day for a total of 200 mg daily to be revised at any point and time like maybe tomorrow when I see P-doc, help with the mood issues, the thought racing, and the over all feelings of be very imbalanced.

and lastly but not leastly Risperdone: .5 mg three times a day half hour before meals, to umm calm me down, stop food thoughts and to stablize mood.

So there you have it folks my blog roll of medications and umm what they do for me, at least a little of what they do for me, I am sure they do more but I am no P-doc, so its just what i notice...and I dont know,people ( family) say I am on to many meds but I disagree I mean if it keeps me sane then whats the harm, other then the hefty bill ...which is mighty hefty by the way. SO I guess they and some DBT work are why i ahve been so ME again, bet you are all glad I am back, for reals.

K my peeps, I am out and off to see S...wish me luck

I might have another post later today hey you never know with a grovie girl like me and all the interesting things I do :)

Love, Z

Chillaxing

hey my peeps :)

I love that word!!!

whats happening in the lives of my blogger buddies?? Me oh well since you asked I had a good no make that GREAT weekend!!

Totally relaxed!!

No more Behaiors for the rest of the weekend which makes any weekend GREAT!!! Right? RIGHT!!!

lets see Saturday I took Alyssa to a Birthday party at BUILD a BEAR, and she had a blast, she got the cutest little bear and she named her sarah,( and off course thats where she wants her party to be next yr, only I think its mad expensive , like mucho dinero) I will tell my sister it was named after her but in reality i think she named the bear after my step-sons girlfriend who went camping with us last weekend. Oh which by teh way they are going to open a makeup shop ( so they say) and make us oddles of money!! who will by the makeup I am wondering that myself but ALyssa wants to have a slushie sale so she can make the money to open up her makeup store, yes my darling is such a entrepanure(sp), so lets see...

I took the boys swimming at my moms while she was at the party, and I put Isaiah is a life jacket and he flipped over, he didnt think it was funny but I sure di as he layed on his back screaming, he couldnt get his body upright, i am not a mean mom, so i quickly swooped him up and put him in a life raft where he relaxed for a good fifteen minutes, and if you have a 2 yr old or know one you know thats a long time for them to do one thing. He was so cute just laying there are chilaxed. Zackman got a very quick swimming lesson...and I am sure you are thinking whats so cute about that well here it is folks, we went to get all the life jackets out of my moms shed, and a mouse had eaten through all of them except Alyssas, so what did he have to wear, a pretty pick one, awwww he was so cute dressed in pink :) anyway he gathered his courage cause usally he is kinda wimpy when it comes to water, and jumped in!!! and did the doggy paddle for a little while...he was so excited that he is learning how to swim..it was a real kicker, him paddeling around in his little pink life jacket..not just any life jacket but a full body one!!!

SO we went to Pick up ALyssa and of course she was pissed she didnt get to go swimming...and tehn she started whinning it was "sweating" out, SO I gathered my crew and headed over to Brunswick beach about 2 miles from my house and tehy frolicked in the water for about an hour and a half, Jumping off the Dock, and swimming around. Alyssa is a pretty good swimmer and as she would say a little mermaid, so she was going deep in the water yelling " mommy LOOK" every 2 minutes..it got a little wearing but it was fun. then Isaiah got the idea he was goignto jump off the dock too, SO for about 20 minutes He help my hand and "jumped" off the dock, he was so cute! They played on the playground that is right at the beach for a while before it started to rain..so we packed it up and went home, It was about six by this point, so we had dinner and snuggled into bed to watch the "The Cat in the Hat" for about the 15th time and we all fell asleep together...awwww a family moment.

Yesterday...hmmmmm lets see, i spent most of the morning cleaning, and you will be pleased to know you can now walk into Alyssa room...where before you could not set foot in her room for fear of breaking a bone by tripping...but alas it tis now clean!! after 3 bags of crap Broken toys a the like were removed from her room, it took us an hour and a half but it was a job well done!! then we moved into the Z mans room, and quickly cleaned that as I had just cleaned it on friday so it wasnt that messy but boys mess things pretty easily so it still needed to be cleaned. Then we layed the baby down for a nap ( I say we but mean me :) ) and the two older ones played in the pool while chilled on the deck catching soem rays although you would never know it cause I had to get up every 5 minutes to watch them do some kind of trick.

Oh and teh best part of the day was when my H and my step son FIXED my car...HORRAY!!! No more driving around in a death wagon. SO my inlaws came up for a few minutes and ended up taking the two older ones to walmart and they came back with a little pool for Isaiah!!! Yeah so now he has his own pool, he is so excited!!! So I watched him splash around in that for a while, which was cute and then we had a BBQ, to celebrate my fixed car!!! by then it was 7:30...so what did we do...ofcourse we settled in to watch "The Cat in the HAT" AGAIN!!!! we all fell asleep in my bed again...H man wasnt to happy bout that, cause he had to sleep on the couch, but it was cute. So that was my chillaxed weekend.

I think I will take the kids to the beach again today if it warms up...It is supper fun to watch them frolick around.

Hope you all had a weekend as relaxing as mine...ohhh can you tell that my new drugs are working?? I didnt lay on the couch and cry all weekend..but thats another post..I will write about all my yummy drugs sometime soon...see now you have soemthing to look foward to:)

Love,Z

Negative thoughts and peanut butter and jelly

UGGGGHHHHH!!!

I binged last night, on what else well you guess it PB and J. It can not happen again. NO NO NO I didnt purge although teh thought did cross my mind but since I have made it a non-option in my life I was forced to sit with it, SO I just went to bed, what else could I do?? I could have purged then i would nt feel like such a fat ass this morning but then everyone would be so dissapointed in me besides I had that whole NON_option thing going on.

UGGGHHHHHH, I am so pissed!!! Guess now i will need to add binging to my daily goals of things not to do!

Anyway I am having all these negative thought and I think it started early this morning when I started thinking about my grandmother comeing to visit. SHE HATE FAT!!! and Iam starting to really think that is what I have become. FAT FAT FAT!! the vioces are pretty strong and I am pretty unhappy. I wnat to lose wieght before she gets here but I cant, cause why you ask? well that would be Eating disordered, and well we can have none of that( said with drips of sarcasim). Is it starting to get on my nerves not that I have any intention of backing out of this REcovery thing cause I dont...DONT .... DONT!@!! I am in this for the long hall as back breakingly hard as this may be, i am not quiting.

Okay lets dissect:

Iam triggered

I binged but didnt purge

trigger = you just gained 10 pounds, but in reality I know I couldnt have right? that would be humanly impossiable....yeah right thats what they say but all us EDed girls know it sure feels like you gained 10 pounds over night. SO I dont care about logic i FEEL fatter!!!


Trigger = my grandmother is coming and she hates fat. Reality = She wants me healthy I mean she spent 20 grand on Remuda last year, SHE WANTS ME HEALTHY and if that means not being a twig then I think she will be all for it!

okay I need to do allot of reality checking today ALLOT!~!!

SO on a positive i thinkwe are taking the kids to Brunswick beach again today, I took the kids yesterday for a little while but it was windy today is suppossed to be a better day so maybe we wil do that, that would be fun.

WE are suppossed to be goign to a new church today but I dont know if we are going to make its starting to get late and honestly I am kinda nervous, I HATE change, in case you didnt know.

I see K tomorrow, yeah for that maybe she can help me with the whole binging thing,although it will be very hard to admitt it i mean the shame I feel is great, how would you guys go about bringing up binging without purging will she think Iam even grosser then before...ughhhh I could nt imagine her thinking bad about me, I hate it...maybe I will email S, ugh my thought are so jumbled I know I am all over the place..could you all keep up?

thanks for reading my peeps ( oh like my new word...peeps) thats what you are MY PEEPS!!

Love, Z

S session

wowser did we have a great session!!!! SO lets see if I can remember all we talked about...hmmmm she started off saying three things to me: first she said catch me up on symptom use, which I did....some purging, some restricting, no exercise and of course she was thrilled because my reduction in symptom use is phenomal, i went from purging 5-6 xs a day to 2-3 timee a week she was thrilled about that. Of corse she said the ultimate goal is to make teh behavior nil as in gone completely, becasue we know what a slippery slope it can be for me...like one slip and down I start to tumble, kinda like jack and jill if you will.

So her second question was what did you learn a seemily obvious question as she hasnt seen me in 5 weeks. BOy did I have allot to say, I mean I could nt stop talking about all I learned, all about DBT skills, and Radical acceptance, and doing tons of BCAs, learning all about my triggers, like I KNOW 4 pm is a very vulnerable time for, we decieded ( and ofcourse to consult K) it might be a blood sugar thing and maybe I need to eat a snack around that time like a planned snack not one that I would feel guilty about, cause I guess a drop in blood sugar can feel allot like a panic attack and because my hunger cues arent yet where they need to be I might not be able to tell the difference..hmmm something to ponder a little more.

So then her third question was what needs to change and she was like you have changed so much but lets go there anyway so we did and to my suprize she is all for following the DBT moduale that I have coem to knwo and work with very well. We continue to do daily diary cards and I must bring them into each session and of course any time I engage in a behavior such as restricting, purging or body checking ( my form of weighing) I will need to fill out a BCA (behavior chain analysis) and bring it into our session. I am also to check in at least once a week by email even though I see her every tues and friday, she really wants me to check in friday night and give her my weekend plan as to keep me focused on my goals!

We also talked about having daily (albiet small) goals I can achieve every day, todays goals were to clean kitchen, bathroom and playroom, SO far I have all done but the playroom, go me. and to add to the agenda I am suppossed to do soemthing every day (excluding computer time) that has to do with living my "REAL" life, today will be watching the kids paly in the pool and the yard after the baby lays down for a nap...whew...we talked about allot and she is wicked proud of how I have been able to articulate my needs and wants and desires...for not only RECOVERY but for life in general.

I know this was a semi boreing post but I wanted to express how well I am actually doing compared to yesterday whiner of a post.

Okay much love my peeps

Z

Trucking along

PTC i quoted you AGAIN, you special thing you!!!

Well I wish I could say I was having one of those stress free, anxiety free, happy go lucky days but alas i can not! BLAHHHHHH

I am however having one of those days where the anxiety is so high you want to blow your brains in kinda days, yep you heard me right folks BLOW MY BRAINS IN!!! Not that I will or that i even own a gun ...so not to worry my brains are saftly tucked behind my skull but I must say i am having a hard time...dont worry I have NOT engaged in behaviors!!! But shit I want to!!! Iam so stressed and everything feels so hard today but I am here and alive and I guess for that I should be grateful right??? RIGHT!!

SO today was my last day at IOP...for reals folks I graduated, arent you all so proud of me, hell yeah i know I am...Its been a long 5 weeks since this entire ordeal began. IP..then PHP...then IOP. I think IP had to be the hardest cause I was on complete lock down for 9 days...I mean someone watching you pee 24 hours a day is no bunch of roses. PHP was okay I mean at least I could pee by myself well an hour after each meal anyway. IOP was the easiest it was only three days a week for 5hours and of course only one meal...but the meals is the least of the problems, I did allot of hard work...allot of DBT work...which I will explain in greater detail at a later time, I dont feel like going into it right now..cause well its deep and I dont feelliek being to deep right now...

I dont know i guess I am just having a bad day and what I could really just use is a bunch of "ohhhh it will be okays"

But like PTC said I am here trucking along!!

Love, Z

Grafton Lake beach

Here are a few pics of our monday!!! My kids Rock!!! Ill update better later just wanted to share.



So I forgot my camera when we went camping but we went to the beach the day after we got back and I remembered my camera so here are a few pics from our day at the beach!!!

Alyssa is a mermaid in case you couldnt tell..lol

Zack and Isaiah were playing in a mud puddle

and well the little guy was just happy to be there...and so was I!!!

Love, Z