Monday, July 20, 2009

MONDAY

Hmmmmm...what to write? what to write?? How shall I start my day?? I have actally started it 2 hours ago as baby boy work up early...i have just had my berries and they were delish..i am now sipping on my coffee pretending i am in a clean, serene enviroment...maybe some where ZEN like...in the mountains breathing in the fresh mountain air..to bad i am scared of hieghts :)

So i could start by saying the loathing of my body has yet to go away and i am thinking about slicing parts of it off with a knife but and heres the but ...I dont like blood. So that option is out...le sigh...

I could say I am going to restrict til I pass out..but like option A there are some problems with that one as well...one that would not be in a Recovery mindset and two I could not risk that as I am alone with the children. and I already ate my berries...

I could say...ohhh yes I know..i will follow my MP..now why didnt I think of that before...I did but i didnt want to mention it as ED is pretty pissed off at how fat i have gotten and he really wants me to lose wieght before grandma gets here ( ie...chic who hate s fat..values thinness and "health" above all and really trigers me into wanting to be perfect)

I could talk about how noone cared about how fat I was at the party..NO ONE focused on me and if they did think it they didnt say it out loud, those wonderful closed mouthed family members.

I could talk about the fact that I yes I went into a pool...fatness and all...I wore shorts and T-shirt but no one said anything...again..So I guess noone cared, or if tehy did they once again get there mouths shut!!!...DO I get credit for going in the pool even with clothes on?? I think I should..but who am I?

I could talk about how my house is a mess and I am actually pleased about it cause it gives me soemthing to do this morning and for that I am grateful..at least I wont spend my whole morning sitting on my ass in front of the computer...and creates I knwo bad bad but it creats some choas and I kinda enjoy that...secretly ..alittle..hush hush.

I could talk about how on my last purge two days ago ANOTHER piece of my tooth broke off and how my mouth is falling into decay and I really need to get to a dentist but I am SCARED...cause then they will know for sure I have an ED and I hate explaining it to new health professionals..but really kick me in the ASS on this one guys cause I really need to go before my whole mouth falls out:(

I guess there is a lot I could talk about but really I dont feel like it...all i want to say is I am a fat ASS...but I wont...ohhh wait I just did..i wont say it again, I swears...I will try to remain positive today even though I feel like shit...i will try to follow my MP even though I am fat ( opps just said it again...sorry) I will Not b/p today cause well my teeth hurt and that would just perpetuate the ED. SOmething i am trying NOT to do. i will clean my house. take teh kids to the beach or park or maybe both and TRY TRY really hard to be a better person...maybe I will do a good deed or something...maybe we all should...lets try to have a good day folks...i think we all deserve a break from the negativity...at least all that I am bringing into our little land of blogs...i will try to be a good girl ..I swears...

okay peeps..Im out

Love, Z

10 comments:

Blu said...

Moved my new blog, so my poor family doesn't stumble upon it and freak out...
Hang in there (haven't heard that before, have you??) Well, if it means anything at all, know that now that since I've found you you might be the only person I've ever known who thinks like I do. I see from reading your blog there are more people out there- but for me, we're in this together. So...you can't give up and let Ed win (I read this book recently at the request of my therapist..) We have to win. I'm very competitive and have made this my new competition (against Ed.)

Swimming with or without shorts on is definitely a point for you!! I used to swim competitively my whole life, but since I got fat I've refused to wear a bathing suit around anyone but my husband who amazingly accepts me anyway. I bought one this year, which is a step, but since you went in the water with people around I may take my boy to the beach today and actually go in- Thanks!

now.is.now said...

GO TO THE DENTIST!!!!! It sucks and I dread doctor/dentist appts but you know you HAVE TO! YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE DENTIST! If not, your teeth will be in awful shape by the time you reach middle age. Please make an appointment. Would it be easier if you asked your dietitian or therapist or Dr. K (whoever you're most comfortable with) to call the dentist ahead of time to tell them about your eating disorder, about your sensitivities, things like that? Either way - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PROMISE ME YOU'LL GO TO THE DENTIST!

I'm glad you're not letting all possible day-ruining thoughts control you. You're just like "I could think about...., but no. On to the next thought." Way to go!

The good deed idea is AWESOME! I'm going to do one too.

Have a peaceful day, Z :)

Flushed said...

Thank you so much for your support. I will try my bestest not to beat myself up and remind myself that it is very counterproductive.

I admire the strength you have for this struggle. Despite having negative thoughts you are not letting them defeat you without a fight (which you will win, of course).

Have a wonderful day Z, whatever you decide to do I know that you will make the best of it.

Luv,
Flushed

belinda said...

hey girl,
thank you so much for your comment on my blog. i don't think i've told you recently that i love you, so there, now you know.. i do love you!! hehe

darlin, you are fighting the good fight, for a chance at life. it is hard, sometimes really fucking hard. i've seen you get thru it. i know you can fight these "voices".

i wonder Z, what is the pull of the ED doing for you?

x

firefly said...

Hey I've read your past posts. Will respond to them when I get back to work. Busy morning and off to work. I think tomorrow is last day. I baked cookies for M and mowed the lawn with my sister. Only thing I got stuck with the push lawn mower and so was under trees. Life ok right now!

Zena said...

Good deed ...good deed what did I do? oh I gave a new mom info on the beach we were at...it want much but she thought it was helpful so I guess that counts right?? I will do better tomorrow ...promise!!

Followed my Mp today, cleaned the whole house...yeah for clean houses!! Took the kids to the beach for three yes count them three HOURS...they had a blast...and I enjoyed watching them...I went in the water AGAIN...with my shorts on ofcourse but who cares i went in.

I took a break away from th e negative thinking...I am sure it willbe back tomorrow but ...i will take whta ever reprieve I can get...i ahve been thinking more about my chaos theory and how it affects my Ed..more on that later...but heres to the problem and you know with me there is always a problem...I cant shower..like NO JOKE NOT FUNNY GROSSY WOSSY, If I DONT shower I ahve a behavior free day and if I do when then well I cant predict what will happen...either way its a nasty problem that i need some advice on how to fix...help me not be so gross...really guys this is not a good thing...tomorrow is S so I will have to shower but crap I dont want to.... really i never though I would be the non bathing type but alas here I am nOT WANTING TO SHOWER...help i am turning into the gross lady who doesnt bathe and smells on the street..yuko to addmitt but I did so help!!!!

Love, Z

PTC said...

I think it's time for a trip to the dentist before you have no teeth left.

Zena said...

PTC

I thinks you right..BUT tis scared...how are your teeth..knowing you bet they are great...SOme girls have all the luck...sang singing...

Love, Z

now.is.now said...

Z - I had the same showering problem. I always showered (b/c I can't teach without showering... especially middle school!)... but showering would throw off my behaviors.

My solution was to never look at myself while showering and to try as best as I can not to touch myself. This resulted in my washing my arms and legs and kinda spraying soap on my stomach and letting the force of the shower wash it off. seriously - I HAAATED showering too. I am not sure it is good for me to give you advice like "don't look at yourself and don't touch yourself" but that's how I dealt with it. Even now, I don't look. And, when I wash my stomach, I lean way way far back so that I don't have to feel the reality of what it might feel like if I were to stand up straight and touch my stomach. I'm afraid it might be sticking way far out, so I just lean way way way back. I know this is messed up, but this is how I deal with it. Or - avoid dealing with it...

Jen said...

Hey,
thanks for stopping by and leaving the sweet comments on my blog! I'll be back for sure :o)
Jen