Sunday, July 19, 2009

Fat

Is ozzing out of my pores

I hate is I caught a glimps of myslef in the mirror and almost died..I swears..this CAN NOT BE HAPPENING!!!

I am frantic

I need to Restrict

Just berries and cottage cheese all day

NO BINGING

I am back to counting every morsel that goes in my mouth

I am a fat pig

i have to got a party today and all I will eat is berries

Binging be damned

I know This is not very recovery orienated but I cant help it

I AM GROSS!!!

FUCKING GROSS

GROSS

GROSS

I HATE ME

I HATE THIS ED>>>I MISS ANA

FUCK

I NEED TO CALM DOWN

BUT I CANT

I AM GOING TO CRY

LIKE FOR REALS

I AM GOING TO BREAK DOWN AT ANY MINUTE

Here come the TEARS

FUCK I JUST WNAT TO BE NORMAL!!!

Z

10 comments:

Flushed said...

I really want to say something calming but all I can think of is you wrote the words straight out of my mind.

((hugs))

lisalisa said...

I know how you are feeling, I feel it every time I look in the mirror. Please, please don't give up on your recovery! I know this is hard and painful but someday you will be glad that you didn't turn back when the going got tough! And if you restrict it is more likely that you will eventually binge( but I know you know this!). Please stay on your meal plan! Maybe make a list of things about yourself that are good that have nothing to do with size! Here I'll do it for you:

1. You are an awesome friend!
2. You are a carring person!
3. You are a great mom!
4. You are strong!
5. You are a survivor!
6. You are honest!
7. You are witty and super funny!
8. You are a fun person!
9. You are intelligent!
10. You inspire others to strive for recovery!

I could go on and on especially if I knew you in "real life"! I'm sur that everyone who knows you could add to this list. There is so much about you that is good that has nothing to do with your weight! Now is the time to gather your strengths and push forward! Remember what they say about recovery: the only way out is through!

now.is.now said...

(((Z)))

I have missed the eating disorder too. I think I seriously grieved the major restricting earlier this year. I know what you mean. I have also gone through a phase where I've become aware that I am unable to restrict the way I used to and I've been mad about that! I've wanted to go back when it was all just clean and restrictive. I know what you mean. I do, I do, I do.

I think everyone goes through this (multiple times unfornately) and it majorly sucks. SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY SUCKS.

You are at a cross roads right now though. You feel frantic and filled with self-hate and body-hate. You have a couple of options.

Option 1: continue to strive to follow our meal plan. Continue to eat your next meal even after you binge. Continue to aim to not purge. Continue to not run. Continue to eat even though it makes you feel full and fat.

Option 2: Try to restrict again. In your mind, you'd be able to cleanly and purely restrict. Bingeing wouldn't occur. Sleep eating wouldn't occur. Just restrict. And feel "in order" and good and confident and tight and worthy and powerful and thin.


The downside to option 1 is that it is not fun (at first). But the downside to option 2 is that it's not possible. I'm sorry, but going back to restricting isn't possible. It will lead to bingeing. It will. And it will lead to obsessiveness. And it will actually NOT lead to calmness anymore. You'll stop noticing your life around you. And, eventually, you'll feel as if you failed.

I bet you've been at this crossroads - or a smiliar one - before. And I bet you've made the choice to try the restricting again. And where has it gotten you? It's lead to bingeing. It's led to all kinds of negative feelings.

So, what if you try something different this time? Doing the same thing as you've always done will most likely mean bingeing and rigidity and a closed off world. But taking a risk and doing a different thing this time might mean freedom, calmness, recovery, regaining your true self, happiness. Trying something different this time might mean not bingeing.

Take the actions towards recovery, Z. I know you feel fat but guess what? Recovery does not lead to fatness. Recovery and a healthy, slim body at the same time is possible.

Because in recovery - you don't binge. You also don't restrict. It's hard to achieve balance, but I think that might be one happens.

So keep going forward. In following the meal plan (in taking a risk and trying the 'different' thing), you are going to decrease your binges, decrease your restricting, decrease your chaotic eating, increase your enjoyment in life, and achieve a healthy weight (not a fat weight).

Think of where you are - think about this crossroads. Try to predict the chain of events if you take option 1 vs. option 2. Try to predict the future. And be realistic. Now, which option is the best option?

Love,
Laura

PTC said...

You'll be dead if you continue this way. Honestly, I don't know what to say to you anymore. You need to be in treatment for longer than 9 days. That does nothing. You will die if you keep this up. I gave you the number for the free treatment so don't give me the financial excuse crap.

Zena said...

I am calmer now...I went to my step sons graduation party and as much as it killed me inside i think I ate normaly maybe slightly restrictive, but fairly normally...i will eat dinner soon...as normally as I can feeling this way...i will NOT take the path lead by the eating disorer, i will push through this, this is just a rough spot in the road...i know this..yes I have been at this cross road before and I know where it got me...smack dab in the middle of a hospital...i will not go that route again...please lord let me wake up and not hate myself so much...please dear god please...but even if teh hate is still there give me the strength to push through the miserable feelings...please dear god...please

Love, Z

JD said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Zena said...

who deleted a comment ..i hate that..say what you gotta say and keep it..really...I wont be mad..JUST REPOST IT..K?

Love, Z

Britni said...

Somebody once said to me, 'you stay with me'... that's how I feel about you- I don't know how it happened, but I find myself wondering how you're doing day after day. Luckily I can go on here and see!

I read this and thought, Ok, now let it go. You feel frantic, slow down. Breath. Just as simple as that. Find a place in your house where someone isn't asking for you, demanding something, or whining- even if it's a closet. Go inside, sit down (even if it's on some shoes), close the door, and breath in and out. Tell yourself what you need to hear, which is that you will not give in to the frantic pull this is having on you. That you are stronger than this. Just breath in and out slowly until you feel even one tiny bit calmer than you did before.

Then come out, smile at your husband (even if you don't feel like it!), kiss your kids (even if they're sleeping), and go on. This is what we do. Sometimes it's just that beautifully simple. We go on.

Telstaar said...

*huggles*

now.is.now said...

I knew you'd make the right decision!

I'm drinking tea out of a mug that says:

"peace. it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

Sounds nice. Let's aim for peace :)