Sunday, July 12, 2009

Negative thoughts and peanut butter and jelly


I binged last night, on what else well you guess it PB and J. It can not happen again. NO NO NO I didnt purge although teh thought did cross my mind but since I have made it a non-option in my life I was forced to sit with it, SO I just went to bed, what else could I do?? I could have purged then i would nt feel like such a fat ass this morning but then everyone would be so dissapointed in me besides I had that whole NON_option thing going on.

UGGGHHHHHH, I am so pissed!!! Guess now i will need to add binging to my daily goals of things not to do!

Anyway I am having all these negative thought and I think it started early this morning when I started thinking about my grandmother comeing to visit. SHE HATE FAT!!! and Iam starting to really think that is what I have become. FAT FAT FAT!! the vioces are pretty strong and I am pretty unhappy. I wnat to lose wieght before she gets here but I cant, cause why you ask? well that would be Eating disordered, and well we can have none of that( said with drips of sarcasim). Is it starting to get on my nerves not that I have any intention of backing out of this REcovery thing cause I dont...DONT .... DONT!@!! I am in this for the long hall as back breakingly hard as this may be, i am not quiting.

Okay lets dissect:

Iam triggered

I binged but didnt purge

trigger = you just gained 10 pounds, but in reality I know I couldnt have right? that would be humanly impossiable....yeah right thats what they say but all us EDed girls know it sure feels like you gained 10 pounds over night. SO I dont care about logic i FEEL fatter!!!

Trigger = my grandmother is coming and she hates fat. Reality = She wants me healthy I mean she spent 20 grand on Remuda last year, SHE WANTS ME HEALTHY and if that means not being a twig then I think she will be all for it!

okay I need to do allot of reality checking today ALLOT!~!!

SO on a positive i thinkwe are taking the kids to Brunswick beach again today, I took the kids yesterday for a little while but it was windy today is suppossed to be a better day so maybe we wil do that, that would be fun.

WE are suppossed to be goign to a new church today but I dont know if we are going to make its starting to get late and honestly I am kinda nervous, I HATE change, in case you didnt know.

I see K tomorrow, yeah for that maybe she can help me with the whole binging thing,although it will be very hard to admitt it i mean the shame I feel is great, how would you guys go about bringing up binging without purging will she think Iam even grosser then before...ughhhh I could nt imagine her thinking bad about me, I hate it...maybe I will email S, ugh my thought are so jumbled I know I am all over the place..could you all keep up?

thanks for reading my peeps ( oh like my new word...peeps) thats what you are MY PEEPS!!

Love, Z


Flushed said...

That's a toughie, I wouldn't even bring it up just to be on the safe side. Less a window presents itself. Play by ear?

firefly said...

Tara: It reminds me of the yellow chicks at Easter time. It sounds like the work you are doing is good but dig deeper with your grandma. Why do you feel like she wants you skinny?Have you addressed your thoughts with her for a reality check? I do that some with mom. I was like you may be saying something else but this isn't what I'm hearing.
I know once I get started on an item I can never feel full. Last night it was ff fro yo and ice cream because of my friend's birthday. Oh well what is done is done.Yes I'm not happy but ugh deal.
I hope you have a good beach day. I'm off then later beach. Have a good one!

Telstaar said...

Hey Gorgeous,

You said you'd like me to still you know what I think about me and thus I'm respecting YOUR choice in this!!!

But seriously, binging is one of the biggest "secrets" in the eating disorder world. I do not know very many people with eating disorders that do not binge (including true binges, not just subjective ones) at times. Also remember there is even an eating disorder (a REAL eating disorder) called "Binge eating disorder" with K...just tell her! I think she won't be at all shocked about the binging and will just be able to help you with it, but she, like I :), will be SOOO proud of you for not purging when you wanted to! Well done :).

Seriously miss, that is fantastic!

Yes, lots of triggers, but you did it and you WILL be okay and you ARE okay. Did anything disastrous befall you? Nope! You're still alive and breathing with you're beautiful children! You're gonna make it one day at a time.

You can do it and you ARE doing it!

*hugs* Love Telly xo

lisalisa said...

I really think you should bring up the binge because it is a negative behavior that you want to be rid of right? Plus, the whole event shows how good you are doing, really. I mean to keep yourself from purging after you binged is a huge deal! You deserve pats on your back from your treatment team!

It sounds like your grandma is triggering! just remember your goals, and that you are doing this for YOU and noone else, not your grandma, nobody! You can do this!

Zena said...

Hey my peeps :)

SO things are going well today !! FINALLY!!! I am eating according to my hunger..what is up with that?? I dont know but I am going with it..I am in love with cottage cheese and bluberries and splenda...i should write a post about it, in fact I just might do that, Ihad it for lunch and breakfast. I dont know but I am NOT going to binge tonight, I refuse to, I refuse to let my Ed get the better of me I will win this war, I swears..have faith in me my peeps I am doing this thing called recovery, and I know you can all do this too...okay DINNER...then movie then bed...thanks for all your comments..I love you all, really I do.

Love, Z

belinda said...

i am so slack..
i haven't got around to writing. i think about you all the time.
i miss you
i love you


PTC said...

Is that ALL you had for breakfast and lunch, because you know that that is NOT a meal!!