I binged last night, on what else well you guess it PB and J. It can not happen again. NO NO NO I didnt purge although teh thought did cross my mind but since I have made it a non-option in my life I was forced to sit with it, SO I just went to bed, what else could I do?? I could have purged then i would nt feel like such a fat ass this morning but then everyone would be so dissapointed in me besides I had that whole NON_option thing going on.
UGGGHHHHHH, I am so pissed!!! Guess now i will need to add binging to my daily goals of things not to do!
Anyway I am having all these negative thought and I think it started early this morning when I started thinking about my grandmother comeing to visit. SHE HATE FAT!!! and Iam starting to really think that is what I have become. FAT FAT FAT!! the vioces are pretty strong and I am pretty unhappy. I wnat to lose wieght before she gets here but I cant, cause why you ask? well that would be Eating disordered, and well we can have none of that( said with drips of sarcasim). Is it starting to get on my nerves not that I have any intention of backing out of this REcovery thing cause I dont...DONT .... DONT!@!! I am in this for the long hall as back breakingly hard as this may be, i am not quiting.
Okay lets dissect:
I binged but didnt purge
trigger = you just gained 10 pounds, but in reality I know I couldnt have right? that would be humanly impossiable....yeah right thats what they say but all us EDed girls know it sure feels like you gained 10 pounds over night. SO I dont care about logic i FEEL fatter!!!
Trigger = my grandmother is coming and she hates fat. Reality = She wants me healthy I mean she spent 20 grand on Remuda last year, SHE WANTS ME HEALTHY and if that means not being a twig then I think she will be all for it!
okay I need to do allot of reality checking today ALLOT!~!!
SO on a positive i thinkwe are taking the kids to Brunswick beach again today, I took the kids yesterday for a little while but it was windy today is suppossed to be a better day so maybe we wil do that, that would be fun.
WE are suppossed to be goign to a new church today but I dont know if we are going to make its starting to get late and honestly I am kinda nervous, I HATE change, in case you didnt know.
I see K tomorrow, yeah for that maybe she can help me with the whole binging thing,although it will be very hard to admitt it i mean the shame I feel is great, how would you guys go about bringing up binging without purging will she think Iam even grosser then before...ughhhh I could nt imagine her thinking bad about me, I hate it...maybe I will email S, ugh my thought are so jumbled I know I am all over the place..could you all keep up?
thanks for reading my peeps ( oh like my new word...peeps) thats what you are MY PEEPS!!