Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Mood swings

crappolla i am having one of those days ( funny after I just wrote about all my wonder drugs) where I am feeling sorta kinda blahhhhhhhh. like ohh I just cant wait for the day to be over blahhhhh...I wake up feeling well UP!! like I have been feeling the last week or so and now that lunch time has rolled around i want a quick fix,i want to feel better, at least better then I do right now. i dont know what my dealio is but i feel so icky, yucko!!

Well lets see...i went to see S this mornign and she kinda crushed my little recovery bubble, SHe pointed out ( when I pointed out that I didnt think i had ann Ed any more) that i do still struggle...me struggle NOOOOOOO way, I know that is a thought that has not been entertained by any of you, right?

SO heres what she says I still struggle with, READY here goes reality:

restriction....at this point in time its mostly carbs, but i do still greatly struggle getting them in, at ALL, ( with the exception of those subjective binges i have been having).

restriction...of fluids...why I do this i dont know i guess its just to hold onto the ED in some way... I barely drink anything but coffee and since i have no soymilk, I am now drinkng it black...yeah, or neah which ever side of the fence you are on about caffine.

Body image...yeah my is in the toilet, i walk around in baggy capri pants and big T-shirts, I feel like a rummaging elephant and it doesnt feel so hot, but liek a good little Recovery girl i am trying to ignore teh screaming voices that tell me i am to huge to live.

self care...oh did I forget to mention i refused to shower sunday, not casue I was depressed but because I couldnt bare being naked looking at myself...GROSS!!!! on all fronts, body and ummm yeah...not bathing.

anxiety...Is usually through the roof and I just ignore it til it becomes debilitating...what did she say " ummmm well I just see you on a slippery slope, pretending how well you are doing, not that you are not doing far better then a few months ago but you are far from Recovered"

Way to burst my BUBBLE S.

I was feeling like i didnt even need T anymore, now I feel like I will be there forever, which was something else we discussed, my fears of what would happen if i FULLY Recovered. Like my entire support team ( Ie, Tx team) would disappear. She assured me that it wouldnt happen, that even WHEN I do recover that her and K would always still be there when I needed them, maybe we could even have coffee together, that would be nice...coffee with S...hmmmmm, now there is a thought to ponder.

Any way I guess I am just feeling kinda floundering around you know, like in limbo, and I dont like that feeling,I like UP, or DOWN...I have never managed balance...i guess that is what iam trying to find its just hard..at least with up or down i know what to expect with this...this middle..I just dont know...

okay I know suck it up, pull up your boot straps and live, right?

Okay heres to me living even though I dont know whay I feel except kinda sucky and kinds okay...maybe I will go vacum...

out my peeps

Love, Z


now.is.now said...

I've had bubbles like that burst by my nutritionist/therapist too. It is totally a let down. Try not to take it as "you're not doing well." I think what S was trying to say was that you ARE doing well but you have to still have your guard up. You are doing much better, but since you do still struggle with things, you still need to attend therapy and be committed to working on a few things. But you can be committed to working on things (body image, carb and fluid restriction) AND legitimately be doing better at the same time! It sounds like thats happening.

Fluid Restriction - I have recently (like, in the past 3 or 4 months) gotten better at this, but I used to majorly restrict fluids too. For me, my pattern was restricting fluids when my body image worsens because I don't like the feeling of fullness the fluids give me. I felt like, "Well, fine if I have to eat then I can't drink too!!!" Clearly that is nonsense, but that's how I thought. I still think it sometimes, actually, I just don't act on that thought. Point is, you're not alone in your fluid restriction. I totally get you there.

Body image - I really identify with what you wright. I wear baggy capris or exercise clothes all the time lately too and am afraid to wear my "real" clothes because I'm afraid they won't fit and I don't want to face that fear. So I totally get you there too.

Self- care -- I also hate showering because I don't want to deal with myself naked either.

Seriously, I could have written this post!

Okay, what point am I trying to make? Oh yeah....

YOU ARE DOING GREAT! YOU ARE!!! You can be doing great AND not fully recovered at the same time.

Just because you need to work on body image and just because you shouldn't wear baggy capris ONLY because of bad body image (look who's talking) doesn't mean you shouldn't also ignore the screaming voices that tell you that you're too huge to live. KEEP IGNORING THOSE VOICES!!! THAT IS AWESOME THAT YOU'RE ABLE TO DO THAT LATELY!!! KEEP IT UP!!!

SO, YOU ARE DOING WELL! and, at the same time, you have stuff to work on. But you're in a place where you're able to work on it. You're honest with yourself. You are taking your meds. You are eating better than before. And you are living life despite what the body image devils are screaming at you!


now.is.now said...

I noticed I wrote "wright" instead of "write." And I'm a teacher.... haha.

lisalisa said...

arrgh im feeling exactly the same way today! Well, for one thing, don't feel bad if you aren't able to "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" cause i think that saying is BS when clinical deppression/anxiety/eating disorders are involved. It's an ILLNESS! so don't be hard on yourself if you are not recovered overnight! I think you are doing fabulous even if there are still things you struggle with :). I'ts not easy being in recovery while struggling with other mental illnesses and parenting 3 kids. Don't forget to be kind to yourself and reward yourself for your accomplishments!

now.is.now said...

I totally second Lisa's comment. (I've also been on the internet for 2 hours now.... apparently I am overdosing after being in withdrawl)

Flushed said...

Are we the same person or what?

I had a post in the works yesterday that was all zippity-doo-dah and Sunday, Monday happy days and today I'm at the bottom of the hill and back at square one.

I'm the same with the whole shower scene or just changing in general, I do it but if I can avoid it I will.

Also direct quote from a post I was debating whether or not to post:

"...woke up feeling what can only be described as blah."

Weird. I'm trying to pick up my spirits though and convince myself to start over despite the fact that it's the middle of the day.

Reading your post makes me want to be strong and not let this mornings events effect me so harshly.

For that I thank you.

xoxo. Have a great rest of the day! It's never too late, right?

Zena said...

Thankyou all SOOOOOO much for your support, I sure needed it today, I had a little slip but am getting back on the wagon very shortly, whats suprizing or maybe not so is that after my slip i feel so much better EMOTIONALLY...yep the odditys of the disorder..i will defianitly need to fill out a BCA on todays events...to figure out the chain, I guess.

you rock for saying all the things I needed to hear, I am all those things you say, I am, I swears i am, its just i get so discouraged, well when my "bubble gets popped" I think I was living on one of those Ed recovery highs...do you know what I am talking about?

Yeah I guess teh whole boot strap thing was my negative head telling me what a failure I WAS!! No one was telling me those things except me... And me s thinking now that I was being a little to harsh on the old gal.

seems to be going around today...lol:) I seem to be either writting peoples posts or living thier lives (or meds so it be). I am glad you could relate to what i am saying i mean yeah i wite this stuff for me, but to help others is number two on the list. :)
BE STRONG my sweet girl!!! we can all beat this thing if we put our heads together ;)

Ladies STAY STRONG!!! one battle at a time!!!!

Lve, Z

PTC said...

You are definitely not anywhere near out of the woods yet so I am glad that she bursted your bubble and called you out on things. Hello, cottage cheese for breakfast and lunch??? NOT meals!!!

Get better so you can have coffee with her. That's cool. I want to have coffee with Charro. :)

belinda said...

keep fighting
slip ups are to be expected sometimes (just not all the time)
love you!!


Telstaar said...

Hey hunni, don't let your bubble being burst get to you too much, try to let the warm water that you were missing out on help you feel nice and cosy instead! (Thinking bath metaphor's here.)

I was thinking, you know...there are a LOT of people that go to see therapists and nutritionists and pdocs etc that do not have ed's! In fact, often once the ed is under control, all the other work begins. It's okay to relinquish the ed (and acknowledge when you're not quite letting go!)... you will still get help. Help doesn't equate to must have an ed! Help just requires you to reach out yr hand and ask for it. Kinda like Peter walking on water...

When he was focussed on Jesus, he was fine, then when he noticed all the waves and torrent around him, he started to sink and he cries out, "Lord save me!" and Jesus doesn't stand there and decide if Peter is too "sick" or needs to repent or anything else, he just sticks out his hand and saves him! It's the same for you hun, just stick out yr hand so people can help :).

You're winning the battles and working on the war, you're gonna make it, but its a long process. You can do it and you will become even stronger by the end. And Tara, you're not nothing. That fear that you have (I think)...its not true. You are valuable and priceless. You are NOT nothing!

Love and hugs
Telly xo

Jena said...

When it comes to you being fully recovered, as S says: I disagree with her completely. I don't know what it means to her for someone to have recovered from and ED. It seems so weird that she would say that to you, especially with the gravity of your situation and issues, and the time-span involved. To me, recovery is ongoing. You will always need support. You may be susceptible to relapses at any time and you may need counselling for a long time to come to help shape a new way of thinking. Recovering from an ED is not like recovering from a broken leg. You don't get sewn up and fixed and back on your feet forever. You have to take care of yourself and maintain your health, WITH resources, and THAT is recovery. Maybe there is a point where people can say "I recovered from an ED" but I would wonder if they really truly have no more issues stemming from it. You will always need the support. I'm proud of you for knowing the areas that you need to work on and need support with. Continue to pursue those, sweetie. :)

Zena said...

My peeps...my loves..tis what would I do without you??

Well PTC, bubble has been bursted...you will be glad to know, I know logically i am no where out of the woods but I dont know I was feeling "high" from Recovery...now I just feel like I have sooooo far to go...which I know I do...its just hard to accept you know??


I read your post and I will pop over later to respond...you definately have allot going on...

love you


I love your analogys... peter walking on water, you are brilliant..I am reaching out my hand, accepting the help that I know I need...I may not want to but I will keep reaching out...AS bubble bursting as it may be :(

Thanks babe!!! I know I will need T for a long while and S knows it too, She said that even after I am symptom free for a loooonnngggg period of time, I will still need T to work on the underlying issues. whatever they may be ...just kidding...I do know what some of my issues are. ANd as hard as it is to admitt i am not recovered..no where even close...BUT I will continue to pursue my Recovery after all I deserve it right??

Love you all,


firefly said...

Z: I didn't want to burst your bubble either but I know you are still struggling in some ways(behaviorally) . It's not a bad thing but totally can be expected. I have a feeling that you don't want to truely represent your struggles because you are afraid of what others will think of you. You know that behind the behaviors of the ed that the real issues will emerge. It's how you deal with those without getting into behaviors that will test your recovery process. Even if you don't have the ed behaviors you will still have the reasons for your behavior until they are dealt with. How are you going to make sure you don't go back to ed behaviors when you bring M back into counseling or talk about your dad? I know you can do this and your team is there for you!