crappolla i am having one of those days ( funny after I just wrote about all my wonder drugs) where I am feeling sorta kinda blahhhhhhhh. like ohh I just cant wait for the day to be over blahhhhh...I wake up feeling well UP!! like I have been feeling the last week or so and now that lunch time has rolled around i want a quick fix,i want to feel better, at least better then I do right now. i dont know what my dealio is but i feel so icky, yucko!!
Well lets see...i went to see S this mornign and she kinda crushed my little recovery bubble, SHe pointed out ( when I pointed out that I didnt think i had ann Ed any more) that i do still struggle...me struggle NOOOOOOO way, I know that is a thought that has not been entertained by any of you, right?
SO heres what she says I still struggle with, READY here goes reality:
restriction....at this point in time its mostly carbs, but i do still greatly struggle getting them in, at ALL, ( with the exception of those subjective binges i have been having).
restriction...of fluids...why I do this i dont know i guess its just to hold onto the ED in some way... I barely drink anything but coffee and since i have no soymilk, I am now drinkng it black...yeah, or neah which ever side of the fence you are on about caffine.
Body image...yeah my is in the toilet, i walk around in baggy capri pants and big T-shirts, I feel like a rummaging elephant and it doesnt feel so hot, but liek a good little Recovery girl i am trying to ignore teh screaming voices that tell me i am to huge to live.
self care...oh did I forget to mention i refused to shower sunday, not casue I was depressed but because I couldnt bare being naked looking at myself...GROSS!!!! on all fronts, body and ummm yeah...not bathing.
anxiety...Is usually through the roof and I just ignore it til it becomes debilitating...what did she say " ummmm well I just see you on a slippery slope, pretending how well you are doing, not that you are not doing far better then a few months ago but you are far from Recovered"
Way to burst my BUBBLE S.
I was feeling like i didnt even need T anymore, now I feel like I will be there forever, which was something else we discussed, my fears of what would happen if i FULLY Recovered. Like my entire support team ( Ie, Tx team) would disappear. She assured me that it wouldnt happen, that even WHEN I do recover that her and K would always still be there when I needed them, maybe we could even have coffee together, that would be nice...coffee with S...hmmmmm, now there is a thought to ponder.
Any way I guess I am just feeling kinda floundering around you know, like in limbo, and I dont like that feeling,I like UP, or DOWN...I have never managed balance...i guess that is what iam trying to find its just hard..at least with up or down i know what to expect with this...this middle..I just dont know...
okay I know suck it up, pull up your boot straps and live, right?
Okay heres to me living even though I dont know whay I feel except kinda sucky and kinds okay...maybe I will go vacum...
out my peeps