Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I cancelled my session

just now I just did it...my stomach is swirling...why did I just do that? I have allot of reasons and I am going to dig into them right now cause really i cancelled cause I am to fat to be seen,at least thats what I have been feeling the last hour and a half I have been awake...ohhh you are probally wondering what session...my session with S, you know my therapy lover. My T whom I love and adore and teh T who would never just me, yeah I just cancelled on her..left her a voicemail, she willbe thrilled when she gets it...I told her I didnt even want to do a phone checkin...i told her I would email her later...what is wrong with me...I DONT CANCEL SESSIONS!!! thats what people who dont want to REcover do and I WANT TO RECOVER... I mean I have lots of logical reasons I needed to cancel, Like I dont have a sitter...I forgot M is working durning the day this week and I waited to long to ask his dad to watch the kids so I as out of luck there...and my mom has to work so NO GO THERE... and ofcourse there is the whole shower issue which by the way I HAVE TO DO TODAY...regaurdless of whether or not I see S.

I am taking the kids to the park today...oh look whos getting off the subject... here I go avoiding...seriously I know I am going to get a good tougue lashing from you guys but really I just couldnt do it today...I cant deal with issues you today, I dont want to talk about anything that matters today...all she would hear is that I am to fat and what a waste of a session that would be...I would be wasteing her time and mine and what would the point of that be..now really guys... lets be serious shall we...its not like none of you havent done it before...so come on dont judge me...maybe I just needed a T break just for a teensy while..I ll see her friday I swears...I just cant face the world today.

On a good note which is how I like to end...followed my food plan yesterday...and continued my three day purge free streak...today will be day 4...

crap maybe I shouldnt have cancelled

Oh well

to late now

Love, Z

25 comments:

Blu said...

Nonono!!! That is meant to sound like groaning, not scolding...I just got done cleaning the house, put the baby down for a nap and came outside and thought, wonder what tara's up to today..Let me say this- PLEASE just go. You don't know how many times I've planned on canceling mine too, and I also absolutely adore my therapist. I've written emails canceling, and never sent them. I've called to leave a voicemail canceling, but hung up. For some reason, not going means something more than just missing a session. It's a decision, and one that leads down a road that goes nowhere. She will not be relieved, or happy, she will be a little sad, I promise.
So. You're not going today, that's over with. You are still going to go Friday- PLEASE go no matter what. Trust me, she's seen worse than someone who hasn't showered! Put on a hat and some extra deodorant and call it a day!
I am going to tell you this because as crazy as it makes me feel, I care about what happens to you. I had a bad night last night, after not purging for almost a week. My husband is out of town for the week, so I lost it and spent the night lost in a b/p world. But I woke up this morning and heard the words of my therapist- 'ok. now let it go'. Today is a new day, and I can make better decisions. It doesn't matter what happened last night, today is a new day. YOU CAN DO THE SAME. So you didn't go to your session today- let it go. That doesn't mean you have to chalk the whole day up to a loss. THREE days no purging, make it four!!
Please don't let this be the catalyst to sinking into the hole again. Accept that you made the decision not to go, hear the words you know she would say to you if you did go, and work hard to have something good to report on Friday. You are stronger than this, I just know it. Please take good care of yourself today...

Zena said...

shit blu, i feel so dumb..i have been wondering how to reverse my ummm really impulsive decision...for the last hour since I made the "CALL"... I am going to try and reshedule for maybe tonight when M is home...I feel SO STUPID,I really needed to see her you know i am just so ...feeling gross...and here I was giving you all this advice on how know one really cares what yo ulook like and I go and do this...I know what will happen if I dont go before friday...friday will come and I wont want to go then either...its a vicious cycle ...one that i needs to end now...okay I am goign to call...wish me luck...

Love,Z

Blu said...

Yesyesyes! (if I had the energy I would jump up and down and say it) I hope she can reschedule. :)

We never follow our own advice, but wouldn't it be great if we did?

Luck luck luck!!

Zena said...

left a message..hopefully she call me back at our appointment time...at least she already knows Im nuts..:)

Love, Z

PTC said...

No, you shouldn't have cancelled. You know what else, I'm beginning to doubt your desire to want to get better. I think if you really wanted to you would seek more treatment. I hate to be miss negativity over here, but I'm just being honest. I'm not going to sugarcoat things and say "oh yeah, you can do it," because I'm not so sure anymore. Time for you to figure it out. You say you love your family, but clearly you don't love them enough to take care of yourself, though i will applaud you for following your mp yesterday.

You can hate me, but I need to be honest.

Zena said...

PTC

I DO WANT TO GET BETTER!!!!

I fight everyday the thougts and urges and most days i win...I wonder if you would be saying that if you actually put in the effort to gain the wieght you need to, your willing to do Recovery only if it means staying below a certain number...I crawled out of my comfort zone of my number and did what i needed to do and put on wieght..Now I feel shit for it, embarressed, repulsive and completely distressed...what would you do if you were forced to gain the wieght you are so uncomftable gaining...really I think you are being very unfair and unduely harsh and really somewhat hypocritical...

Love, Z

PTC said...

I'll be the first to admit that I don't want to gain weight and refuse to gain weight. Yep, I would feel like crap about it too. I'm not trying to really change anything right now so I'm not at that point. I'm fine with where I am.

i'm just telling you how i feel and you don't have to agree with it or like it.

JD said...

I think PTC has some valuable things to add- whether or not she needs to gain weight - it's simply irrelevant since this is your blog.
Tara, you write over and over again about your motivation in recovery yet continue to do things that jeopardize it.
At what point do you make the steps needed to get out of this rat trap and move on with your life?
Trying only gets you so far. At some point you'll have to just do it- you'll have to stop engaging in behaviors completely and no longer allow yourslef to do them at all realizing you can't- ever again for the sake of future, your children and your life. The longer you continue to add more crisis into the mix and continue to seek out chaos by cancelling appts, avoiding self care, engaging in behaviors- the longer you are delaying life and the greater the chances are that you will eventually end up with nothing in the end but a broken body and lots of unused skills in DBT.
Your kids are only children now, but some day they will be adults and they will remember this. They are taking it all in- all these memories are forming and don't think for a minute that they don't see. It's wonderful you spend time with them, but they are smart and they see through everything else.

Flushed said...

Whoa-Whoa-Whoa!!! NO beating yourself up!! Remember Z, no beating yourself up! It's counterproductive. You have a goal and that goal is recovery. It's okay, it's just 1 sesh. It's not like everything has gone to shit because you cancelled today!

You followed your meal plan yesterday and potentially today. You are on Day 4 of the non-binge streak. You will see her on Friday. Consider this a little hiccup in REcovery, it happens, right? And you are doing so well don't let this mole blow up into a mountain! Just make the best of today. The Park. The Beach. However...

I totally sound like a parent or something but I don't like to see you (read you?) upset like this. You deserve to be happy. Just a hiccup. A tiny, insignificant mole of today, put it behind you and pretend it is yesterday.

Luv, hugs and vibes of the positive persuasion from me to you =) Feel better sweetie.

Flushed said...

Just read the other comments. Good lord, tough love anyone? Haha, they have a point but at the same time I believe you want to get better but I just think that there is something that's pulling you like gravity back to OCD or something that's repelling you from "healthy" (I always put quotation marks on that cuz it's like, what does that even mean?! It's like "perfect"...).

It's becoming a known fact that food and weight are simply symptoms of an underlying problem...So what is it? Why are you feeling self destructive-ish? Can you picture your life sans ED?

(ED~it's like an abusive relationship)

Anyhoodle...I realize I'm rambling and I'm too lazy to reread/edit (oh my, how uncharacteristic of me! <--sarcasm) So i'll just post now.

Luv U,
F...l..u.s.h..e...d

Zena said...

okay guys I dont want to start a brawl but and this was pointed out to me today I have a habit of only pointing out where I am struggleing and not where I am doing well...so it looks to people way worse off tehn it looks to me or my tx team for that matter...SO far today followed mp 100% day will be day four and yes its a small number but before my slip i had a week and before that another week...RECOVERY IS A PROCESS...am I the only one who get s that

Yes I have been having soem trouble showering ( I know gross) but really that is my biggest problem right now! I talked to my T today and although she was disappointed I didnt come in a discuss how badly I was feeling she was pleasantly suprized that although the body hate was liek a ten...I had still eaten breakfast by 8:30, I didnt use a behavior even though it "felt" like the only option...I just pushed through and did what I had to do to stay IN RECOVERY. I have an appointment for friday that I will keep and she will call if anyone cancels before then...but until then I have homework to do and REcovery to work on...sigh...its not easy but I AM DOING IT< regaurdless of how I feel about my body I am still DOING what is most uncomfortable...I am still moving foward, whether its seen here or not, I see it, my kids see it, my team see its and so does my H...and I guess thats really all that matters..I am DOING RECOVERY for us and I am determined to succede...I just wish i guess that you guys could see it too.

Flushed,
my darling..thankyou...from the bottom of my heart...with all this body hate going on I need support not lectures cause I am doing what I need to ...

Im just VENTING about...I am allowed to do that right?? I mean this is my blog or did I miss something??

Love, Z

Zena said...

and I showered...It was one session, I have never cancelled with her before and I have been seeing her along time..I dont know why I feel the need to defend myself...I KNOW I AM DOING RECOVERY and thats all that matters and if there is annyone reading this who has recovered tell me how long it took ....not like how long they were in tx for but how long it actually took once you committed yourslef to change...I really just committed myself to work through being uncomfortable, feeling things that I didnt want to, two months ago...before if they came i would just give up...NOW... I SIT WITH IT...okay now I am done really...I cancelled my sesh, realized I shouldnt have tried to reschedule...couldnt...am doing what I can..oh well

Z

now.is.now said...

Good Job, Z.

I "committed" to taking my mind out of things and doing whatever i was told to do (or at least intending to do whatever i was told to do) last July. Before last July, I had changed some but nothing significant or lasting. Since last July, I have had the worst body image possible. I have eaten when I really didn't want to. I have refrained from running. and I have also slipped several, several times. But even when I slipped I have never thought it was a good idea - it just felt like the only way at the time. Anwyay, that was one year ago. Now that a eyar is almost over, my body image is better but still bad. I just stopped following a meal plan and am trying to eat on my own (while still being monitored by a nutritionist). And, as you know, am just doing a lot better in every regard than before.

So, I guess you'd say I'm not done - but after feeling like I really decided to take my mind out of it and "commit to the process" - it has been a year. I've been receiving help for about 2.5 years (I've committed for 1). And I've had eating issues for 6 -7 years total. So I know it's all individual, but you asked.

Keep encouraing yourself to keep following that MP :)

And good job showering - I REAAALLY KNOW how hard that was.

lisalisa said...

Z,
I am glad you called S back and SO glad you showered! HaHA (about the shower)! I bet you feel better now though really. I get you on the whole seeing yourself naked thing though- I took a good look today and it was not good....

Remember a few posts back when you were talking about how you thrive in crisis and sometimes have a hard tome when things are too normal and stable so you do something to saboutage yourself? Do you think that is part of what happened with cancelling your appointment? Maybe a little of that, with a bit of body image anxiety and treatment burnout thrown in. Anyways, nomatter the reason, I'm glad you are getting back on the horse and called your T. And I'm super glad for the non-purging and following your meal plan even if it is uncomfortable! Go you! You rock!

Like Blu, I care about what happens to you. And I had one more thought to share. Yes, maybe you should have stayed in IP longer. BUT...nobody can live their life in a treatment facility. I believe that the most difficult work in recovery is the work you do in the real world, in your day to day environment. It's easy to be recovered in a controlled setting- what you are doing is much more difficult. But I believe that ultimately, it will lead to the most lasting change. Sure you will have slips and bumps but you are only human. And I think that in overcoming the backsliding, you are learning some definate skills that will help you on your way, like how to get back up after a fall, and new ways to outsmart ED.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm proud of you. I think that despite today you are moving in the right direction. And yes, I believe that you can do it!

Love, lisa

Zena said...

Laura,

Thankyou Thankyou THANKYOU!!!!!

I asked and you answered...thankgod!!! and you are still a work in progress RIGHT??? I mean NOTHING worth having happens over night right?? Thankyou for seeing the truth that i am doing the hard work... that finally for the first time in 14 years I am committed to doing what I am told whether I think its right or not..I AM TRUSTING the professionals cause when it comes to ED recovery I am clueless, I ll be the first to admitt I cant do this alone...but damit people cant you see I am doing it...regaurdless of how shit i feel or what my Ed tells me

I am DOING IT HERE!!!!

love, Z

Zena said...

Lisa,

we posted at the same time...hehehe
Thankyou...THANKYOU for believing in me!!! I too agree that the hardest work occures when we are home, i mean IP I am pretty much a model patient, highly complient, do as I am told, non trouble making kinda girl, and who are we kidding IP is easy compared to real life...well now I am living real life, i am taking up challanges and following my plan...I am going to Recover and teh more challanged I feel on it I thinkthe faster it will happen cause really I want to PROVE myself...

Love, Z

now.is.now said...

EXACTLY. KEEP TRUSTING THE PROFESSIONALS. DECIDE THAT THEY ARE RIGHT EVEN WHEN YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHY. If you disagree with them, know that you are wrong even if you have no idea why. Just settle with being confused 100% of the time (maybe 95% of the time is more like it). That's how I've felt this past year.

It's like, Nutritionist said to add a banana at lunch. I really do not see the point. I could get by without the banana. I am sure that someone in this world who is non-eating disordered would not eat the banana. BUT..... I am comitting to this process so i'm going to eat the banana because... because that's what they said to do. and i have no idea exactly where this is leading me but i've committed to the process. i'm just deciding to trust the process. So... I'm just going to eat the freaking banana even though I don't get why. I'm going to do it b/c I've committed to this process.

And, if you don't eat the banana... then it's like...

I didn't eat the banana and it seems like that was fine b/c I wasn't starving for it and I know not everyone eats bananas at lunch. Even though it seems fine, I know it was wrong b/c I just know it's wrong to not follow the MP even though I seriously don't get why it's so necessary to eat the banana. But, understanding is not important at this point. I've committed. So even though I didn't eat the banana, I don't think I was right in doing that. So even though it worked out today to not eat the banana, that was just lucky, and tomorrow I will eat the banana.

5 months ago it was:
Me and a sandwich with an apple
Me and an extra 1/4 cup egg whites
Me and a mandatory evening snack
Me and the banana
Me and the slice of cheese

and you'll relate with this one...

Me and the water

Me and the feeling full

Me and the water

Me and the loofa in the shower

Me and drying myself off after the shower

Me and the unfogged bathroom mirror.



Me and the not freaking as I wait for the fullness to go away

Me and the relief that the fullness went away

Me and the realization that hunger is coming again (how can I be hungry again?!)

Me and realizing that it's okay to be hungry again

Me and realizing that it's okay to eat again even though I cannot believe that I ate the whole mini meal, lunch, and breakfast.

Me and realizing it's okay to eat again, in fact, you're supposed to, it's called dinner - this thing that most humans consume.

So that's where you are now.

It's you and the cottage cheese.
You and the banana.

You and the berries

You and the starch!

THat's waht it is, isn't it?

It's you and the slice of bread.

It's you adn the oatmeal.

It's you and the potato

It's you and breakfast-before-10am.

It's you and eating dinner even
though you had a mini-meal just a bit ago.

That's where you are now.
And that is JUST FINE.
Accept that.
Keep committed.

This is where the work is done. It's done with you and the whatever. No shame in that. Just truth.

(hugs)

Zena said...

Laura,
you my friend are an absolute GENIUS!!! how did you get so wise...

Today it was me and the pretzels and I didnt get why..afterall i wasnt hungry for pretzels but my MP said I needed a starch so I had them I mean I obviously know nothing about what I should and shouldnt have so I must TRUST THE PROCESS ( thinking about making that my new mantra :) )...and soon it will be me and my mini meal and then me and my dinner and I will wake up and do it again tomorrow...why ?? because thats what I have been told to do and I am TRUSTING the PROCESS...

yes that WILL be my new mantra....wait til I tell S...she ll love it.

Love, Z

now.is.now said...

YES YES YES YES YES!

Trust the process!

Nearly every day this year, I woke up and wrote. "I have committed to this process. I am trusting this process. Even when I don't understand why. I am trusting this process. Intellectually, I know that trusting the process is the only right answer."

PUT SIGNS AROUND YOUR HOUSE THAT REMIND YOU.

I literally had a signs in my apt that said things like:

"The MP is non-negotiable."

"Whatever! The process said so!"

"Being off track is not going backwards. It's an expected part of the process."

"Do the next best thing."

"What do you have to do in this moment?"

Stuff like that.

And I'm a teacher so i brought it into the classroom. My kids would be like, "Why do we have to do this work?" And I'd be like "It's part of the process to bring you to grade level. Just trust the process." haha.

One time, some kid was like, "Why did you increase our time indepennet reading? Why do we have to do it every day for 40 min? Can't we just do it at home?" Just as I was about to answer him, some kid was like, "Trust the process man!" HAHA.

now.is.now said...

I wrote "had signs"..... I should say "have signs"


And - about your comment before - Um, yes, very much so a work in progress - as you know :)

Zena said...

NIN,

I love the story about the little boy in your class ...funny stuff I can actually picture this, what? 10 yr old saying..."trust the process man...." thats who will be saying my mantra to me that ten yr old boy...

TRUST THE PROCESS!!!

love, Z

now.is.now said...

YEah, Im going to say that to you.

Trust the process man!

Love, Laura (you can call me Laura - that's totally fine. just want to make sure you know that since ou called me Laura twice and then switched to NIN)

Zena said...

thanks laura,

say it me!!!

I just realized I called you laura then felt bad so I switched back...but since I know its okay with you..Laura it is!!

and you can call me Tara..in fact everyone can..I still might sign Z as force of habit... but this is MY BLOG and MY NAME IS TARA and Im in RECOVERY..there I said it..no going back now!!

Love, Z ( TARA)

Blu said...

Holy crap, I went to the park for a few hours and the shit hit the fan! I thought, maybe there's another helpful comment on z's page...surprise surprise!

I have to admit, I felt a little frustrated when I read this this morning. That was my first thought, followed only a few seconds by the thought of, 'how would I want to be treated if it were me saying this?' How many people have I frustrated in my life?? I have gone back and forth about wanting to get better, not wanting, 'trying' but not succeeding, you name it. You are absolutely right, it is a process. I spent 13 years- 13 YEARS living like this without seeking any help at all. I've been in therapy for a year and a half, only told my therapist about it eight months ago. And honestly, have still yet to commit to what I think is 100%.
But, i won't give up and neither will you. Fall down, go ahead, but you better get right back up because at this point, neither of us have the luxury of slumping into the ground saying...'oh i've fallen...i give up...forget it...' We have children whose entire life we create- just get up again and try harder.
I know you are trying because you're doing it even though you don't want to- that's what i'm doing! I eat when I don't feel like it, I eat what they tell me to, and hope that one day I will want to do all the things I'm forcing myself to do now.

You can do this. You are doing this. You can continue to do it. Think of Friday as something to look forward to, a goal, no behaviors or purging, stick to the meal plan until Friday. Just think how you'll feel. Make a new goal on friday.

PS. I could care less about the showering, you'll do it when you have to..
PPS. Glad to see you standing up for yourself- look how strong you are to tell others what is and isn't helpful to you- I'm going to go put a picture on my blog of Miles wearing a T shirt I wish they made in your size, because you are just that strong ;)

Telstaar said...

Hey lovely, I couldn't read all the comments cause they upset me a little and I thought that was unhelpful :)

I just wanted to say, I believe in you! I know you can recover. You might go up and down for some time but a) that's really normal and b) you do have bipolar as well!! It's a process, at any one moment in time you might feel a million things.

I don't care that you cancelled. Sure it would've been better if you'd gone, but at the end of the day the only thing that matters is that you keep working towards recovery and you are and you do, every day :)

I love you! I believe in you xoxo