Saturday, July 18, 2009

Flat on my FACE!!!

I really wanted to say FAT on my face but i help back and offered soem restriant...yesterday was a bad day. I failed miserably at thet new plan and am feeling quite in the depths of despair in the moment..I feel shit for my actions and wish I had a fairy god mother to pull me out of this funk..blahhhhh if you couldnt tell I B/P last night for the third time this week, i am turning into a hefer and not feeling so ummm good about it, really i feel a might shit and would be feeling like drowning myslef if I didnt have this whopping fear of seeing my self naked in the tub, guess thats a good thing at the moment, i feel like writting a poor pitiful me post today and sobbing in my shoes for a good hour staight, but alas how much good would that do anyone...not even me I dont think.

So i bet you are all thinking well there she goes falling off the deep end again but i am not, I got up and had breakfast amongst not only the screaming voices of my children but that of my Ed as well...but I told the children to shhhh and the Ed voice to fuck off and I ate my breakfast in a haze of muffeled voices. Yes I could still hear them but I was unclear of exactly what they were saying...mostly i was trying to listen to Ks voice saying if you start the day off right you lessen your chance to binge, so although the better half or should I say the demon half of me was greatly disagreeing with even the idea of breakfast i did it, and I am now sat here decieding what i should do next...the dishes maybe...yes the dishes...they need to be done as well as a few loads of laundry...how did that happen I have been very diligent on keeping up on it, but we did go to the beach three days in a row so that leaves you with allot of towels to be washed

What I need to is to get my sorry ass away from the computer and start doing something but i cant bring my butt to move...maybe if soemone said you could go for a run then I would jump up, but I dont hear that voice anywhere, so I am not so close to jumping...maybe I waddle to the kitchen, with my fatass following behind me...can you believe I am being so self depricating, well I can cause since IP I have gained a grand total of 10 yes 10!@@@!@@## whopping pounds, noone, not one single one of you would say that, that is acceptable, I DIDNT NEED TO GAIN WIEGHT, I was in my range, I swears i was...Now I bordering tipping out of my range...those bastards, dont they know extra wieght makes people relaspe...but I will NOT relaspe I will prove every one wrong cause as much as every fiber of my beign is sayng LOSE LOSE LOSE..I know exactly where that will get me...with one ass in the hospital and te hother hanging out the door, yes thats how big my ass has gotten...it can be in two palces at once...grrrr

i am so pissed....

I need to regroup

some one talk some sense into my fool head casue I am very VERY fustrated!!! And this whole normal living thing is starting to get on my nerves...maybe I need a good old kid scratch fest to break the mundane normalcy I am livimg in...NO NO NO!!! I dont want that..I just want to be ED free and thin...I want the best of both worlds as th egreat hannah MOntana would say...why cant I have both...why just one??? BLAHHHHHHHHHHH

I am so pissy today

Z

15 comments:

lisalisa said...

oh hun i am so sorry you are having a hard time! I just want to reach through the computer and give you a big hug and tell you that everything will be ok and just be kind to yourself and forgive yourself! Sometimes all you can do is just keep putting one foot in front of the other. And be proud of yourself that you ate breakfast today! And I feel you on the whole "fat ass" thing but remember it is most likely a distortion, you are confusing healthy with fat- you are HEALTHY! But I know it is hard to get excited abbout being healthy some times but just remember health= energy= life=good role model for the kids=don't have to live in a hospital=:).

Can you call your T or N or DrK for extra support to get you through this? I wish I had some answers or wisdom to share with you that would make it all better but the truth is I fall into the same situation all too often. Sometimes the best you can do is to hold on tight and commit to not doing anything to hurt yourself or make things worse, and just ride out the storm. In my experience there is usually an upsswing, you just have to wait for it.

Wow I am reading my own advice and it is LAME. No wonder I haven't recovered yet;). Well I care about you and will be praying for you! (hug)(hug)

Jena said...

It really sounds like you need daily support to get through this. I don't know if you can get through your recovery with a helping hand here or there and such short inpatient stays.

My thoughts and recommendations for you (as if I was on a treatment team) would be, you need to get counselling or therapy, in depth, 1 hour daily for 4 days per week (I have a friend up here who does it and it's doing wonders), or you get back into the hospital or another ED intensive program until you aren't leaving there "kicking and screaming". You want to know that it's right and you really are ready. But that takes equipping of the mind. I think that due to your body/mind issues, the ED inpatient unit or treatment center would be best because they can watch you on both ends and help you to transform healthily at both ends so that you won't be overwhelmed. Feeling the way you do about your body, even at this point- when you are promising to be healthy... that's why therapy and counselling are so important. I don't know if you should stay with your current therapist. I am thinking that things haven't been stable with you and maybe she isn't able to reach you as effectively as she used to.

Just my thoughts.

Zena said...

lisa,
your advice isnt lame..not in the least bit...its kind and wonderful as are you...stop putting yourself down okay?? I cant bare it you really are so good and kind, you donr deserve the negative self talk you give yourself!!!

Jenna...my sweets, you are not the first to tell me to change Ts but really I just coulnt..or to be more precise I WONT!! If i had to change Ts I woulf quit all together, I just love and respect her to much plus really she is the best around here for quite some miliage, I am always told I have such a good tx team...and for that I am grateful, but really I see S 2xs a week which isnt 4 but I couldnt afford to see her or anyone else for that matter 4 times a week, although in reality it would be lovely, but not a reality ...le sigh.... I have appointments 4 time a week with different people...well three different people and I HAVE got to make that be enough...I have NO other options...I will continue to work my DBT skills and try to utilize the support I DO have ...like my Tx team, you guys and an online support website I belong to. ia m not doing to badly considering where i was I just need to be better...besides I am to fat for IP agian...and we have no money or resourses and really iam not that bad..NO WHERE LIKE I WAS!! I just an extra push..which you guys loveingly give me.

Anyway Lunch completed...so thats 2 out 4 meals comleted..I am doing okay...feel like shit but I thinks today may be another beach day to get me out of this funk...at least I hope so...hmmmmm...

Love, Z

now.is.now said...

once again - the comment is too long to fit into one location so here coem two comments (I am an extremely wordy person)

Hey Zena,

First just wanted to say that no one is ever too fat for IP. My personal experience has been that the ED been the worst when I'm physically doing better. You seriously cannot tell if someone has an ED based on their weight.

Anyway, when I read your post the thing that struck me the most was the almost frantic, fast-paced energy of it. It sounded like you were going a zillion miles a minute and had really lost any perspective.

Have you calmed down? I know you feel like crap, but are your thoughts going more slowly? When I was reading your post I was envisioinng how hard your morning has been. With you trying to do your best by eating breakfast, screaming children, a screaming ED. Oh... that is so hard....

I wanted to just put you in a silent, peaceful room and tell you to breathe.

I think you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself. EAse off on the self pressure. Don't tally how many times you've purged because that just heightens the pressure. It's like you're collecting data to prove to yourself that you're no good. Don't do that. Don't go data collecting, okay?

This is a slow, hard proceess -- as you know. The things that come to my mind are:

now.is.now said...

1) ACcept yourself as you are now. Dont' be mad at your weight or mad at your binge. This is where you are now. The only way to change yourself is to accept where you are now. Some accepting, loving self talk would come in handy here. If you can't accept yourself try to remember that the only thing that works is accepting yourself.

2) Ease off on the self pressure. You're not getting a grade from your team. You're not tallying all the times you over ate or binged or felt your pants get tight. You're not counting how many more meals you have to be perfect for in order to call it a perfect day. None of this "2 meals perfect, 2 to go!" Replace that with, "yay me, that last meal was great. I'll have my next meal in a few hours. In the mean time I'll, ______."

This is not a recovery competition. this is not "perfect recovery" or "failed recovery." This is real, human stuff. So, treat yourself like a little child (read my today's post), don't tally up your mistakes, don't tally up how many more times you have to be perfect with food today or this week, don't engage in self-bashing talk. There's no point to it.

And think, who is the ED? The voice that tells you to skip a meal or to take out that startch is the SAME VOICE that tells you to binge. When you link the two voices, you're much less likely to engage in restriction.

Also, bad body image and bad self image can also lead to worse food behaviors. So, the voice that insults your size or tells you that you're too fat to have an ED or that tells you that 10# will turn into 20 if you don't watch it, that is the SAME VOICE that tells you to binge. And the SAME VOICE that tells you to restrict. It's all one entity. Do you see the connections?

And the voice that tells you "You better not mess up mini meal and dinner today. You better not eat a single item after dinner. Don't do it. You won't do it!" (And then you say, YEAH I WONT DO IT! I'M GONNA EAT THE MINI MEAL AND DINNER PERFECTLY AND THEN I WON'T TOUCH FOOD UNTIL TOMORROW. THAT'S RIGHT I'M NOT GONNA DO IT).... okay, so that voice is also THE SAME VOICE that makes you binge. IT's all a set up. It's all a facade.

I see you hating the Binge Voice, but I dont' see you wanting to go against the perfectionistic (better not mess up) voice or the body hate voice.

This isn't a race.
Get rid of the pressure.
Don't actively hate yourself.
Take a time out when you need to.
Breathe.

(hugs)

You can do this if you can take the pressure off yourself. And you can do this is you can get back on track quickly after a slip.

Don't think in terms of slips. Think in terms of progress.

A slip is not failure.

But a slip is a chance for progress.

And progress comes not from stealth determination but from calmly talking yourself back into doing the best next thing.

And progress comes from living in the moment (not from attaching a current binge or purge to three previous ones <--that's called data collecting).

Lots of love,
Laura (real name)

lisalisa said...

I'm so glad to hear you got through lunch, too! See, I knew you could do it! You have so much strength and such a fighting attitude; Even though recovery is hard right now i can still tell from your writing that you are COMMITTED! That counts for alot!
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

now.is.now said...

Yes, I can also tell from your writing that you are committed. And that does count for a lot!!!!!!!

Becoming committed was the thing that has made the biggest difference for me - and it did not mean that i started eating perfectly. But it did mean doing things that didn't come naturally. And it did mean doing things i didn't want to do. And, it did mean trying out new things (even if I didn't see the point or didn't feel like I needed to).

you are committed, Z. That's why you will have a great story one day with a nice ending :) But you're in no rush to get there. You're writing that story one moment at a time. And you're making it interesting with some high-energy and wrong turns along the way :)

You know what I sometime think about "slips" or "Wrong turns?" I think that we all have a finite amount of time we ahve to slip or do the "wrong thing" in order to finally "get it" and end up in a place where we consistently do the "right thing." So sometimes I think that you had to have that slip because you had to get it out of your way. That's one less slip you'll have! Every time you binge, it's one less binge you'll end up having. Every time you puge, one less purge you'll end up having. And it gets frustrating, having to wait this out. But sometimes I think all those slips are necessary. And, eventually, we won't need the slips anymore. We'll run out of slips. And we'll find ourselves without slippage. But how do we get to that place of no slippage? Through slips!

Make sense?

This is my theory anyway.

Zena said...

Laura, (NOW) such a beautiful name with such a wise women attached to it...some how knowing your real made me more emotional when I read your great advice...yes I get it its one voice the same voice that sats restrict also tells me to B/P...So I should just tell the whole fucking voice to blow a hole in its ass:)

Yes I was frantic when I wrote it , I was desperate for something...anything to change..it took a while but yes I calmed down with the help of reading some blogs and taking my wonderfull children to the beach and playgound...something about the water always soothes me...i guess maybe it goes back to my rowing days (crew) yes even thoug I am only 5'4 I was a might power house, I was very dedicated to my sport, I guess that dedication is a curse as well as a positive...the dedication I have is what made me so good at my ED, after all not eating takes allot of work:)

but back to the point...I AM putting ALLOT of pressure on myself to REcover, I HAVE TO, I have just got to do it this time and any tiem I start to struggle all those feelings of "its never gonna happen" creep in and I start to panic. I like how you put it that its all in a no hurry to get there..that it is not a race, that noone is keeping score..that takes some of the pressure off...and panic is something as I wrote in my last post that I am good at ..it creates chaos, something i am familiar with...i need to be locked in a quite, white room and just breath, I think it would do me a world of good...know of any??:)

Lisa,

my sweets...You are so dedicated to supporting me..I seriously wish in your move you could say please ship to NY, wouldnt that be cool our kids could play and we could chill...ahhhh dreams if they really did come true...anyway...thankyou so much for your wise words ( they are in no way lame) really they obviously come from a smart cookie and one thats been there and gets it..thankyou my love...thankyou

Love, Z

Tara ( my real name)

Britni said...

Ok I'll leave a real comment instead of an email... I just want to say that when I read this I thought, 'wow she's really pissed. And then...I wish I could feel that pissed off'. I know this sounds crazy, but just being that mad at all is a feeling that before, I don't think you would allow yourself to feel. Instead, you might not eat breakfast, or lunch, or dinner- by then you would feel very numb, but not mad!

Take this for what it is, your self starting to feel again. Today it is anger, at your changing body, and at this unrelenting, selfish, disease. But you are fighting it, you're fighting back. By eating even two meals today, you are fighting back. By writing your feelings so honestly, being so honest with yourself, but still doing what you know is right- you are winning.

Good thing you got mad so you have the chance to show yourself (and me) how much stronger you are than this disease. Now I will choose to be stronger also, and go have dinner with my family.

Thank you.

Zena said...

GO (((BRITNI)))

You got this babe!!!!

thanks for leaving a comment, it shows how truly brave you are,i know it took allot of guts for you to do that, and I am very proud of you.

and on point as i have seen that you are...you made a good one...I did feel today, and yes the emotion was pissy, anger even, but I felt it, I didnt run from it, i didnt hide behind behaviors,I faced it...thankyou from the bottom of my heart for pointing that out!

I think we are all making great strides, lets keep making them together..K?

Love, Z

now.is.now said...

I agree that you HAVE to recover. But you don't have to RUSH and it's still not a competition. you don't have to go fast paced and be panicked in order to be committed.

you are committed.

You can be calmly committed.

And a slip doesn't mean you're not committed.

You'll never go back b/c you are committed now to a different level than before. Doesn't mean you'll never B or P or restrict or overexercise. But it doesn't mean that you'll make it. No rush though.

Here's an obama quote for inspriation. He didn't know he was talking about eating disorders :)

"If you're walking down the right path and you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress." - Obama

PTC said...

I have to say, you were pretty well on your way to being 6 feet under...and pretty close to it, I might add (before going IP.) I still wish you had been there longer, like for 3 months, but I understand the insurance thing.

I am glad you bounced back from yesterday though!

Flushed said...

Seriously. Cinderella had it made! Bibbity-bobbity-boo and a curfew? Yes, please!

Sending warm HUGS, positive vibes and Bibbity-bobbity-boos (for whatever they're worth) your way Luv! Keep your head up and smile on (fake it til ya make it ;-)

Flushed said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Telstaar said...

Hey chicka

I was reading the posts and the comments, one suggestion I have, how about instead of counting what you perceive to be failures you count all your successes?? Like each time you eat according to yr MP! And each time you use a DBT technique and each time you do something positive and each time you don't do something you want to do but shouldnt and each time you ask for help etc!!!

If you're gonna record things, you gotta record BOTH behaviours not just the bad ones! I think you'll find that you're actually making some pretty good headway as hard as it is!

You can do it! You can get a whole heap of stars on the page as opposed to black dots! You can do it!!!

*huggles*
xoxo