Flat on my FACE!!!

I really wanted to say FAT on my face but i help back and offered soem restriant...yesterday was a bad day. I failed miserably at thet new plan and am feeling quite in the depths of despair in the moment..I feel shit for my actions and wish I had a fairy god mother to pull me out of this funk..blahhhhh if you couldnt tell I B/P last night for the third time this week, i am turning into a hefer and not feeling so ummm good about it, really i feel a might shit and would be feeling like drowning myslef if I didnt have this whopping fear of seeing my self naked in the tub, guess thats a good thing at the moment, i feel like writting a poor pitiful me post today and sobbing in my shoes for a good hour staight, but alas how much good would that do anyone...not even me I dont think.

So i bet you are all thinking well there she goes falling off the deep end again but i am not, I got up and had breakfast amongst not only the screaming voices of my children but that of my Ed as well...but I told the children to shhhh and the Ed voice to fuck off and I ate my breakfast in a haze of muffeled voices. Yes I could still hear them but I was unclear of exactly what they were saying...mostly i was trying to listen to Ks voice saying if you start the day off right you lessen your chance to binge, so although the better half or should I say the demon half of me was greatly disagreeing with even the idea of breakfast i did it, and I am now sat here decieding what i should do next...the dishes maybe...yes the dishes...they need to be done as well as a few loads of laundry...how did that happen I have been very diligent on keeping up on it, but we did go to the beach three days in a row so that leaves you with allot of towels to be washed

What I need to is to get my sorry ass away from the computer and start doing something but i cant bring my butt to move...maybe if soemone said you could go for a run then I would jump up, but I dont hear that voice anywhere, so I am not so close to jumping...maybe I waddle to the kitchen, with my fatass following behind me...can you believe I am being so self depricating, well I can cause since IP I have gained a grand total of 10 yes 10!@@@!@@## whopping pounds, noone, not one single one of you would say that, that is acceptable, I DIDNT NEED TO GAIN WIEGHT, I was in my range, I swears i was...Now I bordering tipping out of my range...those bastards, dont they know extra wieght makes people relaspe...but I will NOT relaspe I will prove every one wrong cause as much as every fiber of my beign is sayng LOSE LOSE LOSE..I know exactly where that will get me...with one ass in the hospital and te hother hanging out the door, yes thats how big my ass has gotten...it can be in two palces at once...grrrr

i am so pissed....

I need to regroup

some one talk some sense into my fool head casue I am very VERY fustrated!!! And this whole normal living thing is starting to get on my nerves...maybe I need a good old kid scratch fest to break the mundane normalcy I am livimg in...NO NO NO!!! I dont want that..I just want to be ED free and thin...I want the best of both worlds as th egreat hannah MOntana would say...why cant I have both...why just one??? BLAHHHHHHHHHHH

I am so pissy today

Z