Thursday, July 9, 2009

Trucking along

PTC i quoted you AGAIN, you special thing you!!!

Well I wish I could say I was having one of those stress free, anxiety free, happy go lucky days but alas i can not! BLAHHHHHH

I am however having one of those days where the anxiety is so high you want to blow your brains in kinda days, yep you heard me right folks BLOW MY BRAINS IN!!! Not that I will or that i even own a gun ...so not to worry my brains are saftly tucked behind my skull but I must say i am having a hard time...dont worry I have NOT engaged in behaviors!!! But shit I want to!!! Iam so stressed and everything feels so hard today but I am here and alive and I guess for that I should be grateful right??? RIGHT!!

SO today was my last day at IOP...for reals folks I graduated, arent you all so proud of me, hell yeah i know I am...Its been a long 5 weeks since this entire ordeal began. IP..then PHP...then IOP. I think IP had to be the hardest cause I was on complete lock down for 9 days...I mean someone watching you pee 24 hours a day is no bunch of roses. PHP was okay I mean at least I could pee by myself well an hour after each meal anyway. IOP was the easiest it was only three days a week for 5hours and of course only one meal...but the meals is the least of the problems, I did allot of hard work...allot of DBT work...which I will explain in greater detail at a later time, I dont feel like going into it right now..cause well its deep and I dont feelliek being to deep right now...

I dont know i guess I am just having a bad day and what I could really just use is a bunch of "ohhhh it will be okays"

But like PTC said I am here trucking along!!

Love, Z

5 comments:

now.is.now said...

It will be okay :) It really will though. This feeling sucks while you're in it, but i'll blow through and pass. And you'll keep truckin' along while it's blowing through and passing. My therapist would say, "Don't run from yourself. Run towards yourself and give yourself what you need." It always sounds very, well, "therapy-ish." But it usually helps me anyway - to realize there's nothing real to be freaked out about - just a feeling - and it'll pass - and in the meantime, you can be a friend to yourself. Or maybe it's more helpful to distract yourself and go play with your kids or call someone. Whatever it is that calms you down the most, go do that!

You are doing so well. This is just one sucky day. But you've come along way and you are committed to "truckin' along" till your fully, sustainably , consistently healthy! Keep at it, Z!

Be kind to yourself and have some fun while you're at it :)

PTC said...

Ha, I don't even remember saying "trucking along." Ha! I hope you wake up in a better state tomorrow.

lisalisa said...

Oh, i hear ya. My anxiety had been through the roof lately, too. Must be summer break!
I'm so glad you got the help that you needed. I have to say that even on a day with so much anxiety you sound alot better then you did before you went IP. To hear you say that you want to do behavoirs but aren't going to is just wonderful. Not to soound condescending, but I am so proud of you! And yes, it will get better. (hug)

Flushed said...

I'm so bad with acronyms. But I know the feeling of the whole blowing brains and whatnot but wouldn't actually do it.

Keep your head up =)
Smiles & Hugs!

Jena said...

Hun, I hope and pray that you can shake the anxiety. I understand the grip it has on a person. ((((Zena)))) The great thing is that you're still writing and this seems to bee a good outlet and support for you. Hang in there, k!