Sunday, July 26, 2009

Am i lazy??

Since I stopped my compulsive exercise all i do is clean the house, play with kids,use the computer, and ummm lay sround like I did today..I FEEL so LAZY!! which if you know eds its a BIG trigger..to feel like a lazy sloth...which is what I feel like!!!

I know in my head I would NOT be able to exercise normally right now even if I really tried and I know that I MUST NOT exercise but still I feel like a crap head and ummm shame to say at the same time I am enjoying the NON RIGID life style of a compulsive exerciser...and its scary...like big time scary!!!

Will I becoem so fat sloth who hates to move and its a chore..I feel like I must be viligent and I cant let myself relax caus eif I do who knows what might happen..i for sure dont..le sigh...

I read about all these Eded people ALLOWED to exercise and think "why cant that be me" why cant I be normal..why does exercise have to be have to be such a trigger...crap it pissing me off...

LIke massively

i am sick of Ed


I am sick of being so not in control with my body when will it ever end...food, wieght, body , exercise..ugh..its not fair...really its NOT fair

i am really on this Its not fair mentality

Blahhhhh

feel for me folks cause really I am feeling pretty bad about it crap I want someone elses brain...

I am so lazy

or at least feel that way...

Love, Z

18 comments:

Zena said...

ps

I want my life back

Z

Just Eat It! said...

I feel you. I literally have to keep myself crazy busy instead of exercising and obsessing all day. I never cleaned the dishes and made my bed until now. I find it helpful to do something like go to the movies where I feel obligated to sit down and watch since I paid for it. I've watched more movies (and am way more broke) than all of my friends because of this.

I think in recovery you'll have your life back and more. It won't be the same life, but it will be a better one. Just give it some time and keep fighting. You are so strong.

PTC said...

You're not lazy.

(my brain is not functioning to leave you a better comment than that.)

Flushed said...

You clean? And like move?

I think I'm the wrong person to ask cuz you lightyears more active than me! You are soooo NOT lazy!

Can you come over and do my laundry? I like to fold and put away...just separate and do the washer/dryer thing? kthanx.
Otherwise, it's looking like it's gonna be a Naked Day in the neighborhood....

Joke.
Laugh, I'm funny.

Okay, maybe not but is there points for trying?

Hugs~n~Luv over to you =)

Flushed said...

NEW COMMENT!
Get excited, I have something amazing and insightful to say!

(okay, not really. But it kinda got me amped! Was it good for you?)

(I'm a dork)

(But I like-it!)

CommentTime:

"I am sick of Ed"
-Zena

That's a fantastic thought! Cuz guess what! All this work and frustrations are to GET RID of the sunnuvabitch!! And everyday that you go with "the process" is one more day away from Ed.

You are doing so amazing!

It's out with the old (ED) and in with the new (?)

Hmmm...which is the new Z?
What is Z's Happy [non-ed] life look like?
Cleaning/Playing/Computer not really doing it for ya lately?
What's missing?
What is it that is gonna fill that hole in you that Ed left?

If you were having Man Trouble, I would tell you the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one.

I'm thinking that doesn't really apply in this situation but whatevs cliches are fun. ;-)

~Doctor Flushed~

now.is.now said...

Keep trusting that process! You're doing great!

And you are so far from lazy it's not even funny! Your days sound busier and more productive than most people's.

You know, I was thinking, can you be a compulsive exerciser and be lazy too? I mean, if all you do is exercise but you do it at the cost of cleaning your house and playing with your kids and doing things you like (like blogging), etc. - then are you really getting anything meaningful done? No.

You might not be running up a storm, but you are accomplishing LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF THINGS:

1. you clean

2. you are mom

3. you inspire a bunch of blog-readers

4. you are doing what you need to do to get rid of your ED.

Does that sound lazy to you?

NOT AT ALL!

Keep going, Tara.

Keep on the process. Meal Plan. Fighting self-depricating thoughts. Avoiding Triggers. ATtending appointments. You've got this!

Zena said...

Flushed ...YOu did make me laugh!!! and its only 6:30 in the morning..and yes my dear you are FUNNY!!!..running naked through your neighborhood...not that I would like to see :)

Yes my dear Laura,


i will keep trusting the process, I mean what else can I do...I never looked at from that perspective, i mean from the perspective that OTHER things were suffering ( like house work and play time with the kids)

new reason to not start exercising...not that I could even if I wanted to cause you all know I am not allowed...but anywho...my house is cleaner and my kids are happier...i thinks.

tina,
If I could afford to go to lots of movie ...believe me I would...you know are right ...I wil get my life back i will just have to be on hyper alert cause I really will have no idea when that happens...its been along 14 years of ED bull shit...I am ready for it to end!!!...

PTC,
I forgive you....why is your brain not functioning?? guess I ll hop over to your blog and see if i can find out...


Love, Z

lisalisa said...

ahahah Flushed- I love thaat comment about getting over a man- too funny!
Z- no of course you are not lazy. you are working VERY HARD on getting over ED, and I agree, this is how you will get your life back. Someday you will get to excercise again bbut for now you are doing the right thing in staying away from it. I know, the right thing should feel good, but sometimes it doesn't. I'll let you in on a little secret- today i would love a vodka tonic. Just typing the words makes my mouth water for one (or two or three). But- I'm not going to have one. Does being sober feel good? HELLS NO! but I know that drinking wont solve my problems, it would just make them worse, and I would be back to where i started. THat's like you and excercise- right now, it's a no-no. It will only pull you back into more ED behaviors and mindsets, I kknow you want to run like mad, but think of yourself as a very strong person for not acting on that wish. You are doing so great! You are getting there, oone small step at a time :)

firefly said...

Hey Z: I'm glad you are getting to have a life. I'm not sure how healthy cleaning all the time is. Is that part of your ocd? I'm sure that with the extra time on your hands you could find time to explore yourself. Take some classes like you had mentioned earlier. Isn't life great without ed? Yes, I know its painful but you are doing it. You need to concentrate on yourself not comparing yourself to others.Love ya!

now.is.now said...

Just checking in, Tara.

How are you?

lots of love from the west coast coming your way!

~Laura

Blu said...

Are you okay? I feel like you're sinking..

You have been on my mind.

Zena said...

No I am not okay...le sigh..aside from being a bad blogger...sorry...I fell off of REcovery Row, I see K today and will for sure have a better blog update then I would have given you the last few days....

Love, Z

firefly said...

Have you planned anything for Zach's birthday? Get back on the horse. No counting days this time. Kay?

now.is.now said...

You'll hop back on the Recovery Road soon. I know it.

Thinking of you!

Larua

Zena said...

okay girlies,
I am back on Recovery row...yeah for me...thankyou guys for your complete support.. tomorrow is Z mans birthday, so my blog will be devoted to him...ofcourse...but then back to me..me..me..lol:)

yep my peeps Im back with my blogging slendor...luck you...okay..tonight was the kids (Zack and Alyssas) V.B.S recital, and it was great!! they learned like 6 songs in 4 days, freaking amazing for 5 and 6 yr olds...I am so glad to be back to me..the last few day s have been hell...just a reminder how sweet Recovery really is...who says you cant have your cake and eat it too..pun intended:)

Love,Tara..or formally known as Z

love you all

thanks heaps

peace out

firefly said...

Happy Birthday Zach!!!!!

firefly said...

Little bit worried about you. I'm hoping that you are out celebrating. Hope it didn't rain too much there!

belinda said...

hey tara
sorry i haven't been around, things have been... not so good.
i hope you have enjoyed the lil mans birthday. i often think of you.
sorry i have not been much support lately.

x