Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Rinse, Lather, Rinse, Repeat....

Okay I know its a process...I know I know TRUST THE new mantra...dont get your shorts in a tizzy I am still following my mantra...NO WORRIES!!! I swears:)

But really did anyone ever telll you RECOVERY is do the same thing day in and day out.

You wake up

You eat

YOu do chores

you live

YOu eat

you play

you eat

and you wake up just to do the same thing over again.

you eat

you eat and dont purge

and you eat

you attend appointments

You do the RIGHT things

and you know what

you do it again and they say eventually you do it with out thinking

and then what

you do it again and again

and you know what RECOVERY IS BOREING!!!!

Its not exciting..Im not breaking any rules

Im not living on the edge

Im not being.....ME

Who am I anyway??

I mean really if I am not ED who the hell am I?

okay okay this can not be a be a negative screw REcovery post and it s not I swears, but its a question for reals WHO AM I??

I m bored

I am used to living on the edge...defying on the edge of death and now I am normal..sorta....

How does one fill ones life without ED leading it??

I finished dinner only to be left to sit with purging ...just sitting...If I wasnt so fat I wwould take to running the streets naked//:) but really does this get recovery easier after a bit...does it always feel so mundane ... so repeative...SO SAD

cause I think that is what has setteled in...boreing, pathetic...SADNESS

yes I am fat

but Iam in Recovery

and I am sad I cant lose wieght

so here we go folks...I am in Recovery ..Rinse. Lather. Rinse...Repeat


Love, Z


Blu said...

I was feeling kind of 'eh' today. Didn't know what it was, couldn't put my finger on it- luckily you did! I cannot begin to tell you that you literally took the words out of my mouth, I could have written every single one of them.

So what do we do? With our boring, chaos free, lovely lives? Who am I? I don't know either! I know what I've been told by everyone I've ever known..i'm a train wreck, i'm a tornado, i'm a mess, i'll never live just like everyone else does..and on and on... So here I am, with all my great, normal life that i've found somehow, and I feel the EXACT same way- well this is boring.

I think it takes a lot of courage, more than I have had, to say that. I think it's in the back of a lot of people's minds who live with ed's. My therapist asks me from time to time, when asking about a binge or a purge, 'were you bored'? And I almost get offended, like, 'oh so you think i do this because i'm BORED??' but i get it now, there's a part of that that's true.

So now what? I don't know, but like you, I am trusting that one day I will figure it out. And until then, I will do what I'm supposed to do, or at least try.

Thank you as always, you're a gem.

Flushed said...

Prior to reading this post I was writing a comment on another blog which included this:

"Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself if I'm not b/ping"

and then I deleted it because I was embarrassed at the thoughts and feelings behind it. Y'know thoughts like: seriously [Flushed], you can think of what better to do than eating and puking? WTF?!


Which makes me want to b/p. wtf?

Jen said...

ED is not an identity. It is no more an identity than cancer or AIDS. Would you say, "I am cancer, without my cancer I don't know who I am"? Absolutely not. Don't give ED more power than it is. It's a disease. Not an identity.

Also. I don't know if anyone has told you this, Tara, but recovery gets easier, and it gets more exciting. You have to push through the harder parts, which you're doing. But it gets better. It gets easier. If it didn't, why would all of us recovered-folk still be in recovery? Trust the process, like you said. It gets easier.

<3 said...

For a while, "Recovery patient" or "person who trusts the process" or "official meal plan follower" or "therapy patient" can be your identity. Then, gradually, you'll be better at finding the Tara under the Ed again and you'll start to be able to answer that "Who Am I?" question.

It's okay to not know right now.

I love this quote:

"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." — R.M. Rilke