Saturday, July 25, 2009

nine days and counting

unfortunatly I am counting...fucking everything, and over thinking EVERYthing..just had my breakfast ...banana with PB...yummo..but I didnt do the starch...well I had coffee..2 cups and counting...

everything is well counting..how many calories are passing my lips...how many days i have been symptom free...how many pounds I feel i have gained... allot..will my body every settle out at it SET POINT..and how long will that take...so afr nine days and still not settleing out, how many times I mispell a word and have to go back and retype it..so far seven and I have just begun make that eight...le sigh...SO i am a bad speller...so what ...what you gonna do about it?? Nothing I hope..maybe i should just eat the toast...or I could save it for my evening snack ...ugh i dont know ...i am not making much sense...okay...lets digress

Saw K on thursday...and she was so pleased NO SYMPTOMS..we talked about my "broken eyes" and my body image distortion....which I of course disagree...MY EYES ARE NOT BROKEN ...thankyou very much..I see everything quite clearly and I KNOW I am fat...but I am learning to deal with it...okay NOT fat HEALTHY but it FEELs fat even though fat is suppossedly NOT a feeling..it sure feels like one...blahhhh we talked about my dedication to REcovery and how well I am doing. She hugged me and gave me 2 stickers...yes I like the stickers...dont laugh..they make me feel good ...they are little smilely faces that sparkle ...yeah for things that make you feel good...baby boy just climbed on my lap to huggle and kiss...everyone say awww...i love baby hugs...so now i am typing one handed..oh the joys of mother hood. anyway we didnt wiegh cause I told ehr I would crumple to the floor an die so next week is teh big day...oh well on more week....

saw S yesterday and she knew all about how well I was doing cause mytx team talk to one another..for joys...SO because i cancelled my session on tuesday cause I was to fat we talked about body image..fun...she asked me what i liked about my self and I tried to hold it in...for reals i did,but I broke down, sobbing...there is nothing...I amfat ugly and stupid...she looked so sad and said see your eyes are very broken...I see a very beautiful girl and that made me sob even more, cause really what am i missing..why do people tell me i am pretty and I see so much uglines, we talked about feeding my soul and learning to love myself...she wrote down a list of things i need to say to myself to rebut my negative thought...oh joy again...I dont believe anything on the list but I will try maybe i will do it here later...butI dont know we are going boating and then to the beach for a BBQ ...it should be fun as long as I dont freak out over the food which most likely I wont...cause I am used to eating and as longas we eat on schedule I should be okay...

I know this was boring and all over the place but I felt like I should update..well you probally didnt care anywya but there you have it folks the life in times of my Ed appointment..yes my life is exciting...sarcasm

okay peep I am out

love you all

Z

6 comments:

Jen said...

It gets easier. Keep pushing through. It can't get easier unless you give it time. And yeah, that sucks. But it's how it works. You're already doing the hardest parts. You're already further along than you think. Keep fighting. <3

lisalisa said...

must be a full moon or something cause I have the body image blues too, big time! I'm glad you have such a great treatment team to encourage you and help you stay on track. Maybe slow down, BREATHE, relax, put on some sweatpants, cut yourself some slack! Geez, I should take my own advice:)

now.is.now said...

I relate to you in so many ways. Look:

1. The counting (oh em. gee. can the brain just stop counting for a SECOND! Sometimes I'll be walking along and all of the sudden I'll hear "eighty-one, eighty-two, eighty-three..." What am I counting I wonder. Must be steps I figure. I swear my brain counts on automatic.

2. The stickers! Last year, I gave myself stickers for every meal/snack I ate that followed the meal plan and for every day that I didn't exercise more than I was supposed to (some times this meant no exerciseing). So it was possible to get 6 stickers in one day! But I liked the stickers b/c maybe I'd mess up at lunch and not get a sticker, but then my focus goes towards getting a sticker at dinner! And then I look at the day and say "wow! Look at all those stickers! (even if there were 5 of them instead of 6... coz 5 is still a lot of stickers!) I got this idea from teaching. I give stickers to kids who remember to behave. Some of them have an opportunity to get a sticker every 30 min b/c behaving is so hard for them. I eventually had to stop the sticker thing b/c it started to become too much pressure, which had an adverse effect on behavior.

3. the no weighing at the D's office. Yup. I too would BEG to not be weighed.

4. My T and D talk to each other too. It's a good thing even if sometimes you fee like "crap no everyone knows!"

5. Bad body image. IT really can be crippling can't it? I know, I know.... it so sucks! I can't tell you what it's like from the other side (when "broken eyes" get fixed) b/c I don't yet know. And - totally - fat isn't a feeling... then why do I FEEL fat, huh? that's what I always feel like saying. But you're not fat. I know you're not fat.

Okay - on to actual comment - now that you know that we are similar lol...

I think you're doing really well! It is hard but keep pushing. You seem really committed and that is awesome. Keep pushing. Jen is right. IT does get easier.

And if you do have a symptom, that doesn't mean that all of the sudden you're not awesome. I mean, it is awesome that you haven't had symptoms in a while - wow! - but no pressure! none of this pressure! What's important is how you think about yourself after your symptom and what you DO after the symptom despite your thoughts/feelings.

You make me happy because I can really see this road ending nicely for you! You're gonna get through this. you will.

love, love!
Laura

Flushed said...

Of course we care silly! I'm glad that you updated us all on how you are doing.

I'm really trying to get better and your posts are inspiring to me. You have good days and bad days but you are still going, which is what I'm trying to do too. I find strength in each of your posts.

Thank You so very much for just being you and sharing yourself via blog.

XO
Flushed

Zena said...

thanks guys...I realy needed some encouragemnt today...im feeling really down...and maybe missing the ED...just a tad...i swears just a tad...i really wnat to get better but I am so tired...i need to eat breakfast right now but all I wnat to do is go back to bed...le sigh...I guess yesterday i was having a little pitty party for myself and my body image is in the toilet ( pun intended) well I guess I would rather my body image inthe toilet instead of my head..lol;)...Time...just give it time..IT WILL GET EASIER..I just read lauras post on paying it foward...thats what I will try to do today...a good deed...maybe it will make me feel better..who knows...

Love, Z

now.is.now said...

How are you doing, Z?

Trust the process! (I am trusting today. I ate lunch even though I really didn't want to).