So after my mini meltdown yesterday over absolutely nothing I recieved a very encouraging e-mail from a dedicated reader( shout out to Britni)who got me a thinking...yes I know very hard to do but it happened...thats right folks I thought.:)
What did I think about about you ask? Well I shall tell you. I got to thinking about my patterns, my Bi-Polar and the way that I tick. I know DEEP stuff!!
I got to thinking about how I live on the edge, on the edge of emotions...Really UP or Really down... I know how to deal with those feelings teh feelings of being complete is the aspect of having everything perfect or having everything crumbling down around me, and yesterday was one of those days that, although I had everything seemingly perfect on the out side, my insides did not know how to deal with the calm that was brought on by being on top of my game if you will. I mean I am so used to either sleeping on my couch, curled under the covers crying or flying high accomplishing things. ANd yesterday although I had made a list of things to do, none of it really needed to be done as I had done it all the day before, and really that seemed to be the problem, No CHAOS to fix...hmmmm thoughts...
I grew up in a house where crap was always about to hit the fan, never knowing what was going to happen around the next corner, and you know what I got used to it, i adjusted, I grew accustomed to the chaos, it felt okay. I even created this lifestyle as I grew into an adult. at 15 I created, or delveloped my eating disorder...choas...I began to drink...chaos...I began to do things that I cant bare to mention here as for fear of judgemnet. And what did creating all this chaos do for me, well it created a safe haven if you will, I knew what to expect..NOTHING, nothing would ever be the same from one day to the next, and that felt OKAY, cause I knew nothing would ever be the same.
But now things are different, very differnt. I have a home, three chidren, a husband an Ed that i am getting under control, i am on the right medication(finally) and things have well calmed down, and you know what its VERY scary, cause I have STABILITY, holy moly now what to I do. How will I live without the chaos, I have got to learn to be okay with the on going normalcy of general day to day life.
I need to accept the interupted choas of the last 29 yrs of my life and move on to normal. I can not let the day to day ho hom of life throw me for a tizzy, after all This is what life is about...living NORMALLY. and yes i have allot of questions on how to do that....what to expect...I mean I need to expect that things will be normal, of course there will be days when crap hits the fan, but then there will be days like yesterday where things are pretty much normal, where there is no wrench thrown into my plans, where i must accept that this is life...life with the choas interupted...and I guess part of me must mourn the loss of my chaos filled life. That I must accept that I will NOT be in tx every 3 months, that my house will be clean and orderly, that my kids will not listen but they will accept thier punishments. That I willlive a so called NORMAL life, and that, that to will one day feel okay. I am not there yet, by no means, I have not completely accepted or mourned the loss of my choas...that I am working on it, one step in normal time.
Cause although the choas makes me feel "normal"...its not what I truely want, because if I have choas surrounding me then I can not recover...and afterall folks that is my ultimate goal...RECOVERY.