Thursday, July 16, 2009

Chaos Interupted!!!

So after my mini meltdown yesterday over absolutely nothing I recieved a very encouraging e-mail from a dedicated reader( shout out to Britni)who got me a thinking...yes I know very hard to do but it happened...thats right folks I thought.:)

What did I think about about you ask? Well I shall tell you. I got to thinking about my patterns, my Bi-Polar and the way that I tick. I know DEEP stuff!!

I got to thinking about how I live on the edge, on the edge of emotions...Really UP or Really down... I know how to deal with those feelings teh feelings of being complete is the aspect of having everything perfect or having everything crumbling down around me, and yesterday was one of those days that, although I had everything seemingly perfect on the out side, my insides did not know how to deal with the calm that was brought on by being on top of my game if you will. I mean I am so used to either sleeping on my couch, curled under the covers crying or flying high accomplishing things. ANd yesterday although I had made a list of things to do, none of it really needed to be done as I had done it all the day before, and really that seemed to be the problem, No CHAOS to fix...hmmmm thoughts...

I grew up in a house where crap was always about to hit the fan, never knowing what was going to happen around the next corner, and you know what I got used to it, i adjusted, I grew accustomed to the chaos, it felt okay. I even created this lifestyle as I grew into an adult. at 15 I created, or delveloped my eating disorder...choas...I began to drink...chaos...I began to do things that I cant bare to mention here as for fear of judgemnet. And what did creating all this chaos do for me, well it created a safe haven if you will, I knew what to expect..NOTHING, nothing would ever be the same from one day to the next, and that felt OKAY, cause I knew nothing would ever be the same.

But now things are different, very differnt. I have a home, three chidren, a husband an Ed that i am getting under control, i am on the right medication(finally) and things have well calmed down, and you know what its VERY scary, cause I have STABILITY, holy moly now what to I do. How will I live without the chaos, I have got to learn to be okay with the on going normalcy of general day to day life.

I need to accept the interupted choas of the last 29 yrs of my life and move on to normal. I can not let the day to day ho hom of life throw me for a tizzy, after all This is what life is NORMALLY. and yes i have allot of questions on how to do that....what to expect...I mean I need to expect that things will be normal, of course there will be days when crap hits the fan, but then there will be days like yesterday where things are pretty much normal, where there is no wrench thrown into my plans, where i must accept that this is with the choas interupted...and I guess part of me must mourn the loss of my chaos filled life. That I must accept that I will NOT be in tx every 3 months, that my house will be clean and orderly, that my kids will not listen but they will accept thier punishments. That I willlive a so called NORMAL life, and that, that to will one day feel okay. I am not there yet, by no means, I have not completely accepted or mourned the loss of my choas...that I am working on it, one step in normal time.

Cause although the choas makes me feel "normal"...its not what I truely want, because if I have choas surrounding me then I can not recover...and afterall folks that is my ultimate goal...RECOVERY.

Love, Z


PTC said...

Chaos is overrated. ;) That should be your t-shirt. said...

HAHAHA - I like the t-shirt idea.

(I'm at the fro yo store now. No customers and there is wireless and I've run out of things I can think of to do - so, hello internet) oh! I love the song that just came on!

okay, on to the COMMENT part of this comment:

This is really good insight and good to know. It's good to understand what situations can act as triggers. Is it calming to know that nothing is actually wrong? Is it calming to know that, in a way, you're "overreacting" to the "normal day?" Is it helpful to know that it's just a "normal day" and you don't have to fix anything or do anything - that everythign is actually fine? Is that thought a relief or a stress inducer?

I kind of know what you mean by difficulty with "normalcy." I always explain it to people by saying that I have difficulty with energy transitions. If I'm used to running around with large to-do lists and then I encounter a day (or even a week) where there's less to do and I just have to... be - then I go a little crazy and create various self-assigned missions (kind of like your to-do list yesterday). When it's crazy, I wnat it to be calm. When it's calm, I make it crazy. Nice. ha.

lisalisa said...

Wow! This post was really yhought provoking! You and I definitaly have alot in common. It seems like just when things are going along smoothly in my life i have a ccrisis or do something to screw it up. Like I don't know how to live without chaos. i hear you Z.

It's great that you have realized this and that you are committed to keeping a balance in your life, even if that is uncomfortable at first. Your children will benefit sooo much from this! Just think, you are breaking the cycle! You are awsome my dear!

lisalisa said...

I just wanted to thank you for all the support you give me. Even though we have never met in person I think you are awesome and consider you a true friend!

Jena said...

Oh I completely understand what it's like trying to adjust to normal life. You're feeling slightly well, but still bruised, and unable to do a lot of things still, but feeling well in your brain. And feeling lost in the state of mind of normality. It's like everything is in a stand-still. Where to go, what to do, what to think? I had to go through that period right after I came out of the hospital. It was a really tough adjustment actually. But you just have to persist and wait it out. Only time is going to get you through. You will slowly get into the groove naturally. It's hard to believe, but it's true. It took me several months, with some bumps along the way. I don't know what it would be like for you. But what you're going through is not unusual at all. You're not the only one, ok? :) ((((Zena))))

Telstaar said...

Lots of people with depression will often go off their meds simply because being "normal" is such an uncomfortable and downright strange feeling to them when they're starting to feel better! THEN a whole heap of guilt often creeps in about it all. It's a pretty interesting phenomenon really. I think its great that you've been able to recognise the difficulties of settling down into normalacy. Just remember hunni, that yes, lotsa things in life are routine and ordinary... but YOU are not ordinary, you are extraordinary... thus your life, the important aspects of it (ie you're kids, how you treat yr husband, your friends, people you meet in the street, yr rel with God etc) make you extraordinary :). Those plus the achievements and discoveries you make on your own are also gonna be the places where you find wonder and joy in life... something that far surpasses the manic and craziness of things or the meltdowns on teh couch. YOu can do it!!! I believe in you. xox

Zena said...

hey my peeps:)

I like the T-Shirt too:)

I thought you all might have some good feedback for me, in fact I knew you would.

I am trying to find my "groove" so to speak but its hard, very hard...((N.I.N)), energy transitions, I love that and that is a perfect way to put it, going from being super busy, flying if you will to a slow down of normalcy which is a very difficult adjustment...I am scared you guys, although i am prepared for it, i am sure or at least expecting an crash, I mean thats the way its always worked...high to crash...its like I am sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for impending doom...but maybe just maybe it wont happen this time, maybe ((telly)) you are right maybe thats why i have always "forgotten" to take my meds because I was so weary of the normal state, I know better now, I will not just NOT take my meds, I know they and god is what is keeping me together...thanks for the reminder that i am not going this alone, that even when things feel bad "normal" HE is with me.

Lisa, Two things, one you are welcome, you are an awsome person and deserve the support...please remember that, and 2 its good to knwo I am not alone, I thrive in crisis mode as you well may have gathered from my post:) but that doesnt mean we cant change, right?

((jena)))thats exactly how I feel!!! you hit the nail on the head...Knowing that you survived the transition gives me hope that I will too, I dont think I have ever stuck it out long enough to find out, I have always gone back to my illnesses, whichever they may be ( ususally the ED) which is followed by manic and depressive states.

Guys thanks for supporting me and letting me know I am not alone in this I was thinking I was alone...almost;) in this biazare thinking , and goes to find out you all KNOW EXACTLY what I am thinking and feeling

(((HUGS))) to you all deserve awards for being so understanding!!

Love, Z

Britni said...


Flushed said...

Psychologists say that the person that you are at 6 years old is the person that you will be. Which I found interesting and maybe you might too...


I saw it on Oprah so it MUST be true ;-)