MONDAY

Hmmmmm...what to write? what to write?? How shall I start my day?? I have actally started it 2 hours ago as baby boy work up early...i have just had my berries and they were delish..i am now sipping on my coffee pretending i am in a clean, serene enviroment...maybe some where ZEN like...in the mountains breathing in the fresh mountain air..to bad i am scared of hieghts :)

So i could start by saying the loathing of my body has yet to go away and i am thinking about slicing parts of it off with a knife but and heres the but ...I dont like blood. So that option is out...le sigh...

I could say I am going to restrict til I pass out..but like option A there are some problems with that one as well...one that would not be in a Recovery mindset and two I could not risk that as I am alone with the children. and I already ate my berries...

I could say...ohhh yes I know..i will follow my MP..now why didnt I think of that before...I did but i didnt want to mention it as ED is pretty pissed off at how fat i have gotten and he really wants me to lose wieght before grandma gets here ( ie...chic who hate s fat..values thinness and "health" above all and really trigers me into wanting to be perfect)

I could talk about how noone cared about how fat I was at the party..NO ONE focused on me and if they did think it they didnt say it out loud, those wonderful closed mouthed family members.

I could talk about the fact that I yes I went into a pool...fatness and all...I wore shorts and T-shirt but no one said anything...again..So I guess noone cared, or if tehy did they once again get there mouths shut!!!...DO I get credit for going in the pool even with clothes on?? I think I should..but who am I?

I could talk about how my house is a mess and I am actually pleased about it cause it gives me soemthing to do this morning and for that I am grateful..at least I wont spend my whole morning sitting on my ass in front of the computer...and creates I knwo bad bad but it creats some choas and I kinda enjoy that...secretly ..alittle..hush hush.

I could talk about how on my last purge two days ago ANOTHER piece of my tooth broke off and how my mouth is falling into decay and I really need to get to a dentist but I am SCARED...cause then they will know for sure I have an ED and I hate explaining it to new health professionals..but really kick me in the ASS on this one guys cause I really need to go before my whole mouth falls out:(

I guess there is a lot I could talk about but really I dont feel like it...all i want to say is I am a fat ASS...but I wont...ohhh wait I just did..i wont say it again, I swears...I will try to remain positive today even though I feel like shit...i will try to follow my MP even though I am fat ( opps just said it again...sorry) I will Not b/p today cause well my teeth hurt and that would just perpetuate the ED. SOmething i am trying NOT to do. i will clean my house. take teh kids to the beach or park or maybe both and TRY TRY really hard to be a better person...maybe I will do a good deed or something...maybe we all should...lets try to have a good day folks...i think we all deserve a break from the negativity...at least all that I am bringing into our little land of blogs...i will try to be a good girl ..I swears...

okay peeps..Im out

Love, Z