Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Losses

I havent had a computer for a few days and I had intended this post to be an update about what has been happening in my life..cause really allot has been going on...Im still purge free...which is good...really struggling with intake and have been really enjoying my time spent with the boost...sarcasm...in a major way!!!

But really I feel something much more pressing needs to be talked about...and this I know will really hit some of us in a more personal way and is majorly difficult to talk about but really I have to talk about because its causing my insides to ache...in the last 6 months I have known of 3 people that were either directly connected to me or connected to someone that I care deeply for and these 3 people have taken their own lives...all by the same method....most recently my future brother in laws best friend killed himself on monday...he was to be the best man in thier upcoming wedding this fall and now both my sister and her fiance are devasted...I say this to point out that yes the poor souls that ended thier lives were despertly suffering and obviously not in their rational mind. They ended what in most case is a temporary problem with is what is obviously a permenant solution. Their pain was ended but those that remain their pain is just beginning...my sister and her fiances family are devasted...as am I because I can relate to the feeling of just not wanting to deal with my own pain anymore and I am sure that many if not all of you have at one time or another have dealt with those feelings...lucky for us we were provided with the care and support that we needed so thatwe didnt take those drastic measures...or (did) we...

I mean really folks lets face it. What we are doing to ourselves is suicide...yeah it takes allot longer that taking a bunch of pills or tying a rope around our neck but it has the same result! WE WILL DIE!!! I mean what will it take to get it through our thick skulls THIS WILL kill us for some it may happen slowly over years..or maybe we will die a sudden heart attack but the result in the end is the same...we'll be dead. And that my friends is irreverciable there is no coming back once your dead. I hate to be such a downer but really I feel this is something that I had to say. Eating disorders are a vial and disgusting disease.... we need to fight harder, we need to do whatever it takes to survive. we were put here for a purpose... and I can gaurante that it wasnt to suffer the way we have been suffering. Its time for us to live. Its time to be free!!!

I m sorry if I sound like Im lecturing you that is not my intention...i just want you all to know how valuable you all are and even when you dont feel like you are worth fighting for know that you are invaluable to your loved ones...if the thoughts wont leave you alone just imagine someone you love staring at you over your coffin.

I love you all...please keep fighting!!!


Love, Tara

4 comments:

Eating Alone said...

I'm sorry for you losses. I can see a time when it get's so bad that I would think about taking my own life. But I don't think I ever would. The thoughts when they come are just so overwhelming that you have to do something, and many times we make the wrong choice. But your right it's easy for the first but the one's left behind are the ones that get hit the hardest.

firefly said...

Tara: Sorry for your losses.I can relate to this. Especially when you think you don't want to keep at it because it is killing you. The times when you can't turn off the thoughts in your head. It comes more later at night. You really just want the pain to go away. There have been times when I'm like God, Take me I can't handle it! Diversion is a good thing in this case. I think I'vereally connected these sad for no reason days with my period. Love ya always!

Telstaar said...

*hugs*

i need to read the post again later and i will comment more then but i'm so glad you're posting again :).

even though things are a huge struggle for you right now, i'm really glad you're able to see whats going on for you and that there would be a lot of devastation if YOU, yes YOU - Tara, died. Because there would.

Love you lots xoxo

lisalisa said...

I am sorry you have had to deal with these losses, especially this time of year.
It is a good reminder to all of us that life is precious and when we are engaging in ED behaviors we are risking our lives. Sometimes when you have been doing it for so long it is easy to forget how dangerous it is. Especially as a mom, I think about how it would destroy my kids if I died. Gives me motivation to keep going!

Great job on being purge free!