Am i lazy??

Since I stopped my compulsive exercise all i do is clean the house, play with kids,use the computer, and ummm lay sround like I did today..I FEEL so LAZY!! which if you know eds its a BIG trigger..to feel like a lazy sloth...which is what I feel like!!!

I know in my head I would NOT be able to exercise normally right now even if I really tried and I know that I MUST NOT exercise but still I feel like a crap head and ummm shame to say at the same time I am enjoying the NON RIGID life style of a compulsive exerciser...and its scary...like big time scary!!!

Will I becoem so fat sloth who hates to move and its a chore..I feel like I must be viligent and I cant let myself relax caus eif I do who knows what might happen..i for sure dont..le sigh...

I read about all these Eded people ALLOWED to exercise and think "why cant that be me" why cant I be normal..why does exercise have to be have to be such a trigger...crap it pissing me off...

LIke massively

i am sick of Ed


I am sick of being so not in control with my body when will it ever end...food, wieght, body , exercise..ugh..its not fair...really its NOT fair

i am really on this Its not fair mentality

Blahhhhh

feel for me folks cause really I am feeling pretty bad about it crap I want someone elses brain...

I am so lazy

or at least feel that way...

Love, Z

nine days and counting

unfortunatly I am counting...fucking everything, and over thinking EVERYthing..just had my breakfast ...banana with PB...yummo..but I didnt do the starch...well I had coffee..2 cups and counting...

everything is well counting..how many calories are passing my lips...how many days i have been symptom free...how many pounds I feel i have gained... allot..will my body every settle out at it SET POINT..and how long will that take...so afr nine days and still not settleing out, how many times I mispell a word and have to go back and retype it..so far seven and I have just begun make that eight...le sigh...SO i am a bad speller...so what ...what you gonna do about it?? Nothing I hope..maybe i should just eat the toast...or I could save it for my evening snack ...ugh i dont know ...i am not making much sense...okay...lets digress

Saw K on thursday...and she was so pleased NO SYMPTOMS..we talked about my "broken eyes" and my body image distortion....which I of course disagree...MY EYES ARE NOT BROKEN ...thankyou very much..I see everything quite clearly and I KNOW I am fat...but I am learning to deal with it...okay NOT fat HEALTHY but it FEELs fat even though fat is suppossedly NOT a feeling..it sure feels like one...blahhhh we talked about my dedication to REcovery and how well I am doing. She hugged me and gave me 2 stickers...yes I like the stickers...dont laugh..they make me feel good ...they are little smilely faces that sparkle ...yeah for things that make you feel good...baby boy just climbed on my lap to huggle and kiss...everyone say awww...i love baby hugs...so now i am typing one handed..oh the joys of mother hood. anyway we didnt wiegh cause I told ehr I would crumple to the floor an die so next week is teh big day...oh well on more week....

saw S yesterday and she knew all about how well I was doing cause mytx team talk to one another..for joys...SO because i cancelled my session on tuesday cause I was to fat we talked about body image..fun...she asked me what i liked about my self and I tried to hold it in...for reals i did,but I broke down, sobbing...there is nothing...I amfat ugly and stupid...she looked so sad and said see your eyes are very broken...I see a very beautiful girl and that made me sob even more, cause really what am i missing..why do people tell me i am pretty and I see so much uglines, we talked about feeding my soul and learning to love myself...she wrote down a list of things i need to say to myself to rebut my negative thought...oh joy again...I dont believe anything on the list but I will try maybe i will do it here later...butI dont know we are going boating and then to the beach for a BBQ ...it should be fun as long as I dont freak out over the food which most likely I wont...cause I am used to eating and as longas we eat on schedule I should be okay...

I know this was boring and all over the place but I felt like I should update..well you probally didnt care anywya but there you have it folks the life in times of my Ed appointment..yes my life is exciting...sarcasm

okay peep I am out

love you all

Z

2 sides of the same coin!!

I dont know why but I was thinking again this morning..i know I really need to stop doing that:)

but this is what came to mind...Back in my ANA hayday or HAZEDAY...whichever you choose to call it I used to use this quote to keep me "strong" to keep me exercising and to prevent me from eating...

"Its not the burning in your lungs or the aching in your legs, its the voice inside you that yells cant...but you dont listen...you just push harder, and you discover the person you thought you were is NO match for the one you really are!"

and that quote when you look at it really look at it also about REcovery...

Are you willing to find out who you really are??Dont listen to the voice...just push harder...and one day you will find out the person you thought you "were" really is NO match for who you are...

Keep fighting girls

TRUST THE PROCESS!!!

okay out my peeps

Love, Z

Rinse, Lather, Rinse, Repeat....

Okay I know its a process...I know I know TRUST THE PROCESS..my new mantra...dont get your shorts in a tizzy I am still following my mantra...NO WORRIES!!! I swears:)

But really did anyone ever telll you RECOVERY is boreing...you do the same thing day in and day out.

You wake up

You eat

YOu do chores

you live

YOu eat

you play

you eat

and you wake up just to do the same thing over again.

you eat

you eat and dont purge


and you eat

you attend appointments


You do the RIGHT things

and you know what

you do it again and they say eventually you do it with out thinking

and then what

you do it again and again

and you know what RECOVERY IS BOREING!!!!

Its not exciting..Im not breaking any rules

Im not living on the edge

Im not being.....ME

Who am I anyway??

I mean really if I am not ED who the hell am I?

okay okay this can not be a be a negative screw REcovery post and it s not I swears, but its a question for reals WHO AM I??

I m bored

I am used to living on the edge...defying nature...living on the edge of death and now I am normal..sorta....

How does one fill ones life without ED leading it??

I finished dinner only to be left to sit with it...no purging ...just sitting...If I wasnt so fat I wwould take to running the streets naked//:) but really does this get better...is recovery easier after a bit...does it always feel so mundane ... so repeative...SO SAD

cause I think that is what has setteled in...boreing, pathetic...SADNESS

yes I am fat

but Iam in Recovery

and I am sad I cant lose wieght

so here we go folks...I am in Recovery ..Rinse. Lather. Rinse...Repeat

sigh....

Love, Z

HI

My Name is Tara

I have an ED

I am in RECOVERY

I will fully REcover...I dont know when but I do know how...

I will TRUST THE PROCESS!!!!

the end

I cancelled my session

just now I just did it...my stomach is swirling...why did I just do that? I have allot of reasons and I am going to dig into them right now cause really i cancelled cause I am to fat to be seen,at least thats what I have been feeling the last hour and a half I have been awake...ohhh you are probally wondering what session...my session with S, you know my therapy lover. My T whom I love and adore and teh T who would never just me, yeah I just cancelled on her..left her a voicemail, she willbe thrilled when she gets it...I told her I didnt even want to do a phone checkin...i told her I would email her later...what is wrong with me...I DONT CANCEL SESSIONS!!! thats what people who dont want to REcover do and I WANT TO RECOVER... I mean I have lots of logical reasons I needed to cancel, Like I dont have a sitter...I forgot M is working durning the day this week and I waited to long to ask his dad to watch the kids so I as out of luck there...and my mom has to work so NO GO THERE... and ofcourse there is the whole shower issue which by the way I HAVE TO DO TODAY...regaurdless of whether or not I see S.

I am taking the kids to the park today...oh look whos getting off the subject... here I go avoiding...seriously I know I am going to get a good tougue lashing from you guys but really I just couldnt do it today...I cant deal with issues you today, I dont want to talk about anything that matters today...all she would hear is that I am to fat and what a waste of a session that would be...I would be wasteing her time and mine and what would the point of that be..now really guys... lets be serious shall we...its not like none of you havent done it before...so come on dont judge me...maybe I just needed a T break just for a teensy while..I ll see her friday I swears...I just cant face the world today.

On a good note which is how I like to end...followed my food plan yesterday...and continued my three day purge free streak...today will be day 4...

crap maybe I shouldnt have cancelled

Oh well

to late now

Love, Z

MONDAY

Hmmmmm...what to write? what to write?? How shall I start my day?? I have actally started it 2 hours ago as baby boy work up early...i have just had my berries and they were delish..i am now sipping on my coffee pretending i am in a clean, serene enviroment...maybe some where ZEN like...in the mountains breathing in the fresh mountain air..to bad i am scared of hieghts :)

So i could start by saying the loathing of my body has yet to go away and i am thinking about slicing parts of it off with a knife but and heres the but ...I dont like blood. So that option is out...le sigh...

I could say I am going to restrict til I pass out..but like option A there are some problems with that one as well...one that would not be in a Recovery mindset and two I could not risk that as I am alone with the children. and I already ate my berries...

I could say...ohhh yes I know..i will follow my MP..now why didnt I think of that before...I did but i didnt want to mention it as ED is pretty pissed off at how fat i have gotten and he really wants me to lose wieght before grandma gets here ( ie...chic who hate s fat..values thinness and "health" above all and really trigers me into wanting to be perfect)

I could talk about how noone cared about how fat I was at the party..NO ONE focused on me and if they did think it they didnt say it out loud, those wonderful closed mouthed family members.

I could talk about the fact that I yes I went into a pool...fatness and all...I wore shorts and T-shirt but no one said anything...again..So I guess noone cared, or if tehy did they once again get there mouths shut!!!...DO I get credit for going in the pool even with clothes on?? I think I should..but who am I?

I could talk about how my house is a mess and I am actually pleased about it cause it gives me soemthing to do this morning and for that I am grateful..at least I wont spend my whole morning sitting on my ass in front of the computer...and creates I knwo bad bad but it creats some choas and I kinda enjoy that...secretly ..alittle..hush hush.

I could talk about how on my last purge two days ago ANOTHER piece of my tooth broke off and how my mouth is falling into decay and I really need to get to a dentist but I am SCARED...cause then they will know for sure I have an ED and I hate explaining it to new health professionals..but really kick me in the ASS on this one guys cause I really need to go before my whole mouth falls out:(

I guess there is a lot I could talk about but really I dont feel like it...all i want to say is I am a fat ASS...but I wont...ohhh wait I just did..i wont say it again, I swears...I will try to remain positive today even though I feel like shit...i will try to follow my MP even though I am fat ( opps just said it again...sorry) I will Not b/p today cause well my teeth hurt and that would just perpetuate the ED. SOmething i am trying NOT to do. i will clean my house. take teh kids to the beach or park or maybe both and TRY TRY really hard to be a better person...maybe I will do a good deed or something...maybe we all should...lets try to have a good day folks...i think we all deserve a break from the negativity...at least all that I am bringing into our little land of blogs...i will try to be a good girl ..I swears...

okay peeps..Im out

Love, Z

Fat

Is ozzing out of my pores

I hate is I caught a glimps of myslef in the mirror and almost died..I swears..this CAN NOT BE HAPPENING!!!

I am frantic

I need to Restrict

Just berries and cottage cheese all day

NO BINGING

I am back to counting every morsel that goes in my mouth

I am a fat pig

i have to got a party today and all I will eat is berries

Binging be damned

I know This is not very recovery orienated but I cant help it

I AM GROSS!!!

FUCKING GROSS

GROSS

GROSS

I HATE ME

I HATE THIS ED>>>I MISS ANA

FUCK

I NEED TO CALM DOWN

BUT I CANT

I AM GOING TO CRY

LIKE FOR REALS

I AM GOING TO BREAK DOWN AT ANY MINUTE

Here come the TEARS

FUCK I JUST WNAT TO BE NORMAL!!!

Z

Flat on my FACE!!!

I really wanted to say FAT on my face but i help back and offered soem restriant...yesterday was a bad day. I failed miserably at thet new plan and am feeling quite in the depths of despair in the moment..I feel shit for my actions and wish I had a fairy god mother to pull me out of this funk..blahhhhh if you couldnt tell I B/P last night for the third time this week, i am turning into a hefer and not feeling so ummm good about it, really i feel a might shit and would be feeling like drowning myslef if I didnt have this whopping fear of seeing my self naked in the tub, guess thats a good thing at the moment, i feel like writting a poor pitiful me post today and sobbing in my shoes for a good hour staight, but alas how much good would that do anyone...not even me I dont think.

So i bet you are all thinking well there she goes falling off the deep end again but i am not, I got up and had breakfast amongst not only the screaming voices of my children but that of my Ed as well...but I told the children to shhhh and the Ed voice to fuck off and I ate my breakfast in a haze of muffeled voices. Yes I could still hear them but I was unclear of exactly what they were saying...mostly i was trying to listen to Ks voice saying if you start the day off right you lessen your chance to binge, so although the better half or should I say the demon half of me was greatly disagreeing with even the idea of breakfast i did it, and I am now sat here decieding what i should do next...the dishes maybe...yes the dishes...they need to be done as well as a few loads of laundry...how did that happen I have been very diligent on keeping up on it, but we did go to the beach three days in a row so that leaves you with allot of towels to be washed

What I need to is to get my sorry ass away from the computer and start doing something but i cant bring my butt to move...maybe if soemone said you could go for a run then I would jump up, but I dont hear that voice anywhere, so I am not so close to jumping...maybe I waddle to the kitchen, with my fatass following behind me...can you believe I am being so self depricating, well I can cause since IP I have gained a grand total of 10 yes 10!@@@!@@## whopping pounds, noone, not one single one of you would say that, that is acceptable, I DIDNT NEED TO GAIN WIEGHT, I was in my range, I swears i was...Now I bordering tipping out of my range...those bastards, dont they know extra wieght makes people relaspe...but I will NOT relaspe I will prove every one wrong cause as much as every fiber of my beign is sayng LOSE LOSE LOSE..I know exactly where that will get me...with one ass in the hospital and te hother hanging out the door, yes thats how big my ass has gotten...it can be in two palces at once...grrrr

i am so pissed....

I need to regroup

some one talk some sense into my fool head casue I am very VERY fustrated!!! And this whole normal living thing is starting to get on my nerves...maybe I need a good old kid scratch fest to break the mundane normalcy I am livimg in...NO NO NO!!! I dont want that..I just want to be ED free and thin...I want the best of both worlds as th egreat hannah MOntana would say...why cant I have both...why just one??? BLAHHHHHHHHHHH

I am so pissy today

Z

Back to Basics

So I saw K this morning..and well Have a confession to make..things have been a little tricky on the food front lately:( so sad to admitt but honesty is the first key to Recovery right? So our plan...Basics Breakfast, lunch, mini meal, dinner..what tis a mini meal you ask well its more then a snack and less then a meal so there you have it a mini meal. hpth not so sure how I feel about the idea about a mini meal before dinner, but I shall do what i am told til my Ed brain releases the reigns a bit.

So we talked about my 2 episodes of purging in the last week and how last night another bit of one of my poor broken teeth fell off...soo soo sad:(

We talked about being on track with the other NON ED things in my life, such as the BEACH going!!! the house cleaning, the disciplying of my children, all things that are going well in my life..yeah for things that are going well!Right?

So anyway back to the basic thing...I didnt realize how far from the abndwagon I got til she asked me "the QUESTIONS" Like what did you have for breakfast? answer...ummm I was a bit taken aback like I did nt expect the question or anything...ummm nothing I said..it was then 10:07...well you missed teh breakfast window..now what?? well I said i can have it when I get home...Im think good reply...she thinks...it will throw off the rest of your day. I think quick on my feet...well Ill eat at 11, then 2:30 then 5:30 then 8:30, she kinda gives a half smile but says she will go with it today..and only TODAY tomorrow back to the basic scheduale of B..then L...then MM ...then D..so I agree..whew...that was a close one!

So she gave me back my basic MP, not the desprtly skimpy o ne from 3 yrs ago but the one from when I left my last IP stay...not the one I just had but the one before that...are you following me so far:)

SO whats on the menu...ohhh lots of good stuff like fruit and veggies and protiens and fats and ohhh yes the dreaded STARCH!!!@ which must be incorperated DURNING the day instead of in these subjective binges I am having at night..yes I told her..go me...she says and I trust her, that if i will just incorperate these HEALTHY starches into my diet, then the mini binges will not occur and I can stop obsessing about how fat they are making me cause really guys I hate to admitt it but they are driving me BANANAS!!!

Okay so goal for today: FOLLOW Ks MP exactly..I am already on the right path because I ate at 11...okay 2:30 here I come...remember HEALTHY STARCHES are good for the body!!

Okay wish me luck!!

Love, Z

Chaos Interupted!!!

So after my mini meltdown yesterday over absolutely nothing I recieved a very encouraging e-mail from a dedicated reader( shout out to Britni)who got me a thinking...yes I know very hard to do but it happened...thats right folks I thought.:)

What did I think about about you ask? Well I shall tell you. I got to thinking about my patterns, my Bi-Polar and the way that I tick. I know DEEP stuff!!

I got to thinking about how I live on the edge, on the edge of emotions...Really UP or Really down... I know how to deal with those feelings teh feelings of being complete is the aspect of having everything perfect or having everything crumbling down around me, and yesterday was one of those days that, although I had everything seemingly perfect on the out side, my insides did not know how to deal with the calm that was brought on by being on top of my game if you will. I mean I am so used to either sleeping on my couch, curled under the covers crying or flying high accomplishing things. ANd yesterday although I had made a list of things to do, none of it really needed to be done as I had done it all the day before, and really that seemed to be the problem, No CHAOS to fix...hmmmm thoughts...

I grew up in a house where crap was always about to hit the fan, never knowing what was going to happen around the next corner, and you know what I got used to it, i adjusted, I grew accustomed to the chaos, it felt okay. I even created this lifestyle as I grew into an adult. at 15 I created, or delveloped my eating disorder...choas...I began to drink...chaos...I began to do things that I cant bare to mention here as for fear of judgemnet. And what did creating all this chaos do for me, well it created a safe haven if you will, I knew what to expect..NOTHING, nothing would ever be the same from one day to the next, and that felt OKAY, cause I knew nothing would ever be the same.

But now things are different, very differnt. I have a home, three chidren, a husband an Ed that i am getting under control, i am on the right medication(finally) and things have well calmed down, and you know what its VERY scary, cause I have STABILITY, holy moly now what to I do. How will I live without the chaos, I have got to learn to be okay with the on going normalcy of general day to day life.

I need to accept the interupted choas of the last 29 yrs of my life and move on to normal. I can not let the day to day ho hom of life throw me for a tizzy, after all This is what life is about...living NORMALLY. and yes i have allot of questions on how to do that....what to expect...I mean I need to expect that things will be normal, of course there will be days when crap hits the fan, but then there will be days like yesterday where things are pretty much normal, where there is no wrench thrown into my plans, where i must accept that this is life...life with the choas interupted...and I guess part of me must mourn the loss of my chaos filled life. That I must accept that I will NOT be in tx every 3 months, that my house will be clean and orderly, that my kids will not listen but they will accept thier punishments. That I willlive a so called NORMAL life, and that, that to will one day feel okay. I am not there yet, by no means, I have not completely accepted or mourned the loss of my choas...that I am working on it, one step in normal time.

Cause although the choas makes me feel "normal"...its not what I truely want, because if I have choas surrounding me then I can not recover...and afterall folks that is my ultimate goal...RECOVERY.

Love, Z

Must gather myself

okay I am kinda off the balance beam right now...

Shaking as you will. cant quite gather my thoughts to even type correctly but I am here to try and collect myself to focus on living my life and getting on track with the things I NEED to do today. I need to clean my Kitchen floor, I dont NEED to but I want to cause if I wait til tomorrow it will be gross so thats next on my list, or should I say first on my list casue all I have done today is the dishes.

geez if I could just stop shaking I think I would be good...what is my problem??

I thought it was cause I didnt have any smokes but I got some so we should be good on that front...I ate breakfast..late...quite a bit late..well just now which is lunch time but at least I ate right??

okay so what shall I do??

Clean Kitchen

clean bathroom

take shower

clean living room

do laundry

take kids to beach

I WILL accompli

well I will acomplish all these things on my list or I will be a failure for the day...well thats kinda black and white but really I wont feel right unless I do it all...ALLLLLLL!!!

ohhh and Lisa I wrote a list of meds if you wnat to check it out...couple posts down...Love you all...wish me luck

Love, Z

Mood swings

crappolla i am having one of those days ( funny after I just wrote about all my wonder drugs) where I am feeling sorta kinda blahhhhhhhh. like ohh I just cant wait for the day to be over blahhhhh...I wake up feeling well UP!! like I have been feeling the last week or so and now that lunch time has rolled around i want a quick fix,i want to feel better, at least better then I do right now. i dont know what my dealio is but i feel so icky, yucko!!

Well lets see...i went to see S this mornign and she kinda crushed my little recovery bubble, SHe pointed out ( when I pointed out that I didnt think i had ann Ed any more) that i do still struggle...me struggle NOOOOOOO way, I know that is a thought that has not been entertained by any of you, right?

SO heres what she says I still struggle with, READY here goes reality:

restriction....at this point in time its mostly carbs, but i do still greatly struggle getting them in, at ALL, ( with the exception of those subjective binges i have been having).

restriction...of fluids...why I do this i dont know i guess its just to hold onto the ED in some way... I barely drink anything but coffee and since i have no soymilk, I am now drinkng it black...yeah, or neah which ever side of the fence you are on about caffine.

Body image...yeah my is in the toilet, i walk around in baggy capri pants and big T-shirts, I feel like a rummaging elephant and it doesnt feel so hot, but liek a good little Recovery girl i am trying to ignore teh screaming voices that tell me i am to huge to live.

self care...oh did I forget to mention i refused to shower sunday, not casue I was depressed but because I couldnt bare being naked looking at myself...GROSS!!!! on all fronts, body and ummm yeah...not bathing.

anxiety...Is usually through the roof and I just ignore it til it becomes debilitating...what did she say " ummmm well I just see you on a slippery slope, pretending how well you are doing, not that you are not doing far better then a few months ago but you are far from Recovered"

Way to burst my BUBBLE S.

I was feeling like i didnt even need T anymore, now I feel like I will be there forever, which was something else we discussed, my fears of what would happen if i FULLY Recovered. Like my entire support team ( Ie, Tx team) would disappear. She assured me that it wouldnt happen, that even WHEN I do recover that her and K would always still be there when I needed them, maybe we could even have coffee together, that would be nice...coffee with S...hmmmmm, now there is a thought to ponder.

Any way I guess I am just feeling kinda floundering around you know, like in limbo, and I dont like that feeling,I like UP, or DOWN...I have never managed balance...i guess that is what iam trying to find its just hard..at least with up or down i know what to expect with this...this middle..I just dont know...

okay I know suck it up, pull up your boot straps and live, right?

Okay heres to me living even though I dont know whay I feel except kinda sucky and kinds okay...maybe I will go vacum...

out my peeps

Love, Z

Quick and boreing

AS promised my here is a lovely Drug list and what they are for be forewarned I take quite a few meds so here goes it:

Depression: Lexapro...20mg one time a day in morning, the wonder drug that has gotten me out of the miserable funk I have been in for many a months. It has made me feel like ummm well me again, i feel like the terriable wieght that was glued to my shoulders has been lifted!!!

Anxiety: a blog roll if you will....The wonderdrug catagories of benzos

clonazepam: .5 mg 2xs a day morning and night, its my saving grace and prevents me from wanting to crawl out of my every growing skin:0, It calms me down so I can think and I mean think not thought racing!!!

Vistaril: 25mg three times a day one with each meal, well actually thirty minutes prior to a meal...guess its suppossed to make me more realxed, I suppose I would notice a big difference if I didnt take it, which i would never do casue Iam a good little patient;)

anti-physcotics: or my Bi-polar meds. Lamictal 100mg 2 times a day for a total of 200 mg daily to be revised at any point and time like maybe tomorrow when I see P-doc, help with the mood issues, the thought racing, and the over all feelings of be very imbalanced.

and lastly but not leastly Risperdone: .5 mg three times a day half hour before meals, to umm calm me down, stop food thoughts and to stablize mood.

So there you have it folks my blog roll of medications and umm what they do for me, at least a little of what they do for me, I am sure they do more but I am no P-doc, so its just what i notice...and I dont know,people ( family) say I am on to many meds but I disagree I mean if it keeps me sane then whats the harm, other then the hefty bill ...which is mighty hefty by the way. SO I guess they and some DBT work are why i ahve been so ME again, bet you are all glad I am back, for reals.

K my peeps, I am out and off to see S...wish me luck

I might have another post later today hey you never know with a grovie girl like me and all the interesting things I do :)

Love, Z

Chillaxing

hey my peeps :)

I love that word!!!

whats happening in the lives of my blogger buddies?? Me oh well since you asked I had a good no make that GREAT weekend!!

Totally relaxed!!

No more Behaiors for the rest of the weekend which makes any weekend GREAT!!! Right? RIGHT!!!

lets see Saturday I took Alyssa to a Birthday party at BUILD a BEAR, and she had a blast, she got the cutest little bear and she named her sarah,( and off course thats where she wants her party to be next yr, only I think its mad expensive , like mucho dinero) I will tell my sister it was named after her but in reality i think she named the bear after my step-sons girlfriend who went camping with us last weekend. Oh which by teh way they are going to open a makeup shop ( so they say) and make us oddles of money!! who will by the makeup I am wondering that myself but ALyssa wants to have a slushie sale so she can make the money to open up her makeup store, yes my darling is such a entrepanure(sp), so lets see...

I took the boys swimming at my moms while she was at the party, and I put Isaiah is a life jacket and he flipped over, he didnt think it was funny but I sure di as he layed on his back screaming, he couldnt get his body upright, i am not a mean mom, so i quickly swooped him up and put him in a life raft where he relaxed for a good fifteen minutes, and if you have a 2 yr old or know one you know thats a long time for them to do one thing. He was so cute just laying there are chilaxed. Zackman got a very quick swimming lesson...and I am sure you are thinking whats so cute about that well here it is folks, we went to get all the life jackets out of my moms shed, and a mouse had eaten through all of them except Alyssas, so what did he have to wear, a pretty pick one, awwww he was so cute dressed in pink :) anyway he gathered his courage cause usally he is kinda wimpy when it comes to water, and jumped in!!! and did the doggy paddle for a little while...he was so excited that he is learning how to swim..it was a real kicker, him paddeling around in his little pink life jacket..not just any life jacket but a full body one!!!

SO we went to Pick up ALyssa and of course she was pissed she didnt get to go swimming...and tehn she started whinning it was "sweating" out, SO I gathered my crew and headed over to Brunswick beach about 2 miles from my house and tehy frolicked in the water for about an hour and a half, Jumping off the Dock, and swimming around. Alyssa is a pretty good swimmer and as she would say a little mermaid, so she was going deep in the water yelling " mommy LOOK" every 2 minutes..it got a little wearing but it was fun. then Isaiah got the idea he was goignto jump off the dock too, SO for about 20 minutes He help my hand and "jumped" off the dock, he was so cute! They played on the playground that is right at the beach for a while before it started to rain..so we packed it up and went home, It was about six by this point, so we had dinner and snuggled into bed to watch the "The Cat in the Hat" for about the 15th time and we all fell asleep together...awwww a family moment.

Yesterday...hmmmmm lets see, i spent most of the morning cleaning, and you will be pleased to know you can now walk into Alyssa room...where before you could not set foot in her room for fear of breaking a bone by tripping...but alas it tis now clean!! after 3 bags of crap Broken toys a the like were removed from her room, it took us an hour and a half but it was a job well done!! then we moved into the Z mans room, and quickly cleaned that as I had just cleaned it on friday so it wasnt that messy but boys mess things pretty easily so it still needed to be cleaned. Then we layed the baby down for a nap ( I say we but mean me :) ) and the two older ones played in the pool while chilled on the deck catching soem rays although you would never know it cause I had to get up every 5 minutes to watch them do some kind of trick.

Oh and teh best part of the day was when my H and my step son FIXED my car...HORRAY!!! No more driving around in a death wagon. SO my inlaws came up for a few minutes and ended up taking the two older ones to walmart and they came back with a little pool for Isaiah!!! Yeah so now he has his own pool, he is so excited!!! So I watched him splash around in that for a while, which was cute and then we had a BBQ, to celebrate my fixed car!!! by then it was 7:30...so what did we do...ofcourse we settled in to watch "The Cat in the HAT" AGAIN!!!! we all fell asleep in my bed again...H man wasnt to happy bout that, cause he had to sleep on the couch, but it was cute. So that was my chillaxed weekend.

I think I will take the kids to the beach again today if it warms up...It is supper fun to watch them frolick around.

Hope you all had a weekend as relaxing as mine...ohhh can you tell that my new drugs are working?? I didnt lay on the couch and cry all weekend..but thats another post..I will write about all my yummy drugs sometime soon...see now you have soemthing to look foward to:)

Love,Z

Negative thoughts and peanut butter and jelly

UGGGGHHHHH!!!

I binged last night, on what else well you guess it PB and J. It can not happen again. NO NO NO I didnt purge although teh thought did cross my mind but since I have made it a non-option in my life I was forced to sit with it, SO I just went to bed, what else could I do?? I could have purged then i would nt feel like such a fat ass this morning but then everyone would be so dissapointed in me besides I had that whole NON_option thing going on.

UGGGHHHHHH, I am so pissed!!! Guess now i will need to add binging to my daily goals of things not to do!

Anyway I am having all these negative thought and I think it started early this morning when I started thinking about my grandmother comeing to visit. SHE HATE FAT!!! and Iam starting to really think that is what I have become. FAT FAT FAT!! the vioces are pretty strong and I am pretty unhappy. I wnat to lose wieght before she gets here but I cant, cause why you ask? well that would be Eating disordered, and well we can have none of that( said with drips of sarcasim). Is it starting to get on my nerves not that I have any intention of backing out of this REcovery thing cause I dont...DONT .... DONT!@!! I am in this for the long hall as back breakingly hard as this may be, i am not quiting.

Okay lets dissect:

Iam triggered

I binged but didnt purge

trigger = you just gained 10 pounds, but in reality I know I couldnt have right? that would be humanly impossiable....yeah right thats what they say but all us EDed girls know it sure feels like you gained 10 pounds over night. SO I dont care about logic i FEEL fatter!!!


Trigger = my grandmother is coming and she hates fat. Reality = She wants me healthy I mean she spent 20 grand on Remuda last year, SHE WANTS ME HEALTHY and if that means not being a twig then I think she will be all for it!

okay I need to do allot of reality checking today ALLOT!~!!

SO on a positive i thinkwe are taking the kids to Brunswick beach again today, I took the kids yesterday for a little while but it was windy today is suppossed to be a better day so maybe we wil do that, that would be fun.

WE are suppossed to be goign to a new church today but I dont know if we are going to make its starting to get late and honestly I am kinda nervous, I HATE change, in case you didnt know.

I see K tomorrow, yeah for that maybe she can help me with the whole binging thing,although it will be very hard to admitt it i mean the shame I feel is great, how would you guys go about bringing up binging without purging will she think Iam even grosser then before...ughhhh I could nt imagine her thinking bad about me, I hate it...maybe I will email S, ugh my thought are so jumbled I know I am all over the place..could you all keep up?

thanks for reading my peeps ( oh like my new word...peeps) thats what you are MY PEEPS!!

Love, Z

S session

wowser did we have a great session!!!! SO lets see if I can remember all we talked about...hmmmm she started off saying three things to me: first she said catch me up on symptom use, which I did....some purging, some restricting, no exercise and of course she was thrilled because my reduction in symptom use is phenomal, i went from purging 5-6 xs a day to 2-3 timee a week she was thrilled about that. Of corse she said the ultimate goal is to make teh behavior nil as in gone completely, becasue we know what a slippery slope it can be for me...like one slip and down I start to tumble, kinda like jack and jill if you will.

So her second question was what did you learn a seemily obvious question as she hasnt seen me in 5 weeks. BOy did I have allot to say, I mean I could nt stop talking about all I learned, all about DBT skills, and Radical acceptance, and doing tons of BCAs, learning all about my triggers, like I KNOW 4 pm is a very vulnerable time for, we decieded ( and ofcourse to consult K) it might be a blood sugar thing and maybe I need to eat a snack around that time like a planned snack not one that I would feel guilty about, cause I guess a drop in blood sugar can feel allot like a panic attack and because my hunger cues arent yet where they need to be I might not be able to tell the difference..hmmm something to ponder a little more.

So then her third question was what needs to change and she was like you have changed so much but lets go there anyway so we did and to my suprize she is all for following the DBT moduale that I have coem to knwo and work with very well. We continue to do daily diary cards and I must bring them into each session and of course any time I engage in a behavior such as restricting, purging or body checking ( my form of weighing) I will need to fill out a BCA (behavior chain analysis) and bring it into our session. I am also to check in at least once a week by email even though I see her every tues and friday, she really wants me to check in friday night and give her my weekend plan as to keep me focused on my goals!

We also talked about having daily (albiet small) goals I can achieve every day, todays goals were to clean kitchen, bathroom and playroom, SO far I have all done but the playroom, go me. and to add to the agenda I am suppossed to do soemthing every day (excluding computer time) that has to do with living my "REAL" life, today will be watching the kids paly in the pool and the yard after the baby lays down for a nap...whew...we talked about allot and she is wicked proud of how I have been able to articulate my needs and wants and desires...for not only RECOVERY but for life in general.

I know this was a semi boreing post but I wanted to express how well I am actually doing compared to yesterday whiner of a post.

Okay much love my peeps

Z

Trucking along

PTC i quoted you AGAIN, you special thing you!!!

Well I wish I could say I was having one of those stress free, anxiety free, happy go lucky days but alas i can not! BLAHHHHHH

I am however having one of those days where the anxiety is so high you want to blow your brains in kinda days, yep you heard me right folks BLOW MY BRAINS IN!!! Not that I will or that i even own a gun ...so not to worry my brains are saftly tucked behind my skull but I must say i am having a hard time...dont worry I have NOT engaged in behaviors!!! But shit I want to!!! Iam so stressed and everything feels so hard today but I am here and alive and I guess for that I should be grateful right??? RIGHT!!

SO today was my last day at IOP...for reals folks I graduated, arent you all so proud of me, hell yeah i know I am...Its been a long 5 weeks since this entire ordeal began. IP..then PHP...then IOP. I think IP had to be the hardest cause I was on complete lock down for 9 days...I mean someone watching you pee 24 hours a day is no bunch of roses. PHP was okay I mean at least I could pee by myself well an hour after each meal anyway. IOP was the easiest it was only three days a week for 5hours and of course only one meal...but the meals is the least of the problems, I did allot of hard work...allot of DBT work...which I will explain in greater detail at a later time, I dont feel like going into it right now..cause well its deep and I dont feelliek being to deep right now...

I dont know i guess I am just having a bad day and what I could really just use is a bunch of "ohhhh it will be okays"

But like PTC said I am here trucking along!!

Love, Z

Grafton Lake beach

Here are a few pics of our monday!!! My kids Rock!!! Ill update better later just wanted to share.



So I forgot my camera when we went camping but we went to the beach the day after we got back and I remembered my camera so here are a few pics from our day at the beach!!!

Alyssa is a mermaid in case you couldnt tell..lol

Zack and Isaiah were playing in a mud puddle

and well the little guy was just happy to be there...and so was I!!!

Love, Z