I need help!!

and I dont know what Iam goignto do or where i am going to get it from but fuck all hell i need help...

Im sad, like so sad it hurts to be awake...my body is tired ALL the time, I dont want to live anymore,i ahve a headache and things dont seem to be getting much better, I need to hold on folks 18 more days...just let me hold on dont let em die in the mean time and by die i mean by a forced hand my health isnt to bad ( at least i dont think but one never really knows)

I see doc A on the 8th and hopefully she will clear me to do PHP on the 18th what day of teh week is teh 18th I dont even know

Alyssas meet

This Isaiahs second birthday
and this is my princess
<and again

see this is what i have to live for


Love, Z

the deal

I want so bad to write an uplifting post where everyone is like go Z you rock, your gonna kick this thing and finally win the war, but really I dont think i can. Not that i couldnt write a happy post but it would be all bullshit and this is my blog so whats the point of writting a bunch of bullshit anyay. ....I feel like since i wrote the bitch fest on my kiddos everyones mad at me, liek teh only people who understood that it was a pure vent were teh chics who actually had kids and know how fustrating tehy can be whether you have an Ed or not...well since tehn I have been laying down teh law something i rarely do cause i feel so guilty for having an Ed, i let tehm get a way with murder....but I have been more strict lately and not yelling as much...I just simply tell it like it is and sometimes they listenand sometimes tehy get puninished thats just the way it is.

Its been raining allot here so I think that is making me depressed...random thought..but I might be doing PHP over the summer, M is going to work the night shift for three months ( which means he CANT drink) yeah!!!! which means he will be home for 2 out of 3 meals instead of none( hes never home for dinner cause he works OT)which might help me out but i dont know...anyway i might be doing PHP when the kids finish school, I dont know I dont know if I should even bother will it even help me this will be my third summer spent in tx, my third summer spent away from or without my kids do you know how bad that makes me feel...Do you guys even know, i mean I love my kids so much and it sucks and now i am freaking crying guys things just suck so bad.

I have to get labs done ...my pdoc is sending me cause she is worrying about me so now I have her worrying about me too...great I am sick of every one worrying about me, really i am. And I know the way to stop having people worry about me is to just eat but I cant I just cant, something is holding me back. what the fuck it is i cant tell you...but its something.

My grandmother is sick the only thing that is keeping her heart beating is her pacemaker which makes me very sad, cause I lost my grandfather a year and a half ago and now i just couldnt bear it if she dies too, I know she wants to but cant she live for us I mean we need her...really I live for other people, so why cant she?? AM I just being selfish...yeah most likely but I dont want her to die, I dont!!

So the deal i bet you are all thinking what the hell is the deal...well really I dont know, the deal is i am fasting til I cant take it anymore...i need to numb the pain of everything and thats the only way I can deal with it...pain of what i dont know..but it all hurt sjust so much I cant bare it much more.

Love, Z

Be real

another chapter out of the "Life without Ed" book is called be real...So right now Ed wants me to purge, i am going to seperate the 2 voices and try a figure out what i want....I want to be real!!! i want to live a real life with real joys!! Like today for instance i went on a field trip without Ed tagging along...we went to five rivers with Zacks class and we learned all about nature and we saw frogs and geese with thier gooslings, all sorts of bugs and we even got to try honey out of the hive...it was great! i spent the whole morning thinking how great it was that my boys got to experiance nature for real.

So whats my point well Ed wants me to decieve me into thinking that, that was unimportant cause it didnt mean i lost anywieght. But i know it was real, it was a real experiance that i will get to tuck away in my memory box forever...and yes i will remember it cause it was real.


SO what am i going to do?? I am going to be real!! I am not going to purge I am going to live...i am going to have more experiances like this morning. i am going to take my kids to the park tonight and today at 5 i will meet my DH and have my boost with his support, yes folks iam going to be real today...if it lasts only a day well that was better then yesterday...I will take each day as it comes and know that teh next day can be better tehn the last all becaue I am BEING REAL!!!

Love, Z

Disagree and Disobey

now we all now I hear loud Ed voices screaming at me like every min. of the day, the first step to overcomeing this and working toward recovering would be to disagree with the ED voice( can you tell i have been reading life without ED...again.

ED: YOU are FAT, you need to starve

ME: I know you are right

ED: Okay so no food

ME: BUT...


ED: NO FOOD

ME: NO ED, I am not fat, I dont need to starve

ED: No you are fat

ME: Iknow...


this scenerio plays out over and over in my head every day, now teh key to winning this is teh disobeying part cause although I might not always disagree with teh Ed voice, it is always my choice to disobey, so folks that was what I did this morning, Ed was screaming inmy ear and I disobeyed, I still believe I am fat, but I dont have to follow Eds rules and for this moment I didnt.

Thats all i can ask for one moment free of Ed at a time

Today I Disobeyed...DO I still feel fat...you bet...but do I feel i gained just a little power back this morning....yes...yes I do!!

Love, Z

I swear....

or i would freaking like to cause everyone in my house is driving me insane!!! My daughter is 6 and thinks she is 15...shes become the biggest bitch with the biggest attitude...I just want to scream at her "what is your fing problem...why to hate me so much??" Oh and dont get me strarted on the 4 yr old. ALL HE DOES IS CRY. For everything...he cant have a piece of gum...cry. He cant find his ball...cry. Alyssa is mean to him....cry....oh and he hates me too. How do I know you ask? well cause he told me so!!! what 4 yr old tells there mother the women who gave him life he hates her...Ill tell you who, my kid!!!

where did I go wrong, I feel like I am a pretty good mom, I mean yeah I have an ED but shit, I take them to the park ALL the time, go on field trips, bake cupcakes, mend boo boos, stay all night with hacking kids, clean thier vomit, feed them, love them, hug them kiss them...tell how special they are, how pretty they are how great they are at gymnastics and baseball and singing and soccer. How well they draw, and paint and write. I do thier homework with them, listen to kindergarden drama and show empathy...geez what else can I do...some one tell me PLEASE!!!!

I am so fustrated right now I could practiclly cry I mean really what else could possiably happen. Isaiah fell at Alyssa softball game this morning and busted his lip, I mean he fell right in front of me like I tried to grab him but was a milisecond to late...and why did he fall you ask, well cause Zack tripped him...why would he trip him?? why?? why would he be so mean? did I not love him enough as a baby...maybe casue I cryed when I found out I was having a boy when I was pregnant. I nursed him for 9 months maybe that wasnt enough...maybe he needed more maybe he needed less...who knows.

Then you have Alyssa who wants to eat like ALL the time, and I give in but geez its so fustrating...she eats cause shes bored or lonely or sad or something other tehn hungry...actually ALL my kids lifes revolve around food..anywhere we go the main question is "can we get a snack...whine...." Park....they want a snack...softball, baseball, gymnastics, bowling, bounce and play, you name it they want something and yes I give in allot, cause i dont want them to deny themselves food like I do...where is the happy medium? EVERY WHERE WE GO THEY WANT SOMETHING!!!! and they cry cause I say NO!!! cry cry cry.

I am so fustrated right now...Zack is now crying as I type cause he cant put his pants on after his bath. He literally just said to me "Im to lazy" WTF!!! How did I raise kids like this and will it ever get better? will it ever be peaceful and calm?

I suppose I will wake up one day to an empty house. There will be no babies crying, No kids fighting. No boo boos to clean and kiss to make all better, No stories to read or homework to do. No one to sing songs with or chase in the yard, No ERs to sit in, No vomit to clean, No tears to wipe or games to watch or kids to potty train...I suppose one day I will wake up and realize these were the best years of my life and I missed them cause I spent to much time bitching...but I swear.... This mother thing is hard

okay i feel a little better...maybe Ill go hug a kid or three after all I dont want to miss the good things.

Z

It was the worst of times...It was the worst of times

the anxiety and depression is killing me and i will explain to why i am sucking so bad in a minute but first i need to scream or cry or throw a massive tantrum cause all this pain is more then i can bare. Things are so stressful in my house right now, i was up all night with the Zack man as he had a bad asthma attack cause he was outside while Mike was cutting the grass, yeah so i come back from run all thinking that thngs have got to get better then they are and I instead come back to a hacking child...So anyway we were up all night and when we finally got to the doc around 11 this morning his o2 was at 93% not great for a kid, the doc seemed pretty worried and gave him another nebulizer tx...it didnt work so he gave him some steroids...and now my little man has to be on steroids for the next 7-10 days, i hate him being on meds like that, it freaks me out. So we get home and I am exhausted..and we lay on the couch and I cant get up..i am emotionally beat down with all the shit that s been happening..oh did I mention Alyssa was late for school cause we were up all night..yeah so thats one missed day and one late in one week not good especially cause she is struggeling.

Anyway SO we are claiming BANKRUPTCY!!! yep thats right we are 30 Gs in debt to creditors and we cant pay the bills and the lawyer said we had no other option...so that s a bit stressful. My mother is pissed about it she says it will ruin us forever but we think its better then losing our house so thats what we are doing...I know I know it sucks but I dont want to hear another word about how we suck with money...I KNOW WE SUCK WITH MONEY..I get It, I know stop telling me already(((MOM))).
and of course its all my fault cause I spent all this money durning a manic phase like a year ago and we cant seem to dig out...so yeah its all my fault like everything else.

Mike told me he ummmm well cheated me and then he took it back...he said he was trying to get back at me but needless to say its been causeing me some great stress..I think he didnt do it but well then again..i dont know I guess he didnt do it...It just sucks casue now I dont trust him and am afraid of him actually doing it..WTF...WTF...

and then of course there is the Ed which is getting worse and worse I lost another 3 pounds...and I get wieghed again on monday and Ed is telling me I need to be lower again...I wanted An back so bad and I get I got my wish...great one more battle to fight...so yeah it was the worst of times and is the worst of times...

Oh and what is with the thispo AD on my blog google sucks

Love, Z

Run..Run..Run away little girl

running has always been an escape for me. I have been running since I was a tween, ands its always made me feel well HAPPY!!..as happy as diet coke does, and well thats pretty happy..its always made me feel high and endorphinized ( is that a word). I try to find that kinda happiness in other ways, but alas it has always alluded me... I just came back from a nice run and felt good for all of about 5 min. then t he "high" left and i was left alone with my thoughts again..and so what, so what is wrong with my thoughts...well they suck thats whats wrong with them. they hurt me and scare me and make me want to cry...I am feeling more vulnerable right now casue i just ate a frozen dinner and now i want to cry even more.

anyway S has asked what the heck am i running away from so that s what I am here to figure out...I think it boils down to running from my thoughts I mean what else could it be....without the running I feel deflated, let down and sad. And of course cause i have OCD what i run is never enough...I remember when I used to run 12-13miles a day and how that was still never enough ...It only numbed me as long as I was running...as long as i felt the pain in my legs...I couldnt feel the pain in my heart...So what is the pain in my heart that i am running from...abandonment maybe. Maybe this shit all stems from dad shit, from being left alone when i was 8 to feel the emptiness of a single parent household. left with a mother who was so unstable herself she couldnt even take care of her own kids...she had to rely on her mother to do it...and I I became angry another feeling that i hate.

I do my best not to feel anger...another feeling i run from, I almost never get mad unless its at my kids and s its usually cause they are being so bold I dont know what to do ...its more of an exhaustion I feel with them...of not know ing what to do...so i run from it, i run from pain, anger, confrontation...anything that might make me even slightly uncomfortable..i run from it...and with only being allowed to run 3-4 miles a day i have taken up other forms of running from my pain...my feelings...i drink.

I Drink away my pain...so I run even more...i need to learn to confront, to sit with and to deal with my pain, and feelings and anything thing else that might make me feel uncomfortable.

I think once I can learn to deal with my feeling I could be cured of my eating disorder cause yes its still about wieght..body distortion and food, its about so much more, its just an escape. An escape into my own reality...where the pain of the world cant hurt me, where i wont let it hurt me...I wrap myself up into this little cocoon and run away from everything...only all this running is killing me..literaly and figurtivly.

Its killing my family

Its killing my soul

Its killing my heart

I need to learn to feel or at least allow myself to feel..I need to to stop running at some point...I need to learn to sit with it...I just need to...right???

Love, Z

Zacks been Attacked

So heres what makes my life just super uber wonderful you know, i get back with my apt. with K last night around 6:30 and as my mom shoves my dinner in my face...she proceded to tell me Z man was in a little accident but hes fine it stopped bleeding...i start to choke on my potatoe and say what..."it stopped bleeding??"..."yes " she says "i think hes fine...hes playing right now"...okay okay...."so sit and eat your dinner I got to go"


So I sit and choke down my second meal of the day and wonder why Zacks head looks like its still bleeding...but alas crap happens...Alyssa stole the rest of the cake from Zack and Zack is freaking out and the baby wants to be held and here i am still pondering how many calories I have just eaten...So I quickly jump up from my ED haze and grab alyssa...grab the crumbs of the cake that are by this time hitting the floor...pry Zack man off of Alyssa, he then procedes to throw himself onto the floor Im sure just furthering his injury.... I grab the baby take him to the car, strap him in....drag Alyssa to the car strap her in...run back in the house grab Zack throw him over my shoulders and carry his bum to the car...Alyssa jumps out of the car, cause I carried her brother and this 60 pound child wants me to carry her too...so i grab her throw her over my shoulder and into the car...buckle up I yell!!

i know I know you are all probally thinking what about his head....well with all teh chaos i didnt even think of the head til we got home....and you know what, I looked at him and was like "shit", hes bleeding. SO I carefully pull of the baidaid with him screaming like a maniac...."NO NO NO!!!!" and what do my wondering eyes behold a 2cm gapeing wound in the center of my beautiful boys forehead. How my mother couldnt see this as a problem is beyond me but I ll go there another day. So I grab teh boy throw soem PJs on him grab his flip flops and head to the ER....where we are asked all sorts of questions I guess they I have to be sure I wasnt the one who threw him on the deck...good thing he right out told them his sister did it. or maybe I would be writting this from jail instead of my messy house...hmmmmmm....jail now that s a thought how bad could that be.....anyway... we wait...and we wait and his head is bleeding and he is hungry so I get him some chips and his head is still bleeding and finally they call us in. and we wait some more...and we start to sing the "this old man he palyed one ...he played nick knack on my thumb"....you know the rest. I was hopeing if we were really loud they would just fix us quickly and go home but alas they must have liked my singing voice cause we sat in the "express" room for 35 min.

Finally the good doc came in and examined my poor boys head and said i think we can glue it!!!...yeah NO STITCHES!!! so that is just what they did they glues my boys head back to gether just like humpty dunpty...and now hes all put back together again!!

So yeah that was our fun night in the ER...life is fun and for sure never boring in our house. And as a little side note I must say its aweful strange being in the ER when its not for me....thankgod for small favors

Love, Z

I am flipping out

I am getting wieghed by K today and i am FLIPPING!!!!!!


Help me calm down


FUCK


this sucks i want to have lost but at the same time i dont wnat to have cause i dont want my running privalges to be taken away

crap...


okay breath


Im not eating today til after my wiegh in...i ate yesterday and lost more wieght...WTF....maybe I should drink allot of water before I go...WOWSER ,... thats sounds very disordered...why am I losing if I am eating...I mean i wieghed on a full stomach it should not have been lower then the day before...and I had clothes on...oh and I talked to K about the gown thing and she doesnt have any...shes liek we are not wieghing ounces here...i just need to keep track...shes gonna think i am a heffer...Im not running til 4 today so i will have wet hair when i go...maybe that will do the trick....shit i am freaking out...

ITS JUST A NUMBER....I AM NOT A NUMBER


love, Z

Get over it

that is what I need to do...being wieghed is NOT that big of a deal right?? I need to stop freaking over it and let it go..I just need to get the fuck over it you know...i mean most eded people get wieghed all the time why do i think i am special...well we all know that i am special but you know what i mean..I need to get over allot of things...

Like My DAD...

yep well he has been harasseing my sister about where have i been teh last six weeks and am i writting him off like my other sister did and it was driving her nuts cause I kept telling her i would call but i never did so....I stopped by his work Saturday with the boys ( safe place right) No touchy feely stuff and i left the little girl home so he couldnt touchy feely all on her either...so yeah safe!! He was completely shocked..grining from ear to ear and then he proceded to tell me that god has laid on his heart to send us some money cause he had a feeling we were struggeling...well struggleing is not the word. so yeah...moneys good ...glad I stopped by.

Like my BITCHY MIL

who says that her H my FIL will not be watching my kids while I am at Therapy durning the summer. M called her a douche bag and i am inclined to agree...I mean hello I need therapy i am nuttier then a fruit cake...they tell me so all the time..which is another thing I need to get over...blahhhh bitchy inlaws.

anyway I am doing okay not great but okay...had some nice runs this weekend and today but I am taking tomrrow off so i can see S and process some of this shit thats running through my brain ...like the more i lose the MORE I WANT to lose..not a good combo when you have an ED...Oh and I am refusing to say i have anorexia cause I am too fat right now so I am a bulimic who gave up purging...I need to get over the whole label thing too cause that can really mess with ones brain you know??

i know I sound nutty but hellah I am ..lol.:)



Love, Z

Seems to be going around...

well you all know how I saw doc A this week and I was down and she went on about the brain matter eating itself and stuff...and yes i nodded cause well what else could i do...but she also said and heres teh part where i start to panic...that K needs to keep closer tabs on my wieght..ie..wieghing me weekly...now for good reason we dont do that..

1) DOc A does it once a month

2) I fucking FLIP

3) I panic

4) I cry and kick and scream and all sorts of nasty ass thoughts go through my head...like


FAT FUCKER

and

NASTY PIG

and the idea of one more person knowing how fat i am freaks me out even though she my N...and i love and trust her completely, but shit why does this have to be, I am freaking out, that I must be lower tehn I was on Tuesday when Doc. A wieghed me and will Doc A talk to K and will they know it went down even more and will she think wow thats a real high number to be so concerned and and and like WOW she is WAY to F@T to have a fucking eating disorder let alone a severe one WTF...


Its just a scale

but I am in a panic

I don t want to be wieghed with clothes on ( not that I want to be wieghed naked...lol...) but in a gown the same gown every time like at DOc A s
so now i will have to wear the same outfit to Ks every week for fear that one outfit may wiegh more then another OMG the fear and panic this is provoking in me is freaking ridiculous..she left me a message today that S called her...and they talked about me being down and what is a safe acceptable wieght for me to be at and how to make the scale LESS scary..well fuck guys i dont know if that s possiable...

SHIT I AM FREAKING OUT AND ITS NOT TIL WENESDAY AT %%%% 5:30...oh and its not in the morning so i will wiegh more if I eat durning the day so not only will this be a complete disaster cause I have to weighed at all but now Ill be triggered to starve.ugh.GREAT

Z