Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Anxiety...killing me slowly

my head is telling me it is the peanut butter sandwhich and cookie I ate last night, "thats why feel so you so sick, so incrediably anxious, you fucked up, you binged, your pathetic, if you didnt eat that sandwhich you wouldnt feel like such shit right now, starve bitch, make the feelings go away"

Logically I know I ate that sandwhich 10 hours ago, its not still him me and I needed it I hardly ate all day, I was weak and dizzy, and my body needed the protein...but I cant shake it, I know Im anxious because of yesterdays drama with the in laws, that they are cruel and rude to me and it triggers fashbacks of how they brushed off all the things M did to me and made me think it was all my fault, they are doush bags and I shouldnt let them give me a reason to destroy myself, but...

right now it doesnt matter because the anxiety is here and I know that not eating will numb them out, and thats what I want, I need it, I cant deal with this crippeling anxiety all day, I see S tonight and Im so overwhelmed Im not sure I will be able to articulate what they said and did and my response and how actually standing up for myself made me feel...

This anxiety, its destroying me, I cant sit with it or I wont be able to function today, and starving, well that will kill me, slowly, the anxiety is going to kill me...

I so scared, depressed and bloody fucking anxious...I just feel like throwing my hands in the air, and stop fighting it all together, other them my babies, I have no point in trying, they are my reason, I need to fight harder, I just know if I have it in me today.

Tara

4 comments:

flaweddesign said...

oh hun, i so understand what you're saying about the anxiety. 'just sit with it'....????!!!!! how? i'm sorry i have no words of wisdom. just sympathy. i'm sorry you feel this way.

lisalisa said...

can you call S and get in earlier today? Or maybe just chat with her on the phone? Don't be by yourself on a day like today, you need support!

XOLisa

Zena said...

thankyou both for understanding, Im a hot mess, my brain wont shut the hell up, I just feel like complete shit, I called my mom crying, I see S at 4:45, she s a very good T and unless she by some act of god had a cancellation she wouldnt be a able to see me any earlier, I will manage til then, I have to, Little man is home today, which is good and bad, hes adorable, I am allowing to blow bubbles in the house and hes hopping and tossing a baloon around, hes very hyper today which is fun to watch and a good distraction, I wish I could run right now but I have to wait til after S, unless the insurance guy comes before noon which is unlikely, I need to not think, that makes me not think at least for a bit, Im trying to think about how I will explain Ms parents actions and words without breaking down and loseing valuable time just sobbing and panicking, with S trying to bring me back, damit, I m taking some meds, I dont care if they make me "lazy" and unproductive, besides I already cleaned and thats what they are there for right..PRNs gotta love them,

Love you, Tara

zubeldia said...

aw, tara, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this anxiety. It's just the worst. But your kids are a pretty good reason, and until you can find it in yourself to live for yourself, your kids need you and you need them.

Much love.