2010, so long, goodby...DO NOT RETURN!!!

well this has been I can say by far the worst year of my life!!!

but its over in 2 hours and 13 minutes, thankyou God above.

How are you ringing in the new year?? How do you plan on making this year Different???


So first off, Im ringing in the new dressed up, drinking with my sista, sitting in my duplex, watching "Fred" The movie! I know fun times. Right?? wish you were here I know;)

How do I want this year to be different??? hmmmm

well first off I would like to not want to off myself this year.

I would love if my kids could finally start to heal from thier dads suicide

I would really like to do some serious ED kicking ASS

Take a yoga class, and learn to be with just me...

Read all of Chelsea Handlers Books cause even though I have never seen her show her books are freaking hysterical currently reading chelsea chelsea Bang Bang, after just having read..."are you thre voodka its me chelsea" great reads, hysterical and great distractions after meals.

lessen up on my OCD cleaning insanity

Listen to my body when it doesent want to run

attend chuch regularly again

love on my kids, even though they drive me nutso.

invest better with my moula

be a better blogger

wait impatiently for my dear Bella to visit me...

did I mention KICK EDS ASS!!!

tell me, what do you want to do differently, keep in mind these are not resolutions, cause well they die down a week into january, these are long term over the year!!!

Happy and healthy NEW YEAR TO ALL!!!!!

Love, Tara

To tired to see S

unfortunately I have to go cause she has my meds as I am not to be trusted with large amounts of medication, cant imagine why or what I would do with them, blahhhh.

I would really like to hop into a nice warm bed and sleep, I had a nice run and then the kids and I swam and the gym I go to, they have like a mini indoor water park that the kids love so we did that for like 90 minutes, then I got them lunch, I m freezing now cause its soooooooo COLD here. and I need eo go see S, then as I never go out I told a friend of mine we could go to the mall as we both have giftcards, yeah my fav thing shopping, actually I really like shopping, just not for me, So I wont get home til like 7:30, I will be cold and exhausted and have to force myself to eat dinner cause not eating anything for a day is no bueno, at least some dinner carries me through the next day...

K 1 more hour and I see S, it will be good though cause I havent seen her since last tuesday cause of christmas, maybe she can help me screw my head on a little tighter, sooooo sooooo sick of fighting my head, just wish it would shut the hell up, on the plus side I havent had a panic attack in 3 days, so thats really good...probably just jinxed myself, way to go Tara.

okay love to all, stay warm and hug a kids or an animal, we all need some love this time of year...lol mine are both kids and animals, best of both worlds I suppose...kids = animals, I have no pets, not since our hamster died.

okay peace out before I ramble some more.

Tara

post holiday fallout

believe it or not I ate like a pretty much normal person christmas and the day after. with minimal purging, today however, well Im back into my head...I saw K today, at 2,we had a pretty big snow storm, so I made it to the apt, after some shoveling, I had coffee this morning and when we were half way through our session she asked what I had eaten so far...I searched my brain and realized, I hadnt, so I had to fess, I left my food and exercise journal at home because Ima dumbass, normally I would just give her the journal and she would see nothing was written and then we would talk about and make a plan, somehow saying nothing seems worse then seeing it written down...

anyway I only did a 35 min run today, 4 miles, not bad considering I really just started actually running again in october, normally I run for 65 min but like I said we made a plan...

I stuck to it.

but its 7:24 and I havent even eaten what I burned while running, and Im full..I think, well definately not hungry, I already fudged my food journal I already wrote that I had my 10 pm snack of banana and boost, and I know I wont be up at 10 cause I feel crappy, and I dont even have any boost so I couldnt even if I wanted to, which I dont..

whatever this post is so dumb, Im just in ED hell and so sick of the same thoughts running through my head.

besides I should have run the 65 min, I feel like a failure for not, at least in the mind of my disorder,Im a failure.

I really can not wait til its bedtime

so sad

I miss him so much.

Im so broken.

My only hope is that he is spending christmas with christ.

I am wrapping presents alone.

I bought and decorated a tree alone.

I shopped alone.

I feel so alone.

Tears are falling.

Why it hit so hard this morning?? Im not sure.

But his presence is sorely missed.

I love you mike, and now I just dont know anymore.

New York Sucks...brrrrrr

Im so freaking cold I am sitting in my living with my winter coat on, 2 blankets, the heat on 70 and sipping on a hot non fat latte from STARBUCKS...Im soooooo cold, I hate this weather, I want summer back, as soon as christmas is over I want summer and the shitty thing is like we have no snow, so its going to be a freezing brown like christmas.

I thought I was a tough New Yorker, but Im not Im a wimp, who is cold and just wants to stay under her blankies, and in 5 min I must go out and bare the winter wind to get my lovies...

S says its cause of my ED that Im so cold, but you know what that may partly to blame but shit its 17 with a windchill of 10 wouldnt anyone be cold...Im thinking yes...I want to go live with David in florida, my bones cant take this much more.

whiner, Tara

"your my BITCH and Im going to eat you"

When I was at Renfrew almost 4 yrs ago, I broke down durning a meal, a very young, sweet girl whispered in my ear "that it would be okay, and that when she heard The ED voice, she would look down at her food and say YOUR MY BITCH AND IM GOING TO EAT YOU"

So you know what, thats what Im going to do, I had a plum today and cried, but Im making dinner now and Im going to eat that BITCH, scared yup, anxious hella yeah, am I stronger then ED, tonight Im going to be...

Love, Tara

Its back

That feeling of hopelessness and dread, of praying God will take us in our sleep, I just, I want to know if in heaven, our marriage would be whole, would we live as a family in harmony, would we be happy, would we love with no pain or anguish, I know he isnt in pain and more, I just want that for us, no more pain.

No I wont ofcourse not take mine or anyone elses lives, because that is murder, but the thought is still there, I wish it wasnt, but it is, and it makes it so hard to push on, to keep putting one foot in front of the other, to not give up.

oh and while I was at the gym yesterday, I came home to hear that my down stairs bathroom had flooded, with over an inch of water, dripped down through the vent onto my stock pile of emergency food, ( yes I collect food, incase the world were to explode and my, kids need to eat), Im pretty devastated. and it flooded why...cause Ima dumb ass asnd while I was babysitting 3 other kids so yeah 3 plus 3 makes six kids and 1 me, I dropped the baby's nipple down the the toilet, dont ask me how, I just did, so yeah its stuck down there, and now I only have one bathroom, peachy
add it to the list of retarded things I have down in my life...could have been worse, RIGHT??? yeah it could have been. Dont sweat the small stuff, Iwont, I will just be grateful, it there wasnt any shit in toilet at the time, that would have been nasty:)

Love, Tara

Mean people go to HELL!!!

Thats it, I just think that they should know that being cruel for no other reason they just to be cruel or to fulfill thier own selfish desires to make themselves feel better, should and most likely will go to hell.


There is a bumper sticker that clearly states "MEAN PEOPLE SUCK"

I would like to add that not only do they suck, they should SUCK IT!!!

The next time someone who is a fucken cruel, pathetic loser crosses me or someone I care about, I will hunt down and rip off thier private parts!!

Yeah, so dont fuck with me or those who have meaning to me, cause I refuse to let abuse be in this world anymore ( blogger, or otherwise)

Stupid Fuckers

Tara, my real name not some no named holier then everyone else shit head.

S was impressed today.

she said Im fighting back, I saw her tuesday and hadnt eaten in a couple of days, but that night I ate the dinner my mom made me, and since wednesday, I have had 6 boosts and 2 more dinners, she said they arent really enough to be a full dinner but way better then I was doing, YOUR FIGHTING she said and Im so proud of you, I told her what Sia Jane commented on my blog and that it was helpful, and a good kick in the ass, I told her how after each of my appointments, I have 4 a week between her,(2) K (1) and pdoc (1) I seem to be able to do it for a "meal" then Im stuck again, I need the push at least right now...so loveing but pushing comments are really helpful in me fighting when I feel like I have no fight left in me...

Anyway I just drank my boost, and my knee hurts I had a to long run this morning and may actually listen to my body and just walkk tomorrow, which would be another step in the right direction.

So Im babysitting my nieghbors three kids today so when my kids get out of school I will have six kids til 8 pm...it will be exhausting but a good distraction, that seems to be the key right now, gentle kicks in the rear and distraction, what ever it takes right now...K, gotta go the 9 month old just spit up I think.

Love, Tara

I woke up hungry...

and my ED is haveing a field day, hunger, its what I long for that feeling of emptiness, for weeks now I have had no hunger so its been so easy to not eat, but when I m hungry ( starving actually) I feel this High when I am able to stay "strong" and not eat, It would be easier to eat if I wasnt feeling "powerful" from not eating, its so odd how mt eating disorder works, I feel Like I dont have a typical ED, which I am sure is insane, Im sure others ( many) feel the same way. Running always takes away my hunger so maybe it will be easier to eat after I run, how backward is that, running='s no hunger, shouldnt it be the other way around, one would think. Im so not normal, or so it seems. Does anyone else feel this way, am I alone in this or does someone else relate, right now I feel very alone. I keep thinking if I hadnt woken up sometime between 3:30 and 4 I would be hungry at 10:30am., besides if it was mon...wen...or fri I would have run by now, but I cant run til 11:30 (babysitter needed) so I will have to wait to 1 to eat, then I wont be hungry and it will be hard, but maybe easier then now, omg, I make NO sense, someone slap me!

Tell it like it is , S.

" Your anxiety and depression have reached all time highs because you dont eat, you cant use the excuse I cant eat bcause Im to anxious, because you are anxious ( to some extent) because you dont eat, this is insane, you come in, you cry, you try to avoid the truths, but the truth is until you step out of your box you will stay sick, you will continue to feel horriable, you will continue to want to take your own life, you will continue to stay stuck deep into the dark hole. You dont look well, you hurt, physically and emotional, your meds arent working, and you WILL end up in the hospital, if you dont withstand the short term INCREASED anxiety that eating will bring you, you have us to lean on, to talk you through it, to call, text, email, this isnt an "okay, I will try tomorrow thing" this is a now thing, YOU HAVE THE POWER, you need not stay a victim any longer, you are safe now, in pain yes, but safe, no more BS, do what you know you have to, and email me that you have done when your finished.

SHIZ

I told her a renfrew story about when I broke down at the dinner table a girl whispered in my ear, "just tell your burito its your bitch and your going to eat it"

S's last words, go to your mothers, look at your plate and say..."your my BITCH and Im going to eat you"

She thought it was hilarious, and was still laughing as I left, shaken from her sterness but feeling loved by her care...I went home and ATE MY BITCH!!!

with the help of my friend clonipin, and a good book as a distraction, That Bitch got ate!

Love, Tara

Its as simple and as difficult as that!

Your body needs food. Starving ( literally) for several days at a time will inevitabley leave your body to do what ever it can to find calories...like last night, I hadnt eaten in a few day, and sometime between midnight and 2 am I at ( cause I take inventory before I go to bed so I know) 7 vanilla finger cookies, 1 bottle of chocolate soymilk and a package of little bite brownies...this morning my anxiety is so high, I think I could take off in flight, but there is a solution to not sleep eating, EAT DURNING THE DAY!! Its as simple and as difficult as that!, If I could get over the guilt, shame,anxiety, despiar from eating unplanned food maybe I could do better today....really I would like nothing better then to medicate and sleep til I am sure I am empty again, but reality is I cant, so really what I must do is in a few hours start my mp ( 1 item every 2 hours til 8 pm), how I will manage I dont know, but really its just as simple and difficult as that.

Like the way that saying goes so I used it 3 times in one blog, shoot me...no really ...just kidding,

Tara

I may be loseing my mind

I spent all morning cleaning, doing laundry, playing with little man, reading with him, doing crafts, I thought, hoped, prayed that that today was going to be a better day, my sister showed up at 11:30 to watch little man so I could run errands, and go to the gym, and take Zack to the pdoc, I walked into the office and of just took over me, that exhaustion where you just need blankets and somewhere to lay down, I took him in, told about our week went back to the waiting room and curled up into myself for the rest of the session ( Its also where my pdoc is so they know me and know my issues, so no word was said as I sat freezing with my head in my lap) my pdoc came out and rubbed her hand through my hair, "do you want to come in for a few minutes??" "no" I shook my head "Im fine"....Im so not, existing in this choas of my head is making me really feel as if I am losing my mind, Im fuzzy and jumbled, a million thoughts and none at all, I ate a yogurt and am now freaking out about it, making me want to curl into that ball all the more, I should have waited, but I was dizzy, so really that meant I needed to eat, I have to make the kids dinner soon, dinner I wont eat, maybe the baked potatoe, maybe, I wish I wish I didnt have such mixed emotions all the time....panic or manic, depressed, exhausted, afraid, paralyzed, jumping like a bunny...I NEED TO BE STABLE, damit, please GOD help me be stable....sigh..I need to go help them with thier homework and make dinner, and baths, and my energy has been zapped, plus I have these like what feeling like these needles shooting up my legs, not all time but its bothersome..

ps, to all my beautiful readers who have been leaving me such caring comments, I feel so blessed, I really truely do, it lifts my sprits, and truely I love you all.

Love, Tara

Scared

that its become so easy to just not eat, to ignore hunger ball day til it becomes nil, til the emptiness becomes safe and comforting and til eating the next day seems pointless, futile a waste of time, half a meal and a couple drinks has become the norm, I fudge my food journal, unless I have done well, I dont want my tx team to think Im not trying, because I do, the extra calories come from night eating, which happens usually after numerous days of not eating...and the cycle continues...where will I be in a month or 2, I know this the route to the hospital,medical or phyc, either way I dont want , my kids cant handle it, I can not and will not do that to them, why is it so hard to ignore my feelings and do what is right, am I in complete denial of how ill I am...S says so.I dont want people around and when I am I make sure Im not sober, I ignore phone calls and textsI dont even answer my door if someone knocks...my world is my kids, the gym, the grocery store and target and the many appointments I/we attend each week...Im afraid of what I am becomeing, but I cant reach out to family and friends, they will think I have failed...hell, I think I have, I need something, bigger then me, God can you hear me?? Im so afraid.

stupid mood disorder

I spent the last 2 months hypomanic, my meds were adjusted and I had about 2 weeks where my major symptom was high anxiety ( might becaused or made worse my my lack of intake) but know I am so depressed, my mood has taken a nose dive, I saw pdoc and she upped my lamictal AGAIN, it will take afew days but I hope soon I wont have that increasing desire to curl under blankets and sleep away the day...today my day went as follows, get kids ready and to school, gym, shower ( thankgod cause I didnt yesterday) pdoc appointment, pick up some toys, take prn, huddle under blankets and sleep for 2 hrs, curse the alarm when it went off, smoke, blog, now Im off to go get my kids and do our stuff and me clean inbetween because I slept when I should have been doing laundry...

DEPRESSION go away, your draining the life force from me

Deep sigh...afternoon is calling, but I just want my blankets.

Boo, Tara

Anxiety...killing me slowly

my head is telling me it is the peanut butter sandwhich and cookie I ate last night, "thats why feel so you so sick, so incrediably anxious, you fucked up, you binged, your pathetic, if you didnt eat that sandwhich you wouldnt feel like such shit right now, starve bitch, make the feelings go away"

Logically I know I ate that sandwhich 10 hours ago, its not still him me and I needed it I hardly ate all day, I was weak and dizzy, and my body needed the protein...but I cant shake it, I know Im anxious because of yesterdays drama with the in laws, that they are cruel and rude to me and it triggers fashbacks of how they brushed off all the things M did to me and made me think it was all my fault, they are doush bags and I shouldnt let them give me a reason to destroy myself, but...

right now it doesnt matter because the anxiety is here and I know that not eating will numb them out, and thats what I want, I need it, I cant deal with this crippeling anxiety all day, I see S tonight and Im so overwhelmed Im not sure I will be able to articulate what they said and did and my response and how actually standing up for myself made me feel...

This anxiety, its destroying me, I cant sit with it or I wont be able to function today, and starving, well that will kill me, slowly, the anxiety is going to kill me...

I so scared, depressed and bloody fucking anxious...I just feel like throwing my hands in the air, and stop fighting it all together, other them my babies, I have no point in trying, they are my reason, I need to fight harder, I just know if I have it in me today.

Tara

My voice

I just used my voice with my in laws, its been causeing me such distress they way they treat me, I just texted them Im worried about thier response, but I finally stood up to them, Im not a doormat, and they better start respecting me, or they might not get to see the kids at all, they are my babies, and my babies dont even want to go anyway...

Score one for me, I used my voice today, first time in a long while.

Love, Tara

Irony

March 18th

The day he killed himself I wrote a post about the sun and fear and shit and how I needed to get over it.

The sick part, on the day I decieded I needed to change my disposition, he ended his forever, and in calling order, mine has been forever changed.

The sun does go away .... it may never come out again, and fuck, the darkness is killing me too.

The Run

She runs through the darkness, tears burning her face, running from the voice that screams.

She runs, to afraid to stop, to hear, the lies that she has believed, the voice that tells her who she is, what she is worth.

It follows her, gaining with her every step.

Faster she must go, harder she must push to escape, the fear, the pain, the beliefs.

The fear it consumes her, what if it catches her, So she runs, her face burning, her lungs on fire, her feet blistered and hurting, but still she runs, trying to escape the pain, the thoughts, the voice.

But there is nothing but the darkness, the voice, and her beliefs.

Is she those things, those dirty, horriable things.

She believes them, she believes they are her truth, so she runs, through the pain, through the fear, through the tears.

She must not stop, it will catch her, it will hurt her.

It's what it wants.

It wants to kill her...and it is...it makes her hurt herself, because she believes it, she believes the lies, they have become her truth.

She is told they are lies, but in the darkness they are real, they are her truth, she is so afraid, so she can not stop.

She must run.

Harder and faster, til she can escape.

And still its just darkness, darkness and the voice.

Whose voice is it?? Its his, and it haunts her, forever...maybe not, but now.

So she hurts herself, she cries and she runs, she starves and reaches within herself to pull out the poison, but it doesnt go away, the voice grows louder, and she is afraid.

She tries to escape, but its been burned into her soul what she is worth, and it is nothing.

So she will run, til the pain is to much to bare, til the pain becomes numbness, til she finds a moment of peace.

She will hurt til its over, til the voice stops the chase...

So she still runs.

She trips, she hurts, she cries...fruitless tears of fear...

Will it ever end??

Will it stop???

She doesnt know, so still she runs...

one more day!!!

Till I get back my computer, thats right the fixed my baby...sigh of great relief!!!

I think the last 2 plus months without my computer has really taught me allot, one I can go with emailing/talking to S everyday...or two I relasped when I lost my writing outlet...hmmmm

I think writing is really important for me, I purged my thoughts regularly to S, in between sessions, I needed that, will I go back to it, not sure, time will tell.

I have missed a dear friend, who so much more then just a friend, we chatted about everything and nothing all at once, we share so much its really insane, we live parallel lives, SHe has a wonderful blog, and has gone through so much and is coming out on top, just like I knew she would, Her blog is truthandbone@blogspot.comIm not sure if its private, might be but if it is you should ask for an invite cause shes a true inspiration...

anyway, I will get to the point not talking to her, as I think, might have contributed to my relapse, she straightened my ass out, told me like it was, and did it all with great love..

I believe I will need to put boundries on my use of the computer, as my kids need my full attention, Zack is progressing and I will update his blog tomorrow, but hes on meds and steps are going forward, which is good.

Im not sure what Im really talking about, except, I need to pull my ass out of this relapse, and I think this blog, and talking to Bella and S are part of it...

anyway need to run, kids need attention and I need to get to the gym, thankgod my sisters here!

Oh and we are putting up our tree tomorrow, made cookies to decorate for tonight, and I pretty much prepared a full on thanksgiving dinner for our tree decorating party...and we are going to actually chop down the tree, so it should be cool.

okay love to you all...

Oh and if you leave anonymous comments I have to approve them cause Im getting mega spam and really its quite annoying

Love you all

Tara