There is healing in hope

this is third time I have typed out this post and if it doest save then well I am done with it...

I saw S this morning and we talked about hope and how I need to find my inner hope and then I will find healing...that my hope is not all gone or I would not continue with tx...she procedded to say my depression is due to malnutrion and and once I get better nourished I will find my meds working a lot better. the question now being how to find my inner hope... so how does one find thier inner hope, I have begun to uunderstand that I may not be chonic that maybe there is a possiablity that I will over come this illness that it doesnt have to be my death sentence.

we talked and she is so good and kind and understanding and she understands how hopefull and hopeless I feel at the same time, like there is there is this big black hole swallowing me up and I have no idea to pop the hole.

I want to eat but feel liek I cant so to counter act the thoughts I ate my eggs anyway just moments ago...it 2 thirty in the afternoon and I was hungry so I ate and now I am scared...I am sipping on chicken broth cause my heat just went out and I am freezing...but anyway back to hope and healing.

It was one of teh main things we studied at Remuda... how to find hope in the midst of our struggles I am going to go back and read my Remuda workbook s and hopefully find some inspiration.

I went to see K last night and I asked her to wave her magic wand and make me all better and to my suprize she had a wand and she gave it to me to hold onto next week..its something tangiable that I can look at and say look that wand says I need to eat and I will do it...I need to go out and get some boost cause I need to supplement as I am not eating enough but that okay cause I CAN do this!!!

I love my TX team.

okay so B asked me what was really wrong behind the wieght cal food things and here it is for those who are interested...I think my H and I are headed for the big D word. He says I dont love him anymore and I am pretty sure from how he act toward me he doesnt love at all...we keep drifting further and further apart and its scary I wish we could be closer but its so hard with an Ed and an Alcoholic trying to make a marriage work. S says we have all the pieces but its like a puzzle and we need to put it all together...I want this marriage to work...I guess we need to work at it...TOGETHER!!!

then there is the fam stuff everybody is fighting and its scary I hate fighting really I do, and my mom found this old journal and she said it explains allot and I dont want to know what that means..its scary to find out the truth...I dont want to knwo the truth.

My 2 Sises are driving me nutzo and I need to figure out how to be the mediator between them my mom and my father...stressful shit..so thst s why I am focussing so much on food and wieght and such...Ill be back later...kids need me

Z

depression

I am so sad. and I dont know how much more I can take.I feel like everything is wrong like I cant do anything right and all i want to do is sleep...and. my son spilled syrup on my key board so its all sticky and not working right. I wish I could go back in time before I had kids...I would have killed myself then. Now I cant cause they need me to much. It sucks really it does...to be forced to be on this planet...any way I wouldnt want to be buried this fat...I m so gross...and A. broke my coffee mug, the new one I got for christmas...

The kids are off from school which is no good for me cause it ruins my structure...like I still havent showered yet...and its after one ...no food. no thing...I neee to take my meds, at least I can do that right.

I want to lose 20 pounds by the 15 th not possiable I know...but its still my goal, today is day 1 of my fast so far I had tea...i let you know if the day gets any better...dont see how it could though


sigh

Z

The Voice that screams

and the one that doesnt
that s what I am dealing with right now the voice that says I am a fat pig and dont deserve to live and teh small quiet mousy voice that wispers health..and when I say whisper I mean whispers..I can barely hear the voice its so quiet..and its the voice I want to listen to..not the one that says being thin is everything..tah taI deserve to die if I dont listen to it..Its a very scary world out there and I am not so sure I want to be a part of it...

I have thought what it might be like to have a candle lit for me cause it killed me...and you know what it feels soft...like a big fluffy pillow..I want that pillow..i want that soft glow of the candle light..and it kinda scares me...I think about death so often lately.

I dreamed I was in the hospital last night ..with DR.A and not being able to breath cause my heart would nt pump right and I wasnt scared, I wasnt scared at all...i kept waking up hopeing to get back to the dream...and I did..I kept dreaming it over and over again..until the weee hours of the morning...and it felt good...It felt safe..calm and quiet.

I need this all to stop...I need it all to go away...I need the pain to stop and I need to stop living this fake life..this joke of an existance...Iam so sick of living..Im just so sick of it all..

Z

tea and coffee

My In laws bought me this mug and they imprinted pictures of the fam on it and one of the pics was from last xmas when I was at a pretty low wieght and I am so triggered i am sipping tea out of my mug right now thinking what a fat pig I am and how could I have let myself get like this.

I blame REMUDA for bringing me to my "goal" wieght..whose goal certainly not mine...I feel so gross and now I have a way to make myself feel horriable about my self every morning at least until I get thin.

I know they thought it was a sweet gift and I am grateful they put so much time and effort into making it for me but its left me feeling I dont know sad...and ofcourse all i have eaten today is my 2 eggs and slice of bread..its now 5:30 pm. M is a at the store and I am sure I am going to have a frozen dinner when he gets home or he will flip...I just want to go to bed...

I am so sad

but tea makes you not hungry

thats a good thing

I need S, and she hasnt emailed me back yet...its been all day, I feel neglected, I know its silly but I cant help it...

and A is asking for food again...she is sick and still wants to eat...junk..she wont take anything healthy...god help me (us) through this, the last thing I want to is give my kid an ED...this is no way to live...really its no way to live but I guess its a way to die...

I wish I could cry

but I cant I am just numb and sad and then numb again...

how long can this go on?

14 yrs is long enough...okay folks I will eat dinner tonight I just talked myself into it...besides I will still be under 600 cal for the day, coffee included, love that coffee...

think I will check if S emailed me back yet...

Love, Z

The act of self destruction

what does that exactly mean ...well I do things to actively self destruct I suppose..like sticking a tooth brush so far down my throught I could rupture my esophugus ( I dont know how to spell that) I told K about everything that had transpired since I had seen her last the 4 days of active restriction but without purge and the 2 days of B/P and feeling as if I might die...she shuddered and shrank away in her chair and I felt a little scared..."I wish you be as scared for you as I am for you"

But I cant I just dont think its that bad I mean I am eating some on the good days and I am well you know on the bad days and I just think If I could get the purging under control then I would be all set...I just wrote sex by accident lol... anyway I see S in a little while then I wont see her for a week which could be very bad...its scary when I dont see her 2 times a week. Like the week of the ice storm I only saw her once and my behavior was out of control...self destruction as her and K would say...

why do I do this to myself all in the pursuit of thinness..well I have been very this before...very low in wieght but I was still unhappy and determined to go lower of course I thought that would make me happy but really I was just a complete miserable mess but you know what I am allot fatter now and still a mess so what gives huh??

what would make me happy??

Well I think if my daughter would stop binge eating that might make me a little happier, cause geez she is eating non stop and its really starting to gross me out...M says I need to put a stop to it get her on a schedule but I dont know how I mean I cant even do it for myself how do I do it for a five yr old

well all I am starting to feel a little christmas like..I have a million things to wrap...Havent started anything yet...and I have some baking to do ...

I am freaking over all the holiday parties I have to attend in the next 2 days ..but I just wont eat..oh well

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!!


Love, Z

SNOW!!!!

It has been snowing for three days straight can you believe that there is so much snow its scary I have been shoveling and sliegh riding and finally getting a littl ebit of movement in...my mucles are sore and it feel dam good...I havent exercised since before thanksgiving and although its techiniclly not exercise, it still felt good...

I have been following Ks plan since wenesday and although it feels like shit...Im doing it...

Have a holly jolly christmas... yeah...its almost chritmas...I cant wait to see teh joy on thier little faces it will be so exciting...god I am so cold.

I was emailing with S on friday night and we were talking about forgiving the inner child in me...for not managing to keep my parents together and for not being able to keep my dad from well you kknow treating me liek he should have been treating my mom...its scary to go there but I have too and it sucks but I think it s part of my journey.

I am still obsessed with losing wieght but I am trying to be healthy too, what a hard way to go....god I am freezing.

okay well not much to say but its still snowing and I am freezing and yes I am trying.

Love, Z

guys dont worry about my crazy emails...imjust trying to figure out my phone which is so cool by the way

i feel like crap

i feel like shit....imso tired

Nutrition

So I saw K today, and she upped my carbs yet again even though I am not doing what she said to begin with but we shall see...I did have teh kashie bar she pleaded with to eat and two eggs so that mean I need two more carbs and three more protiens til tomorrow when it will be 4 carbs and 5 protiens and so on and so ...I think I can do this folks I ate my Eggs and went to the grocery store ( had to leave to prevent a purge) well three kids in a grocery store is anything but fun ..although we did get the driving cart so Isaiah got to drive around the store and he liked that although I worry about the germs and well other eeewwwyyy stuff...

So I bought my yogurts and more Kashie bars and a frozen dinner which I am going to have tonight so that way I will get in the 2 carbs and the protien...I am scared though folks very scared.

K and I talked about how her plan will atill have me losing wieght and its not the safest but its better then not eating and or purging so I should feel safe with it I mean sfter all she know s her stuff, she s even recovered from AN herself so she is good to me and kInd and very understanding...she told me to pretend I was death and that I cant hear the AN voice screaming in my head...I laughed and said can I pretend I cant hear my kids too...yes she said if it will make you eat then fine turn in your deaf ears after you finish the Kashie bar.

God I want so much to be well and through with disorder I bloody have had it with all the appointments and hospitals and copayments, so why do I still hold on why cant I just pull my self up by my boot straps and do it...

TRIGGER




I lost more wieght

my clothes are falling off and I am not even under wieght its just I have lost it so fast...part of me really enjoys losing and the other part knows its just demented...I need to listen to the part that says I am demented

so thats it folks I have an Ed and I am demented want to play with me now??...

thats another thing I am suppossed to be doing taking care of my emotional self how do I do that....I read on Bries blog to try affirmations

so here I go:

1)_I dont completely suck as a mom, although I think I do Ibut I have been told otherwise cause I have great kids

2)_I am a kind sister /daughter/grandaughter/aunt

3)_I am a women of faith

4_I am not the ugliest girl on the planet...people say I have nice eyes and smile..at they did til my teeth started to break

5_ I am pretty efficient in running a household even with an ED

okay that s enough enough I dont want my head to swell...lol...


Geeze they are all about I am not that sucky

well I am here to tell you I feel pretty sucky right now but at least I am trying

Love, Z

You cant be crazy forever

there has got to be a reason why I am so stuck in the cycle of ED...what is my payoff why am I doing this to myself?? what do I need to prove?

I want to be the best the best at everything I do...but I dont want to be dead or maybe I do, I dont want to lose my children and I am sick of hurting my daughter, Ed is saying fast today but I am going to ignore the Ed voice at follow Ks plan...I went out to dinner last night and order off thre light menu ( pissed of my inlaws) but I ate half and some salad so I think I did okay...

you lost wight ...my MIL said..NO I said...yes ...well I am still fat so its okay I say...well Im not watching your kids if you go into the hospital again...and still I think its the only option to get me healthy I need a lobotomy, I cant fight the Ed voices they are so loud, I hate it...I have a headache.

I am nervous about my session with M tomorrow night I am afraid of what he will say...I am afraid he wants a divorce, he is sick of me and truth be told I am sick of me I am sick of being sick, when will it ever be enough??? NEVER!!!!

okay so I know that yet I keep trying to please the Ed...

okay I need to take my meds

which I have been taking on time every day


yeah for that!!!

Love, Z

starting over

okay so I dont want to end up in the hospital I have decieded that!!!can i keep myself out of it well thats another question...I just ate 2 eggs and a piece of toast and I feel like a bloated pig but I am not and I need to remind myself of that, I have lost quite a bit of (needed) wieght in teh last 2 weeks..but now its going to far I am barely eating and everyone is mad at me, so I am starting over...

my new plan for today is

not purge my lunch !!!!


and have 2 more eggs with a piece of toast for dinner.

K my N gave me a new MP to follow today where I need to add one carb a day for the next week til i get to 8 carbs a day...so thats what I amm doing with the toast...I am upping it one from yesterday...of course I am only doing it cause I know I am still not eating enough and I will lose wieght...

what do I do folks how do i find the motivation to kick this Ed in the ASS!@!!!

any suggestions??

and how do I get over this body image issue...its killing me


Love, Z

In Deep

okay I admitt it AN got me and I am scared

I cant eat even if I wanted too, I m to afraid and to fat, what triggered this recent laspe, well lets see S thinks it was when they gave me permission to exercise, it triggered me into severe restricting very quickly , they took away the privilge as quick as they could but admittly I am lost in the AN world. I am not underwieght so I dont see it as a problem except for the fact that I have a bad heart and I dont want to die but if I do I want to do it thin...arggggg...Iam so fucked up, S was pleased that al least I realized I was being irrational...I did as she said last night but 650 cal for a day is not much and my brain is screaming at me that it was a binge, I know in reality that it wasnt but I feel so gross...

Ed is telling me only 400 today and I am really looking at complete restriction, already I am not sleeoping good and I havent stopped moving all day I have been clean obessivily..oh boy I am in deep!

In other news there is something wrong with my middle child he is so angry and I dont know why, he had a play date yesterday and that went well except they had pizza and I just started at the food not one bite passed my lips..( good for me Ed says)..but anyway I dont know what is wrong with the Z man...last night he flipped out I mean rolling around screaming kicking thrashing, screaming I hate you, all cause he thought him and his dad might not put up the x-mas light cause M had to work late...they ened up putting up some of the lights and really I just think z man needs alot of one on one attention from the dad man.

I boy still isnt talking and he is now 19 months blahhhh its kinda fustrating but at least he staying a baby a little longer...cutesee

and A well shes A a good girl with a big mouth and that sall I have to say on that..BIG MOUTH that she she told my mom I was going back into the hospital cause M keeps saying it...its so fustrating..blahhh

thats it folks

love ya, Z

Starving

thats right folks I am so freaking hungry and I cant bring myself to eat anything, the whole thing really suck s because if I dont get my act together I will be in the hospital by mid january, how do I know that well I have a bad heart and I see the Ed specialist Jan 15th and if my EKG comes back screwy back to the hospital I go...I cant find the will within myself to stop this from happening..what is wrong with me..??

Oh yeah I have an Ed..duh..

Saw my Phyc...today she is so nice and kind and understanding ( she used to work with Ed patients in a hospital) ( the one I always go to)..blahhh

So your not eating Ehhh?/

Nope

do we need to put you in the hospital??

Nope

are you sure

yep


well then what can we do to ensure that you eat??

full frontal lobotomy..lol..

we dont do that anymore and that would put you in the hospital anyway...

great

So what was the answer we came up with I know you are all dying to know...well I go back in two weeks and well see...to focus on 4 small meals a day...yeah righty I can barely eat my fucking 2 eggs a day...
plus Iam a fat pig..no hospital for me no surree

but shit i am starving myself Iam for sure a dumb ass

love, Z

Anxiety is a bitch

ugh i am so anxious I could scream, i am on my way to see K so she can reinforce the no exercise policy!!! BLAHHHHHHH.....I havent exercised since friday, of course I have barely eaten as well, oh well the anxiety is super way up there and I am feeling like crawling out of my big ol skin.

I know I am so anxious cause Im not eating yet the anxiety around teh food is to much hell its a vicious cycle and it sucks the big nub...really big time, I am trying to be positive but what is K going to do for me..Im not eating so what can she say...well please eat...yeah right...this all sucks and I am so fustrated with myself...I need to get back on Recovery Row and I am at a loss as to how to overcome the anxiety...

okay I will eat dinner

but thats it only cause M will be home...eek I cant handle this ED...

M got drunk all weekend and went off on how I suck as a parent and I just want to be the kiddos friend ( not true by the way) I dont care if they like me they just dont listen to me and things like sleeping in each others room doesnt seem like a big deal to me...

Now I admitt I still drink but I dont badger teh hell out of him when I do...I just want to be left alone , why cant he just accept me for me and support me with this Ed Recovery instead of telling me how selfish Iam for having it ( the ED) Friday he wanted a divorce...today he loves me, all that adds to my crazy anxiety..I dont know which end is up half the time..would you??

We have an apt. to see S on the 16th maybe that will help

ugh...I can hardly breath

I need my clonipin..probally should get it refilled

oh and I dont have a license cause I let it expire, got to take care of that today so all of it, the food, the man and teh license well I justcant take much more..someone help me

Zena